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Posted on:
Mon, 07/08/2017 - 10:50

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Thanks for the kind comments and as you all say,  the cost of the repairs is nothing compared to what I would have blown on gambling in the space of the last month.

My wife is going away camping for 3 nights with the kids tomorrow, I don't get as many holidays so I have to work and miss out on all the fun of sleeping on the ground in the wind and rain.  They did this last year and I remember thinking last year this would give me 3 nights of peace and quiet to win thousands of pounds,  by the time they got back I was at all of the limits on my credit cards and almost at rock bottom.  Obviously it took  another couple of months gambling with other peoples money before I really did get to the bottom.

One year on and I'm looking forward to 3 nights of peace and quiet to do a few things round the house, eat what I want, put my feet up, watch TV and basically do not very much at all.  Probably better cut the grass I guess.  Amazing to think it was only 12 months ago, feels a lot longer.

Great to hear from you Danny, and glad to hear we're both going in the same direction.  All is well with me.  My wife is obviously still hurting a bit but we're working hard at things and as long as I never gamble again hopefully all will work out.

I'm wondering if we support the same team?  I was in Inverness on Saturday to watch my team win and looking forward to the derby on Wednesday night.... fingers crossed!!  

Posted on:
Sun, 13/08/2017 - 14:43

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Day 276,

Having a rubbish day today.  My son appears to have developed a nervous tic and he was getting teased about it this morning at his football match.  He got quite upset and I really didn't know how to deal with it.  I'm not really sure how it has developed either and I worry it's because of my behaviour and not really paying him much attention for almost 7 or 8 years cos I preferred gambling to my own kids.

Anyway he got upset, a few big cuddles and reassurance from his mum and he's in good spirits again.  But I now feel like **** cos I didn't know how to react.  It's really weird but I have a real feeling like life is going on around me and I'm not really part of it.  I'm still here in the house but it's like nobody notices me.  The low self esteem really kicking in again.  Hate this feeling.  

Stopping gambling was quite easy for me,  it's the dealing with myself I'm finding a lot more difficult.  I think I expect too much of myself.

Anyway, Monday tomorrow and I can go back to the boredom of sitting at a desk trying to motivate myself.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 15/08/2017 - 09:31

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

278 days since I last gambled.

I was looking back through old posts on a debt management forum and this time last year I was asking all sorts of bizarre questions on that forum of how to get out of debt.  Stuff like remortgaging the house and if I could actually do this or that without my wife knowing.  I was at the point of no return I guess, totally up to my neck in £60k of debt spread over 7 credit cards, totally maxed out on them all.  

But I was still trying to find £10 or £20 so I could start the road to winning it all back.  I was following all these social media tipsters who are all experts that claim never to lose a bet.  I find it hard to believe I was that person, or am that person. 

It's maybe not the best idea to keep looking back, however every now and again doesn't do any harm.  Makes you realise how crazy your behaviour was and how you can't go back to that place.  The debt is obviously still there but it's now manageable, and most importantly, it's not a secret.

Hope everyone is having a good morning.

PA. x

Posted on:
Tue, 22/08/2017 - 09:21

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Day 285......

Bored.  Really struggling to get motivated to do anything.  Keep feeling like everyone else is better than I am.

Friends buying new cars, moving into new homes, going on holidays every other week, things that I won't be able to do for me and my family all because of the financial position I now find myself in because of gambling.  I hate it.  I feel so sorry for my poor wife and kids.  

No matter how often I say to myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is just so far into the future.  Hate my job but so scared to change.  It's a relatively safe job I'm in so need the security to pay off my debts forever more.  My wife would like to apply for a new job but she's not sure what to do, I'm fairly sure I know why even if she won't say.  Everything in the house seems to break down, cars won't run forever but how will we replace,  trying to save money but there's always something.

I ******* hate myself for letting things get to the point they did!! 

Posted on:
Tue, 22/08/2017 - 17:35

cardhue

Joined:
2013-01-18

It seems like you're really caught up in a (brutal) world of judgements. Everywhere you look you are reflecting back on yourself.

I get the sense that it's the comparisons that are causing you pain, rather than the actuality of your situation. You have a good life. But these judgements are starting to have real bite and become like facts.

Worse, they are stopping you from doing what is important in your life.

Nothing wrong with that, in the sense that we as humans are highly prone to this type of behaviour.

But it's not helpful. X might have a new car. But this does not mean X is happy or better than you. It just means that X has a new car. People have always got stuff going on they keep hidden.

If you're going to judge against them, you have to be fair and judge against the billions in 3rd world countries who live in poverty and severe physical pain. But I'm not advising you do this as you'll waste a whole lot of life judging. Judging is ultimately futile.

You can make a conscious decision to reduce the judging - or to disentangle from the pain of it. You can notice you are doing it, real time, and say to yourself 'oh I'm judging again', stop doing this and then refocus on whatever it is you're doing. You'll to keep doing this. But so be it. It will become second nature.

It works the other way btw. When things go well no need to bask in glory. Just do what matters.

Do something different - pursue an interest, make something for the kids - devise a treasure hunt, try hard to do a really good impersonation of someone and try ot out on your fam, cook an adventurous dish. When you're mind says you can't for X reason - notice that but do it anyway.

This is a mental discipline which will reduce suffering. It's basically mindfulness.

Best wishes

Louis

Posted on:
Thu, 07/09/2017 - 14:49

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

 

300 days gamble free!!  Longest period of non gambling in 30 years.

Not going to celebrate, will wait until I reach the magical 365 number,  the number of a company which almost cost me everything.

Hope you are all well x x x

 

Posted on:
Thu, 07/09/2017 - 15:33

Smashed

Joined:
2017-08-13

Really great diary PA, it definately helps others. Dont worry about material things others have they mean nothing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbNoh1bepWQ

Posted on:
Thu, 07/09/2017 - 20:36

degenerate

Joined:
2013-05-10

Congratulations, reaching 300 days is amazing. I am sure you will make the epic achievement of a full year.

I hope to get there myself. I have just read most of your diary entries and feel inspired to get there. Dont be too hard on yourself you are doing very well.

Posted on:
Thu, 14/09/2017 - 09:23

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Morning all,

308 days for me and the it's my wife's birthday today.

She's 41 today.  This time last year it was her 40th, one of the biggest days of her life and I was in the darkest of places.  I remember scrimping around for any cash balances that I had left on my credit cards and buying her not very much.  I'm sure she was dissappointed as she had spent a fortune on me a couple of years before.  She never complained though.  I was devastated because I couldn't afford very much.  Most folk would think a bit strange for a bloke on a decent wage.  But as all you compulsive gamblers know the £60k in hidden debt makes things a bit more difficult.

She had always wanted to walk over the Forth Road Bridge and decided she would like to mark her 40th birthday by doing this.  We were going to Florida a fortnight later with the kids so this was the main part of the celebrations.  I wanted to try and forget everything and concentrate on having a happy day.  I think we did.  I hid my issues well.  Unfotunately my lasting memory of that day will be was walking over that bridge and my wife pointing out all of the signs that had a phone number for The Samaritans.  She said it was awful that people got to the point of having to walk up on to the bridge before seeking help.  Little did she know some of the thoughts that had gone through my head in the weeks and months before.

The scary thing for me though is that today should really be day 365.  I went another 57 days gambling the few pennies I had left.  Looking back you would think that day would have been my rock bottom.  Just shows what gambling can do to you.

This morning I was up at 5.30am and cooked the family breakfast,  we don't go big on presents, however today I could afford what I bought.  And I will remember the smile on everyone's faces when I left for work and look forward to seeing those smiles again tonight as we stuff our faces with birthday cake :-)  I've been very lucky.

Hope you all have a nice day x

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 14/09/2017 - 16:31

Skyblueblue

Joined:
2016-10-06

Smiling like a Chesire Cat while reading this PA. Its been a long year for us both, but a good one which got better with each day that passed gamble free. You joined at the same time as me and I remember your early turmoil about coming clean, and the fear of losing your family.

Its all about recognising what is important and recognising what you want. 

Happy Birthday to your good lady...savour the moment and keep aiming higher !

Sbb

Posted on:
Thu, 26/10/2017 - 10:24

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

350 days gamble free... can't believe I haven't had a bet in almost a year.

My longest period without a bet in over 30 years.  This time last year my whole world was crumbling around me.

Hope everyone is well.  PA x

 

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 09:09

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

 

365 days = 1 year.  No gambling!!

I did it :-)

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 12:32

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

well dne Proudarab! That's a fantastic milestone! Keep posting, keep us updated!

Deirdre

Forum Admin

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 13:19

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Congratulations on the milestone, wish you many more.

CW 

Posted on:
Fri, 10/11/2017 - 23:58

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulations Proudarab on One Year Gamble Free. Great respect for your achievement.

Posted on:
Sat, 11/11/2017 - 22:50

Little miss lost

Joined:
2016-05-24

Congratulations!!!! what a difference a year makes,fantastic achievement.
Onward and upwards x

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 07:35

paulds

Joined:
2012-01-13

Well done on the year PA,

The harsh reality is that few CGs make it that long so well done for all your hard work . As you say your longest gamble free period for decades. I have been catching up with your diary and relate to what you say about boredom and still having the debt impact on your ability to finance that big purchase. 

I can also see how far you have come, you seem like a different person with a different set of goals and priorities. Keep it up, one day a time is the only way, I also have regrets but there isn't anyway to change what happened in the past. But you can shape your future and that is what you are doing every single day.

Paulds 

Posted on:
Wed, 14/03/2018 - 11:19

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all well.  Now up to 489 days without a bet.  All is going well in that department even though I do think about it now and again.  I miss the rush still, but I don't miss the problems it causes.

One year of paying off my massive debt repayment plan, only another 10 to go.  That's what hurts the most still,  knowing how life should be for me and my family and trying to accept life the way it is.  But no matter how far away that date is, at least there is a date.  I'll be 57 by the time I've finished paying it.  That's a scary thought.

I've had a bad week past which is probably why I find myself back here as struggling to deal with it.  My eldest son who is now 10 is having a bit of trouble with a bigger kid at school and even though the school are dealing with it I find myself lying awake at night worrying about it.  And to top it off he was told yesterday he'd been dropped from the school football team, he's 10!!!  And they find it acceptable to drop kids from a school football team.  He's absolutely gutted and I can't do anything practical to help him.  I woke up at 4am this morning with a real jolt and horrible gut wrenching feeling thinking about how he is feeling.  It's the exact way I felt when I was up to my neck in debt and couldn't tell anyone.  

I used to just bury my head in the sand and go back into my own little gambling world when things like this happened before so trying to deal with these things without the gambling I find difficult.  

I thought it would be easier.

Posted on:
Wed, 14/03/2018 - 12:36

shorty1966

Joined:
2016-04-22

Hi Proudarab....well done on the 489 days, I hope you have a non-cardboard sandwich lunch also planned for your big 500 day anniversary in a mere 11 days!!  Well done us eh!  I feel like the time has flown, it feels like yesterday we both came here in a mess....and look at us now!  That's sad about your son :( but growing up is tough and as long as he knows you are there for him that is all you can really do.xx

Posted on:
Thu, 15/03/2018 - 07:28

cardhue

Joined:
2013-01-18

Hi PA

That's a joke re the football team. Do they think they're Real ffs!

Must be hard seeing your son having a difficult time. Maybe encourage him to talk about how he's feeling and avoid the trap you fell into of carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Might also help to reduce your own anxiety too

Louis

Posted on:
Sat, 24/03/2018 - 08:51

Dannyp

Joined:
2016-11-16

Good morning Arab, how are you?

I haven't been on for a while so thought I'd come and catch up. I hope all is well and you are continuing that GF streak...I notice from your profile that you are on day 499, you deserve that major milestone tomorrow and definietly deserve to celebrate somehow, regardless of how small!!! 500 not out, good to see we are still going strong as I'm on 494 now.

How's everything with home life? I read about your son, that's not good at all...he's only young, school football isn't a major deal so dropping kids is terrible rather than encouraging them. These days a lot of these kids coaches think they are managing Real Madrid, my son got fed up about 6 months ago and he's only 7 (like to play in goal the little psycho lol). Sorry to hear about the bullying too, I had that when I was younger and it was awful, I swore it would never happen to my son. I know he's only young but he's been doing Muay Thai now for around 6 months, I took him down to the club that I trained at when he was 7 and never looked back. His confidence levels are through the roof, he's extremely disciplined with it but can't half throw a good punch when I get the pads out at home. It just gives me a bit of confidence that he can look after himself if he needs to and gives him that defination of right and wrong with fighting. Maybe worth enrolling him into a local martial arts club, a lot of kids don't like messing with other kids when they know they do some form of martial arts. Whatever your decision is on that route I wish you well and hope he's ok.

Anyway anything else going on? I notice you seem to be dwelling on what other have etc, please don't be worrying yourself with that. There are always people looking at you wishing they had what you have and each month that debt balance is reducing and who knows what will happen in the future just stay positive.

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2018 - 07:30

Dannyp

Joined:
2016-11-16

Hey Arab, how are you. I hope you are still around. You've been quiet for a while now.

Posted on:
Wed, 20/06/2018 - 14:24

Proudarab

Joined:
2016-10-18

 

Hi everyone,

Thanks for kind words above, haven't been on for a while however still gamble free.

Not finding life easy at all.  Car bills, house bills, kids do every club under the sun, and I have £450 a month going out to debt repayment every month for the next 10 years.  

I know it's easy to say never mind, at least I'm not gambling anymore, but the constant reminder, especially for my wife is proving a very difficult obstacle to overcome.  That's 568 days since my last bet and if I'm honest I don't think our relationship will ever be near what it was before I ****** everything up.  If I'm honest it feels like we are staying together for the kids.  I see the constant stress it has caused her, she doesn't sleep great and even though we both have good jobs we find ourselves living a life that should be so much better.

I also realise that everyone says not to live in the past and there's nothing we can do to change what has happened.  But I imagine that's not so easy for my wife as she hasn't done anything wrong.  We don't speak about it,  we don't really speak about much tbh apart from the kids.  Sex life... what's that?  What should we do??  Gamblers anonymous wasn't a great experience for me, she won't entertain the idea of Gamanon.  I was enjoying the one to one counselling until my counsellor cancelled my appointment and never ever got back in touch.  

I love my wife to bits, but as she says how could I have loved her and the kids when I was gambling our future away.  She's right, I don't understand.

Hope you're all well.

PA x

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