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Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 07:35

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

It's all over the news, justyn larcomb, labour mp tom Watson, talking fobts and online gambling. He seems clued up, epidemic coming! Even he says another delay by government. What a surprise! 

Posted on:
Tue, 31/10/2017 - 07:38

Dean0

Joined:
2017-09-14

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 08:08

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Well we can all live in hope but ultimately it's down to the individual. I do worry for the online generation. 

Posted on:
Wed, 01/11/2017 - 13:29

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

I do too MGR.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 09:22

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hey Cathy, more young ones on here. The world of credit and the interest rates went up! Disaster. So I don't want to post all the time, I also hate being accused of stating the obvious. Dress it up however you like, I prefer honesty to fancy dress. I really struggle when I see people actively seeking help but not doing it 100%. I'm an honest person I can't help it. I think it has to do with insecurity, not doing something someone won't like or seeking reassurance, always asking if anyone minds, etc. I've said I think lying is about control. So when someone who is not the addict is 'covering' , lying for them. I've done that, inadvertently, stupidly, not realising the repercussions. So it's playing on my mind. You want to stop the addicts addiction, you seek help, but you continue to control the situation by lying. It's just bugging the * out of me. What is the point if you're perpetuating the cycle? Help is not being taken, wasting your time and my time. If we could control the addict and their addiction we wouldn't be here, would we? I think damage limitation is a mistake. Controlling someone being 'judged' is protecting yourself, not the addict. You don't want to be judged, you blame yourself. Is compulsive gambling a crime? The more you talk about it the less taboo it becomes. It's like swearing on tv, you don't even notice anymore. So the more you talk, the more help you get. The more people understand. Don't they?

Posted on:
Sat, 04/11/2017 - 13:21

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

The problem MGR is that we are looking through our rear view mirrors. I have been doing this for 10 years and you for longer than that. It really is a long road but everyone must walk it for themselves. We are reading and thinking "you need to do this" or "what you are doing is a recipe for disaster" but alas the nature of addiction is one big lie ... mainly to ones self.I really believe people (on both sides of this addiction) will do what they do until it doesn't work for them. When we know better we do better.

Seeing all the young people on here breaks my heart. Yet realistically I know that this is just the beginning of a very long hard road.This addiction rarely just up and disappears because "I have learned my lesson and never want to gamble again". Unfortunately it is not that easy:(

Cathyx

Posted on:
Sun, 05/11/2017 - 08:03

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thanks Cathy I'm just noticing controlling behaviour. I'm realising how things in my past have been about control. Don't tell, not about gambling but about money etc. New things, holidays, relationships. Controlling reactions, responses, judgement, opinion, choices. Compulsive Gambler says it how it is. A true honest story for f&f to digest! How it is possible to deceive for a very long time. I know that feeling, it's funny I don't feel anger. More sadness, loss of togetherness, loneliness. We are where we are are. Finished my book, Beautiful Dead, took a while, just few pages at night, better than sleeping tablets! New book. Sewing is going well I've made, since July, 2 dress for me, 1 dress for daughter, 1 blouse. New project I've unpicked tartan skirt that doesn't fit me any more made bag with padding and lining. Trying to work out strap/handles. This is going round in my head paloma faith 'cry baby'. "You keep coming home drunk
And I don't know what's up
You can talk to me
Spare those whiskey dreams
Don't have to man up
That phrase kinda sucks
Let yourself be free
And open up to me"

Posted on:
Mon, 06/11/2017 - 09:05

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

It's very interesting reading around the site and some differing views. My cg and I were looking at our wedding photo. He commented on his appearance, hair, smile/ not smiling. I said 'were you thinking about all the lies? Thank god dad bailed me out?' He said 'I'm looking forward now, trying not to think about the past'. I think that's a good philosophy but I also think you could have a little remorse. On f&f disbelief and despair are initial feelings. There's also a lot of guilt. Why should we feel guilty? I don't have guilt or do I? Maybe for not keeping calm, for shouting but definitely not for standing up for myself. Is the best thing to do to end relationships? I don't know because I didn't take that route. A lot of partners take it personally. How could you? Why? If you loved me? Some say it's like cheating, having a mistress. I don't know if it's worse I haven't been there yet! But it's all about deception, lying. So if you lie to someone why are you so upset when they do it to you? It's not very nice when you discover someone's had a secret life you knew nothing about. Guilt. It's an interesting feeling, a feeling we blame on others. Don't feel guilt take responsibility. If you don't like the way someone has treated you maybe think about how you treated them. Treat someone how you would like to be treated.

Posted on:
Mon, 13/11/2017 - 08:56

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Futility! What a great word, thankyou Stephen for inspiration. I've been keeping away from my diary because as some read it they think I'm directing it at them and then they want to confront me, take out there misconceptions on me. Thanks. I write about me, this is my diary about how I feel. I've felt pretty rubbish. I wrote on someone's thread 'damned if we do, damned if we don't '. There is great advice out there, on here, in books. You have to want it. Take it and change. If you don't it's futile! Pointless, do you really want the advice or do you just want someone to say 'it's ok'? It's not ok, that's why you're here, that's why I'm here. I'm questioning many things about my behaviour and choices, I'm trying to see a way through. How bad does it have to be? I've heard all the excuses, the reasons. I've seen the look in people's eyes, I've felt that cold shoulder. The reality is I have to do this for me. I can't change anyone, I can't help if you don't want it. It's futile. There's a debate about what to say to someone who constantly  relapses. There's not really anything because they're not listening. It's futile. If you want your life to improve you have to change. Be honest, stop controlling the situation. Look for ways to change, look for things to help. Retrain your brain, do something different. Anything. I notice when someone is listening, they may not agree, they may find excuses not to change or do, or ignore, but, they heard me. I feel my contribution is futile. It probably isn't but that's how I feel regardless. Some advice is hard to take. It's hard to hear that this is a result of your mistakes. That's how I feel, they are my mistakes. I can't do anything about them. But I can try to not make the same mistakes today.

Posted on:
Fri, 17/11/2017 - 08:58

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Feel bad, conflicted, damned if you do damned if you don't. On visit to mother in law told her how I feel, what I thought, they tried to shut me up, not anymore. I think she got more than she bargained for. Just stuff she says and my cg looking for praise and approval just triggered me. I couldn't help myself, as Alan said 'it's time'. Things she said stick in my mind. She sat there and stroked my hand saying 'yes I knew'. 'Everybody knows'. 'I wouldn't have him stay here'. 'I'm not a liar'.  'Everyone has got little quirks'. She did say she was sorry, but that doesn't help or change it. Now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm conflicted because I feel I shouldn't have done it. I just can't keep playing the 'gagged' person. I apologised for upsetting her, but now I know. Now I feel she felt she had power over me. She shrugged off the problem, disassociated herself from it, but has let it destroy our relationship. I saw the same manipulation from her. So I need to work through my feelings. Today I feel I don't know if I can forgive her. I just feel upset. For anyone reading this, don't underestimate what lying can do.

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 11:11

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Still feel pretty rubbish, spoke to counsellor on phone about not coping and how do I forgive. Going to counselling Friday so moving through this quick sand. Then this appeared in my Fb page by anonymous '

I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path. 
I define myself by the courage I’ve found to forge new roads.

I do not define myself by how many disappointments I’ve faced.
I define myself by the forgiveness and faith I have found to begin again.

I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.
I define myself by how much I have loved, and my capacity to love again.

I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down.
I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.

I am not my pain.
I am not my past.

I am that which has emerged from the fire.

~ Anonymous

Posted on:
Sun, 19/11/2017 - 15:11

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

I am sorry you are struggling right now Merry :(

Cathyx

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 13:40

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thanks Cathy. I had thought I'd be ok but I think the juggernaut I've talked about, ran me over! I'm reading this book, just trivia called 'something only we know'. Picked  it up in the library because of the author, didn't really think about the title. It's about family secrets! I then read this "but I was overtaken with the surge of power that comes from holding charged information". That's how I feel, she had/has power over me, and I felt it when she was talking to me. I just wish I could switch my brain off. Can't stop thinking about things.

 

Posted on:
Wed, 22/11/2017 - 14:31

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Merry is the way to be, content and happy as a bee .........( or happy as a bee was before we messed up his environment)

Go on being your true self

Round on an  angel or an elf 

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 07:59

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thanks Stephen I hope you're having a great family get together. So I have my first session of counselling today. I hope it helps me shake these recurring thoughts. It's just a constant replay in my head. I need to learn to let go. I have a personality that wants to resolve it and maybe I can't. Accepting that's the way it is, is difficult. I want people to have a conscience. I can't make everything better. I can only look after me. So frustrating!

Posted on:
Fri, 24/11/2017 - 14:40

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thankyou SJB, what a thoughtful post on my diary. It's not me it's them! Ha ha! I feel bit better, not going blo ody crazy!

Posted on:
Sat, 25/11/2017 - 09:04

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I thought it made sense SJB, from my counselling session I learnt it's them not me. I'm going because I'm conflicted, can't stop thinking about my in laws and how they treat me. It's all about power, denial, dysfunction. Anyway it's going to get better! It's a beautiful crisp frosty morning. Boredom. Denial. That's what is happening. They say you need to be bored to ignite your imagination. We're all overstimulated by the digital world. You don't do something destructive because you're bored. You're running, hiding from something. Feeling worthless. At a low, vulnerable. Let's escape! Denial. You're denying your problems, feelings, happiness. Sometimes we can't do this by ourselves and there's no shame in asking for help. You have to ask yourself why you feel like this. Why don't you want to do something more rewarding? Why do you want to be alone? You don't, it's a vicious cycle. Self examination is hard but inevitable to work through your problems.

Posted on:
Sun, 03/12/2017 - 09:40

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thanks Sandra. Oh my goodness, emotions have a lot to answer for. Counselling is helping but painful. It makes you think about things again and the reality of how relationships work, or don't in my case. I'm a talker, let's talk about it, deal with it. So it festers inside me when I'm up against people who don't do that. I bought a book, 'How to deal with difficult people'. I'm also going to write a letter, I need to face the juggernaut! I like the onion/layer analogy, that's me. Constantly trying to resolve things in my mind. Well apparently there's too much in there and I can't take in anymore! I find empathy is lacking. So I'm going to have to explain myself. This is an interesting explanation of my dilemma 'the karpman triangle'. Perpetrator, rescuer and victim. It will get better and I will be fine. 

Posted on:
Sun, 03/12/2017 - 11:36

Cynical wife

Joined:
2015-06-23

Hi, Merry,

I started CoDA a few months as well as GamAnon and that’s opening up new insights. Don’t know about change yet, but certainly insights. CoDA is about healthy relationships and the unmanageability caused by knowing and taking care of those around you but not knowing or taking care of yourself.

BW,

CW

Posted on:
Wed, 13/12/2017 - 09:03

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi I haven't posted for a week or so. I looked at coda CW but as I'm doing gamanon and counselling it's too much at the minute. I'm not 100% it's on, it said 'needs support ' or something. It's on my radar. So something just made me laugh out loud that's written on here. What makes you gamble? Financial reward? Well do you know in all the years my cg gambled the only one who had financial reward was the bookies, the brokers, the casino, the online invisible parasites and the banks. Should I be laughing or shaking my head in despair? I think the question should be 'why do I gamble'. Anyway not my problem. I'm going to decorate my tree which is 20 years old and has seen better days. Excuses? We all make them. Time? You waste it. We come this way but once.

Posted on:
Thu, 14/12/2017 - 10:19

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I've been thinking about realisation. When do we realise this is an addiction? When do we realise this is forever? When do we realise we have to change? I'm not an addict but affected by it nonetheless. The power of the mind. The notorious deceit that runs alongside. We have to want things to change and get better, move forward. So we take action. Change one small thing. So the thing that bugs me is the money. Not the fact that I control it, but the fact that I see disrespect for it. Years ago the man was the 'breadwinner'. He took the glory, responsibility. Now we are equal (?), supposed to be. But there is a resistance to who holds the money. The power, the responsibility. In reality what difference does it make? In the wrong hands money is damaging. Today money is almost irrelevant it's just numbers jumping from one account to another. So when do we realise the value of it? When it's gone? When it's bought you all those things? Do we revere it too much? Why do we always want more? Money doesn't buy you happiness is what we always hear. Happiness comes from within. It took a long time for my husband to realise he can't handle money. It's taken longer to realise it has nothing to do with money. It's the mind and the happiness within, the lack of it. I also have to realise what my limitations are. 

Posted on:
Thu, 14/12/2017 - 11:28

P_K

Joined:
2015-08-12

Hi MRG, just read your diary from start to finish.  Most enjoyable.  Wishing you strength.

Posted on:
Sat, 16/12/2017 - 09:24

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thankyou P_K. Control is on my mind. Why do we want to control others? Why do we feel someone is trying to control us? We are powerless. The only person I am responsible for is myself. Is it because we feel out of control? You want to control the outcome. Ultimatums are controlling. If you do this, this will happen. Does it help? Consequences. Do they help? The only consequence I see is if you gamble you lose and hurt people. So why have more pain? I don't get it. I'm at a place now where I try and change me. I don't want to control my cg, I just want the pain to be less. The damage to stop. I can see that consequences and ultimatums cause more pain. Addiction is winning, because addiction doesn't care, it wants pain and loneliness. You have to fight it, stand up to it. You won't beat it, it isn't going away. 

Posted on:
Sun, 17/12/2017 - 12:14

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Resistance is futile! Focussing on the money, you're looking in the wrong place. Acceptance is key. Powerless we are. Honesty. Man in the mirror. The only person I can control is me. I'm saddened to see new stories on f&f, denial, debt being taken on by partners. I end up not knowing what to say or how to help a virtual person. Go to GA or gamanon. Educate yourself and stop repeating the same behaviour. Watch that rat go backwards and forwards for dopamine reward. Deal with the root, even if it's boredom, do something else, physical or mental. Action, do something about it. Self pity? That's not going to change anything. Blame? It's always someone else's fault, then you don't have to deal with it. Relapse? Thousands? Excuses? Someone has already said we say the same thing over and over. Writing a diary is not enough. Depths?

Posted on:
Fri, 22/12/2017 - 08:14

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

My husband said yesterday 'I'm really looking forward to Christmas!' 'Are you?' I was surprised and stunned. Not words that usually come from him. 'Yes first time in years I won't be gambling!' I see subtle changes in him, but definitely much more talkative and much better moods. It's shocking how damaging gambling is to your mental health, clouds your judgement, steals your time. Addiction doesn't care. The sooner you realise the better. But no one is really listening. They're right, you're wrong. Asking questions but not really wanting any answers. Going on and on about money. 'Once the debt is cleared'. What does that mean? It's the behaviour and mindset you have to change. Recovery is a long road that takes years. A quick fix isn't coming. You'll never be better. You'll always be an addict. Tough things to come to terms with. 

Posted on:
Mon, 25/12/2017 - 15:38

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou for the Christmas greetings Mrs Merry Go Round. Hope your having a lovely christmas day.

Think your very brave sharing the kitchen with mother and daughter, ha ha it could be a recipe for disaster! 

I look forward to digesting your anecdotes, dreams and reflections in 2018. 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 27/12/2017 - 10:17

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thankyou! Well what a good Christmas! It's so bizarre to think that that moody bloke didn't turn up this year! Everyone was happy, laughing, no arguing, just fighting over chairs and the sofa. I know Christmas can be a very stressful time, a worrying time, a sad time. Moving forward is all we can do. There are members who were here and I miss them, I hope they are ok. 

Posted on:
Thu, 28/12/2017 - 08:23

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I hate writing or helping or giving advice and being ignored. I know cgs think we have no idea, not a clue, we believed everything thing you said. It's so insulting. You ask for help, but you only want that persons help who agrees with you. You are still obsessing about the money. It's not about the money. Omg how is it that you don't see your addiction. I'm not in debt I'm ok! What? Then there is the troll under the bridge. This is self help. Not blame game. Lies and more lies. My husband exposed a lie he'd told at the dinner table. A lie about where he'd been and when. I didn't prompt him, he walked straight into it. But do you know what he said 'you were snooping.' In front of our children. It wasn't about gambling. That pebble he dropped in that pond is still rippling! Lying about anything. Does anyone actually admit to lying and the damage it does? Does anyone actually know how that feels? Am I an awful person, irrational? My triggers have been activated. We've talked about stuff, I've tried to explain that all this rubbish is down to his gambling. The mindset of someone controlled by addiction is all consuming. It clouds your judgement, affects every day life. He made out I'm a terrible person so he could lie and gamble. I'm not stupid and I've unknowingly been the scapegoat. But do you know what, no more. I'm going to deal with this in my way. 

Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 16:41

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Happy New Year Merry go round. Wishing you peace, joy and contentment.

I look forward to following your journey in 2018. Keep your spirits up and don't let things get you down. When you have done your best to remedy a situation than it is out of your hands and not worth worrying about.

Hope you have some good adventures and projects to spice up your year. Maybe your fabrics will be transformed into beautiful creations on your sewing machine. Take care you don't ***** your finger, if you nod off for 100 years we will be long gone when you return. Take care ...stephen. x 

Posted on:
Mon, 01/01/2018 - 17:22

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Stephen happy new year! Can't wait to get the tree down and put my sewing machine back! Lots of projects in mind.

Posted on:
Thu, 04/01/2018 - 07:26

volcano

Joined:
2010-07-05

 

Hello Mrs Contrary, how does your garden grow ?

I’m tentavely stepping into your place of ramblings to say ‘ hello ‘ and wish you well, also to say I’ve enjoyed reading your honesty and the way you write. 

Quite an appropriate username ‘ Mary go round ‘ for an F & F, cool lyrics. 

Anyway, keep focused and churning out stuff your creativity on that sewing machine 

Posted on:
Sat, 06/01/2018 - 08:40

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I wish I was a robot! I wouldn't have this emotional turmoil. 'Do androids dream of electric sheep?' A book made into 'blade runner '. I digress. Thanks Stephen for recommending a sewing machine, that made me laugh. There are 2 adverts on tv using 'impossible dream'. One is a seventies motorbike rider driving along a beautiful stretch of road, it makes me laugh and think of you. I've had a lot of emotional rubbish dumped on me over the last few weeks. The last thing was my cg getting a new contract which he thought would make him permanent saying 'until end of January'! I'm gutted for him, what a kick in the teeth. So my anxiety is rising, I can feel it. The fear. I've also got myself into a situation with the in laws! Let's hope it's a good outcome, I can feel it is a manipulated situation by my mother in law. I'm going to theatre with her, sister in law and aunt in law(?). Going with my daughter. It's an olive branch. I'm nervous. I'm also curious to see how they behave and see if 'everybody ' knows. I need to get rid of my overthinking. I need to get my confidence back. What's that phrase that uses 'conviction'? Anyway that's what I need!

Posted on:
Sat, 13/01/2018 - 12:35

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

'It's been emotional!' Omg where does it come from. Shame?

Posted on:
Sun, 28/01/2018 - 10:32

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Well I haven't posted for a while. I'll read diaries, read new members , f&f, unanswered posts. It's all a bit much sometimes, plus counselling. So I'm trying to preoccupy my mind. Back to my sewing and reading. Trying to get motivated. I see my lack of enthusiasm for everyday life as depression. So I'm dealing with it. I feel much better and trying not to worry. 

Posted on:
Tue, 30/01/2018 - 16:36

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Hi MGR

Thanks for passing by my diary and i completley get what you say.  I wish you the best in your recovery and take great understanding from your diary, as you say it as it is which is what i admire.  i do have a slight problem in that i have still got a credit card hidden from the missus which is about 700  , i know i should tell her about this but i think i will pay it off, i think i should tell her as she might be happy i was being honest.

Anyway all the best for your recovery.

Harry

Posted on:
Wed, 07/02/2018 - 09:47

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Thx Harry I wrote on your diary 100% honesty is the only way.   Good to see someone come back. Where do they go when a cg stops their diary? Sometimes I think it's just too much seeing the stories. Sometimes I can't believe what I read. Some just want to pick your brain, get a bit of advice and off they go. Into the abyss, I hope not. So I'm still at counselling, it's good, it's helping. Trying to get my motivation back. New books, new sewing. Occupying my mind to stop the negative thoughts, thoughts of the past and things I cannot change. I had a bad experience with a friend and decided to call it a day in our friendship. I feel a bit bad but I couldn't take it anymore. Too negative, becoming confrontational and irrational. Unhealthy and I have to look after me.

Posted on:
Wed, 07/02/2018 - 11:35

harry33

Joined:
2009-11-24

Hi MGR,

Good to see your doing well, I personally like your staright talking as it is often the truth and good to hear it from the other side.  Slowly things are getting better with my wife and i am learning to take it.

Good luck 

Posted on:
Sat, 10/02/2018 - 13:24

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I think I'm on repeat! Counselling is good, gamanon is good. Why are we so willing? Why? It is what it is. This is the way I am. I'm not perfect but I'm paving my way the best I can. Why would you not educate yourself. Learn about something you don't understand. If I burn myself I use oven gloves next time. I know a lie. I've still been fooled, conned, deceived. I try not to judge. I am powerless. But I'm not powerless over my behaviour. I have changed, am changing. Trying to have a conversation rather than an argument. Moving forward. 'The Art of Listening ' ' listen to the good. Tune your ears to love, hope and courage' 'listen to yourself, listen carefully and change those things about yourself that you do not like.' 'Listen and you will hear the better person within you.'

Posted on:
Mon, 19/02/2018 - 11:52

Took a wrong turn

Joined:
2012-02-22

Just read your last post, makes sense and thanks ever so much for popping by on my diary and for your words of support.

Wilsy

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 09:52

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Lately I've heard the expression 'didn't love enough'. From both sides of the camp. I really don't see the relevance. It doesn't matter how much I love my cg, I can't stop him. If he loved me enough why? If she/he loved enough she would move/stay. If we loved ourselves what if? Would I leave or stay. Self preservation is always ignored. I have no problem if you stay, leave, go back, run for the hills. It's what you do to survive. I don't like to see someone giving someone a verbal 'slap' for helping, supporting. Unfortunately some don't see help in whatever guise it presents itself.  Tough love that's the only thing that works. We've heard the excuses, the reason, the choice. Stand up and be counted. Try not to judge someone for looking after themselves because that's all we can do. 

Posted on:
Thu, 22/02/2018 - 10:25

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

As Frankie was fond of singing Love is a many splendored thing, it's the april rose that only grows in early spring.

Unconditional love is a wonderful characteristic which we all harbour. A sight to behold or a wondrous sound bring peace and joy to Merry Go Round.

I am off to dentist shortly. Hoping the tooth fairy sprinkles a bit of love on my gnashers.

Posted on:
Sun, 04/03/2018 - 12:16

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

What are we afraid of? I've been thinking about putting this in discussion section. I think both cgs and family members, partners are all afraid of something. Giving up. Giving up gambling, giving up on your marriage, giving up trying. Fear keeps us stuck. We don't change. Why should we? Why not? I think a lot of us are scared of trying something new. Afraid of what we'll do. It's comfortable sitting here blaming someone else. We know what's going to happen, same old cycle. No one wants to acknowledge how they feel. You don't want to hear how someone else feels. What will life be without the gambling? What will you do? You only do it because you're  bored? Surely the same old cycle is boring? I wanted my life to get better so I went and found out how to do it. I fell down many times, I'm bruised and battered. I'm not even the gambler but it chewed me up and spat me out just the same. Addiction wears many masks and it fools the addict as well as those around it. Why are we afraid as partners or others by speaking the truth? Why can't we say how we feel? Why can't we walk away? Even going to a gamanon meeting I could see the fear in my husband. Don't go. Fear of what I might hear, fear I'll learn how to deal with him, fear I'll stop him, fear I'll find out. It's all consuming. But really what is there to be afraid of?  It couldn't go on. So I did something, I made a choice instead of an excuse. I think about the cg who came on here and had a go at me for being honest. Where is he now? We don't like it when someone disagrees with us, doesn't say what we want to hear. Fear of the truth. Fear of people finding out. Fear of being judged. It's endless.

Posted on:
Sun, 18/03/2018 - 16:21

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Went to see 'dr jekyll and mr hyde' yesterday. Phil Daniels a far cry from Quadrophenia! Thinking about it now it's like a compulsive gambler. A person has two persona. An angry, out of control  'beast', without a conscience. 

Posted on:
Thu, 17/05/2018 - 18:24

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

It seems to be a while since I last updated this diary. Today is a good day, a year, a whole year. It has been up and down emotionally for me. I've felt quite depressed at times. I feel so much better now. I wouldn't be without my meeting, support is so valuable.  My cg is so much calmer, honest and willing to talk. At last he listens. Peace of mind is what we all want, a halt to the chaos. 

Posted on:
Fri, 18/05/2018 - 15:45

ITDamo

Joined:
2016-01-26

Great to hear that things are going well for you MGR.

It shows that it can be done with the correct things in place.

Damo

 

 

Posted on:
Sat, 19/05/2018 - 08:57

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thank you merry lady for posting on my diary. Your interesting observations and insight, into the addiction, offer great food for thought.

I enjoyed your recent post around the theme of fear. It made me question my own fears (real or imagined) and the futility of negative thoughts and emotions. I appreciate your support as I summon up the courage to stay on this recovery road.

It is indeed a perilous journey, beset by unimaginable horrors. Foul smelling gambling demons hurl abuse from the roadside, my ears fill with their tormenting screams whilst hordes of grinning betting shop workers lie in ambush, ready to drag me screaming onto their insidious machines. Gruesome financiers take turns vandalising my broken heart and trampling my lonesome soul.

On a brighter note I am feeling very jolly today. The sun is shining and life feels good. I returned to the GA room last night with my tail between my legs though I enjoyed the meeting immensely, the chairman is excellent and provides a good basis for frank and open discussion. Relevant points are raised and good advice offered.

Wishing you a lovely weekend ...stephen x 

Posted on:
Wed, 30/05/2018 - 08:46

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

Hi Stephen hope you're ok wherever you are.                             I wanted to write this because I keep hearing denial and conflicting messages, not from anyone in particular, not necessarily here, just life. I wanted to say what I did to change my life. Where I went. Firstly I went to hell. I went to what felt like a place where people couldn't hear me. There was blatant lying, foolish suggestions, coercion, you name it any kind of persuasion to get me onboard. This was in my home, my husband, his family. I stood alone, hated, like I was some kind of alien. A terrible wife who wouldn't sign that loan, that life away. I could see addiction almost like a person in my house. At that time I didn't know how to get rid of it, placate it, stop it laughing in my face. This continued for probably 2 years. Conflict, tears, ignoring, being ignored. Hell. Secrecy and lies that was my life. But we all find out in the end, addiction becomes desperate and needs an accomplice to continue. I made a deal with the devil, I know now I shouldn't have done but in some ways it saved us in others it didn't. Addiction wanted us to sell and move, the deal remortgage and The gp. The gp advised GA. Simple! It's not simple, it's not easy, it's not nice. It's shameful, it's upsetting, its brutal. Addiction sits next to you squirming, denial the other side. What about me, what about help for me, how was I going to learn how to cope? I found a meeting. I sat and listened and learnt, I read every book, ordered books online, bookstore, library (none there). I learnt everything I could, I've had 2 lots of counselling. I stopped going to meetings, I knew everything. The one thing I did know, I couldn't stop him. I had some control of finance, there was no credit score then. So I lived my life, but addiction had transformed into a mental health condition. He hid under the guise of depression. This jekyll and Hyde was a result of stress! I'm back at meetings because I found addiction under that cloak. There comes a point in your association with addiction when you surrender. It was impossible to live normally. Whoever reads this will agree or disagree. But if you've lived as I have with addiction for 20 years you just want the chaos to stop. I don't care how that happens, I don't care if it's a mile away or 25, I don't care if people don't understand. Don't underestimate the power of addiction. Don't think because I'm not an addict I don't understand. There's a poem that is about walking in my shoes. I've been given a few verbal slaps on here, but I'm not scared of them. I've stood my ground to my own detriment in my life, affecting relationships and friendships. People who don't understand, don't care. If I hadn't taken that hand of help, any help, I wouldn't be sat here. My life would still be chaotic and desperate and full of debt. There is a long road to go, my recovery is not over. My latest  counsellor told me I have a gambling problem by association. Great!!! I'm laughing! Have a great day, just for today!

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 11/06/2018 - 08:10

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I've got Jesse j going round in my head 'it's all about the money, money, money, we don't need your money' 'we can't put a price on life'. How true. I'm yet again frustrated by people and their inability to look in the mirror. I've learnt the only person I can control is me. It's up to me to do something about my situation. If you husband partner child is a cg you have to face it. Deal with it, not control it. Get help for yourself. Stop relying on the other person to sort it out. If they get help, who helps you? They're going to be ahead in recovery and you're going to be living with denial. We are all individuals giving up time trying to advise and no one is listening. Mocking people's recovery with words like 'cult'. Unbelievable. The hell I've been to, the things I've heard, heartbreak I've seen. It's insulting to those who are helping. Do you know what happens to those you've insulted? They give up on you. They are working their recovery. Have you noticed how many comment on new threads? But do you know what? I don't care whether people judge because I have been to that dark place many times and if what I do helps, who are they to judge. I would do anything for my life to get better. How bad does it have to be for you to get real help? I am addiction poem says 'so if you have met me (addiction) and you think you can beat me and all will be well. NEVER forget that I will always be there waiting in the dark shadows just around the corner'. 

Posted on:
Sat, 28/07/2018 - 10:48

Merry go round

Joined:
2017-06-08

I don't write on here much lately. I get exasperated. I find the 'it's them not me' mindset difficult to answer. I married a gambler. Why is that so abhorrent? Why are you so stupid? I'm not stupid. My husband isn't, well not all the time! Gambling is an acceptable pastime, as is going in the pub, so why is it so unusual for some to become addicts? Why is that socially unacceptable? Why is the addict the only one with a problem? I have a problem. I stayed with a compulsive gambler. But why is that a problem? It's all very confusing I know, but that is the problem. I am not married to a 'normal' person. I am willing to put up with bad behaviour, secrets, being manipulated. So I seek help. Why can't we/you/me see that? It's me, my problem. Therapy is very painful but a means to an end. The problem is where is the end? My thinking here is if you constantly expect an addict to sort their life out and you don't change your behaviour, where do you end up? In the same place. I've learnt so much. From my meeting, from here, from counselling. I can see the good and bad in all of those platforms. I think the really hard thing for everyone to admit in life is their faults. We all have them. But to recognise them and change then to benefit our lives is the hardest part. Am I perfect? Certainly not. I do try not to see the bad in people, but I get exasperated when they constantly say 'it's them not me'. Change you, change your life. Be productive not destructive. 

Posted on:
Wed, 19/09/2018 - 07:39

Stephen The Strong

Joined:
2017-05-10

The world keeps turning'

It gets merry like a merry go 'round

It gets cold like a frozen winter

Well I change like summer fall

But I know love is all in all

Seeds we're always sowing

The grace is always blowing

We've just got to lift the sail

And we're bound to hit the shore

We'll finally calm this storm

Trevor Hall

 

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