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My Diary of Shame

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#1 Posted on:
Tue, 30/12/2014 - 18:07

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi,

I promised that I would transfer my handwritten diary onto here for all to see despite the rest of the title being 'Please don't read'...I will stick to the exact wording where possible but names will be changed to protect the innocent.

August 1st 2014:  Wanted to gamble but managed to pop in and say Hello to someone then kept away - V proud.

August 2nd 2014:  Bad day today - Didn't control when I thought I would and failed to increase the money in my account that I didn't think would get me through the month.  £300 gone, £0 in my account.  NO way to 'recoup' it - A dark, dark day.

August 3rd 2014:  Stayed in bed, too scared to get up and go out just in case.  I need to use OH's money to recoup my losses & break his trust again - Even I know I cannot do that.  Tackled the ironing pile head on - Day 1!  V late to bed, OH trying to be supportive but not quite getting it right.  Found the Daily Strength website!

August 4th 2014:  Pulled short notice leave & stayed in bed.  Spent the best part of the day terrified.  All the emotions I have ever had, this feels different.  Other people are the same as me - clever, successful & addicted.  Focused on the site, I'm going to work tomorrow.

August 5th 2014:  Did not want to go to work - Trawled the internet on the train.  I still feel out of sorts but it is starting to hit home.  I never wanted to quit, not really, I just wanted to control it.  I'm starting to think I can't - I need to let it go & want to.  Busy busy at work - Day 3

August 6th 2014:  Still feel out of sorts & have been checking in on the site - no new threads so chasing the previous pages for stories of strength & survival.  Wouldn't have been a gambling day anyway but no real urges - Yet!  Day 4

August 7th 2014:  Had a big, fat, pointless row about food but another day where I wouldn't have anyway.  Thought about a particular bookies when driving but not coz I wanted to go there.  Day 5

August 11th - 18th 2014:  Holiday (abroad so no gambling)

August 19th 2014:  Back from hols spent all day with Nan & OH.  No major urges but have thought about it.  Got totally hooked on Bubble Witch & wondering if it's some sort of a substitute.  If like this again, I will delete the App.  Read DS til the Internet crashed.

August 20th 2014:  Think I may stay in bed all day - Just in case!  I must get to Day 18!  (Cont'd on next post)

Posted on:
Tue, 30/12/2014 - 18:18

SuzyLemon

Joined:
2014-06-28

Hi ODAAT ,

it's great to see your diary. I looked for it from time to time. You are great for posting on others diaries. You are so understanding and motivational at the same time.

i would love to hear more of your story. You come across as a wonderful person who has seen many sides of life. Congrats on 150 days !!   Wow you are turning your life around!!

Take care,

Suzy

Posted on:
Tue, 30/12/2014 - 18:46

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

August 20th 2014:  Day 18.  Today, I chose 'no'.  1st real test so far.  Urges didn't really kick in hard til today but after so many non gambling days, they were always going to come.  I thought about it last night when I was furiously playing the iPad like my mother wondering if it was a substitute & thought it safer to come to bed very very late & stay in bed all day.  Cried off going to see my Nan for this reason & stayed in doing furious research trying to save a few pence on white goods that she needed.  @ least middle of the range after everything I have had off of her for gambling, surely now was a part chance for redemption?  I started bargaining with myself on route to the shopping centre, a foe in this direction when not driving to work.  Obsessive, compulsive, pathological - that's me.  I wrote in my journal before leaving the house - I knew where I was heading - I just hoped I had the strength to beat it.  I only wanted to control it, not cure it - If I just went to the 10p machines with my £20 in my purse, I would be fine & the urge would be gone.  I had another £5 in my card wallet if I got desperate & just needed a bit more - plus a couple of £2 coins - I've been there before.  The lure of the big machine is strong - I knew there was a likelihood, win or lose, I would end up there - like before.  Doing the walk of shame out like everyone described on the thread I read yesterday.  I had to get everything else done 1st.  1 minute at a time!

1st shop wonderful, getting the white goods much better than I could have hoped & I was happy to wait as long as everything took instead of being in a mad rush.  How much would constitute gambling?  If I only used the set amount I had allowed myself, could I still count it as a gamble free day or would I need to start again on my real gamble free days and have the other run as 'still in control'?  I could hear everyone on line saying "No, don't do it."  The only way to beat it is to quit.  I didn't go online, I went to the loo, it took me up to the car park exit & I thought I should walk out now & win but I didn't.  I was still negotiaiting a little play - just to stop the urge.  I went back down and back up again, then down again and at some point, I decided that I was going to choose 'no'.  I was scared to because I thought I needed to gamble to make the feeling go away and nothing else would do it - How wrong was I?!?  I chose 'no' & the fog lifted.  I felt euphoric & light & smiley.  I texted OH, he's supposed to be one of my roadblocks but I've been so critical of him in the past when I cried for help on the way to gamble, he said he was going to leave me to it.  Last time I blamed him & said if I had gone with my decision, I would not have gambled/lost.  We all know that that is just our illness but he doesn't get it - probably just as well.  It helped seeing people being honest about their losses, I have no idea what I have lost over the years and I am scared that if I work it out it will be millions - It's certainly must be in the hundreds of thousands but I know it's water under the bridge now.  I saw a man with over £3000 in the bank last time I gambled but @ over £100 spin that's not great odds.

The rare times I have been really up it's only ever been about £1000 - We don't have the life changing jackpots you Americans chase so I ain't never getting my money back.  OH doesn't get it but he agreed he was proud - Not quite enough back patting but I was so happy for myself this time so it wasn't important.  It occurred on the way home that I was experiencing a similar calm to one a hypnotist had given me.  I didn't treat myself like I decided I could for not gambling & I didn't sit down and watch a film but I did have a lovely walk with the dog & Chinese in front of the soaps.  I only hope I can keep on choosing No!  

I'm in the process of selling an asset so will be cash rich shortly.  I've decided I will treat myself with a play.  Even having won today, I was trying to figure out how that will work.  A hundred's not enough.  5?  Probably not enough either, make it £1000.  In a purse as my 'play' money - no card - but then if I lose it all, I have to have a way of getting more out because my luck will have to change & I'd need more to let it do that.  & then I realise that nothing has changed and this was a mere pidgeon step in what is going to be the biggest challenge of my life.  I want to control it, not quit, but I'm starting to hear you guys - It's not that kind of fight.  I always need to turn right instead of turning left it would appear.

Posted on:
Tue, 30/12/2014 - 19:09

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

August 25th 2014:  Again contemplated using my small change but decided not to.

August 27th 2014:  Stressy day - am pretty sure I would have gone today & told OH so.  I'm so glad he was home.

August 28th 2014:  Jarred my back, no car to get to appointment but would I have gotten the bus or cycled to play - I think so.

August 29th 2014:  Day 27th - What constitutes a month?

September 1st 2014:  ****** Mum off trying to bring her with me on the journey.  Reading loads again.  Could very easily have gone but walked the dog for 1 3/4 hours, did some housework & had physio.  Bit sad that I spent £100 on Chiro & petrol but didn't freak.  Planning a treat at one month.  Got to get to Tuesday.

2nd September 2014:  Day 31 :-)

4th September 2014:  Walked past a bookies & it felt different today somehow.  Told OH & he said fingers crossed it's a good sign which was cool!

6th September 2014:  Stayed in bed all morning - If I don't get up, I won't be tempted.  Braved the World later on & bought a colouring book and some chick lit.  

7th September 2014:  Bought new stuff £150 ouch took the dog for a run as punishment, cooked for the freezer and then did 1 1/2 hours of ironing.  In the past, this may well have been an excuse to 'pop' out.  Nice & early to bed but no sleep due to wedding planning.  Finally, no iPad.

9th September 2014:  Using the colouring book, actually went for a run & finally feels like the fog is lifting.

10th September 2014:  Went out & still to bed at 2146.  No real DS today as I feel better in myself - Day 39.

12th September 2014:  Today would be a day.  Wondered what a trip to the shopping centre would do for my urges as I think I can beat them.  Realise that 50 is in sight.  Fingers very much crossed - it would be lovely to be cured but I'm not testing myself & I don't care that I'm not!  Day 41.

19th September 2014:  All the olds know I'm getting married, OH collected me from work telling me I could tell people.  Threw the brochure @ Mum & she yelped, not used to emotion from her - Great reaction!  Day 48 :-)

16th October 2014:  Day 75 - I can't believe it's gone so quickly.  Been on the site a bit lately and near a couple of my old haunts.  The 1st time, I gave gambling some thought but today, not so much.

1st November 2014:  Celebrated in the car Park about being back in possession of my card and then was floored by urges.  I was able to chose no but still gutted.  I thought I was cured after no real dramas all this time - 91 days to be precise.

2nd November 2014:  Nearly didn't get up - figured if I stayed in bed all day, the urges wouldn't come.  Got up and went to another old haunt to shop - thought about it lots - weird coz I'm barred but it was easier than yesterday.  OH proud :-)

Posted on:
Tue, 30/12/2014 - 19:13

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

& then I found this site and I'm hooked.  I don't write in my diary anymore as it's too risky to carry it around with me.

A lot of writing, mostly dull but I promised I would do this and now I can update it at important milestones.

150 days today & finally I get it but I'm still working it One Day At A Time!

Posted on:
Tue, 30/12/2014 - 19:42

Markb117

Joined:
2014-11-22

Brilliant  odaat reading your diary gives me real hope that I too can beat this, and with people like yourself helping myself and others with your comments on our diarys it really makes a difference.thx

Posted on:
Tue, 30/12/2014 - 22:08

triangle

Joined:
2014-03-14

brilliant odaat

keep going and supporting others on here

thx

Posted on:
Wed, 31/12/2014 - 09:27

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Morning ODAAT,

Thank you for your lovely post on my diary and thank you for sharing your story, 

You have  supported so many people on here, by having a diary, we can now support you back.

With 151 days under your belt, and your determination you are doing just great.

Have a good New Years Eve  and enjoy it.

Suzanne xx

 

Posted on:
Wed, 31/12/2014 - 16:27

Markb117

Joined:
2014-11-22

  • ODAAT Have a good New Years Eve and hope gambling is a thing of the past in 2015.

Mark.

Posted on:
Wed, 31/12/2014 - 16:33

triangle

Joined:
2014-03-14

Happy new year xx

Posted on:
Wed, 31/12/2014 - 18:46

sonic boom

Joined:
2014-05-01

Hi Odaat,

I echo the words from Emily, a couple of weeks ago I noticed your continued words of encouragement on a number of diarys and subsequently wanted to read your own story. Unfortunately at the time you hadnt created your own diary for me to post on.

I will be an active reader of your diary and hope we can do ourselves proud and make 2015 the year we give NOTHING to the gambling industry.

Wishing you a great new years eve.

Mark x

Posted on:
Wed, 31/12/2014 - 19:57

gingernut1

Joined:
2011-04-09

HI ODAAT, you were there with such supportive words at the start of my recovery ..thank you.. i agree with so many others, you really are an inspiration to many, happy 2015, look forward to your posts.... Ginger

Posted on:
Wed, 31/12/2014 - 23:24

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hello Everyone,

I wish I had the vocabulary to explain how I am feeling today...I think the word may be 'humbled' by all your words of support that I don't feel worthy of but if it isn't, I hope you all get what I mean! 

I am not sure what the correct etiquette is for thanking people so I have popped across to all of your diaries (I hope) but figured I was as well to THANK YOU all publicly here, from the bottom of my heart, because without you I would not be here skipping along this road to recovery. 

I also want to extend my thanks to everyone that has/is posting stories of inspiration as well as people lurking in the background offering silent wishes of support. 

May 2015 be our best year ever & may we all find the strength to remain in recovery - ODAAT :-)

 

Posted on:
Thu, 01/01/2015 - 04:10

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

OMG, just spent the best part of I don't know how long writing a post about how I got here & got so caught up in it that the dumb battery died :-(  The rational part of my brain is saying, 'it's 3 in the morning' no-one cares it will keep' but the addicted side says, 'it is all here fresh in your mind, you must write through the tiredness'...

I played the penny pushers (1p & 2p) in the Seaside arcades & now suddenly recall as a child, having my money 'stolen' on school journey once.  At the time, I was upset for weeks, it had been in a little coin bag next to the machine that I was playing.  Looking back on this years later, with hindsight, I'm not so sure I didn't just stand there in a trance shovelling it in.  

From here I progressed to 5p machines in 'The Shop' after school with my beloved Aunt (she's a great Aunt on paper, not that it's relevant but I cannot come here & not be honest).  Mum was a compulsive gambler by now & I never really got my sister's Dad who was dragging me up so it was all about Aunty & I followed her to the Bingo just as soon as I was old enough.  Here I often found Mum on the fruit machines & discovered that I could make her smile by playing machines with her & giving her money when she ran out.  So I then followed Mum back to 'The Shop' before both being introduced to & finding new ones.  Between these & the Bingo, 10p stakes progressed to 30p, then £1 & £2 & the massive £4 token jackpots became £30, £75, £500, £1000.

I never gambled before work as I knew invariably this would make me late & I never committed a criminal act (although to my eternal shame I did manipulate money out of relatives that to this day I consider I stole) to fund my habit but other than that, anything or should I say everything went.  I abandoned my sports, lost touch with friends, couldn't be bothered to visit relatives (unless I needed something) you all know how it goes & anyway I digress.

A few years ago, I considered I may have a problem.  I concluded that this was unlikely since I was an intelligent person and I could obviously stop if I wanted to.  Sadly it only ever seemed like I wanted to stop when I ran out if money which despite by now being pretty much every time I was able to gamble, by the the time the morning came round again & my withdrawal limits had reset, all thoughts of stopping had been replaced by an urgent need to get back on the horse.  By now it had long since stopped being about the winning because I could not stop until I could either not get my hands on any more cash or the premises closed.  By now I was in a well paid job, living with someone who hailed from another County & despite being given handouts (they couldn't possibly go to my Mum, she would just fritter them away) from the olds, getting more & more into debt until one say it came to me, we should sell.  Nan gave me more money for property where he lived & (we didn't buy it outright as she expected) he got a mortgage there, I downsized & got a mortgage here, cleared all my debts & for want of a better phrased ****** the rest of the money up the wall.  We eventually split up, he remains there, I took back what I could out of the equity in his property & Nan asks everytime I see her if I will be getting 'my' money back soon. 

It was round about this point that the idea occurred to me again, I may have a problem.  I reduced the withdrawal limit on my bank card had the cash withdrawal facility removed from my credit card & went to see a hypnotist.  It was all a bit strange, I felt drained afterwards but he gave me a technique (which works to this day, sometimes just by thinking about using it, although I am scared to use it in case I wear it out) to bring out a flutter of euphoria which serves to relax me.  Best £200 odd quid I'd spent for a while, I think I stayed clean for about a week. 

I then bimbled on for a few more months before realising that even just the £100 limit was crippling me with the amount of opportunity I had to gamble being not quite so young but free & single again!  I had moved again by now & this was quite a long way to travel so on top of my losses I was also wasting petrol money which to a compulsive gambler is a big no no, I didn't want to be chucking my gambling money into the car oh no!  I'd found another hall with more machines & yet another new favourite that now meant instead of 'playing' (I put that in inverted commas because I question whether pressing an auto start button & shovelling money does constitutes playing, I use them too much but you'll have to excuse that) my usual 2 machines, I 'had' to play 3 all @ once because they were linked & if one got a feature, they all did.  I excluded from this Bingo!  That last about a month before I went back with my tail between my legs...Suffered the embarrassment of an interview with a manager & 'celebrated' being accepted back into the fold a few days later when the reinstatement letter came through with an almighty battering.  I self excluded again despite the warning from a different manager (who had to interview me to exclude) who I'd never even met saying that they may never let me back did I really want to do this or did I want to go away & cool down!?!

Forward another few months, couple more bank accounts, new loan, new credit cards & a £1000 jackpot that didn't cover my losses that day in a shop I had tried to exclude from but they'd insisted I could only do that if I hadn't gambled there for the last 24 hours!  I began self excluding from the shops too.  Some were very obstructive, some were great & took the form without question, one lovely lady said if I was to swear @ her say, she would bar me.  I've never had a problem but the potty mouth tried to fail me that day, I won in the end though & squeaked out the f word.  I'm not sure if it was guilt or relief that marched me straight to the florist to buy her a bunch of flowers.  Excluding from one town, travelling to another etc etc until one day & I have no idea how it happened I ended up in a Bookies.  Once upon a time, I would rather pee myself than go into a Bookies & although I was happy to chuck a few pence each way on the Grand National like we had done as a family since childhood, not if I had to put the bet on, I wasn't! 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 01/01/2015 - 13:24

Taxi man

Joined:
2014-11-21

152 days awesome stuff well done you hope to follow in them footsteps. 

Excellent diary really good read following your diary. 

Thanks for your post on my diary and been the first to welcome me onto this site you are an amazing supporter of many on this site and an inspiration to all. 

Happy new year 

Tm 

Posted on:
Thu, 01/01/2015 - 14:59

J24

Joined:
2014-10-24

Hi ODAAT,

Thanks again for the post earlier in the week. Glad to see you have your own diary now. You have been popping up all over since I joined, with what always seemed to be pearls of wisdom but nowhere for anyone to get back to you properly! 

You really have come so far and are without doubt to me one of the stories that gives me hope that things will get better somewhere along the line so long as I continue to take things one day at a time.

All the best for the new year

Jess x

 

Posted on:
Thu, 01/01/2015 - 21:14

Ade2

Joined:
2013-03-17

Hi ODAAT,

Thanks for your supportive post earlier today.

Keep strong, keep fighting the fight and Happy new year.

Ade

Posted on:
Thu, 01/01/2015 - 22:19

Fighter_1

Joined:
2014-01-07

It's been a great read ODAAT.  I love how brutally honest and open you are about things,  which I think is the only real way you can begin a recovery which is likely to succeed.

I too concur with the other posters about the inspirational and structured advice and encouragement that you post on the threads! 

It seems as though whatever our different level of intelligence is the gambling will ultimately numb all of our brains in the same way! 

heres to a gamble free 2015 for you!

 

Posted on:
Thu, 01/01/2015 - 23:21

boxingdayfresh

Joined:
2014-12-28

Hey ODAAT. 

Enjoyed reading all your diary just now and understanding how far you have come and how you've battled the urges is really inspirational. You are doing really great encouraging everyone on here and also sharing your story is so good of you. Helps people understand what you've been through and how you've turned things around. Makes the possibility of abstaining long term more real for those of us in the early stages.  

Thanks again and wishing you continued success on your journey 

 

Clare x 

Posted on:
Fri, 02/01/2015 - 10:26

Jane42

Joined:
2014-10-30

Well done on 153 days gamble free! Xx

Posted on:
Fri, 02/01/2015 - 16:37

gingernut1

Joined:
2011-04-09

Hi ODAAT, what a great point from NT, I will always be in your slipstream and everyone else who's got more day's under their belt than me, 153 days is a great achievement. to you ODAAT it maybe a diary of shame but to me it was a journal of encouragement, a reminder never to go back to those dark days..... kind regards, onwards and upwards Ginger

Posted on:
Fri, 02/01/2015 - 16:56

hollie

Joined:
2014-12-31

Just read your diary you are an inspiration to us all

Posted on:
Fri, 02/01/2015 - 18:19

amt1974

Joined:
2015-01-01

Hi, you were kind enough to reply to my first post earlier today which is appreciated. 153 days gamble free is inspirational to a day 1'er like me.  You've been through what i feel today and thanks for sharing your journey.

Posted on:
Sat, 03/01/2015 - 00:03

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi everyone :-)

This is not a gambling post but it's my diary & I haven't seen anything about it in the rules saying I can't so here goes...

If anyone out there is thinking of giving up caffeine for New Year, be afraid, be very afraid :-0

No seriously, please please please do some research & do not go cold turkey!!!  I have for the last goodness knows how long been drinking a certain fizzy drink in a red & white can like it's going out of fashion!  I used to joke that I was waiting for my wonky teeth to fall out so I could get some lovely straight ones but I had a brace a couple of years back so that excuse wore thin & I tried to cut down to a couple of cans a day.  The headaches were so severe, I gave up as a bad job!

In October 2013, I went to the States for 2 weeks...I am a strange creature as I only partake in the red & white can if it is English.  What you ask, no way, it all tastes the same...It doesn't & yep I can tell - although to be fair I have had the odd locally grown case that tastes funny, I imagine it has something to do with storage temperature maybe?  Anyway, I switched to a caffeine free fizzy drink & went through hell.  I was expecting the headaches but I stopped sleeping & despite sitting in the bathroom reading all night, really ALL night (I was fidgety so didn't want to bother the OH) I never had a number 2 (why do they call it that?) for 2 weeks!  OH asked Dr Google for guidance & figured it may be caffeine related but by then I decided I had come this far, may as well stay off it!  With resolve like mine?  Really?  Straight back on it when I landed & within minutes, I was back!

Roll on 6 months, & this holiday forgotten, I woke up one morning, tired, as usual & decided it must be the caffeine so I once again packed in the cans!  Headaches, not sleeping, toilet concerns, I was expecting them but I swear after about 4 days I was besides myself...I cannot put into words how I was feeling because the word I have always used is idgy & that's not in the dictionary.  I once again turned to the Quack for advice & the closest I could come up with was restless leg syndrome.  Symptoms are the same so even though it was more my lower back that I was jittering about, I had an answer & I was going to survive.  A pressure situation @ work led to an early start with someone very important & I fizzed open my 1st can @ about half 4.  Another on the train into work, one more when I was in & by 7 a.m. I had consumed 4 of them.  I blamed the resulting stomach issues on my nerves but I have been nervous before, it was never like this.  Once again, normality resumed & I was back to my normal lethargic self.

Roll on to just before Christmas & despite my excitement I couldn't get out of bed.  I wrote on someone's diary about gifting themselves recovery for Christmas & it occurred to me that I too could gift myself the same.  I was already well on my way to gambling recovery but I had nothing to lose trying to knock the fizzy stuff on the head.  This time, I was prepared, I had consulted the good Dr & discovered how dangerous it is to go cold turkey with this type of withdrawal & I cut down instead.  A little too much maybe but I was able to weather the symptoms much better this time.  I am also armed now with the strength my gambling recovery has given me & today, I choose one can a day!  I feel so much better for it & yes, this is much easier than letting the demons go!

Anyway, this is my story, thank-you for reading!

Remaining gamble free - ODAAT

 

Posted on:
Sat, 03/01/2015 - 01:13

boxingdayfresh

Joined:
2014-12-28

Wow I never knew that addiction to that could grip so badly. Fascinating stuff and glad you've managed to get this under control and limited to a can a day. Can't imagine how bad this would be. Sounds like terrible withdrawal symptoms when you tried to go cold turkey. 

Well done on kicking the red n white can :) 

Posted on:
Sat, 03/01/2015 - 18:07

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

 

 

  • Hi ODAAT,

I am glad That is one addiction I did not get Into, never liked fizzy pop or anything like that ie red and white can, not even in my beloved voddy, but I read what you have said, and I have never had it available for my kids  or my grandkids.

(But that was probably my selfish addiction calling because I hVe never liked it ) so my grandkids are used to juice, or water, thank goodness, because I know one addiction at an early age can lead to sooo many more at a later age.

Am proud to be walking along side of you, because we both know it's a ******* hard journey 

Suzanne xx

 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 03/01/2015 - 21:33

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Thanks ODAAT

Xxxxxx

 

 

  1.  

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 04/01/2015 - 22:39

annie67

Joined:
2015-01-04

Hi ODAAT

This is my first post as I joined tonight after reading your encouraging comments to others' posts.  I have read your diary and I am so pleased for you.  You are honest and insightful and I will continue to take encouragement from your posts.

I'm going to give it a day or two of reading before embarking on my diary - my recovery journey started on 29/12/14 and I am fully committed to beating the demon of gambling addiction (admitting it feels shameful but also quite liberating).

I wish you all the best for the future - slainte mhah! (good health)

Posted on:
Sun, 04/01/2015 - 23:38

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Hi annie67, can't pop over to THANK-YOU personally so shouting it out loud on here...THANX for your kind words & welcome to recovery :-) 

Also, thanks for touching on my title, NT & gingernut1 questioned my sanity & I never really explained myself on here!  Firstly, I was copying from a handscrawled recovery diary as I couldn't sign up to the site I found 1st & then when NT 1st mentioned it, I was too much of a dinosaur to realise I could change it!  After responding on his post & seeing the edit button, I realised I was going to stick with it for 2 reasons...1) I am ashamed that I allowed myself to be the sort of person who has to live in recovery & 2) More importantly, it is a reminder of why I am here!  Both the same reasons?  Maybe but for me, one was my life as a gambler & two is my life now.  I'm not the best @ explaining myself sometimes (should have paid more attention in school & could have done a lot more homework, if I hadn't been down the gambling shop) but hopefully this makes sense!

I would encourage you to write a diary, it really helped me @ the time & especially on Day 18 which was a turning point for me.  You can be brutally honest here & will only ever get a kick up the rear if people are worried about poor choices you plan to make.  I tried to find some Scottish Gaelic for one of my favourites, but none of the translators could be sure so you'll just have to have some boring English...Be strong - ODAAT

Posted on:
Mon, 05/01/2015 - 00:08

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Day 154:  Dropped the OH to football in a place where I am excluded from & didn't even realise where I was until I was passing the car park that I have sprinted back to too many times to mention - to move the car & get a new ticket (re-feeding the meter is illegal after all) before the time ran out.  See, how could I have had a problem, my Mum just leaves her car over the time accruing parking tickets, which she does not open, that become hundreds of pounds...I was a responsible gambler!  Incredible the lies I used to tell, even to myself :-( 

Day 155:  Today I shopped in the area I did most of my damage (the stuff I've not gotten round to telling you about yet) in & had there been more time, I would have sat down in a coffee shop (with a caffeine free drink of course) & told you all...I was there to shop!  & for a change, I don't mean bargain hunt!  Usually, I pick things up, put them down, go get them again, put them down, think, 'I know, I'll go & win the money gambling, then I can buy them' & of course, the rest is history.  I have money now from an inheritance, I am extremely fortunate, I am well aware of that.  I knew this was coming & it would no doubt be all gone now had I not been able to find my way here to my safe haven of recovery.  This money has been in our account for over 2 months, I have not bought anything with it that was not a bargain, I am scared to spend it after all these years of looking after every penny except if course the ones I chucked uncontrollably into the machines :-(  Today, I paid full price for new running shoes :-0  I cannot lie, this was in some part due to the angry red blisters I inflicted on my arches for the second Park Run running but none-the-less was something I could not have contemplated before now!  I wore them, despite my existing blisters, the minute I got home.  Cooking tea, cleaning the floor, vegging on the couch (don't panic, I hung them off the end), OH insisted I remove them for bedtime though...He puts up with a lot, I didn't make a fuss.  They are neatly lined up besides it though so I can hop straight into them in the morning & wear them round the house some more :-)  I also picked up a non sale coat in Cotswold & was almost gutted to see it for over £60 less on line because that meant I couldn't buy it today.  No way was I spending that much more than I had to.  I had the audacity to ask if they price matched & to my complete surprise, no haggle & I will finally be warm when I go out :-)

I was short of time (to shop, there is always lots more to gamble) & obviously was conscious of where I was but this time, it was not a thought of how could I gamble.  It was a thought that I wouldn't be & I needed to let everyone know...It gets easier!  

I would love this to be the end of my journey to say I'm cured but despite never being a responsible gambler, I am a responsible recoverer - ODAAT

Posted on:
Mon, 05/01/2015 - 02:49

gingernut1

Joined:
2011-04-09

Hi odaat, you made me smile over the shopping comment, " pick things up, put them down, pick them back up then put them down again"  because I would loose all my money in the bookies walk out with just loose change in my pocket pop in the shop next door pick up an evian then put it down and pick up a cheaper own brand saying to myself   "how much."    that's crazy gambling rationale for you. thankfully i realise that now.  stay inspiring...... onwards and upwards.....Ginger

Posted on:
Mon, 05/01/2015 - 21:21

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

OMG, started trying to my tax return today (nothing like leaving everything til the last minute)...Talk about shame!  I had to go back through old bank statements & there are literally hundreds & hundreds of withdrawals - all with 2 zeros after the number :-(  I stopped getting statements on paper years ago for this very reason & almost contemplated requesting the worse one just to serve as a reminder of what a fool I was!  I cannot & will not go back to being that idiot! 

When I think about never gambling again, it still scares me but I know I can do it if I just keep @ it - ODAAT

Posted on:
Tue, 06/01/2015 - 08:24

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Hi ODAAT,

156 days of no more bank transactions leaving your account, your strength and determination shines through, even when we get little nasty reminders of our past nearly every day, but that only makes us stronger to not go back to that life that was simply hell.

You are doing great, be very proud of your days and keep doing what  you are doing.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

 

 

 

Posted on:
Tue, 06/01/2015 - 08:32

blue in the red

Joined:
2014-12-18

Bloody hell,I too started my accounts yesterday,I hate doing them,and going through my bank statements was a real eye opener,it's when you see the multiple withdrawals of large amounts grouped together that the addiction becomes all to apparent,how ridiculous does it seem now,it has only hardened my resolve and I hope it had the same effect on you,keep up the outstanding work!xx

Posted on:
Tue, 06/01/2015 - 16:54

mjb4000

Joined:
2011-12-24

Hi ODAAT  well done on 156 pluss days i am quite a bit behind you and cant wait till i get there keep it going

mark

Posted on:
Tue, 06/01/2015 - 18:57

I wished

Joined:
2014-04-25

Hi ODAAT 

Not a bad idea to work for GamCare, and as you say Plenty of references lol.

Take care

Suzanne xx

Posted on:
Tue, 06/01/2015 - 19:37

Markb117

Joined:
2014-11-22

ODAAT well done on 157 days something most of us CG can look up to.

Posted on:
Thu, 08/01/2015 - 00:29

amt1974

Joined:
2015-01-01

I'm sure you can stay gamble free, 157 + days is an exceptional acheivement. Is it a good feeling looking at a statement without any gambling transactions on it?

I am looking forward to getting a month's bank statement without any debit card transactions for gambling. January's is out the question as last transactions were on the 1st. Not looking forward to explaining to my accountant why 4k was withdrawn from my business account last week and has'nt been repaid. Plenty of other time's been taking and not repaying!

Posted on:
Thu, 08/01/2015 - 06:18

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Odaat

just a quick line to say thanks so much for the kind words you wrote upon my thread,I am truly humbled by them.

You are doing something truly amazing,never forget that and too boot you have the courage to share it with other folk,your honesty will I hope continue to serve you well.

keep up the great work

Abstain and maintain

Dunc stepping forward never back

Posted on:
Thu, 08/01/2015 - 15:34

DINO

Joined:
2009-02-06

Hi ODAAT

Thanks for the support,not used to having all these mixed emotions,but as time goes by hopefully they will ease.

Many thanks again Dino x

Posted on:
Thu, 08/01/2015 - 15:49

Taxi driver

Joined:
2015-01-07

Hi again odaat...just want to say thankyou for taking your time to connect with me in my diary.... 

After reading through yours it Is apperant you seem to be well into your amazing recovery journey long may it continue!!!

Thankyou again hope you have a nice gamble free day!!!

Posted on:
Thu, 08/01/2015 - 18:22

Curly10

Joined:
2009-11-17

Hi ODAAT.

Thanks for your supportive post. I'll have a read through your diary when I have a bit of free time. Well done on the 150+ days. Keep it up and don't get complacent.

 

Curly.

Posted on:
Fri, 09/01/2015 - 00:05

Ade2

Joined:
2013-03-17

Hi ODAAT,

Thanks for your supportive post on my diary.

Hope you managed to sort through the tax return ok! ;0(  .......not fun eh!

Keep doing what you're doing mate, and you're dead right you can stay away from gambling. It may scare you a bit at times.....but YOU can beat it....one day at a time.....

All the very best

Ade

Posted on:
Fri, 09/01/2015 - 09:20

blue in the red

Joined:
2014-12-18

Morning ODAAT,enjoyed reading your diary,not in a sadistic way obviously,I mean it's very inspirational to myself and others,and caffeine addiction is a real *******,I knocked coffee on the head after realising I was drinking about 15 cups a day,I was Ill for days and so tired,I'm almost back to normal now and have the odd cup when I fancy one but you've done the right thing by reducing your intake slowly,keep it up,xxx

Posted on:
Fri, 09/01/2015 - 09:29

boxingdayfresh

Joined:
2014-12-28

Day 160 what a phenomenal achievement. So pleased you're on here giving your support to others. Truly inspirational. 

Clare x. 

Posted on:
Fri, 09/01/2015 - 16:33

Johnireland

Joined:
2014-10-03

Hi ODATT, 

thanks for taking the time to post on my thread. I have followed your progress over the months and feel the need to say that I think you are doing fantastic.

not only in keeping yourself free from gambling but even more so in the way you take time to help the others in here.

i like your approach, how you lay it out straight when needed and the support you constantly give away for free. 

You are helping more people than you know. 

160 days. I'm sure you are proud. You should be. All any of us can do is progress day to day with positivity and good choices. 

I see you doing that and I'm happy for you. 

All the best, john. 

Posted on:
Sat, 10/01/2015 - 22:44

somethingsgottagive

Joined:
2015-01-03

Hey ODAAT, isn't it about time for an update to your diary?! You have a little band of followers now (of which I am a member) :)

x

Posted on:
Sun, 11/01/2015 - 11:58

brutus123C

Joined:
2014-07-29

Hi ODAAT
Thanks for your post and support on my recovery diary.
I see you are well ahead of me so continue doing what you are doing
Take care
Cheryl x

Posted on:
Sun, 11/01/2015 - 22:21

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Well hello diary, I'm here under duress as I hate to disappoint anyone but myself ;-)

I am undecided why I have been putting it off but thank-you for the push.  

I have not had any urges lately that require the physical action of a Ninja chop followed by some strong vocals along the lines of 'no, not today you don't!'  So I guess that final grisly chapter into the decent of my personal hell must appear...

I had reduced my available cash withdrawal to £100 on my debit card.  I often considered that over a month, if I could physically gamble everyday, this was still me saying I would 'only' lose £3000 but I quickly ignored those concerns, I mean, I work full time, there was no possible way I could do it everyday!  I carried our joint credit card with a £300 cash withdrawal facility but this was risky if OH ever saw the bills!  I then took over Mum's account (having bailed her out again) & was holding her card for her!  Genius, now I could phone bank money across from mine to hers & withdraw another £300 per day!  I used the money in order, mine (well I say mine, I mean whatever loan company had bailed me out last), mine from Mum's account & then the joint credit card.  Most days if the shops were open, I'd sprint about like a maniac (hoping no-one went on 'my' machine(s) I preferred to play 2), buying stuff I didn't need (like food) to get a couple of £50 cash backs on top.  All the money from 'downsizing' was now well & truely spent, anything Nan gave me, hot on it's heels & needless to say the incomings & outgoings still weren't balancing.  I confessed to OH that I had a 'bit of an issue' with gambling.  He was cool with it, 'it's your money', little did he know :-(

I had self excluded from all available Bingo halls & fruit machine shops within a substantial distance of my house by now & I have no idea how it happened (I believe an advert of my favourite game may well have pulled me in) but one day, to my disgust, I wound up in a Bookies.  I only played cash to start with as I had no idea you could just go to the counter & do a switch transaction, brilliant, like I needed any more help destroying my life!  I was also v loath to go the the counter & cash in my piece of paper but with no choice, I soon became a dab hand @ this!  Play, get some money back, maybe even win some, cash it in, poke it all back in the machine, maybe get a bit back, cash it in, poke it back in a machine (I wasn't always so focused in here, liked to play all 4 machines, & sometimes even different games). Run to the bank, start over!  Until I realised I just needed to pop back to the counter & hand over my bank card!  Come on, quickly, quickly - why is everyone in such a rush in those places?  Everyone on our side of the counter anyway...The other side, it's like they are moving in slow motion!  Count the money 16 times or 'Got to wait for the safe to open' you say, 'may as well play on for a bit then, let me know when I can cash out'...Really?  May as well have just been honest with them 'ok, you win, I'll just go & poke it back in, see you when it's all gone to try & do another bank withdrawal!'  £1 & £2 stakes, ha, not anymore...5 spins for £20 much better & then some depending on how much I was losing.  The more I was down, the more I risked...Madness!   Sometimes, I would put money back on my card, some days I'd leave with money & go to the bank to pay it in!  Most times, I went straight on back to playing, holding my breath as they tried another withdrawal for me, sprinting out to withdraw on my credit card when the bank stopped playing ball!  Then straight home to do another balance transfer on my credit card or take out another loan.  I remortgaged, took out extra money, anything I could do to 'replace what I'd lost'.  I started self excluding from these, what a joke, I spent a fortune in photos, couldn't keep up!  I started texting OH when I felt vulnerable...He never said the right thing so I gambled anyway, blamed him.  Nasty :-(  Until finally...

You know the rest!  The End

Posted on:
Sun, 11/01/2015 - 23:03

goodbyemrchips

Joined:
2015-01-11

ODAAT, your story is very encouraging.  Well done on the progress that you have made!

Posted on:
Mon, 12/01/2015 - 04:49

brutus123C

Joined:
2014-07-29

Hi ODAAT

The comment on my thread was not about you nor anyone who has posted on my diary. As I said I was reading a lot of diaries and just wrote what I felt.
Take care
Cheryl x

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