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Posted on:
Wed, 19/09/2018 - 23:33



judy wrote:

Hi.  Yup, accepting life as it is. Speaking of tired.. just now getting back to normalcy after a camping trip with two school aged nieces. Dear god.. not wanting to sound corny but their love is like a million jackpots. Good hearing from you friend. xx

Yeah I hear you about the million jackpots. For sure. My values are changing now after all this turmoil i have experienced... Spending time with my son rather than spending money on him etc. I realised today after attending a group meeting that all the toys I've bought him over the 2 years will just end up in the garage one day never to see light of day again... But the love and affection I can show him from here on in will stay with him forever and he will pass that on to his kids etc. Thanks for the nice thoughts Judy.

On a high after meeting lovely people at today's meeting #;o) hopefully will dream better dreams tonight and won't be tossing and turning (your night's sleep is all too familiar right now to me ODAAT!) its a past I cannot change at the end of the day so will try to put it to bed so I can get some shut eye for the first time in ages!

Optimistic about the future... A lot of thanks should go to the guys I met at group tonight. A good place to be if it makes me feel this good... Maybe over time slowly I'll learn to forgive myself and move forward... Onwards and upwards! :o)

Posted on:
Thu, 11/10/2018 - 06:55



Thanks for the congrats odaat ..
Great cake wasn't it...

Posted on:
Tue, 16/10/2018 - 01:33



So I’m awake & I’m buzzing...


My sponsor is very confident that I can, if not sponsor other people, @ least lead them through the steps but I’m not so sure!  So he’s just taken me through his perception of them...An hour long phone call that like a good meeting felt like 5 minutes!


I worked 1 & 2 with a temporary sponsor & 3 solo & although I feel I have a good handle on them, because I haven’t actually been taught them, unusually I have no confidence in being able to do them the justice they deserve!  Although I know I am not responsible for anyone else’s recovery, I want others to have the amazing opportunities I have been gifted by people who really understand the program.


My life is very simple, when I try to complicate it, I get hurt equally, my brain likes things in black & white & a program of suggestion sometimes feels anything but that!  I don’t know where it originated & I’ve heard it outside the rooms so I’m not breaching any trusts...Putting on a parachute when a plane goes down is a suggestion.  My abstaining wasn’t exactly going well until I started getting some recovery under my belt & by that, I mean actually working the steps...Meetings alone, for me, is just coffee & bs.  Accepting I am powerless over everything but my words & my actions was a revelation.  I accepted a Higher Power but wasted time trying to make sense of it...First it was a person, then it was the rooms, then it was some instinctive weird entity that I couldn’t put my finger on.  Today, it just is, it doesn’t matter what “it” is, or even whether it’s tangible, what matters is that I trust it enough to accept that resistance is futile...What happens, largely, is what is going to happen, & me, me, me is mostly irrelevant so instead of expecting everyone to sing to my theme tune, I need to fit myself to the goings on around me!


Last time I was on my knees (over 10 years ago), I asked God to take my sister...She passed away a short time later & the most incredible peace washed over me.  I’m reluctant to get down again as is the Step 3 way because I don’t want to wear it out.  Like saying “I love you” out of habit instead of just when it matters, I like to save things for best!  But, doing stuff my way doesn’t have the best track record & instead of silently using the neatly shortened version (“I can’t, You can, so please do...Amen”), tonight, I’m taking page 63 of the Big Book to bed with me & I’m going to get down on my knees & just get on with it.  


Enough bs, enough making excuse, I want what I have now & if that means taking on some suggestions that make me nervous or uncomfortable, so be it!  Thy will not mine be done - ODAAT 


Posted on:
Tue, 16/10/2018 - 05:06



I would consider someone VERY lucky to have you as a sponsor. :)


Posted on:
Tue, 16/10/2018 - 11:31



I second that.


Posted on:
Wed, 17/10/2018 - 23:49

A 9


Big " Shaaaaat out " and big love coming right back atcha Kel's :)). xx 

Posted on:
Thu, 18/10/2018 - 00:23



Thanks ladies, as ever, extremely grateful for your unwavering support (hands in prayer)!

Couple of things to clarify & I quote [email protected]:

“Without being pedantic the 12 Steps aren't a suggestion #justsaying (smiley face)”  


I concur!  I have a very good friend who is struggling to decide whether abstaining is enough & wanting stats to prove that recovery without working the 12 Steps is possible...I would love to be able to provide those but just as no-one can provide the true stats for the GA because addicts lie, I can’t.  No point pointing him here because the thread about people being clean for over 2 years without support got zero responses & is buried somewhere under the mire of threads about website issues & how wonderful GamStop & Allan Carr’s book is!  I can’t knock either of them if they work for people which well they might but self exclusion & “Just Say No” (which is MY interpretation of the book) weren’t enough for me & to the best of my experience have never in isolation provided that serenity (or the Ready Brek glow as it was explained to me today - thanks Nick) that I am searching for.  It doesn’t matter that personally, I don’t believe there is such a thing, I believe the 12 Steps is a must, I’m having enough problems changing myself so it’s not my job to try & convince him that he needs to work them because he needs to decide that for himself.  


I did meet up with my friend who I am going to try & lead through the Steps & although we both had a good time, I still felt like a fraud, way out of my depth & kept thinking “so & so would be much better suited to this than I am”.  Jury’s out on how useful I am going to be in this regard but it has affirmed, I’m not ready to sponsor anyone yet!  I’ve done my Step work higgledy piggledy, started on here with Step 12 when I think about it...Completely misguided & probably doing more harm than good telling everyone I was doing it MYYYYYYY way!  Only saving grace is, addicts on the whole don’t listen so anything I wrote back then is yesterday’s chip paper, even if I do need to find a way to drag it all back out for my inventory!  


So, the Step 3 prayer didn’t go so well!  I did get down on my knees & I read it but I couldn’t make sense of it because it wasn’t in a language that I understand & then I had a really ****** nights sleep :-(  Coincidence? Maybe but it’s put me off!  Maybe I’m happy with this “pain” I’m in @ the moment where I’m worried about booking a class for 1130 in the morning & not because an hour of Combat is going to hurt (bad) but because I really don’t want to have to get up “early”!?!  I’m on the train @ 0530 on Friday...In what world is 1030 early but that’s my day off mindset, must sleep!  Even when I’ve spent the best part of my 5 previous days off, in my pit!  Is this depression?  I’m not obsessing about money for a change but I’m procrastinating & I don’t even have the energy to be annoyed with myself for being lazy.  Maybe it is, or maybe I’m just a lazy cow with a terrible sleeping addiction!


Thanks for being here Mrs D, I think it’s time to give that prayer another shot...Nothing’s changed because I haven’t changed it!  


P.s: I’m going to stop trying to be my Higher Power & actually hand it over!


Posted on:
Thu, 18/10/2018 - 07:28



Morning Kelly.
I have really enjoyed your last couple of posts because for me they do exactly what they should say on the tin, gift food for thought.
I haven't written about twelve stepping since the last time I did I got lambasted for, missing steps, not following the order of them and not interpretating as the elders did.
I believe in the twelve steps, I equally believe that every single recovering addict interprets them in slightly different ways.
I don't believe this is detrimental, I have seen the outcome of this the same.
Change is the outcome and as a result the steps are revisited although in my mind sometimes unconsciously.
Abstinence alone for me didn't provide change in fact I believe it led me to procrastinate more and in doing so give addiction the upper hand.
Because addiction will happily wait patiently in the wings to pick the moment when it can regain the mind.
I believe twelve stepping leaves me with a greater perception of life, I am able to live with it on better terms.
The ability to speak and listen in equal measure, the ability to not judge everything with a selfish attitude, and to have a desire to live.
I love the words 'it is what it is'
Because they are true.
They have replaced 'I don't care'
The selfish words I used to utter to anything that didn't provide me.
As for sleeping, not physically punishing yourself, don't be too hard on yourself, learn to like you.
Sorry to ramble on your thread.
But hey better than a gamble!!
Hopefully see you soon.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.