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Posted on:
Mon, 27/08/2018 - 01:19

He's trying


Just popping in real fast, before the pizza arrives. I survived! NO internet. NO cable tv. NO cell phone service! We roughed in (in my version anyway). Cabin was gorgeous! Hot tub was fabulous! Rafting down the river was....ahhh...I'll update you on that over morning coffee. He survived it, just barely tho! lol 

Ohp! Pizza's here. Gotta run! I'll post in the morning. And yep, I remembered my toothbrush! lol 

Posted on:
Mon, 27/08/2018 - 14:19

He's trying


You know, as much as I love going away, I do love coming home! It was nice to shower in my own shower and sleep in my own bed last night! I have a ton of things to get done today though, so no rest for the weary. I still haven't tackled that back wall of my house that's covered in spider webs. And the weeds are getting out of control fast. I need to do all of that, and try to get the lawn mowed today. Mowing is his job, but it's going to be 87 degrees outside and he has to return to work in that hot factory (like 106 degrees inside) so I'll try and see how I'm feeling after I finish all of my jobs to do the yard mowing too. 

Rafting...oh what a mess! He was clueless! He would not listen to me when I tried telling him that he was rowing all wrong, and then he would be so concerned with everyone else that he wasn't paying attention. So he found himself outside of the raft, pulling us off of rocks more times than he would probably like to admit. I wanted to badly to pop him in his head with my ore several times, but I didn't. So he did survive, but we will never do that again! Kayaks maybe, but no rafting or canoing with him! 

Other than that, it was a great time. It was nice to escape reality for a while. But here we are - back to reality. We were home about 4 hours and I heard him grumbling about his money situation. I was fuming mad! Why do you continue to grumble and struggle?! Oh that's right, because you make a $30 payment, and then charge $50 before your next payment YOU WILL NEVER GET AHEAD THAT WAY IDIOT!!  He is quickly failing and I told him that the only way he will ever get ahead is to surrender to treatment and surrender his finances. I think he almost stopped breathing when I said it, but I reminded him that he already knows this stuff. Just because I don't remind you of it 1000 times a day, like before, doesn't mean I don't know it too. 

Me? My finances are great. I just took a mini weekend away vacation and I'm still sitting pretty in my bank account. That's the benefit of saving and being responsible and frugal when you need to. Why doesn't he just accept the hard truth and surrender already?! What will it take?! Probably me suffering through no more long weekends away. Probably me going without too. That's so unfair. ugh....

How about you? What did you do to entertain yourself over the weekend? Any new free concerts lately, compliments of the neighbors? Did he find the perfect flat? I look forward to your reply. I've missed catching up with you. 

Have a great day far away friend! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Mon, 27/08/2018 - 18:25



Welcome back. :)

I know where you're coming from with that. There's nothing better than returning to your own home and the surroundings you're used to. It's getting colder here recently. This morning I thought about wearing a warmer jacket. I would have had to wake my partner up, as it's in the bedroom in the furthermost corner, so I didn't do it. I should have though, it was really cold. This doesn't seem to apply to where you live (I had to google a temperature calculator to know how warm it is at your place). Enjoy the summer, it seems to be over here, it's raining all day.
I'm lucky not to have a garden. Too much work. Just a balcony noone really needs.
You still don't have to work? Lucky you. :)

Lol. We were canoeing recently at someone's birthday (that guy who seems to have an au pair). The weather was ok. Spring and not really cold, but as it was early in May, shortly after the season had started, there were still trees fallen into the river from back in the winter. At one point we had to carry the canoes over land because a big fallen tree was blocking the way, and someone's ore fell into the water. I wanted to get it out (no need to do that really, we could have done it later when we were back in the boats, there was not much of a current). Well... someone shouted "Bad idea. Don't do that!", but I never listen, I did it anyways... and slipped. I managed to fall into the river at what seemed like the only spot where the water was shoulder-deep right at the shore... -.- It was freezing cold... I can tell you that much. :P I needed to swim to the other side to get out, the shore was to steep there and trying to pull me out fully clothed on that slippery ground would have caused even more 'casualities'. Well... my partner is not the only clumsy person, I can do that too. :)
At first I refused to, but then I even took the spare clothes people where donating to me to avoid an argument with my partner... lol.
Don't try this at home. Doing the rest of the trip in a hoodie from the local table football club and the swimming trunks of someone nearly twice my weight without any kind of belt available isn't my first choice of spare time activity... given the fact that we had to carry those canoes over another obstacle shortly after that. :P
At least someone was smart enough to take a towel with him. He didn't need it anymore... he couldn't swim without his swimming trunks anyways... :P
I was lucky, noone popped on my head with an ore, it was just too funny. My partner wanted to go home so that I don't get a cold... uh-huh... on foot? Wanna carry the boat? I'm fine... a bit stupid, but fine. :P
I am really bad at canoeing, it goes more zig-zag than in a straight line with me on board, but at least I didn't make the boat tip over and take others with me... that would have been a problem.
I'd do it again though, it was fun. :)
See... I can somehow feel for other people's inability to manouvre on water. :P

Mhhh... money isn't the main issue... not by far. It's mostly just where things finally come to light when we are no longer able to hide it. Sooner or later this might have happened to me too. Given my circumstances I wouldn't have been able to cover up for it for much longer. One more step and it would have either been me being homeless, and this time for good, or going to my parents with my tail between my legs and admitting it. Money is the one thing we worry most about, but at the end it really is the least important thing of all. Well... in the grand scheme of things, that is. Of course it plays a big role, debt and the inability to pay for things affect everyone, but if you have long lost your sense for it, for what it's actually meant to be, you get to a point where your own mental and even physical health is deeply affected.
I knew pretty well that paying my rent should be a top priority. I also knew that going without the means to even buy food for the rest of the month would cause me a lot of stress, to say the least. I knew that to avoid this to happen, all I had to do was to stay away. Easy, huh? A sane person would stop before this happens, probably wouldn't even do it in the first place.
For me it was different. I usually woke up the next morning realizing what I had done... yet again. I saw it coming, I knew it, I did it anyways. In that moment in time money doesn't matter, it's just what you need to keep going, to stay inside that bubble as long as you possibly can. For me winning was worse than losing, it prolonged it. On the one hand, that's of course what I wanted, on the other hand I just wanted it to end, to finally be able to go home...
Money was the 'substance' I needed to create those feelings, to get that fix, to escape the numbness. A way to forget about the very mess my ruthless behaviour was creating in the first place, a cycle of madness, and it was impossible to do that without money. It was just that, a means to an end, everything else was secondary. I didn't see it for what it really was.
Afterwards, yes, definately... what did I do? Tell me I didn't do it, please... let me wake up from this dream... but when in action - no way.
So yeh, surrender is the only way. I was powerless, I couldn't trust myself, it just didn't work. Time to realize this. I can't expect to ever see the light again when I go on digging an even deeper hole.
The truth stings, even though deep down you already know it. Addiction does a good job in blurring the clear vision on those facts...

What will it take? When is enough enough? Hard to tell. That's different for everyone. Some see it before it gets really bad. Let's just hope he's one of them.

Responsible and frugal? Yep. Some might say too much of both, but meh. My finances are okay aswell, I guess. By now you'd have to dig really deep to find any traces of that chaos back then. That wouldn't happen. I could live quite comfortably on what I have. My partner spends a lot on things noone actually needs and I will probably never understand that, but so what? As so many other things... I don't have to. :)

My weekend was really boring. Friday and Saturday we did **** all (and I stayed at home the whole time, no trips to the store :)). Yesterday we visited his parents. My s-i-l was there too, so I learned a lot of veeery important things. My partner shouldn't have mentioned his recent enthusiasm with avoiding plastic though, because it triggered a truckload of lectures from her side. I don't mind being told what I'm doing wrong, and I'm definately not the smartest cookie, but listening to a patronizing speech about the polluted oceans and the resulting downfall of society that contains more half-truths and cringe-inducing misinformation (did I mention that she's studying this kind of stuff?...) than anything else, especially by someone who only 10 minutes ago complained about the prices of meat and how she bought a plastic figure for her balcony because it 'looked funny', while smoking and eating cookies out of a throw-away aluminium box somehow offends even my limited intellect...
I just smiled and read a newspaper that laid on the table. It was a bit too much to take.
I mean... really... is it only me...?
How can anyone take that seriously?

He didn't find a new flat. Seems like this task has been taken over by his plastic avoidance obsession. Still not sure what's better though.

Enjoyed your pizza? Only cereals for me today... straight out of a plastic bag... -.-

I have to go and return a package. My partner and online shopping don't match. Why would anyone buy clothes online???
Silly thing really... you have to wait for it and then it doesn't even fit...

Sounds like you had a lot of fun. That's nice to hear. Be glad you didn't have to go rafting with me. That would have been even worse. Nice to have you back. :)

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2018 - 16:09

He's trying


Oh no! You're a river zig-zagger too?!!! Those are the worst! lol But unlike your s.i.l. I will not begin to act like I have a clue as to how to teach you differently. I'm no pro. I just know that zigzag is not the proper direction! lol See, the ones who make a mess of the trip have the most fun. He can't wait to go again! I would just as soon shoot myself in the foot than raft down a river with him again!! lol 

I'm so proud of you. Home for 2 whole days with no escaping! Wow! That's impressive. If it's getting chilly, that makes for an uncomfortable book reading session on a park bench huh?! You poor thing. What in the world do you do in the winter?!! That has to be horrible for you to have all of the benches covered in snow for months and it being so cold your nose could freeze and fall off if you stay in it too long. (I'm googling what your weather is like there) Oh, it looks like it's a bit chillier there than here right now, but your weather looks to be almost the same as ours. Except you guys use that funny c with yours instead of the f. lol I had to ask google to translate too. haha! Our winters are rather mild. I mean we have weeks of really nasty stuff, where your nose just might freeze and fall off or you may find yourself hip deep in snow, but for the most part it melts away and it's just uncomfortable and dark....That's the worst part. The lack of sunshine sucks!!! In fact, our area is so cloudy and lacks sunshine so much that it is not uncommon for us to be vitamin D deficient (I am now taking supplements for it as a matter of fact). For me, it was actually a bit chilly for the river. It was high of 82 degrees (27.777777c for you, according to google) lol all weekend, but it was cloudy and the warm part of the day was only about 2 hours long. For the most part it was cloudy and about 76 (24.444444c) lol which is pretty cold when you're getting wet. Oh and for about a half an hour of our trip down the river - it POURED rain. Not long enough to mess up the rafting, just long enough to completely drench us and leave us looking like a couple of wet rats, arguing and bickering down the river in a zigzag pattern. lol

I've learned that we (America) is far behind the trend of the world in trying to cut plastic out of our lives. Sorry for that. I told you we're lazy and entitled. I am learning now though.Well...I'm learning more about how much stuff I have that is plastic and how I don't know how I'd survive without it!!! But I have been more aware of each time I throw something plastic away. There's a lot! I'm not sure how to fix the problem. I guess it would first start with the producers of the products we use. They would need to start transitioning to glass or other parishable products so that we would purchase our items in that container instead. But then, we'd have to choose between a glass container and plastic and be willing to pay the extra for glass. Which is where the whole problem is. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. 

You know, he's actually said that to me about the losing part of his cg. He told me that most of the time he's excited when he finally loses it all. It's like his permission to let go and focus on living again. That's so sad to me Blue! I can't imagine being excited for the worst to happen to save me from myself. I can't imagine being in that place in my mind. Unfortunately, I don't see him even considering surrender. I think he's going to be one who loses it all and I'm not even sure that he will stop then.  I was so hurt yesterday (by my own doing of course). His check goes directly into his bank account. It was deposited while we were on our trip. When we got home, I was still in a haze from the weekend and having him all to myself. But reality SMACKED me right in the face. I was outside fighting the good fight against the spiders and webs....(oh what a site that was) and he walked out all cleaned up and dressed. He said, I'll be back. I asked where he was going. He then told me he was going up to the gas station to play his numbers with the $13 he had left from payday. I was devistated. But quickly realized that the fantasy weekend was over and here we are back to reality. Back to him chasing the dragon. Back to him not having any money for trips and extras, but spending his last dollar on his addiction. ugh..... Oh, and lets not forget that immediately upon sitting down in our house on Sunday evening, he began stressing about how little money he was going to have coming in and how large his bills were in the coming month. But, he went to the **** store and spent his last dime on lottery the very next morning?!!!! AAAAGGHHH!! The insanity of it all. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I so afraid to force a change or walk away?

Haha! I love online shopping! My s.i.l. has an Amazon Prime account and shares it with the family. I jump on there and order what I want, it's here in a couple of days and if I don't like it, I ship it back FREE! I love it! Of course, for someone like you that would not be ideal. But for me, the planner - it works great. I always have things planned out weeks, if not months, in advance so I have plenty of time to order and return. lol It's great in my world. Especially since I HATE shopping. When you wear plus sized clothes, it's difficult to shop in the stores. And many of them say "we have the plus sized clothes available online" anyway. So, I skip the embarrassement and the frustration of searching for my size and do it on Amazon. My favorite shopping place! I will admit, I do buy some of the most outrageous stuff too though. It's so easy to click a button and it'll be here soon. So I see something that looks cool and CLICK, its on it's way. lol The Air Fryer I bought is probably the best purchase I've made though. You should try one if you don't own one. It makes fried foods without oil or grease! It's amazing! Crispy fried potatoes with no oil! Listen to me, I sound like a commercial. lol

Well, I guess I'll go crush my candies now. I really don't know what to do with myself today. I scrubbed the siding on the house, bug-sprayed away all of the spiders, and mowed the grass yesterday. I could probably do some dusting and things around the house today....but that doesn't sound like much fun at all. hmmm.....what to do.....

Have a great day Blue! The sun is out here. I hope it's shining on you too!

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Wed, 29/08/2018 - 02:25



I have been at my in-laws all day, something to do with some letter they wanted to write. "Could you go there after work and help? I'll come by later." Pressing matters really... well, not really... but I don't mind.

That C isn't funny, it's the only thing that makes sense. :P
I don't mind the cold weather. If it's raining or snowing, I just sit inside somewhere, like a small shopping mall or station. A bit more of a walk, but still relatively close. I'll try not to do that anymore though. :)
My partner of course also said he wouldn't go on a boat trip with me again, but when it comes to this, his memory gladly seems to be short-termed. My steering skills are a bit insufficient for his liking and he was also complaining about my inabilty to hold the balance. You guys should really relax a bit, what could possibly go wrong? :P
It wasn't really cold that day either, definately a t-shirt and shorts day, but the warm part of the day wasn't too long yet, same as for you, and yes, the water was quite chilly. Our winters are the same, cold and darker, but when it snows it mostly doesn't last very long.

The plastic thing really is an issue, and not solely an american one. No way to go without it anywhere, it's just impossible. I guess he also sees that now. You couldn't buy anything, especially food, without it, even if you wanted to. Glass has also the disadvantage of being much heavier. I would even consider paying more, but I'm absolutely certain that she wouldn't. Her being 'poor' is her excuse for anything and on those really rare occassions when someone actually makes the futile attempt to point her towards her own inconsequence - something you should consider very well... - she will get personal, confrontational and angry the moment you do, because unlike everyone else in the whole wide world, she has absolutely no other choice. Cruel world indeed.
You only do that once. The next time you just ignore her.

Yeh, it's sad somehow, but self-inflicted. I've lost far more than I could afford to lose... on a regular basis. It never stopped me for long though. Addiction told me it's the only option left. Surely nothing anyone would ever do if they had a choice. What's so appealing then? What makes people do this to themselves over and over again? Whatever it may be, it definately is an emotional thing, and same as with drugs, money is just a way to 'buy' it. I haver never really gotten my head around this, for a long time I haven't even tried, it was just too shameful to even think about it. I was just plodding along, glad to somehow having it left behind as far as I could, thinking about that time only as a chapter of bad decisions I'd rather forget about. It definately still plays a part in my every day life and my behaviour, something that will probably never change, but in hindsight... it dominated my life for a considerable period of time and of course it had a lasting impact on who I am today. I see that now, and I accept it.
I have to laugh right now, in quite a bitter way, imagining how I would try to explain the inexplainable to someone in person. I just couldn't. It's madness. It doesn't make sense. It got me to my knees, and yet I know that the chance of me repeating the cycle again someday is ever present, always will be. As weird as it sounds, actually having experienced it before is a big disadvantage when it comes to staying away.
I can make a conscious decision. Best to leave it there. It's not an option. It can't be ever again.
I can't have the best of both worlds, but I can chose the better one of them.

See... don't worry about him, about the why, you just can't help him if he doesn't want to stop. I know I did that too, and I now know what drove me to do so. Trying to solve a financial shortage by gambling the little I had left or somehow got my hands on rarely ever worked, and even if it did for once, I wouldn't stop there anyways. A distorted way of thinking.
Best to keep away. You can tell him 100 times how stupid it actually is, he won't listen anyways... I for sure wouldn't have.

Forcing a change won't work. You can shorten his 'supply' of money as best as possible by not helping him financially in any way, but since he has his own income and doesn't agree to have you monitor it, it could well take a while until things get unbearable.

Move back to yourself. Everything else is beyond your control. It's not easy to just look the other way, but think about what's best for you. :)

Hehe. No, it's not ideal. Waiting for days and then not even keeping it... nah!
I guess it's okay with items of which you know that you need/want them, but with clothes you never know. I see your point though. My sister's friend always buys shoes online, because shoes for women are hard to get in shops in her size.
Air Fryer? Lol. Sounds like a good invention. I only know those greasy stinky things, my former flat mate had one of those. She 'cooked' everything in there, just opened the lid and threw it in. I usually just put it out on the balcony when I came home from work. Cleaning it was not her fovourite pastime.

No sun, but it also wasn't raining, so it's ok. Better crash those candies, too much housework can't be healthy, I always avoid that. :)

Time to sleep here, I guess. We will have some veeery important guests today. Uh-huh.. this required some proper planning. Noone would notice if I fall asleep on my desk though. Well, my collegue might, but that would take a while. She's used to not getting much of a reply.

Ugh... I'm tired...

Good night. :)

Posted on:
Wed, 29/08/2018 - 14:42

He's trying


OH NO!!!! I just typed for a half an hour and hit a button and it all disapeared!!!! I don't have time to retype it all, so this will probably be short. But it's actually page #4 of my novel!!! lol 

The air fryer did a great job, but it was a lot of waiting. I'm still learning it, so I couldn't just set it and forget it. I'll get there though! lol I made a homemade thai chili sauce to go on chicken wings. I'm sure you'd pass on that! lol But it was really good! I made french fries (do you call them chips) with them and they were amazing! Super crispy and not grease sogged! I ate really late though. I went to visit my nephews out of town yesterday. They start kindergarten and 2nd grade today so it's a pretty big deal! I always loved the 1st day of school! New clothes, new shoes, new teacher, new friends to be made. I'm looking forward to the call this afternoon to fill me in on how it went. :)

I'm really trying to separate. It's so hard Blue. It's like being in a pool and trying to swim laps, but being chained to the side. No matter how hard I swim, I can't move forward. (actually it's much like our rafting trip, but I digress) I want to grow and move forward and do more and have more and gain. But he keeps me chained to "getting through today is enough". I'm not happy with the neighborhood I live in. I think it's time to sell this house and go buy another one. But I can't really afford to do it all on my own. I need someone I can depend on. I need someone who is striving to do better in life. I need someone I don't have to constantly pick up from falling. I want to lean on someone else. He is NOT that guy. He is loving, kind, affectionate, helpful, and very mild-mannered. Those are things I love about him. But none of those things will advance us into the future or help us to improve our situation. Do I keep improving my situation and keep dragging him along with me, to reap the benefits of my hard work, while he continues to destroy his own future? I can't do that forever. I don't know how long I can keep up at this pace. I don't want to lose him, but the resentment continues to grow and grow everyday. 

I pray you never find yourself in that position again. I know if he is willing to lose all that he has for his addiction, it must have been a pretty bad place to be in when you finally decided enough was enough. As much as you say you want to bury it and forget about it, I'm so thankful that you decided to share it with me and help me through this. I believe your desire to help me will feed your determination to stay the course. I think you're going to be a forever success story! Your process may not be the traditional path to recovery, but it's working. And something about you tells me there's really nothing ordinary or traditional about you :p That's what makes you the beautiful person that you are though. Your spirit is so pleasant. You make me think happy thoughts, even when you're fussing about the bad parts of your day. lol You have a light about you and the way you think. It's so fun! Never change that! Just keep chugging along. You're doing great! Like the Little Engine That Could (children's book) "I think I can, I think I can"! up the hill :)

I suppose I could go crush some candy. Then maybe I'll go get those clothes out of the dryer that have been in there for 2 days. Maybe I'll start the dryer again 1st and pray the wrinkles bake out of them. lol Or maybe I'll leave them another day. I'm on vacation - I won't be controlled by this *** housework! 

I hope you got some good rest. I also hope you impressed the VIPs! I'm sure you did! 

Be blessed! 

EDIT  - I had to come back and add WOW! I STILL TYPED A BOOK! I realized it after I hit the save button and it posted. HAHA!

Posted on:
Wed, 29/08/2018 - 17:34



I know the pain with having to retype a post. A notepad app ist the way forward with this forum, I also learned that the hard way. But it doesn't matter really, we both seem to be able to produce loads of text out of the blue. :P

Isn't the greasy sogged part what makes them what they are in the first place? Otherwise I could aswell just eat a potato. :P
I would skip the chicken wings and eat the fries (yeh, 'chips' in the UK, we, for some reason unkown to me, call them 'Pommes Frites', which indeed is french, lol) with the sauce, not much of a problem really. An unhealthy diet doesn't necessarily have to contain meat. P
I always hated new surroundings (unsociable withdrawn me, even as a child), but it's amazing to see kids being excited about this new chapter of life. Miracles of the world, keep them coming! I like this kind of attitude in kids.

Just getting through the day sometimes also is enough for me, but that's okay, because if I do, at the end of that day I will know that tomorrow will indeed have the potential to get better. I know what you mean though. In his situation there isn't much of a future to look forward to. It's pretty grim actually. By taking away his own opportunities he's also taking yours away. In his current state he will always drag you down and stop your progress. No need to help him back on his feet, in fact on the long run it would be better for him if you wouldn't... Oh dear... that must all be very disencouraging.
Buying a house together isn't something I would do if I were you. I'd be very cautious about that. Even if he stopped today this would be something I wouldn't consider for quite a while.

That's the good thing about a rented flat. You can always move elsewhere without much of an effort. No commitment. I like that.

Oh, believe me, I pray that too. Well, not really, I'm not religious at all, but yeh... that would be a setback from which it would be very hard to recover. You and this place in general made me look at my past as something that will always be a part of me. Everything I did I did for a reason. The story to be told is ugly, shameful and unpleasant, but it's still there, no matter how strongly I wish it away.
It had to work, it was the only way out, I didn't know it any better, but to become a 'forever success story' I'd have to become a 'success story' first. That's what I have to work on. :)

Today I read an article about problem gambling on the website of a newspaper. I actually just wanted to see what's going on in the world. It was really far down the page and a bit matter-of-factly about legal stuff and such, but it still surprised me that it was there in the first place. It even contained a brief citation of someone who recently went to rehab "The most important step is to admit defeat." The rest was about two people who are having a legal dispute with a chain of dens about their lack of care when it comes to self-exclusion. Quite general and non-informative article, but still... what confused me a bit though was the fact that there was an advert for a betting site at the end of that article (I read it on my work PC). Is that what's called 'product placement' these days, I wonder?

Your dryer... right now I'm having a similar problem with my dishwasher. I switched it on before I got to work this morning. Although it wasn't really full yet, it still was overdue. That light is blinking reproachfully since I got home. No, I'm not lazy! I've even considered to restart the program to keep it busy until he returns. :P
Wouldn't help though, he'd just ignore it.

I didn't impress anyone, we were hiding at our office. The receptionist bought a cake in a bakery on her way, maybe her excuse to stay in with us. That wouldn't have been necessary though, we are actually quite welcoming people in there, no need for an entrance fee. That didn't stop us from eating it anyways, of course. :)
My dietary sin for today. Oh well...

Damn it... I'm not on vacation, so time to sort the problem with that blinking light.

Enjoy your day off. Noone needs housework. :)

Posted on:
Thu, 30/08/2018 - 14:25

He's trying


Curse those blinking lights!! Much like my trash can. How can he walk past it, or better yet - add trash to it if he has to perfectly balance it on the top of the pile that is about to come crashing down over the side of the can, because it's so full that it won't fit one more piece of rubbish?!!! He does though....never fails! I have to pull the trash out of the can and literally sit it by the back door, so that he realizes that he needs to take the trash out! lol 

It was really full yesterday too. I decided to try a recipe for my favorite pie, since I was home all day. So I baked 4 Pecan Cheesecake Pies :) It was delicious!!! But it was also 87f (30.556c) outside, so my air conditioning struggled to keep the house cool. I block my kitchen from the rest of the house with a sheer curtain in the summer to help keep the kitchen cooking heat out of the rest of the house. So, while standing in there making those pies and dinner (roast pork chops, homemade macaroni and cheese, and steamed brussel sprouts YUM) I looked like I had been running a marathon in the desert! My hair was soaked, face was beet red, and I was hot! But it was all worth it! I did enjoy the pie, and I'll freeze a couple of them for a later time, but I'm not sure that's exactly what I wanted. May have to find another recipe to try while I'm off. 

I was searching for a good book to read, but couldn't really find anything that sparked my attention. Any suggestions? I could probably occupy my time with much needed housework, but that just sounds ridiculous! Who goes on vacation and works everyday?! Somehow I've managed to find something way too productive to do every single day that I've been off. I'm not very good at the whole just do nothing thing. I may skip the cooking and cleaning today and go visit my uncle. He's dying of lung cancer, like his little sister (my mom). It's always so painful to see him like that. It takes me back to when my mom was dying. I can't imagine what they must be thinking and feeling. I can't imagine a doctor telling me that my life is coming to an end. How do you make that make sense in your brain. How do you find any way of enjoying your remaining days when you know death is coming. It's all too much for me to process. Makes me very sad. But, I do love him very much. He was my mom's favorite brother, so he's special to me. I need to be there for him and make memories while we can. So maybe that's what I'll do. I think I'll skip cooking and cleaning for my uncle. Yep. That's a plan. <3

The fiance is working over all week, so I haven't had much time with him since we got back from our mini vacation. I've been entertaining myself most of the time. I know, you're thinking "Oh, how perfect". lol I, on the other hand, hate it. I wish he were home so that we could go places and hang out. I don't like to go to public places alone. I think I told you that about my dining out. Well, it's pretty much anywhere. Except clothes shopping. Well...I don't want him there while I search and search for the clothes, but then I want him to magically appear when I come out of the dressing room for an opinion of how the clothes look on me. lol Then I need him to disappear again! :p Hmmm....I could do that too....I haven't bought myself anything in a while. Maybe I'll go buy myself some clothes or shoes :) But first I will go visit uncle! 

So here's a funny one! He called me yesterday on break from work. He must do his deep thinking while he's working and left to his thoughts in the loud factory with his headphones on. He said I have a plan! (duh, another one?!) I will not allow myself to gamble unless I have $500 in my savings account. I simply replied $500 isn't enough to do anything with. That won't pay for a vacation, that won't buy you new clothes, that won't cover the holiday spending, that won't cover another layoff from work. You need way more than that in the savings. And that also tells me that once you've saved $500, you'll gamble it all away and come up with a new plan. You know your only option is to surrender to stopping entirely. He replied "AWW DANG! I just knew you'd be so proud of me"! I'm neither proud, nor disapointed. I know where you're headed. I won't feed into your "plans" anymore. I'll simply wait for it all to fall apart and you to realize you have to STOP. Until then, your plans don't excite me, good or bad. End of conversation. 

You are 100% right. I will not buy a house with him. If I sell mine and buy another, it will be in MY name and something that I can afford on my own if I had to. I've searched high and low though, and for my price, there really isn't anyting better than what I'm living in. If it doesn't take me out of my current situation and improve it, then I won't pay a penny more for it. Maybe I'm expecting way too much for what I'm willing to pay. Or maybe I need to just relax and wait for that perfect deal to come across my path. Maybe I need to learn how to be content. That's probably more of what the problem is....the content part. 

I don't know how you fixed the blinking light problem, but around my house if I stomp a few times and shout out a couple of cuss words from the kitchen, things start getting done! Maybe that's the magic spell. It goes (stomp, stomp) "Son Of A B****!, Why in the **** hasn't the dishwasher been unloaded?! Am I supposed to shop, put everything away, drag it back out to prepare it, clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher, and UNLOAD THE **** THING TOO"?!     And ****!! like magic, things start getting done! Maybe try that spell. lol

Well, coffee cup is empty. Time to go crush candy. It's much cooler today outside. I think I'll open the windows and enjoy the breeze :) 

Be blessed! 


Posted on:
Thu, 30/08/2018 - 18:45



Lol. He'd still walk past it and ignore it. If I tell him to take it out, he'd say "I'll do that tomorrow." and I'd finally get too annoyed and do it myself.
My trash also could do with being taken out right now, so I just tried your spell. Didn't work though, he won't be home before 8 pm and my house kobolds seem to have taken a day off... I hate this lack of discipline, we'll have a word about that later... or maybe they were just taken aback by that choice of words. :)

Today I had about an hour of work left and not much going on and my colleague had alredy left, so I read a bit. I occassionally do that when I'm alone, but mostly just a bit here and there whilst doing other stuff, so that it looks like I'd be reading a text message or something. This time I was really caught up though. Our receptionist came in and stood behind me "What are you reading?" Seemed like she tried to tell me something and I didn't reply. Erm... you really don't want to know that, lol.
Note to self: There's a reason why you shouldn't do this. :)

I usually always keep my phone in my bag (or completely forget it at home) if I'm not alone and rarely get it out. It's always switched to silent anyways, I don't even know what ringtone it actually has. This way it won't ring at work or in a supermarket queue. My partner is a bit annoyed by this, but I can always call back later if need be (I rarely ever do). I don't want to sit in a crowded bus having to yell so that the caller understands me. That's a no-no. If it's important, write me a text and I might even reply... some time later. Calling me is a lost cause. :)

Phone boxes and landlines... those were the days... even those early bricks were still ok, you could always switch them off and blame it on 'poor reception', something I've done throughout my entire youth, but these days people are available 24/7. The benefits of progress... not really.

How did I end up ranting about mobile phones, I wonder? Lol... I'm getting old. :P

House prices are through the roof these days. Last year the parents of a friend sold their row house (I had to google that one :P) in an outskirt area (not the best part of the city when it comes to infrastructure) for a sum I couldn't save up in my remaining lifetime - and I'm not a big spender. It was built in the 60's, the roof needed a redo and the cellar was wet, not a good overall condition. The buyers will have to spend another higher five figure sum on renovations on top of that, and yet they were happy with this 'bargain'. That's just insane!

Hehe, yeh, I'd enjoy the time. He told me yesterday that he'd be at a festival on Saturday, if I'd like to go with them. No, thanks, I'm fine. :)
Nothing good on the book front recently. Out of desperation I even read Game of Thrones, that guy is a really bad author. A sh*tload of storylines, most of them utterly boring and endless, that suddenly end somewhere and won't be told any further for a few hundred pages. When you finally get there again you have already forgotten who those characters actually were in the first place... There were parts that I skipped completely until the next chapter 'No, not this again'. No wonder he lost track himself somewhere along the way and could never be arsed to actually finish it.

Before that I read a book about some guys who discovered an alien spider race on a freezing cold planet that had some military structure society, slept for years in winter and planned a conspiracy against the upper class. Quite disturbing. My partner liked it though...

You see, I could also do with a good recommendation. Got one? :)

For me clothes shopping is a fast endeavour (how do you even spell that?). Get in, try it on, leave. I do it alone, I want to be done with this as soon as possible. As long as they fit and I look slightly ok, I'm fine.
That's me. Trainers (I can't walk on heels, it just looks stupid, like treating on raw eggs with feet full of blisters), comfortable clothes and hair that always looks like I got straight out of bed. Could definately be worse though, it qualifies as socially acceptable and I feel okay in my own skin like that.
But if you like clothes shopping you should definately do it after your visit. Have a nice treat on your vacation. :)

Absolutely right, it's not about the amount to be saved up. Even if he would be planning to save 20k, he'd still be destined to fail. It's the thought process that's wrong there, it's crooked. What happens the moment he has reached that goal? Well done. You're good. You can do it, you've proven to be able to control yourself. Time to pat yorself on the back. What now? For sure a reward is due here. What might that be...
It will result in those $500 (or any other sum) being gone... and more.
I've fooled myself like that countless times... not that I ever made it to 500... I was quite pleased when I managed to keep a tenner in my pocket for more than a day... -.-
Well done... mhh... I could make it more and treat me to something. I didn't want anything really, but that's wasn't the point anyways.
Rinse, repeat.
Leave a back door open and you will use it, that's why you left it there in the first place, addiction saw to that while it whispered that great idea into your ear... it probably even sounded absolutely reasonable to him when he came up with it.

So yeh... Who is he trying to fool? Most of all himself actually. Desperately trying to sell you (and himself) a fairy tale that will hopefully put you (and his own bad conscience) at ease for now and still allow him to go on later, to buy some time until the next argument will be due. He's an addict, just like me. There can't be a next time, ever. Everything else is just a temporary speed limit on your road to self-destruction.

Be glad with what you have, here and now, make the best of it and accept what you can't change. What else can you do? That's not even meant in a negative way, it's just the basic peace of mind that's needed as a fundament to build everything else on, it's my personal understanding of being content. Doesn't work at every given moment in time, but it's something to aim for. I try to get there, every day. Whatever else might come my way, be it good or bad, will be easier to take care of.

Huh... I'm getting philosophical. Did that even make sense? Lol.

Enjoy the weather as long as it lasts. I hope by now you got some shiny new shoes. :)

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2018 - 16:13

He's trying


Haha! Shopping trip never happened. I hate shopping. I have to syke myself up and then GO while I've got the motivation to do so. Needless to say, giving myself hours between deciding and going was a bad plan. I'll just order something for myself online... ;) lol I have a pretty boring wardrobe. I prefer jeans (stretchy of course), joggers or stretchy shorts, tshirts, or tshirt material tops and tennis shoes. Nothing fancy here. I changed the dress code when I took over at my agency. The old Director used to wear 3 pc suits! She was far too flashy! She was definitely good at looking the part - just not at doing the job! That was my job. And when you do the job - there's no time for 3 pc suits! lol We are a humble agency and our members don't need an intimidating, stuffy person behind a desk to greet them. They need someone approachable and down to Earth. So 1st change - NO MORE DRESSING UP! Casual, everyday clothes welcome! I'm a great boss! lol Even though, its just me bossing me most of the time. Well, except that 10 hours a week that I have the assistant there.   

lol I find it hillarious that we are on separate ends of the planet and still deal with the same issues with these ridiculous males in our lives. lol They really are a strange breed aren't they?! If only they would realize that we are the superior thinkers, and accept that our answers are always the right ones, we would do so much better in this world! You'd think they'd get tired of saying "I'm sorry, you were right afterall" over and over and over again! lol So sorry my spell didn't work. It probably p***ed your kobolds off and that's why they didn't help. Oops...

I had to google your house kobolds. That was a very cool read! I hope you are nice to yours, because from what I learned this morning, it could make your life even more difficult. See, I didn't need a book - I just read wikipedia about kobolds. Ship kobolds, mine kobolds, and house kobolds. Pretty cool little things :) 

My home is a single family house. It's actually pretty cheap on the market here. I only paid $25k for it. Our median market is probably around $85k-100k. I bought this one when I was divorced. My ex left me for a heroin addicted stripper and became a ****** too. So he not only bailed and left me holding the bag with a $100k house, 2 vehicle payments, all of the bills, and 2 sons, but he wiped my credit out in the process. So I was on the verge of homelessness and couldn't find a house to rent for me and my kids that I would even consider living in for under $800 a month. Buying was my only option to find affordable housing. My brother and his wife used their names and credit, along with my money and bought my house for me. I then filed bankruptcy, and started building my credit back up, all while paying the mortgage and any expenses attached to the house and an additional $100 to them for their kindness and for the end of year taxes as well. After 3 years, I had finally recovered enough for them to transfer my deed into my name and became a homeowner again :) But I'm at a point where I think I'm ready to move on from here to something a little better. Or maybe not. Maybe I need to stop trying to change my environment and just work on making it better here. Maybe I should just look into expanding the house or yard to accomodate what I want. Maybe??? The problem there is, if I invest money into major renovations here, I won't make it back in a sale because the property values in my neighborhood are low. So if I did it, it would be only for me to enjoy, not an investment to make more out of the eventual sale of the house. It would probably end up being a loss in the sale. So, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Typing that story out to you reminded me of how hard I worked for this little house and how much of a blessing it once was to me <3 I needed that reminder. If the right opportunity comes along for a move, I'll take it. In the meantime, I'm going to be content. 

I recommend that Maya Angelou biographies collection. But I also read the entire Harry Potter Series (J.K. Rowlings), The Shades of Grey Series (E.L. James), and the entire Flowers in the Attic Series (V.C. Andrews) and loved them all. Wow! My memory is so bad, I know I've read MANY more and can't think of a single other title right now. Those are clearly my stand-outs. I'll pass on the alian spider stories!!! That would wreck my ability to lead a normal life afterward. No thank you! No scary or mind ****ing books/movies for me! lol

You did great with being philosophical! lol More wise words have never been spoken (or typed) lol I appreciate your feedback. You reinforce to me what I already know to be true. It's nice to hear it from someone who's been there though. Then I know I'm on the right track. Thanks! 

Well, the male has awakened. Guess I'll go entertain him for a bit before he leaves for work. But 1st - I must crush my candies! 

Happy Friday!!! I hope you have a fun-filled, perfect weekend! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2018 - 23:29



I'm a bit late today. My partner is out at that festival (he decided to go today and not tomorrow when his sister will come by... oh joy!), so I have plenty of time and decided to be reasonable and do the housework first before I read a bit. Unfortunately I got distracted by another post before I got back here. Anyways, my sofa is quite comfy. :)

I'm just eating some pasta out of the freezer, btw. This isn't really satisfying, to be honest. I've given up trying to identify those greenish things inside it and just decided they must be digestible. After all, the manufacturer wouldn't really benefit from poisoning me...
Mhhh... I haven't written my last will by now... so just to make sure... could you call an ambulance in case I don't reply tomorrow? :P

We officially do have a dress code. I don't really care though, and neither does my colleague. People have long given up reminding me of it. I usually said "It's all in the laundry." On those rare occassions when we really have to look a bit at our appearance is when the receptionist isn't in and we have guests. In that case one of us has to sit the frontdesk at their time of arrival. Doesn't happen very often and it's mostly my colleague who ends up there... I tend to 'forget' about this. :)

Hehe. I mostly try to avoid bossing myself. It's no fun because I never listen and get a bit stubborn. Too much of an effort for my liking, so I try to convince myself in a reasonable way most of the time. :)
We are also pretty much on our own. Once per week (dreaded Thursdays) there is a 'team meeting' at 10. Pointless waste of time where people will have endless monologues about stuff noone will ever mention again. Some just like the sound of their own voices...

My strange male is out, but he will most likely be drunk on his return. That's a negative... our table still hasn't been fixed (my bad, I was just too lazy), so I hope it will survive the night. Yeh, they never know what's good for them, and if you tell them, they won't believe it anyways, they just know it all... The last thing he'd ever say would be "I'm sorry, you were right" though. No way. He'd either wind his way out of it and try to convince me he said that very same thing in the first place, or stick to his theory and go on telling me he's right.

I also read about kobolds somewhere. Come to think of it... I'd like to have one. That'd be cool indeed. :)

They sold their house for 280.000€. Plus another estimated 40-50k for renovations (mainly the roof, cellar and electric wiring, in the living room the light and two of the sockets didn't work anymore). In a quite unpopular area, but within the city borders. It wasn't really spacious, quite small rooms and the interior and the kitchen and bathroom also were still from back in the 60's. I liked that old school design though. When I lived on my own my bathroom was also old and dark blue. Not that I cared much about it back then, I just wanted to have a roof over my head and a safe place to go to, and I even actually paid the rent, but thinking of it now... the tiles were absolutely priceless. :)

You indeed are a very strong person. Live throws **** at anyone and a lot of people deal with financial hardship, sometimes it's not even their fault, but for me it was self-inflicted and yet I drowned in self-pity and resignation. I detested myself. Reading about what you've been through is very humbling. Thank you for sharing, I really mean it. That must have been tough. :(

I think the same, I will only ever move again if we both want it. "For the last time in our lives" I use to say. We moved in here a few years ago. The flat is ok, but he never really liked the area. Back then he told me he did though, because he thought I wanted it. This is something I will never understand. Why doesn't he just say or do what he wants himself but always does what he THINKS that I want? Why doesn't he believe me when I say that I really don't want to do this or that? Why wouldn't I say what I actually want? He's always been like that and it sometimes really drives me mad.
"I thought you'd want to move there..."
"No. I always said that I don't."
"But you lived there for a while before."
"Yes. I still didn't want to, and I told you so."

I never read Shades of Grey... I always found that odd and never really got that hype. Harry Potter was boring. I fell asleep when I watched the film. I don't really like fantasy, the stories tend to get ridiculous and unplausible. I've read a few good ones though, if the author puts some effort in it, so no generalization here. I've never heard of the last one, I might give that a try. :)
That spider book was creepy and ridiculous at the same time... a rare combination indeed, I'll give the author that much credit. :P

Oh dear. I also fear I might get 'entertained' sooner than I'd like to. He just texted "Taxi?"
Do I look like a good-natured kobold?
I might drink a beer to avoid any further inquiries in that direction.

Cheers and have a nice weekend aswell. :)

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 14:56

He's trying


Holy ****! 280.000! That's 325,400.00 American dollars! That's a lot of money - and should have been a lot of house! Well, around here it would be. Not a mansion or anything like that, but probably a 3500 sq. foot house with 3 or 4 bedrooms in the suburbs. A most desireable neighborhood. I'm pretty sure I'll never afford one of those. Not working for a non-profit anyway. I'm ok with that though. I don't need a super fancy house. I just want one that meets my needs, makes me feel safe, and can accomodate my friends. I miss entertaining. My house, yard, and street are really all too small for entertaining. It sucks! Plus there's the flop house across the street with God knows who living there from one month to the next. They throw their trash in the street, sit outside yelling and screaming profanities and getting drunk. And it's right in front of my house on a 1-way street that's probably 12 feet wide. It's quite annoying and embarassing when I have company and we're trying to sit on my porch in and chat in the fresh air. Maybe I could buy that house for cheap and have my youngest son live there! That would fix everything! lol I'll just buy up the little houses on the block and put all of my own family in them. At least then when they are annoying me I can slap them and have less of a chance of going to jail for it! Haha!

I love your plan to avoid taxiing... have a beer and void your ability to drive. That's genius! lol "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. I decided to have some drinks myself, so I can't drive to pick you up". Genius I tell ya! lol I hope your table survives the night! lol I'm sure you're enjoying your quiet time too. As far as the dinner choice....I too eat the frozen noodles, but I've never questioned what the "stuff" in them was. Now I probably will. lol You would think it was meant to be there and has food properties right???? Or maybe not....and I'm eating something that grew in it before it was frozen!!!! OH NO!!!! lol Ehh...I've never really been too fussy, so as long as it tastes good and I don't get sick I'd probably still eat it. lol 

The Flowers in the Attic series is great! It's my all time favorite. It's a twisted tail of a wealthy family. It keeps your nose in the book! I can't remember how many books, but I think it's like 4 or 5....I googled it! There's 4. Flowers in the Attic, Garden of Shadows, Petals on the Wind, If There be Thorns and Seeds of Yesterday. You can get it in a box set if you prefer paperback vs. reading it on your phone or kindle. I'm a phone reader if I have the option (I didn't have that option when I read those books, many years ago). I enjoy flipping pages, but I never remember the book, so I find myself in perfect places to read and don't have the book with me. My phone however, never gets left behind! lol Shades of Grey - I was completely obsessed with those books! It's strange how a book about such a kinky private life was not at all like ****. It's a hott love story with drama in between. I loved it! The movies did the book a grave injustice! But that usually happens with movies based on books. Except Harry Potter - I loved that too! lol I could never get bored watching Harry and the gang fight the evil spirits that area attacking Hogwarts. lol 

Isn't it funny how thinking back on our old homes we wonder how we were ever so content to live there. lol I've lived in some real **** holes in my years. I made them home and I was happy there. When life throw you lemons, right?.... You know, on that day that I was on the news and had taken my group out. I took them to tour an old house in our town before we went to the park. The bathrooms were GORGEOUS! One was the "men's room". It was all gray. It looked a lot like a locker room, the wall tile was all gray, along with the sinks, tub, and toilet. All gray. It was stunning! Then the "lady's room" was all pink. Same with it. Everything was pink, including the wall tiles. Gorgeous! But it reminded me, I had lived in a house with an old bathroom that had that exact same tile. It was hideous! At least I thought that at the time. But seeing the perfectly manicured and pristine bathroom in this house with that pink tile, I understood the beauty of it. That's wild. I guess it's all about perception. Maybe about tile and grout maintenance Mine weren't anything close to perfect in that old house I lived in. But maybe with a little effort they could have been. hmmm.... Haha! That's like me! If you stand 50 yards away, squint your eyes, and tilt your head just right when you look at me, I look like a beauty queen! lol 

My strange male is exactly the opposite of yours. Haha! Mine knows that I'm the boss, and I'm ALWAYS right. For the most part, he lets me be. That's another character I love about him. I'm bossy. He knows it, and he's ok with that. Sometimes he'll push back, but not really much. He's very laid back and easy going. Much like you that way. On the RARE occassion (hehe) that he's right and I'm wrong, he will do a dance around me and taunt me by asking me to repeat myself when I say "You were right". lol I dont' know the dance too well though, since I RARELY see it enough to learn

He's working again today. They were mandated to work Saturday this week :( He needs the money to help dig himself out of the hole he's dug though, so maybe it's a good thing. We'll see. But, in the meantime, I cleaned the house from top to bottom yesterday. All of the laundry is done. The outside is mowed and the house is spider web and spider free. I have NO IDEA what to do with myself. I really should go shopping or something. I just hate the idea of sitting in this house and doing nothing. But, I've been a complete failure at that since I've been home. I planned to do that the entire week....but can't force myself to sit still. I have to be productive, what the hell is wrong with me?! lol 

I think I'll go candy crush, then get dressed and go shopping. But I must get moving before the urge wears off and I talk myself out of it again. Have a great weekend far away friend! 

Be blessed!



Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 04:01



We've been out with friends, a bit of socializing surely can't hurt, can it? :)
I'm back home now, everyone is sleeping tightly... well, everyone but me... (it's 4 am here). Oh well... could be worse, could be a weekday...
Glad his sister didn't come around, she decided to stay there. Phew... that really is unfortunate... what a pity. I was sooo looking forward to such a pleasant company... :P

You can have it cheaper if you buy a house in a smaller town or at the countryside. Would start at approximately 120k for a decent one that's 'ready to live in' (no renovations needed).
In a city it's different though. That one had about 90 to 100 square meters. 3 bedrooms, a living room, 2 kitchens and 2 bathrooms. Changes had been made in the past to make it possible to have two seperated flats in it to have a tenant live in there, that's why it has two kitchens and two bathrooms.
If you get closer to the city center, you can well spend 400k or more for a smaller house. My other s-i-l thought about buying, but they changed their minds pretty soon, because they were already in their mid-30's. You have to start early to be able to afford the monthly payments if you don't have a high deposit.

I'm not a house owner type. Doesn't matter though, it's not so common here. The rents have also skyrocketed lately, but I still don't see myself ever sitting on a porch or mowing the garden. :P
Hehe... you should buy all those houses and rename the street, or even better, the whole estate. Something along the lines of "Paradise Hills" or "Spring Gardens". No hills, short springs, just some tiny herb beds and for sure no devine refuge within walking distance, but a good marketing might make up for that. A great business plan, I find. :)

I had neighbours like yours in my childhood and teens. Not in houses though, all flats in a crammed area. Some of my friends lived in small houses at the outskirts of our district, but that was a minority. I guess you'd call that a council estate, the whole district was. You had people drinking on their balconies at noon, kids playing hide and seek in the flat above you in the middle of the night... and other... things... it really had a bad reputation. If I tell a resident of this city where I grew up, people instinctively feel for their wallets to check if they are still there, frown and say "Oh. That must have been tough. I'm sorry." (No joke, I really had that happening a few times. A bit offensive, I thought to myself)
Still... I sometimes miss those days. It wasn't too bad really. Apart from all the other ****, there was a sense of belonging. I knew the area and I knew how 'it ticked', it was familiar. This all came to a sudden end when I was 18 though, but that's another story.

Mhh... if I could buy a house for 25k I might even do it. I don't need much space. With me as your neighbour it would be very quiet though... and I'm bad at gardening. The plants would always be withered. Not a nice sight either. :P

Yeh, that was the plan. I didn't do it though, I just went to bed. He came home at 0:30, which is quite early for him, all drunk and chatty. This time he went straight to bed though, so my table is doing well...
Same here. Never been fussy... and I'm still alive. I don't eat such things very often, because it would mean that I'd somehow have to heat it... urgh... no. Too much of an effort. :)

Thanks. I'll try that. I have a kindle app on my phone, but it's a bit uncomfortable to read on it, because I prefer small phones, I find those big ones unpractical. The downside is that you can't hold mine for long to read on it without your hand getting numb. I do have a kindle reader that's a more suitable size, but I also tend to forget it. I use both, but prefer the reader. My phone quite often gets left behind aswell, I'm a bit forgetful.
I have also never watched the Shades of Grey movie, but it definately was a bestseller, just like the books. I know that because of my second job that I still had back then. Women loved it. It was quite weird... lol. You are right, the movie mostly is much worse than the book, they shouldn't do that. It might put people off books that are quite good actually.

Same here. I've lived in quite a few places, some of them really bad. There was a time in my live when I didn't own much, I could move in a car or even with a barrow. When I got kicked out all I needed to move was two plastic bags of clothes and two cardboard boxes. No furniture, no private things, just two boxes filled with some books, an old walkman and a box of photos. The good thing about this was that it wasn't quite pressing to get those out, it didn't use up much space, he just put the in the attic. My absence didn't make a difference...
It's different now. Still less than others, but much more than that. I even own a kitchen table these days. :P

Yeh, it's always a matter of perception. I don't really care though. If you don't like it, look the other way! :)
White bathrooms are boring. My sister's also is pink and old, that on the other hand is a bit too much old school even for my liking...

Oh, he let's me be aswell, but one of his favourite pastimes unfortunately is to state the obvious. You know, like "Those water bottles are heavy, I'll do it, you need to carry them like this..." Oh really? They usually fly right up into our flat at the other 51 weeks per year when you don't happen to accidently be around after I bought them...
But generally we both are quite tolerant with a 'live and let live' mentality. A calm balance without much words and no planning, as people say. He sometimes relies a bit too much on me doing things for him last minute, this is a bit annoying, but we both are neither bossy nor controlling, that wouldn't work. There's a lot of trust in this. Not too wise actually, I know... but unfortunately I also know that this wouldn't change if he knew... as I said before... he never believes things until he sees them... and even then he wouldn't admit that he was wrong... -.-
Anyways... my own making and such... just wanted to describe our daily things.

There indeed must be something wrong. You fail to be lazy and unproductive? Lol... that's about the easiest pastime ever! I could do that all day. When I have a few days off alone... that's heaven! Well... I have to admit, I also do things that need doing, there always is enough to do (another thing about him: He always thinks that things magically fix themselves. There's a shelf at the wall or the car is clean and he never wastes a thought on how this had happened to be or how those water bottles happen to 'pop up' in our flat on a regular basis), but I mostly do them all at once to at least have one day left to do nothing at all, including generous oversleeping. :)

Yeh, shopping sounds good (just really do it this time... :P). A little bit of walking around is always nice to let your thoughts wander and get your head free. Vacation is there to relax. So do exactly that. :)

I'll try to sleep a bit before he wakes up, so good night for me and good morning to you... :)

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 16:19

He's trying


Congrats on your table surviving! And congrats on owning one!

I came from a very modest, and poor home for most of my childhood. Well...after I was 12 and my mother finally left my very physically and mentally abusive, alcoholic father. He worked hard and provided well, so we had a nice little home, but it was filled with rage and pain! On our own, after she left we were poor and wreckless, but we were  happy. We moved around alot! For the most part, we would live somewhere for a few months and Mom would be able to keep up on the bills on her very limited income. She was disabled by then, as the years of my father's beatings and throwing her around had broken her back and she couldn't work anymore. And the ***hole, monster never gave her a dime of child support or helped us with anything. He disowned us for choosing to live with her, so I lost my father at that age as well (good riddance to bad trash). Then things like holidays would hit and Mom couldn't help herself but to buy us gifts and make a holiday feast (with the rent money) and that would start our non payment month, that she could never catch up on. Which lead to the evictions that took them around 2 to 3 months to complete. Then we'd be moved in somewhere else. That was about 6 years of my life.

My mother was only 15 when she married my father and had me. He beat her (and us) and controlled her every move for their entire marriage. So Mom had no education, no work skills, nothing. She only knew how to be a great mom and wife. But once she left my dad, she was broken and lost. She began partying like a teenager (those years she never had) and turned into an alcoholic who was in the bars all of the time. But then at 19, I became pregnant with my oldest son and our lives changed. He changed all of our lives. At that time we were all out of control. Partying, fighting, not working, my sister and I had dropped out of school. My little brother was staying at friends houses most of the time so that he could get to school in the mornings and have some type of normalcy when he was there.  It was a pretty bad situation. But when I found out I was pregnant, all of us started re-evaluating our lives and our choices. We realized that it was time to grow up and prepare a good home for our little one. He really was "our" little one too. We all adored him! It was him that made me decide to go back to school, get my degree, and start my life. I needed to be a good example of what a good person and a good citizen was for him. off track. So my point was, I have some experience with having little and living in the "not so popular" parts of town. But I have street smarts and I made a lot of connections with people that I wouldn't have otherwise. Now I am able to connect with people of all walks of life. I'm not intimidated by the "thug" that may scare other people. I've learned how to adapt. So, I can manage just fine in my current neighborhood and I've made the best of it. I do feel at home. But, I also could live without the headaches of idiots. It's not something that is urgent, nor is it dangerous to live here. Which is where the struggle comes in. Do I find another house that doesn't have the "bad" neighborhood and spend more money to remove that annoyance from my life and have a house that I can entertain guests in again, without fear of the neighbors doing something ridiculous to embarrass me? Or do I live here, apologize for the idiots across the streets all of the time, but afford to enjoy trips, shopping and the other fun stuff in life? I do prefer the living part! Why can't I just have the best of both worlds?!!

Speaking of shopping - I DID IT!!! I went out and found some great deals on the clearance racks at the store. I actually found my first pair of distressed (holy and frayed) blue jeans for 10.15€ (thanks google for the conversion and for helping me figure out how to enter the euro symbol since I don't have one on my keyboard) Strange - to enter the € I have to hold the Alt button and type in 0128 Isn't that funny! That's quite complicated! I spent 172.10€ on me! 3 pairs of jeans, a long cardigan sweater, a hooded fall shirt that says "Pumpkin Spice is my favorite season" lol, a nice babydoll dress, and a pair of sneakers. I'm happy :)

I'm bummed. Since he had to work yesterday, today was supposed to be date day. Well, he's sick. Throat hurts, aching, coughing. He's about to go to the clinic. So it looks like no Melon Festival for me :( The Melon Festival is in a nearby town. It's great! They celebrate their big crop - Watermelon! So, there's watermelon EVERYTHING! Deep fried watermelon, watermelon soda, watermelon candy, and the best of all Watermelon ICE CREAM! It's a fun little gathering in a small town. We planned to go there, listen to the bands, walk around, eat some ice cream, and then end our date at the Chinese Buffet restaurant that is in the neighboring town which is amazing! Now, it looks like I'll probably find myself sitting in this **** house watching him sleep. Oops...I mean, awww I'm so sad for him that he feels bad. Poor guy needs some rest. We can just stay home so that he doesn't feel worse. I'm ok with not dating this week. (was that convincing?)

I think it's so funny how they just assume that things magically get done around them. My house would fall apart if I left it to him! I make the repairs, do the yearly maintenance, do the emergency maintenance, tend to the dusting, closet cleanouts, window washing, bathroom scrubbing, carpet cleaning, spider killing, weed killing... you name it, I do it! Speaking of weed killing - I'm no gardener either! If it can't be mowed down with the mower, I don't permit it in my yard! I do have 2 potted plants that I almost always remember to water.....almost....that sit on my porch. That's the only color you'll find in my yard! lol

Tomorrow is my last morning of vacation :( It went so fast! I'm going to try my hardest to sleep in and do nothing. We shall see. With the sick one around, it should prove to be challenging. When he gets a cold, the whole world stops and he thinks he's dying. So it's always me to the rescue! lol 

Well, he stirs, so I better go baby him for a bit. Then I can crush my candy while he's at the clinic :) 

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 21:05



Back home now. We have been at a restaurant, catching up with some friends. Their 2yo daughter was there, babbling about in Spanish (his wife is from Peru). I do understand most of it, but I can't say much, that's a bit annoying sometimes. She didn't care much anyways, children never do. I love days like these. Simple things. :)

Lol. Thank you. It's a cheap one from Ikea, so not really the greatest of possessions, but I had to put it together, which was a challenge, so I'm kind of fond of it. We spent a few hours of frustration together. That seems to build some strong bonds obviously. :P

That's exactly what I mean. There's always some positives in everything. I have a different view of things and I can deal with things and people in a different way. I guess that's why it annoys me so much when my s-i-l and her collegues are telling their stories about those 'low-lifes'. I just don't have the energy to confront them, it's just not worth the effort. A lot of people have been through that, it's not uncommon, and noone choses that path...

Never mind, my thoughts drifted away a bit in my last post, I shouldn't do that. Thanks for that reality check. It must always look like I am trying to find excuses, which I surely don't. It was just a part of my rant regarding the attitudes of people around me. You managed to turn your life around, and so have others. More than anything, I benefitted from it... being able to look at things from the 'other side'. I'm me... and noone has to understand me. It's just the way it is.
'Street smarts'... yeh... definately. That's a good way of putting it.

I agree. I would always chose living over struggling to maintain a standard that I don't even need in the first place. Life has taught me that much. It's not about the perception of others, I must be content in my own skin. I never really cared what others thought, but I damn well wanted everyone to think I'm fine and happy, be it just to be left alone. I don't care what my friends think about my neighbours, never have. But then again... I don't like having people come around, we always go out to visit others or meet somewhere. I kind of need my space for myself.

The best of both worlds... now that will never work. The living part is better... always. :)

Hehe... I also had to search for the dollar-sign. I'm always typing on my phone though, for several reasons, and I finally found it. Otherwise I would have just copied and pasted it from your post.
Come to think of it... I also wouldn't know where it is on a keyboard (ours are different, y and z are interchanged and most the signs are at different places aswell), but the € here would be 'alt + E'.
... I just looked... $ is 'shift + 4'...

You just made me think what that writing on your shirt means, so I googled it. Never heard of Pumpkin Spice... sounds gross though... lol.
My two favourites are "Another fine day ruined by responsibility" and "What the heck am I doing here?" I loved wearing them at work. When I still had my second job, my boss wasn't in at the weekends, so noone cared (he wouldn't have minded though, he was quite relaxed). Where I currently work I haven't dared trying that yet... there are some really humourless people around... but I might one day... that will be fun. The key is to push things slowly but steadily, just like with the dress code... I will get there.
Our receptionist would love them aswell. :P

Congratulations. I rarely spend that much on myself. My shoes are resolving though (they never truly recovered from that dive in the river back in May). Mhh... sooner or later I will have to take care of that.
You got a lot for your money. Definately a good bargain. See... it was worth going out for shopping. :)

I love watermelons. I don't even care about the seeds, I just eat them completely. Picking them out is too much of an effort (I try to avoid biting on them though, they are a bit bitter).

Oh dear... man-flu... my partner always is close to the verge of dying (same goes for hangovers). Funny thing is, he knows that he's slightly exaggerating. That doesn't stop him from mourning as if someone has shot him in the foot. "There is scientific proof that us men have a lower pain treshold." and "You can't work today... who is gonna take care of me then?" Lol...
They need full attention when they are 'suffering'. Can be worse than a toddler... lol.
He goes to the clinic with a cold? But then again... my partner might do that aswell. Weird indeed, how did they possibly survive this long? Lol

I don't even own a potted plant. It would be a pitiful (and short) existance. I got one for my birthday and took it to work., at least then there would be people around to water it. My collegue had mercy and adopted it. :)

I will join him and be a good wife now... he's in the other room playing a stupid computer game. Time to feign some interest. I might even bring him some cookies... lol.

I hope I won't hear back from you too early. Sleeping in is great. A good plan for your last day. Don't do much else, promise? :)

You definately are a wonderful person and a great personality. I guess I never really said it, but I wanted to thank you for being here. Hard to put that in words... just wanted to say it though... Thank you. :)

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 12:57

He's trying


Aww you're sweet! Thanks! I'm happy to be here! I look forward to our back and forths. 

You don't know what Pumpkin Spice is?!! Oh what a world, what a world...(stole that from The Wizard of Oz) Over here, it's the spice of the fall season. Coffees, Ice Cream, Pastry, Scented Candles. It's glorious! Do you have pumpkin pie or sweet potato pie? They are a cinnamon, spicy, maple, sweet flavor that is delicious! That is the flavor of "pumpkin spice". It's so popular in the US that its gained a cult-like following. People are crazy for it! But then there are the people who think it's gross (hmm hmm) that tease the people who love it. Hence our little impass here. lol That's what makes the shirt funny :)

He has a sinus infection. He left here talking to me like he was about to go to the oncologist and find out how many days he had left on this earth. lol Clinic for a cold? No, not me, ever. Him - oh yes of course! Please pause the world, he has a little sinus pressure. lol Needless to say date day was a bust :( It was miserably hot outside by the time we made it to the festival. We had our ice cream and left. After paying to park...ughh. Then we went to dinner at the chinese buffet - delicious as always. Hardly a word was exchanged between us though, he was being a short-tempered jerk to me all the way there, because he doesn't feel well. We stopped and rented a couple of DVD movies at the movie store and came home. He fell asleep and I entertained myself for most of the night making a delicious new pie. 

But something great did happen. My brother texted me and invited me to go out on his boat to cruise around on the lake this morning. I'm so excited! I love the water! So, sleeping in wasn't an option, but it'll be worth it to get out on the lake and feel the mist from the water splashing as we hit the waves <3 I may be going alone. I'm ok with that. He's still sleeping so I'll wake him and see how he feels. I'd just as soon welcome his absence than deal with the boohooing. 

I guess I should get some candy crushed before I have to get dressed and head to my brothers. I hope you have a glorious day. Do you celebrate Labor Day? We have a federal holiday today. It's a day off for a lot of US workers. A lot of people get paid for the day off. I'm salary, so I get the same check every payday anyway. But, none the less, I always take my week off of work before the holiday to get a free extension of my vacation ;) 

 Be careful eating those watermelon seeds! When we were children, my mom used to tell us that if we ate the seeds, we'd grow a watermelon in our belly! lol ...Come to think of it, maybe that explains my weight problem....stupid watermelon seeds.....

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 17:02



This captcha thing is annoying... do cargo trains at the egde of the image count as 'vehicles'...? O_o

No, we don't have that. I have once eaten pumpkin soup though, it actually wasn't as bad as it looked like, I must admit. Pumpkin ice cream, on the other hand...
Pumpkin, cinnamon and maple... what a mix... that sounds even worse than instant noodles with mackarel... so without ever having tried it... I'd definately join the opposition. :P

Lol... that could be him... and don't forget about the frantic googling to look what kind of diseases he might have. It's really funny what he can come up with afterwards. He once had a cough and convinced himself he'd be suffering from a rare severe lung disease... needless to say he went to see a doctor the next day. He was relieved afterwards, but of course that didn't stop him from spending three days on the couch worrying he might get a fever... -.-

I never do that either. Can't remember when I have last seen a doctor. Oh... actually I do. It was in 2009 when I ended up in a hospital after I managed to smash my left wrist to pieces... oh well... I didn't call the ambulance though, that was someone else. Not much of a choice there, they wouldn't let me go home. This had also been the only time ever when I stayed away from work (apart from two times in my third job, once I overslept because I couldn't be bothered setting an alarm, the other time I had a bad hangover on a Saturday, but I didn't care much anymore, that place was toxic and I left shortly after that).

You still have movie stores? I worked in one for most of my working life, for 16 years. It closed down in December 2016 because the lease had ended. The landlord refused to renew it for 'moral reasons' (we also had... erm... 'adult movies'), which was bs, it's been there for more than 25 years and noone ever cared. The real reason was that the close-by jobcenter planned an extension and they could charge more from a new tenant.
I ******* loved that job! I started working part time there when I still went to school and then when I studied. The pay was extremely bad until they intruduced minimum wage in 2015, but I still liked it. There was a time when I lived in another part of the city, which meant that I had to take the night bus home after the late shift on Thursdays (ending shortly after midnight), arriving at home close to 2 am, work at my other job starting at 5:30 am. I didn't mind though.
It's never been boring, fond memories. We (the ex-staff) still meet up occassionally. When it closed a world fell apart. The people who lived in the area even started a petition. Didn't help though.

In the years before it closed I often got asked "You work in a movie rental store? Really? I thought they don't exist anymore." That's why I was surprised you still have them. Here there are only two of them left in the entire city. In the 90's and early 00's they used to be everywhere.

Getting up early for a cruise on the lake is acceptable for a vacation day, I guess. Approved! :P
Yeh, better leave him at home. In his condition he'd just spoil the fun. A bit of tea in bed would do much better.

We don't celebrate Labor Day. Well, come to think of it, we actually do, it's on 1st May here though, that's funny. Why the difference?
Lol... that teminds me of my collegue who was bored today and decided to plan her holidays (in a neat excel sheet, of course) for 2019, all Brückentage included (I don't know if you have a word for that, it's a day between a weekend and a statutory holiday which employees like to take off to extend a weekend from two to four days). There is a policy at my company that on those days we are closed down completely (same goes for the days between Christmas and New Year). Those days will automatically get deducted from our total days of annual leave. So, depending on the year, we have between five and ten days for which we can't decide on our own as to when to take them. In 2019 it will be nine... and this genuinely upset her. Her concentration was gone out the window and she was bickering all day about having to have a word about this... it's unfair... this just can't be! She needs those days to plan elsewhere!
I'm glad she didn't hyperventilate because my reanimation skills are a bit rusty and my other collegue in the office next door, who recently got a day off (with full pay) to do a three hour first aid course (lunch included), was on leave... two weeks after he had returned from a five week trip to the coast...
Complaining about first world problems.... meh. :)

Hehe... my mom used to tell me that aswell... and that swallowing chewing gum would glue your guts together, but I guess she only said that to put me off of chewing it at all... I used to do that when lying on the couch, having it end up sticking in my hair.

I hope you enjoyed your trip. Sounds fun indeed. :)

Take care. :)
And don't fall off the boat, that's a bit annoying, I can tell you that much. :P

Posted on:
Tue, 04/09/2018 - 13:56

He's trying


I didn't end up going :( When I finally got in touch with my brother, he said that he was still in bed but that we could go if I still wanted to. I told him no, maybe another time, since the fiance wasn't feeling well. You see, prior to that phone call, I woke him up 3 different times to get ready if he was going. The 1st time he just went back to sleep. The 2nd time he said "do you think it'll be ok to be around the nephews like this" to which I replied, "Yes, you have a sinus infection. That's not contgagious". Then the 3rd time he just said "You know, if you won't be mad, I think I'll just stay home and rest. I feel really bad and I'm sure I'll make you miserable". To which I replied "I understand. If you feel that bad, I won't be mad. I'll go by myself. Rest and feel better." So, then I called my brother and we just cancelled since I was apparently the only person really feeling up to going. And unfortunately, I don't own a boat soo....

Well, he did end up waking up and sitting on the couch all morning. I changed out of my boating outfit and into house clothes and was relaxing and planning what to cook for Sunday dinner. A couple of hours go by and he says to me "Do you want to go out to my aunt's house for swimming and hanging out with everyone"? .........I thought I was going to Explode!!!! Nevermind that I have been wanting to go on a boat ride ALL SUMMER and haven't. Nevermind that I was just at your family's house yesterday (on date day). Nevermind that I have plans to entertain my son an niece for dinner today. WHAT HAPPENED TO, I SHOULDN'T BE AROUND KIDS and I DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR TIME BECAUSE I FEEL SO BADLY. Was there a miraculous healing when your sister called to tell you she was going out there?!!!! I blew up! I sent him out ALONE and spent the afternoon home by myself, until my son made it over for dinner. We were almost ready to sit down to eat when he arrived back home. We ate our dinner in separate rooms and then he came walking in to tell me and my son that he was going to go to the horse betting track for a while. ( Probably expecting me to go off again) Then he left. My son was gone when he returned. So I sat on the couch without speaking a word to him for the remainder of the evening and went to bed. I'm so tired of being at the bottom of his totem pole. I deserve to be a priority. I can't believe he could be so selfish and self-centered. 

Yes, this is the last of the stores of it's kind though. We have Redbox, which allows you to pick a DVD from a self service machine outside of our stores. You keep it for an agreed upon, and paid for, time and then return it to that same machine. But we only have the one store left, and yes, they have the "backroom" for adult rentals too. lol I realize that most anything can be downloaded onto my tv or streamed from the internet. But there's something about stopping at the rental store and browsing the movies. Much like walking through the library, instead of downloading a book to the kindle. I'll miss it when it's gone. 

I've made some lifelong friends at my past jobs too. Infact that's where I met my fiance. I was bartending at the bowling center that is attached to the horse betting parlor. He worked there too. And yes, he had a problem then! All day long, as long as he had money - it was bet, work a little, bet, work a little, cash in a bet, work a little, make some tips to spend on more bets, work a little more. I should have known! But me, being the "we all have our cross to bare" person, looked past it and figured it wouldn't be THAT big of an issue. pffft..... then it turned into, "he loves me enough to change for me". pffft...... now here we are :) I guess I can be thankful that it did bring you into my life. For that I am glad, truly. 

I'm attaching a pumpkin pie recipe. You really must try it. I hope they sell pureed pumpkin in a can there. It's much easier if you have that instead of a whole pumpkin. I'm not sure about the conversion, so if you should decide to try it, you'll have to google all of that. Pumpkin pie is a tradition on Thanksgiving here. Do with the recipe what you please. I just thought you may want to try it :)  

I'm going to finish getting ready and head back to work :/ Have a good day!

Be blessed!

 Pumpkin Pie recipe:

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves 2 large eggs 1 can (15 oz.) Pure Pumpkin 1 can (12 fl. oz.) Evaporated Milk 1 unbaked 9-inch (4-cup volume) deep-dish pie shell Whipped cream (optional)


MIX sugar, cinnamon, salt, ginger and cloves in small bowl. Beat eggs in large bowl. Stir in pumpkin and sugar-spice mixture. Gradually stir in evaporated milk. 

 POUR into pie shell. BAKE in preheated 425° F oven for 15 minutes. Reduce temperature to 350° F; bake for 40 to 50 minutes or until knife inserted near center comes out clean. Cool on wire rack for 2 hours. Serve immediately or refrigerate. Top with whipped cream before serving.  

Posted on:
Tue, 04/09/2018 - 20:59



My partner is out with a mate. I'm too tired to join them, I had two very short nights in a row. My sleeping pattern is messy even at the best of times. Oh well...

Swimming with a sinus infection definately isn't the best of ideas...

Now it's your fault that he went to the horse betting track (and even if he didn't, you'd still think he did, and feel bad about it. Mission accomplished). Great, a free pass. 'She expects me to do it anyways, so I can aswell do it.' In fact, by giving him such a hard time, you even made him do it. Poor him. What choice did he have?

Throwing my toys out of the pram when things didn't go the way I'd have liked them to... yep... sounds familiar. I didn't need too many words to do this and I never got loud or offensive, but I could be very mean in a subtle way. I knew where to sting to make him feel bad, how to make him think it's his fault that I leave... job done. See... I got a reason to be angry, I should feel better now, so why don't I? Nevermind. What other option do I have...?
My partner, just like you, isn't stupid or anything, on the contrary, but his own longing for harmony always got the better of him...
I was driven by something I didn't understand, something I deeply hated and desperately craved at the same time, and I was unable to step back the moment I realized what was happening... in moments like that I just wanted to run away from his affection, it made me feel like choking on the closeness he so desperately wanted, the fondness I didn't deserve, while at the same time feeling that guilty collywobbles because I knew what I was doing... and why...
One of his problems was an inability to apologize as long as he was still upset, even if he thought he did something wrong, same goes for me. We both knew that, so rather than talking about what had happened we both (me in particular) preferred to just leave it be and pretend it was fine. The next day we went on as if nothing ever happened.

This has somehow changed, maybe it's maturity from getting older, or maybe we learned from experience, maybe a bit of both. Today we both can say sorry. Doesn't happen too often though, either way. :P

You've let it get the better of you. Hard not get angry and upset, I know, but this is just another example of this exhausting cycle of madness.
It's a pointless mind game and there is only one person who can make the first step to stop this, and that unfortunately isn't you.
Addiction is very selfish indeed, it doesn't leave much room for anything else. As you said... you should be top priority. If he can't see that, at least do it yourself. Just look after number one. :)

We met at a party when I still went to school. I didn't even know the owner of the house it was held. For me the bad times started when we had already been together for about two years. I don't know at which point exactly it started spiralling out of control, but it was a creeping process that got worse and worse and ended in a fast descent. Yet I never really wanted to change. There wasn't really a problem after all, was it? Leave me alone, all's fine. Keep walking, nothing to see here!

It's not naïve or anything. Of course you didn't know what to expect. Who would have? We all believe in the best in people and there is no rational explanation for what was going on in my head (and still could, anytime). I didn't even see that myself. It takes time to see the problem, and then it's just confusing.

We had those self service machines here aswell, our store never had one though. But they didn't exist for long, people somehow didn't like them and either turned to the internet or still came to us. Yeh, for most it probably was nostalgia and, for a considerable part, also us staff. We were an odd mixture of people, I was always looking forward to work in that underpaid job with a zero hours contract. For a while it was an important part of my routine that kept me going, and I could talk to people for a few minutes about nothing in particular. Familiar surroundings. I also loved my collegues. Even our former boss (now retired) still attends our meetings. Today people love all the stories I have to tell from this time.

Me and my partner once tried a recipe that was written in english. Thing was... evaporated milk... this was a fail... it obviously didn't work with normal milk. :P
Later I read a tip on the internet about what comes closest to what's needed there. It was too late then and we never tried it again.
I might give your pie a try (definately need a conversion :) - and no whipped cream... urghh) now that I know what to take, getting a pie shell would be tricky though, and I've also never seen pureed pumpkin here, I'd have to do that myself. Sticky mess... sounds fun! :) This would actually be interesting, because usually noone would dare eating what I cook. I once baked cookies for Christmas and people (his family) where frowning and eyeing them suspuciously. "YOU made those? Erm...". My s-i-l courageously sacrificed herself and tried them. She didn't fall off her chair, so it seemed to be okay. But I fully understand... better safe than sorry, I also wouldn't eat what I cook, that's why I usually don't bother trying. :)

When does the pumpkin season start anyways?

Thank you. I'm also glad that I met you. Small world. :) I would have never thought that one day I'd really talk about those dark times, let alone actually feel quite okay about doing it (this took a while though, I admit). The only downside is the occassion. I wish this would be different. :(

Today I decided to be nice. I will go and pick him up. :)

See you tomorrow and enjoy your coffee. :)
How is it back at work, btw? I hope your first day went well.

Posted on:
Wed, 05/09/2018 - 14:02

He's trying


Hahaha! I got to sign in with just a click on the capcha button! No pictures this time! I get so excited when that happens!

This is actually early pumpkin season here. It's an autumn harvest. It really sounds like a difficult process if you don't have the pureed pumpkin or the evaporated milk :( And you don't like whipped cream?!!! I get the whole not eating meat thing - but WHIPPED CREAM??!!! That takes any dessert and makes it even better! I just can't make any sense of that one! 1ol

I haven't talked to him since Monday when we got into that argument. Probably 10 words total. I really am so hurt and angry with him! I'm angry with myself too. I give so much. He gives what is convenient for him. I know it's wrong of me to expect others to care as much as I do, but damn. When do I get to be important? When do my interests and desires become important? It wouldn't have cost him a penny to join me on the boat. But it was not something he really wanted to do so he played the "I'm too sick" role. That would have been a good role to play, had he not changed it up for something he wanted to do. That's what angers me so bad! We can see those people and hang out with them anytime - including the day prior. But getting an opportunity to get on the boat and go out on the lake isn't available anytime. I have waited ALL SUMMER for an opportunity. I'm so busy running around trying to please everyone and include everyone and make sure everyone is ok. But when it comes to me, it's up to me. **** that! And then to use me as an excuse to go bet away any money you may have or add more debt to your credit card? Hell, I don't know that he did any of that. I have no idea what he did. I really don't care. I'm tired of fighting for my place. Clearly I am not anywhere near the top of his list. I deserve the top spot. I'm a good woman. I have been loyal, loving, caring, empathetic, supportive, encouraging, helpful, committed, and steadfast. I deserve to be treated like I'm worth something. 2nd best (hell, 5th best) is not fun. 

Anyway, enough boohooing about poor me. Work was good. I was very busy getting caught back up. It'll be another busy day today too. I don't mind though. It's better than sitting there waiting for the clock to move. The faster the days move along, the faster I'll get back to the weekend! 

I'm a firm believer that for all that goes wrong in the world, if we open ourselves to the lesson to be learned, it makes the bad times worth living through. Yes, a bad occassion brought me here, but meeting you and finding the enlightenment that you bring to my world has made it all worth it. I am blessed. I hate that I have this monkey on my back and I do want it off so badly. But I realize, thanks in big part to you, that I have no control over his addiction. I can only focus on strengthening me and beating that burden off of my own back, because it isn't mine to bare. I need to allow him to carry the bricks he keeps piling on his back and not offer to help anymore. You have helped me to see that more clearly. I am thankful for that. So, even though bad brought me here, good has come of it! 

Kudos to you for being nice! You have to earn those buttons for use at a later date. They are currency for when you need a favor ;) Trust me, I have a truckload! Now if I could only find someone willing to cash them for me. If I had a coin for everytime I thought of him before myself - I'd be rich! 

It's going to be a hot one here today. Record setting high temps. The schools even closed. I'll be hiding in the AC and watching the television. I cooked yesterday, and made enough for today as well. Taco salad! Yum! So I'll come home and mix another fresh salad up, warm up the leftover taco meat and dinner is served. Easy! I love 2 day meals. I hate having to cook all of the time. I can't afford to eat at restaurants everyday, so I have no choice. So, I just make BIG meals that make good leftovers and eat them twice :) 

Time to get a move on it. Have a great day my friend! Maybe I'll get lucky and the capcha will let me end with one click too...(fingers crossed)

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Wed, 05/09/2018 - 19:37



Lol. That reminds me of when I registered on another forum. There was a question like "How many cans make a sixpack?"
I spent some time trying to figure out the deeper meaning of that question. What does it want from me? Is this supposed to be funny? Where's the trick there? Took me a while to realize that this was just to confirm I'm not a spambot... -.-
I obviously passed the test, though it was a close call. :P

I asked my colleague today, she told me the pumpkin season will start soon. I knew that she'd know, she's a dedicated housewife. Evaporated milk is doable, pureed pumpkin aswell, the problem would be the pie shell. Whipped cream... urghh... it tastes awful and gives a fluffy feeling in your mouth... even an hour afterwards it still feels as if you'd have just drunken a bottle of sun cream. Lol... obviously noone shares that opinion though.

Of course you are important. Your interests and desires are important, but you will still be trapped if you think by giving you will be owed something back.

Today I read some random thoughts from a guy who writes a lot about his recovery "We are not victims of other people or circumstances, we are victims of our own expectations" (Bad translation, it somehow sounds better in german, but you know what I mean). He's a bit too spiritual for my liking, but there is a lot of truth in that one.

You would save yourself a lot of disappointment, hurt, energy and frustration if you managed to refrain from trying to make the world a better place. Things rarely turn out the way we would like them to and you can't change other people's ways or predict their reactions, only your own.

We shouldn't apply our own standards to everyone else and assume they react accordingly. Some people just don't, so what's the point? It only leads to us feeling disappointed and lost. This will eat you up on the long run if you don't manage to keep your distance. Believe me, things are easier if you don't expect too much of others. :)

Can't wait for the weekend to come? Lol... you have just been on vacation. :P

You think everything happens for a reason? Mhh... I don't believe in karma or such, I made some ill choices and learnt a lesson, now I make sure not to repeat those mistakes. Simple. But one thing is for certain, without that monkey we would have both never come here in the first place. So yeh... maybe... :)

Well... I have a truckload of those other buttons hidden in a secret compartment. We could throw them all into a pot together and both be even (well, I'd probably still have some left, for once...). Poetic justice. If only it would be that simple...
I know what you mean though, but well... :)

A heat wave in September? It's quite chilly here. Today a maintenance guy walked into our office, looking at the ceilings and frowning in confusion.
"What brings you to this distant outskirts of the realm?"
"I'm here to repair the AC. It's been reported broken."
"In September....? There isn't one, as you already seem to have noticed. Two months ago we wished there was, but unfortunately..."
"Seems so, but I've got a notice here saying 'Sales Building, Room 0.02, Backoffice Sales Administrations'."
"Congratulations. You're in the right place. Want an apple?"
"Mhhh... yes, thank you... erm..."
"Just call the facility management."
"They were the ones who sent me here, actually."
Lol... welcome to my world... -.-

I'm glad that I'm home though. There was a bit of negative vibrations at work all day. It nearly ended in an argument between my colleague and the receptionist, which is quite unusual, at least amongst these two. When my collegue was out of the room, the receptionist complained to me about her inflexibility, always sticking to the protocol and her inability to adopt to situations. In her words "She's totally clueless and doesn't have any skills but to pick up the phone and endlessly chat to people about non-existant problems, needs a manual for anything and would be lost without clear instructions. She doesn't really do anything. You can do her job, if need be, and you can do mine, but her... How can someone live like that? I don't earn much more, but I definately do more than she does, and so do you." Ouch. Bad moods... can't you leave those at home? And can you please leave me out of this? Who cares what I am able to do, what I earn and if I sell myself short? How could you possibly know? And how's that your business anyways? Yes, I come earlier or stay longer if need be, but I also don't have a family waiting for me, so what?
I told her that, honestly, it doesn't really matter. These days noone is collapsing under their workload here.
It was a short rant and they got back to normal. Still, after she had left, the receptionist concluded that we are doing well as it is and that we'd still need her to just sit the frontdesk and make a good impression whilst I'm helping someone on the 3rd floor to find the on-button of a projector and she's away looking for a life-saving flipchart or solving another one of those pressing homemade problems of those bright sales people... and that we'd be due a payrise... meh... :)

I was really confused about this, and still am. Usually we are all getting along quite well and there never was any beef between them, openly or otherwise.

Never had another one of those picture captchas. Probably only happens once. Thank god.

Your salad reminded me of something. I'm kind of hungry... mhh...

Wishing you a great day aswell.
Don't let this affect you too much. :)

Posted on:
Thu, 06/09/2018 - 13:59

He's trying


You are so funny! I am here picturing you sitting at your desk (you probably look nothing like my imagination lol) just doing the back and forth with your eyes like you're watching a tennis match lol. Just hoping no one will ask your input. lol I have a feeling you're not a big fan of confrontation. I'm so completely opposite of that. I have been known to be a big mouth. I have never been good at biting my tongue. That's probably why I'm so good at the professional advocate thing. Never the less, I'm so glad you survived it! lol 

You don't have AC at your office?! I couldn't deal with that! I'd be a sweaty mess! The heat was so high yesterday that it was physical labor to walk from the office door to my car. The car was so hot that it was suffocating until the AC kicked in. I wasn't sure I'd survive it. But I did :) Here I am :)

That quote and the translation were beautiful! I agree. It's something I know, just easier said than done. I am a very selfless person, so it's very difficult for me to understand that everyone isn't like that. I'm learning though. I'm a work in progress, that's for sure. 

Haha! Yes, I'm ready for the weekend! That's the problem with vacations. When I get time off, I want more time off! lol I actually schedule my return week accordingly. I already know before I leave that I'm not going to do well with returning. lol So I schedule as little responsibility into that week as possible. I need time to acclimate! lol

Speaking of time to acclimate, I am being bombarded with texts and calls this early in the morning. Leave me alone people!!! I'm having coffee and writing my friend!!! It's silent time for me!!!! Go away!!!! lol 

Ughh...there my phone goes again. I guess I better run. Have a good day! 

Be blessed! 


Posted on:
Thu, 06/09/2018 - 18:32



I really don't want to know what I look like in your imagination... it might get too close to the truth. :P

You're right. I don't like confrontation, I avoid it at all costs. In this case I started reading some random article on the internet about a flight attendant casting at Emirates Airlines. Wasn't helpful really, they were also behaving a bit like bitchy chicken...
At some point I might exhale loudly saying something like "Really? Come on.", not this time though.
It didn't escalate, they stopped before it really started, but the receptionist talked to me alone later, hard to avoid listening to her then.
And she did it again today... "I mean... really? She's so clueless. What does she expect?..."
This time I just left. I guess that got my point across. I don't care.

I'd make for a bad professional advocate. Calling things as they are is something I rarely ever do and I lack the will to have a serious discussion. Most of the time I wouldn't change anyone's opinion anyways, so I wouldn't try.
For me it's mostly both parties coming to me seperately and telling me about their troubles... as in this case (the other one did that too). What do they want to hear?

We don't have AC in every office, only in some, but it's not really reliable anyways. I don't like it in a car, it's always chilly and uncomfortable. I prefer opening the window.

We are all work in progress. As you might know by now... a lot of things I say may sound reasonable, but that doesn't mean that I'm the best example of sticking to them myself....
Easier said than done, huh? I totally agree!
The part with my own low expectations is something I took to heart, though. That's just easier... and in return it stops me from thinking people might expect anything of me.

For me the hardest thing after my vacation is having to get up early again. In the first week I usually feel like a zombie, because I haven't gotten used to it again yet. I don't really need much sleep to function, but that doesn't mean that I can't sleep 12 hours straight if I have the opportunity to do so. :P

The first text I got today was "I bought a chair."
Quite and interesting chunk of information, I must say. The art of communication. :P

Btw... I encountered a lonely pumpkin at the store today. It was either an early bird or some unkown event has caused a shortage. Time to invest! :)

I'll meet up with an old friend of school days now. Just eating a bit and chatting, probably until close to midnight. The only person I can think of with whom I can have a conversation going for hours without it feeling uncomfortable and artificial. She has reached out to me on more than just one occassion when I had just disappeared from the surface of the planet. Another person in my life whom I owe more than they could ever imagine.

You wrote this at work? I always thought you'd drink your morning coffee at home, relaxing at your kitchen table (my imagination here :)).

Uh... I gotta rush (not that I'd actually do that, I'm not a fan of too much stress).

See you later. :)

Posted on:
Fri, 07/09/2018 - 15:23

He's trying


Thanks for the input Kate. Welcome to the feed. I am working hard on it. The hardest part is that we are coming up on 8 years together, engaged, and I love him to pieces. I have come a long way from where I was when I started this feed, but I still have so much work to do on me. I realized through this last couple of weeks that he enjoys taking me back to where I was. It feeds his fuel to continue to screw up his own life with his cg. That's the cool part about this forum, sharing has enlightened me. Just typing out the story to share reveals to me my own failures and faults in how I deal with him and his addiction. It strengthens me and my resolve to focus on myself and my own healing. I'm not willing to walk away from him and give up on him though, and that's the hard part. Living through the addiction and trying to focus on me, and praying he will surrender to treatment is a very difficult journey. 

Blue - No, I wasn't at work. I was at home sitting at my cozy desk in my dining room. Not the kitchen, but close! lol You were correct about me being home enjoying my coffee and being bombarded with calls and texts. That's something you probably figured was happening at work, since you're not one to even let your personal phone make sound or answer yours predictably. lol Me, I don't miss a call, so everyone calls me first for everything! hahaha...Another one of those "try to fix the world" characteristics in me. So now I'm admitting, I probably overwhelm myself....(see, there's more of that clarity you help me with). If I turned my phone to silent and leave it in the other room, I wouldn't find myself bombarded would I?! (ahhh, I get it now!)Yep, I'm definitely inviting that chaos in with the morning phone distractions. Work in progress, remember..... lol

I'm so glad you get to spend some time with your friend. Those lifelong friends are the best! I have 1. I had a best friend from age 5, that went all the way through school with me as my best friend, and then through adulthood as well. Then, after 35 years of being best friends, she and I disagreed on one of her choices, and she blocked me out of her life. I was angry, hurt, confused, and lost for some time. I mourned it like a death. It was very sad. But then I got angry. How dare you walk out of a lifetime of friendship?! You were my sister, more than my friend! Then I finally let it go. It took me about 2 years to get over that. I still wonder about her and wonder if she misses me. It's been around 4 years I think. 

But that wasn't supposed to be about the bad part of it, it was supposed to be about the good part! I also have a friend that I've been friends with since I was 13 years old, from school. She and I are still very close. Life keeps us busy, but when we do get a chance to hang out, it's like we never missed a minute apart. We talk non-stop and laugh as much too! I look forward to those connections. Good friendship is priceless! 

No worries - in my imagination, you're beautiful. :) Even though you refuse to compliment a single thing about yourself!  

This coffee is exceptionally good this morning, by the way! I make it the same everytime, yet some days it tastes perfect and other days not so much. Oh well, I'll take the good with the bad, even in coffee. lol 

Haha! I picture that pumpkin sitting alone with a sad face. I'm laughing so hard here! You would be the one to stumble accross the lonely pumpkin. lol And when you become a mega millionair from the pumpkin patch you decide to invest in - don't forget that friend in the US! I wonder if my partner thinks I'm a loon?! So many of our conversations cause me to say and do strange things when he and I are out, and he is clueless! Like the pumpkin - I guarantee that when we are out and I see my first pumpkin of the season, I will most definitely start laughing. He will have no understanding of what in the world is so funny. And I won't have any desire to explain to him that it's an inside, joke from across the  

He bought me flowers....on his cc. lol He apologized for being so selfish and promised to try harder. We will see...

Speaking of him....he wakes! Guess I'll go for now. I hope you had a wonderful visit with your friend! Happy Friday Blue!!! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Fri, 07/09/2018 - 18:24



Today I got up one hour earlier than usual because the person who uses to check on the conference rooms before the cleaners are coming in (to make sure there are no dishes or anything standing on the tables, in which case she'd call someone from the cafeteria team at another building to come around and take care of it, it's not the cleaner's job to tidy that up... you know... job description and such) had a day off. I didn't find anything suspicious, btw, and if I would have, I would have done it myself. There's a kitchen and a dishwasher on every floor...
Anyways... this meant starting at 6 am.... (so, in my case... 6:05 am :P).
I volunteered here, I don't mind. It's quite peaceful in the morning. I enjoyed it as usual until our receptionist came in at 8, in a bad mood, ranting about something I didn't even understand. Then she left and slammed the door shut. Well... good morning to you, too!
The summer low is over and people finally have to work again, at least a bit... this seems to cause unexpected levels of stress...

I drink filter coffee from our big machine in the service kitchen, we have a silent agreement with them that we get an extra pot. Nothing special, but okay for me, a fair amount of milk takes the edge of it. I only drink it at work though, never at home.
The morning definately isn't my favourite time to make a phone call, at least not private. I'd always think waking people up would somehow be rude. I myself also wouldn't like that! A very busy lifestyle you have there. Your kitchen in the morning must be like a beehive. :)

Priceless indeed. She definately is. :) Our evening was great as usual, there's always a familarity, that's really rare for me, to be honest. My partner is getting close to that, but apart from them... not even my parents or siblings. Yesterday I suddenly started to wonder if she ever knew that I wasn't really doing well for quite a while (oh dear, my mind sometimes keeps wandering to unexpected places these days...). I never told her and she probably knew better than to ask, but I think on the rare occassions when we saw each other back then, she might have known immediately that I wasn't as carefree as I wanted her to believe.
I have lost a lot of friendships along the way, most of them because of my own actions (and also non-actions), but there are two that I for my part intentionally ended. I can take a lot, I really can, and it took me a while to make that decision, but I finally did. Trust... well... I also know from personal experience how much breaking it can hurt...
I have never lost a word about it, but she also never met up with both of them again. Ever.
I never mourned those friendships, but yes, I sometimes find myself thinking about those 'good old days', and how we made the best of things by just living for the day.
And yes, there was a bit of anger or more like... deep disappointment and, more than anything, wondering about the "why".

It's probably too late to start a pumpkin business this year... we'd have to grow them first. There's a bit of space on my balcony though, I guess they don't fancy planting pots too much. Will put that on my to-do-list for next year. I might even have a shovel somewhere (I once bought it to properly celebrate a budgie's funeral). Mhhh... come to think of it... I have never actually seen a pumpkin plant... so... maybe I'd better make a crash course in botanics first... otherwise we might bring the market for watermelons to a collapse because of excess supply. :P

I know what you mean. I actually smiled when I saw that pumpkin. I was alone, but would anyone have been there, that would have been a funny sight indeed. My colleague was also more than surprised when I asked her about the start of the pumpkin season. It triggered another torrent of words from her, but somewhere in between them she even answered my question and concluded "Huh? What's up? You're very talkative today..."

Today I got told that my s-i-l will come by tomorrow. Great! No idea why, maybe another essay or something... She might even stay overnight. I'm really delighted! :P

Flowers? Calming the waves, eh? Yeh... we will see. :(

Ah, it's Friday, so you had your day off today...
I hope you enjoyed it. :)
My partner will be back from work soon. We were thinking of going to the cinema, but we have very differing views on what's 'watchable' and what's not, so we will probably end up doing something else... or nothing at all. :)

In fact, I just hear the key turning in the lock. That's early...

See ya! :)

Posted on:
Sat, 08/09/2018 - 14:57

He's trying


I use creamer in my coffee as well. Just creamer. Nothing else. I used to use sugar too, but it was one of my sacrifices for the "making healthier choices" lifestyle that I've embraced. I can't beat this weight thing over night. But I can make small changes that will hopefully add up over time. Like walking the cart back to the corral at the grocery store, instead of pushing it into a parking spot or out of the way for one of the employees to gather it when they come outside for cart collection, or choosing no bun when I have a cheeseburger or hotdog, and now - skipping he tablespoon of sugar in my large mug of coffee. I feel like I've made a zillion little changes and kept up on them, but apparently, not enough to see any real progress. I'm going to have to start working on the hard stuff one of these days. ughhh....

Yeah, I think you should study the pumpkin plant. lol I feel like a surplus of watermelon could be disastrous! I'm pretty sure that the pumpkin pie recipe would be a complete failure if you tried it with watermelon. And my front porch would look really funny with a bunch of watermelons with faces carved in them for the Halloween holiday. lol Next year it is. :)

Haha! You're in the "5 minutes late is still on time" club too!!! At my office, my assistant knows not to even bother showing up early. She will find herself sitting in the parking lot waiting....until around 5 after for me to arrive. lol It's the candy crush addiction I tell you! I will intentionally be late for work if I've got a good game going!! lol It's terrible, but I can't get enough of that game. Thankfully, it doesn't cost me anything. Well, except time with family, getting to work on time, and morning productivity around the house. lol 

What did you end up going to see? Thumbs up or down? I'm a movie buff, so I'm always looking for a good one to see. I hope you had a good time out. Sounds like you need some positive reinforcement to prepare you for your overnight guest :p You'll survive it, I'm sure of it. Just focus on the fact that every minute that passes is a minute closer to her exit! lol Maybe she comes bearing good tidings of great joy! Maybe she's decided to give you a beautiful penthouse suite in the city with everything you could ever want in a flat, including a beautiful garden, planted on the private roof, that the grounds keepers maintain. All you'd have to do is watch you pumpkins grow as you sit in a hammock all day and read books :) 

I went to the high school football (US football, not soccer) game yesterday and had a blast watching the kids. We are crazy for our high school football games in our area. You would think it was a NFL game. I hardly have any voice left from screaming and cheering. I went with my son. Both of my sons played when they were in high school, and were team captains. I was a Super Team Mom! So I learned to love the sport and what it does for the teenagers who play it. The discipline and molding that takes place to create a good football player is amazing. My sons started football just as I was divorcing my ex husband, and the ex decided to abandon them as well. So the coaches and the sport became the "man" in their world to teach them how to be young men. Football helped mold my sons into respectable, driven young men. I am grateful for that! After the game, I treated my son to a nice late night dinner out. I enjoyed a steak and potatoes and he had a GIANT cheeseburger and fries. I love to get them out alone like that to connect with them. We had some really good conversation. He was going on and on about how proud he has always been of how hard I worked for him and his brother after the divorce, and how he defends me to the old mutual friends that I had with my ex, who now aren't in my life. He said it's important to him that they know, it wasn't my mom's fault - it was my dads. His dad is active in his life now, Thank God! There is no greater pain than having a parent turn their back on you as a child. I know that all too well. So, I'm glad that they are all better. But it was 5 good years of just me and my boys. I was working from waking until sleeping hours. Much of which, I don't even remember. It was all a blur. But when my son tells me how proud he is of me as a mom and what my sacrifice means to him - it's all worth it! Sorry....I got way off track there...... I had a GREAT Friday night with my son at the football game! lol That's all I meant to say! lol

Time to get started on my Saturday. I don't really have anything important to do. He was mandated to work today, so date day is going to have to be tomorrow. Guess I'll just be lazy. I think that's a good idea! My oldest son called yesterday to tell me that he will be moving back to town. His job on the railroad no longer needs him across the country, so he will be back at his house on Monday, for good. Which means my youngest son, and my niece will be packing up their things and moving back here. My fiance didn't like that news very much. But he knew when he came into this relationship that I was a package deal. My sons come first, and my nieces got a raw deal in life, so I could never abandon them to having nowhere to go. Their parents (my sister and their father) are full blown drug addicts who have ruined their own lives. I can't allow my nieces to suffer any more than the reality of their parents causes them. her big sister enlisted in the army at 18, so she is taking care of herself. I will help this one get on her feet and get a good start in life too. Hell, I've raised her. She's more of a daughter than a niece anyway. But - they were both out of my house since February of this year, so it's been nice having just the fiance and I here. Well, the family is going back to the way we were before and that makes me happy! So he'll have to get over it! I do think I need a break before it hits though! lol 

Have a great Saturday. I look forward to hearing all of the wonderful details of the sil visit....hahahaha! Keep your chin up champ! You can do this!!! lol 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sun, 09/09/2018 - 11:23



No sugar in coffee... same goes for tea. I don't like that. But... How do you eat a cheeseburger or hot dog without a bun? You'd have to eat it with a fork then, wouldn't you? That's just... wrong. :P
But yeh... there are some changes to be made for me aswell in that area. Something else I'm procrastinating on for a while now.

Yeh, next year will be our breakthrough, but I like watermelon. :)
And carving faces in them would be possible. Wrong color though, so... no... this won't sell. :)

5 minutes... well... mostly more like 10, I have a reputation to uphold. :P But it doesn't matter anymore these days, I'm first to arrive at work anyways.
I've always done it like that, never showing up in time, not only at work. Getting up is always a cruel task that needs to be avoided at all costs, but even during the day, arriving in time is something I never manage to do... and don't really care about (quite untypical here, people hate that, but us humans can get used to a lot of things).
I'd also never hurry up or run to catch a bus... meh.
So, yes, late bird here aswell. :)
I've played candy crush aswell for a while, not in the morning though, I need my sleep. :)

I survived it pretty well... she never showed up! :)
She didn't even bother to tell us until abou 10 pm, so we waited all day for nothing. Doesn't matter though, I can live with that. Instead we binge-watched a Finnish series on netflix (modern times, huh? Was a bit uncomfortable on a computer screen, but well...) about the murder of a woman. Got a bit boring at times, with some useless side-stories, but it was okay after all. Everything is better than the alternative would have been... :P
The downside is, he just told me that we have to go visit his parents today (she's there aswell, of course, cheapest way to spend your semester break - without even having to go grocery shopping).
I guess she was just too lazy yesterday and wants us to come to her now. Would also not cost her anything in petrol and she also knows he'd bring some takeaway food with him...
You see, her giving anyone anything is quite unlikely.
So my Sunday won't be a date day...

My first (and only, apart from my current partner) boyfriend played Football in a local sports club. He had a shoulder injury in the short time we were together, so he wasn't allowed to actively play then, but I still had to watch all those NFL games (in the middle of the night here) on pay-TV. I never got my head around this sport... lol. He soon got tired of explaining what the heck they were actually doing there. :P
He also watched Ice Hockey, which I really liked, that was some kind of sport that's definately 'watchable', but Football... :)
We split up after about four months though. Well... I just stopped answering his texts and calls to be honest. I guess I didn't really like the idea of having someone too close in my life. That wasn't really fair on him, I know, I should have at least told him, but well...

Glad to hear you had a good time. I hope your son didn't leave the bun out in his cheeseburger. :)

My mom married someone else shortly after my parents split up. It wasn't the best decision she ever made, but today I see that back then it seemed reasonable to her. My father also disappeared from my life for many years. At the beginning he still cared, at least with seeing us, but that stopped some time later. My parents always tried to avoid blaming each other. This of course didn't always work, but they did their best. The only one always bickering was my grandma, my father's mother. She said what a bad mom she was, always 'neglecting her duties'. Well... she worked, and yes, she wasn't perfect and not what you'd call 'loving and caring' (mhh... I see a pattern here :)) but it was still unfair saying this to a kid.

My partner also is a package deal of some sort. My sil lived with us for about two months when she had an internship in this area. It was exhausting, I really hated having someone around me all day, to be honest, I never said a word, but it got me into some really bad mood, it kind of drove me mad. I guess it would have been different though if it was one of my sisters, still weird, but I'd have done it less reluctantly (I never said that I didn't like it, but I guess he knows that). My partner... well... he would do that for anyone, no questions asked. We are quite different there. Me... he got me alone... and only me. You won't see much of my family around. :) This sometimes confuses him, even nowadays. "Why don't we go and visit your sister on Saturday?" We are getting along well these days, but still, we are all not very close, least of all me. I did a good job in burning bridges, and even before that I wasn't really close to anyone. Reading about strong family bonds is a positive. I never had that, apart from maybe my sister when we were still younger.
With my mother... if I meet her somewhere or call her on her birthday, the conversation lasts about two minutes and has some strips of complete silence in it until we decide to say "see ya". It's not one sided. She thinks the same, I guess. If we have something to actually talk about, it's better, but smalltalk simply doesn't work.
You are the center of your universe and I am the black sheep. I sometimes wish I could do more, but well... I guess that's just how it is.

He's at home searching for flats again... oh dear... I had to skip that. "This is really cheap, where's the trick here?"
My battery is low, so I guess I have to go back and help him on that one to get him back to reality. :)
Otherwise this will end in another useless trip around the city...

Not looking forward to the evening, but his parents will be around, that's a positive. I like them very much, even if it sometimes doesn't seem like it...

Take care and I hope your Sunday will go well. :)

Posted on:
Sun, 09/09/2018 - 15:42

He's trying


Flat shopping on a Sunday. That sounds like the makings of a catchy song. lol I bet you could write a very entertaining verse or two! lol 

When visiting the sil, just remember, she could be asking to come and live with you...and you'll feel better about the visit :p

I'm so sorry that you don't have a close relationship with your family. But I'm not so sure if that's the right sentiment. I'm not so sure that effects you negatively. I have the exact opposite with my family and can't imagine it any other way, so it makes me sad that you don't have it. But if this is the best arrangement for you in your ideal life, then who am I to think it's not perfect for you? I hope it is. I hope that it's not you desiring to have a close relationship and don't. I know that would suck bad! You deserve happiness, in whatever form that may be! 

Trust me, the no bun thing is a tough adjustment! Taking a cheeseburger or hotdog and making it a knife and fork meal, instead of a dripping down your arm, wide mouth opening, delicious bite from your hands is tough! I still slip up and eat buns sometimes. Like if we go to a takeout restaurant, I eat the bun :) I cooked hotdogs yesterday and I ate the buns! They were delicious too! I made the hotdogs and the onion rings in my air fryer and they were amazing! The hotdogs came out like they had been fried in oil, but not! They were casing franks, so the skin got very crispy and delicious! Put them on a bun, and it's like a gourmet meal! lol

So he hit a small amount on Friday. It was $290 US. Enough to pay half of his cc debt off and take care of a bill or 2. That was his plan anyway. Instead, he blew it. And so the cycle continues. I HATE when he wins any money! It feeds his fire. So, rather than allow myself to stress  about it, I just haven't concerned myself with it at all. Neither celebrating nor nagging. I just don't respond. He really does try very hard to include me in his mess. He really does try to pull me in so that I will harp on him and make myself crazy worrying. I think it's bs! When he did start dumping his "Oh look what happened, yay me"! stuff, I simply replied: "2 months ago, you said I needed to work on my own happiness, and you were going to work to get better, for us".  "As of right now, you have bigger debt, and less cash on hand than ever, including 2 months ago". "So, who's doing the hard work here? Where is your progress or change"? And I was done with the conversation. I don't want to be drug into the pit with him anymore. I'm a fixer. As soon as I get down there with him, I try to think of ways to fix him, and us. I'd rather not. If it's to succeed, it will. If it's to fail, it will. I realize that now. I just have to work on my world. If he stays in it and gets better, yay! If he gets worse and doesn't stay, I need to keep my best foot forward for the journey. Focus!

I went to the store yesterday. Yes, I actually walked into a store! I did look on Amazon 1st though, and realized that ceiling fans are probably something I should look at up close and personal. So I did! I bought 2 new fans with light fixtures to mount to my ceilings and get rid of the overhead lights that are so very old in my house. Now I'm praying that I can wire them right, and not burn my house down. lol I think I've googled enough videos to be educated on it. I can do it! I once (actually like 3 times) used google and youtube videos to repair my washer and dryer! I replaced a moter and a seal in the washer, and the dryer heater core. I also installed 2 new light switches using google and youtube! I've correctly diagnosed 3 of my nieces car issues using it too! lol Who needs to hire professionals - just youtube it! Heck, who needs school, or training, just youtube it! lol Just joking, I don't profess to be a pro and I certainly wouldn't do a lot of things that need done. But when I can "do-it-yourself" a project and save hundreds of dollars, I'm going to try it! lol 

Ice Hockey over Football??!!! I believe we have reached an impass here..... You don't like football??!!! I would have rather learned that you didn't know what it was!!!! Oh the agony of this knowledge to my soul.... lol We have a lot of ice hockey fans here too. My friends from the upper northern part of the US LOVE ice hockey. They are constantly posting pictures of themselves at the games. My sons watch it, but more for the fighting and teeth getting busted out portion than for the actual sport of it, I think. lol  If I'm being honest, I don't really care for the NFL much either. I'd rather not have my television filled with sports all weekend. I am a super fan of any sport my sons play. That's what I am, actually. So, Friday nights under the lights watching the high school kids play football with my sons. Cheering for our alma matter (I graduated from the same school) and bonding with my sons is probably the draw for me. 

Was/is your step father a good man? I hope he is good to you and your siblings. My mom never remarried. I think it was because of us. We made her life hell when she would try to talk to someone else. We chased every one of them away. Until the point where she just accepted that she couldn't have a boyfriend. She just committed her life to us. I regret being that thorn in her side when she was trying to find a good man. She deserved to be cared for and loved by a good partner. We messed that up for her. So, since you don't have a close relationship with your family, who is your confidant? Who is your secret keeper? Who is your person that will love and support you no matter what? My mom was that for me. When she passed away, I lost that. I miss it dearly. I treasured her. I do hope you have known/or know that kind of relationship in your life. It doesn't have to be your parent or siblings, but I hope you have someone that you can run to with anything, who will just drop everything and support you, right or wrong. We all should know that feeling. 

I feel like you bring a special light to the world. One that deserves to shine brightly! Your view of the world is quirky and fun :) I hope that those people in your life appreciate that about you. I do! 

Time to start calling my son and bothering him non-stop until he comes over with the ladder that I need to install these ceiling fans. I can be a real bother when I want to! Plus, my oldest son is moving back tomorrow! So, my youngest will be moving back home today. We are so happy to have my oldest home again! It's been 7 months! It's bittersweet though, since he has to leave the girl that he met and fell in love with there. The state he was living in is 12 hours away from us. She told him that she would quit her job and relocate here with him, since he wants to make her his wife. But she is putting in a 1 month notice to her job. I'm not sure that's her actual plan. She may be just trying to put some time and space between them to make breaking up with him easier. Time will tell. Either way, I'm glad he's home. I hope he realizes that he needs to be near his family and doesn't decide to pack up and leave us to live there if she decides she's not moving here. I would just die! I can't imagine my baby living that far away from me permanently. Let alone, the grandchildren they will have for me will be raised on the other side of the country :( I don't even want to entertain those thoughts....CEILING FANS! 

I'm going to get busy on my handywoman jobs. Time to bug my son! Have a good visit with the inlaws. Remember, she could be coming to live with you. An afternoon at the inlaws with her is a piece of cake! lol 

Be blessed! 


Posted on:
Mon, 10/09/2018 - 11:58



Ughh... We were home at about midnight and went to bed. I woke up an hour ago and couldn't get back to sleep, so now it's sometime around 5:30 and I will start to write a bit, but probably won't get it done until I have to get up shortly after 6.

He called them regardless. So we ended up flat shopping on our way to my in-laws. It's very close to where I have lived when I had my own little flat with that dark-blue bathroom. "You know the area, you have lived here." Yes, I do. More or less. Haven't been out much...
It was okay, but we'd have to move in at the 15th October, which means we'd have to pay both rents for three months. We have three months period of notice in this one and September has already begun...
Doable, but still... that aside I'd have to do all the renovations in both flats, again, as I did the last time, because he will change jobs at the 1st November and therefore won't be able to take some days off until next year... how convenient! :P
We have to think about this later, it's not decided yet.

The visit was okay. My partner and her nearly got into a fight. She and the other sister are the only ones who can get him that far, he's a bit like me when it comes to that. She started one of her endless self-pity speeches about how everyone and everything has always been against her and the teachers at school always hated her. After a while I couldn't take it anymore and actually said "Yeh... as a grown-up adult you certainly have a lot of reasons to hate an eight year old child with a passion. That makes perfect sense. Every single teacher did. I get that." She then told us how hard it was always being compared to her brother (he's four years older), to which he just replied "Yeh, I also wouldn't like to be compared to myself." Ouch. That took her off. "You ******* think I'm stupid!" Oh dear... on we go. Cruel world is just a big conspiracy against her... has always been.
He stepped back and let her go on. It would have been a waste of time, absolutely boring and definately not on eye level. It would have upset her even more. Been there, done that.
As soon as she got enough compassion from her parents she stopped it and we went back to normal. Oh well...

It's never really affected me negatively, it's just the way it is. I couldn't imagine having them around as often as my partner does. I sometimes wonder if I should though, not because I desire it, but more because my partner thinks I should see them more. It's just something he can't really get his head around. Why do I never even call or visit?
"Shouldn't we go over to your mother's?" - "Why?" - "It's her birthday." - "Yeh, but I doubt that she's at home now, I called her earlier."
My in-laws and my father have never met. They have met my mother and my stepfather once, at our wedding (my father didn't attend). We are together (with a break, obviously) for 18 years now.
We see his parents and siblings at least twice per month, mostly more often than that.
I'm fine with that, but I'm also fine with the way it is for me.

Mhh... I'm definately content and grateful with what I have and how things are. Happiness? That's a good question. I definately know what the opposite of it looks like, so yeh, I guess I am, most of the time. :)
And... it's on me to change the things I don't like... right?

Anyways, wrong place for this. My alarm just rang... for the third time. I have to get up now and shower, late as usual, time to start another week. I hope they have by now pulled themselves together. I've had enough bickering at the weekend.


Lunch break. Now I've got a bit of time on my hands, about 15 minutes. I needed to get out, it was awkwardly silent, I usually prefer that, but given the reason, I didn't really enjoy it. The show goes on. I guess it's time for vacation for them...

I still can't believe that no-bun thing. This is just so wrong... lol. As you said... there is no point in eating that without it.

Yeh... the cycle continues. Neverending story. Maybe we can get more out of this, to pay it all off at once... now that would be great, wouldn't it?
You are right, strangely, winning is even worse than losing. Gives you a feeling of invincibility somehow. Until it's all gone, and even more. That enthusiasm never lasts long.

Wiring those fans shouldn't be too hard. My flat was a mess, nothing worked. Some sockets and switches were missing, all the taps were dripping and some of the wiring ended in a dead end. A lot to do, but I appreciated that distraction, it was very welcome. I knew how to do it though. If you use a youtube video, don't forget to turn off the fuse. :)
DIY is faster and of course cheaper, who wants to wait for a professional? :P

As a matter of fact, with Football, I still don't really know the rules there... it's just weird. :) Strange that they constantly interrupt the game... that's annoying.
It's of course different if you know the people who play, that's much more fun and it doesn't really matter what is actually played.

My stepfather... well... they split up recently... should have done this a long time ago. He wasn't physically violent, if that's what you mean. He just was a wannabe authoritarian piece of ****. My sister moved out when she was 15, it was hard for her to just take it. I ignored him for years. It drove me away from home, that's for sure. No way to have any kind of reasonable conversation. He just ordered things.
Confidant? Secret keeper? No. Don't think I have that. I probably could, but I never do. What's there to talkbabout anyways? People use to unlaod such things on me sometimes. That's weird. I never ask for that.
Oh well... I'm here in my world and people got used to me by now. That's okay for me. :)

Of course they will move to your area. How could they go without you? :)

My collegue just searched for recipes and told me "Everytime I see a pumpkin it reminds me of you..."
I don't know if I should feel offended by that. I've been called a lot of things... but a pumpkin... mhh... that's new! Those will soon start to haunt me in my dreams... lol

Had to type this in a hurry, will have more time later.
I hope it all went well with your DIY. I'm pretty sure it did, actually. :)

Good morning. :)

Posted on:
Mon, 10/09/2018 - 15:13

He's trying


You have got to figure out how to get more sleep at night! That little sleep can't be good for your body, or your mind. That makes me sad that you're running on a few hours of sleep everyday. I'd be a lazy, non-productive piece of dirt if that were me. I need at least 7-8 good hours, and then sometimes find myself wanting to get a nap (rarely, but sometimes). You know, doing that for too long can cause you become physically sick too. Maybe try having a shot of liquor or a mixed drink before bed (a hot toddy tea perhaps). Sounds like you're going to need to be in tip-top shape mentally and physically for the new flat You are so tolerant! He is so blessed. 

Your sil sounds just like my sister (I only have 1 sister and 1 brother btw) and her youngest daughter. Everything and everyone in this world is against her. She is a survivor of everyone and everything trying to destroy her or make her fail. Every failure in her world is someone else's fault. It's exhausting! My niece tries to pull that stuff with me, and I will stop her in mid-meltdown to give her a reality check. "Stop that boohooing...Poor me, Oh why me? ****!" Life is unfair sometimes. Suck it up, figure out your plan, and stick to your guns. Fight through the hard times, and celebrate your victories. But most of all, don't forget to reflect on YOUR OWN fault in this failed (whatever it is today)!!! We all wish life were easy and that we could have everything that we desire. But the truth is, hard work and sacrifice come in to play. Both of which, neither my sister or her daughter are willing to do! lol I was never fortunate enough to have someone else to blame if things went bad. I had no one to call to dig me out of the pit. My mother was poor. My father was absent. I was the oldest, so I had no siblings to call on. Well, when we were younger that is. I can call on my brother now that he's grown and established. But probably never would. I have always been a survivor. I have to make the hard choices and do the extra work to assure that me and mine will be ok. But isn't that what we're supposed to do? Not that constant babbling about how unfair and unkind the world is?! My favorite phrase is "Suck it up Buttercup!" That's the response for all of the crybabies in my life. lol I'm glad you had a good visit otherwise though. 

No, I was not implying that your step dad was violent. I was simply asking if he was a good man to your mom and her children. Your reply told me the answer. Ughh...there's nothing worse than a power hungry, verbally abusive man. My father was that man, in addition to a physically abusive a******! He was a monster. Just evil! 

I'm glad that you're happy with the relationship of you and your family. That's all that matters. We all have our journeys and different ideas of happiness. I couldn't be without my family on a regular basis. But that doesn't make either of us right or wrong. Whatever makes you happy is good. It is just strange to someone like me who is close to mine. Probably the same reason your partner tries to encourage you to be closer with yours, he just doesn't get it. Kind of like the fact that you don't eat delicious, sweet, fluffy whipped topping....that just doesn't make any sense to me! lol  To each their own though, right?!  

Yep, I've given up any bit of hope for him to get help. I'm only fooling myself. Him winning that money was a complete reset for him. So, in the end the only person that worked on anything was me, of course. But hey, when he finds himself out of my life and me moved on and happy, maybe then he'll realize what he had to lose. He's a CG in the worst way. He's even gambling on our relationship and how far he can push me before I break. He's gambling on whether his gambling will end us or not. He doesn't even see that though I don't stress him about his gambling, and we're arguing much less, my resentment and disdain for him continue to grow. There will come a day when I'm tired. Once I've become tired, I will walk and never look back. That's who I am. He's betting it all on red, so to speak. But the house always wins! Why can't he understand that?! grrrrr.....

My ceiling fans look amazing! But what should have been a 2 hour job turned into a 7 hour job! This house is SO OLD that the wiring is not what you'd expect when you get into the ceiling and walls. So, we had mounting issues, wiring issues, power issues, remote control issues, and I had 2 men (my son and fiance) who could only help in shifts, because it was football Sunday. How dare I plan this project on football Sunday?!! What was I thinking?!! So I just kept punching along, and guilted them into helping :p In my world, it was a perfect day to do it. It was our postponed date day, so I didn't have to cook dinner (he bought). The house is clean from my vacation, so all I had to do was sit around. Good day to do a DIY project to improve my home! And boy did they improve it! They look (and feel) amazing! Now, I just need to keep my fingers crossed and my nose operating good to smell any smoke or burning plastic, just incase I screwed something I'm sure I didn't.....I think....(sniff, sniff)

This is such a weird morning. Today is the first day of my new schedule. At the request of our main funding agency, my business is now opening from 1pm-7pm on Mondays. So we offer an evening once per week. Apparently, there's a population of people I may be missing who work daytime hours....we shall see. So my alarm went off this morning and here I am wide awake. I think I'll enjoy this though. 1:00 is the time I find myself ready to get motivated on my days off. It extends my already long 3 day weekend to almost a 4 day weekend. I'll go into work more motivated and ready for the day. This could be a good thing. 

So my oldest son called yesterday to check in and we talked about him moving back to town. I told him that if that girl decides to relocate for him, she's probably the one he should marry. He said if she does, that we should start saving for a trip to Italy. He said that they've already talked about it (nothing official or anything) and they will go to Italy to be married with just their closest family members. Then they will return to the states to have a hog roast for their reception. It's so funny that he wants that for his wedding. It perfectly fits his genetic makeup. His father is Italian and I am Hillbilly Redneck (slang term for country folk). So the perfect wedding for his Italian side is Italy, and the perfect reception for his hillbilly side is a hog roast. lol Incase you don't know what a hog roast is, it's where we take a whole hog, gut it, and slow roast it on a spit, outside, for hours and hours. Then you just cut into the hog and eat a chunk. DELICIOUS! I've probably just spoiled your appetite for the day, sorry. lol Along with the hog, you have lots of sides like corn on the cob, vegetables, casseroles, breads, and LOTS OF BEER. Usually on a farm with the shelter for the party being a big red barn. But the party is an outside party for sure. It's a really fun time! So, I may be needing that passport afterall. I may be able to check one of those items off of my bucket list and go to Italy <3 But first, I need this girl to be a good option for him to marry. She better be! 

I think you're just going to have to break down and make the pumpkin pie! That may be your million dollar business there! If you don't see them there, then they will be new to your area. They may be a huge hit and you can quit your job and just stay home and bake pies all day and make lots and lots of money! lol Then people all over will think of you everytime they see a pumpkin! I have your slogan - "Jana pumpkin pie?" If I'm pronouncing your name right (YAH-na), then it sounds like "You want a pumpkin pie?" Just slurred a bit as if you were  There, I've come up with the product, and the slogan. Remember, don't forget me when you make it to the rich club! lol

Time to get motivated. Coffee is gone, I've typed you a book to read, and there are candies just waiting to be crushed! I hope you have a great week. Mondays always suck. But on the bright side, by the time you read this, yours will be almost over! 

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Mon, 10/09/2018 - 18:23



Yeh, my sleeping pattern is a bit messy. I don't know if a shot of liquor would help though. My partner would definately have a word with me if I did that every evening. :P
He really wants to move in there... as he wanted the last time... I'm not convinced. I don't really like changes.
I don't know if he'd agree with being blessed here. Probably not. He'd just tell you that I can be difficult, but he got used to me by now. :)
I think that's a slight exaggeration. Just because I refuse to take a day off to sign for the arrival of a chair he ordered online without thinking too far ahead... tze...

Yes, that sounds like her. Not even in her wildest dreams would she ever consider that some things could actually be solved by herself and that sometimes life can be a matter of 'you get out what you put in'. Action und reaction. No. The universe just owes her. Everyone else is to blame. If others are doing well, it's not because they actually did something to get there, but because life is just unfair and everyone hates her or is involved in a conspiracy.
I usually can't be arsed to even comment on that, I'd always risk having to actually laugh or sound too flippant, which would cause her throwing a fit. Yesterday was an exception, she didn't even get it though. I expected that much, that's why I took the risk and my partner was smart enough not to comment on what I said.

He never got offensive or shouty, he was just insisting on being 'the boss' and behaved accordingly. Him trying to be strict was just plain stupid, especially with my sister, being the hot-tempered person that she is, it always let to full confrontation. I just turned around and left, she was never able to do that. So it always ended in a fight and my mother never ever challenged him, which was even worse. As I mentioned somewhere earlier, this took years to get back to an acceptable level. Today they can sit in the same room, they will never be friends though.
My mother just ignored it and mostly sided with him. Path of the least resistance. Was she happy? I really don't know.

I also gambled with my relationship. And I lost in the end. Nothing mattered to me in that moment of time. How far can I push it? Will I get away with my lies again? Anything to be able to go on and be left alone. Problem is I never saw it coming. I pushed and pushed. To finally see it I needed to get there, to have nothing left to rely on. It really makes me sad reading about what's happening to you. Not an easy place to be. It's such a vicious, cold and careless addiction.
But there's nothing anyone can do and it's a good thing seeing you enjoying yor life regardless. Chins up... :)

Btw... regarding DIY tasks... just buy some smoke detectors... or a dog. That way your house won't burn down in case you missed something important.

They've got a point there with the daytime hours. It's annoying having to take a day off because you can't have an appointment at a later time... and I only work 7 to 3. I usually don't do that. If I have to take a day off, I won't do it - no matter what it is.

I know hog roast (it's got a different name here)... I find that creepy. Do you also stick an apple into its mouth? *shudders
A friend of mine (the one with the au-pair) recently did that for his 40th. Along with beer, a live band and benches in the garden. I was glad he had some potatoes and a range of desserts. :)
Italy sounds great. Don't get lost in Rome though, I tell you. That can get pretty stressful for others. :P
I just wanted to say that you don't need a passport there, but well... I then realized that you do. -.-
Fabulous food there and a lot of ancient history and buildings all over the place. Have you ever been to Europe before?
If that marriage gets you an opportunity to travel to this part of the world, it must be a good thing, right? :)

Me baking pies? I'd better not rely on that plan. Noone would eat them, branding them with my name would be bad for business. No riches to gain here, I'm afraid. Unfortunately people here know (and fear) my shortcomings regarding cooking. :)
We'd need a cover story for a marketing strategy.

You don't pronounce it like 'Jane'. The J is more like the Y in 'yellow'. Mhh... and the A is not like 'ay' more like A in 'mask', so it would be 'Ya-na'.
If that makes sense... lol

By the time I read your post I sat on my couch, that's true. Work was long over and I survived another day at the last relic of the 80's. :)

I've had another one of those weird situations yesterday when we were in a shop to get some takeaway food on our way to the in-laws. For some reason they don't deliver and at the weekends you sometimes have to wait for ages. People still accept the waiting times, it's pretty popular around that area. We ordered and then went outside to wait. Usually they come out to tell you when it's ready, but he got impatient after a while and we went in to have a look. He then said "Heya... do you remember that day back then at the restaurant when you won on that machine and then spent some time trying to figure out how to cash out your winnings?"
"Yes, I do...."
"How does it work, I wonder? I have some change."
Then he pointed to the corner.
No. *******. Way.

How could I ever forget this day? It will haunt me for the rest of my life... and he even remembered it. He went over and really did it... him!
I walked back out saying "Come on. Really?"
"Yeh, why not?"
"Have fun."
We have been in there a hundred times before, but yesterday my partner threw 50 cents into that ******* machine!
He was somehow disappointed when he got back outside, thank god he lost it pretty fast. But hey... that sight wasn't pleasant, it really wasn't...

I sometimes wished it was as it used to be before I started to look back. Such things never happened!

Anyways. Just some random thoughts that don't really belong here. That was probably just to tell you why I'm not so chatty today. Oh well... nevermind.

I need to make up some excuses not to move there before he gets home and starts planning...

Hope you enjoyed your late start.
Take care. :)

Posted on:
Tue, 11/09/2018 - 14:15

He's trying


Oh Blue...I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry that those feelings found their way back into your mind :( You did well though! You remained poised and focused on the bad that was attached to that machine. Good job! That story could have gone WAY different. Don't beat yourself up. You did great. I understand that frustration, especially when he doesn't understand what he's doing by involving you in it. That's the secret coming out to remind you it's still there....but that's for you to deal with on your own time. I'm not pushing or judging. 

And all of your random thoughts belong here! We are sharing and supporting. No need to censor your thoughts (only your swearing lol). I'd hate to get kicked out and lose touch with you! How would I ever be able to enjoy my morning coffee again??!!! It would be tragic!!! 

Excuses....hmmmm.....I've grown quite fond of this flat. This flat makes me feel closer to you. We've built a home here. It makes me so sad to think of not waking up in this flat ever again. I'm afraid that starting over somewhere else could drive a wedge between us. Just a few ideas for

Ohpp...I have to close. My oldest son is home :) He just walked in the door. I'll get back to you soon. Have a great day my friend! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Tue, 11/09/2018 - 17:31



Back to my couch. :)

He wouldn't believe that I got fond of this flat... of any flat. I don't really care, I just don't like moving and changes. I told him I won't go without a parking space. Unfortunately he rang them today and it's got one... -.-
He texted me all day that we'd need to get a printout of our credit scores for the application. That's normal. You probably have that too, I guess. It shows your credit rating. Here it's on a scale from 0 to 100. In our case, his would be more important than mine, which most likely wouldn't even be needed at all. He has the higher income, even more so because of our taxation system (as a single person I'd have about 400€ more and he'd have about 600€ less).
"Could you get that?"
"Yours would be important, not mine, and you have a day off tomorrow anyways because of your chair. Go there. Or get it online as a pdf if that's enough for them. They'll charge a fee though."
"Really? Wtf? I'm just eating, my fingers are sticky."
He has never done that before. I sometimes wonder how he managed to make it to his age. :P

Seems like he's determined here... oh well...

Your son came to visit in the morning? I'd have thrown him out... lol.
That would be absolutely inacceptable for me and noone would ever bother trying a surprise visit here. I don't even open the door if I don't feel like doing it, let alone let someone in when I just got up. I'd be too sleepy to have a conversation anyways. You are just too kind and tolerant. Lol. :)

It usually wasn't much of a problem for me, at least not the times before when we went there to buy takeaway food, I never saw anyone actually using it. For me, after I stopped, the really 'dangerous' thoughts only ever creeped in when I was alone on my own with nothing to distract me. I've never gambled in company (well, people I know personally, that is, you know what I mean), I would have been too ashamed and embarassed to have anyone know. Back then I used to think that the only thing that could stop me in my tracks would be someone I know seeing me, that thought really scared me. It surprisingly never happened though, so I honestly don't have a clue if that's actually true. Either way... staying in there with him wasn't an option.
For a brief momemt I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, but then I quickly reminded myself that it's just him doing it only once whilst passing his waiting time, and that he's nothing like me, the sick pathetic addict, and that there is a huge difference between those two kinds of characters, and just walked out so that I wouldn't have to see (and hear) it.
When he came out he was like "That went fast. Don't even know what happened there. Weird. That's boring."
"I guess. I hope you took the sauce without garlic. That would earn you a spot on the couch tonight."
You're absolutely right. It hit home and he probably wouldn't have done this if he knew. Oh dear...
It all showed once again that there is no end date to this. Happily ever after... not really.
I hope I'll never get a repeat of this. I'll gladly take a pass!

I think our receptionist might be sick tomorrow. She spent all day pressing cold packs to her face and arm. If I remember it correctly, after my colleague asked her what's wrong, she said something about a food intolerance that made her lip and wrist swell.
Her lip looked like the one of a boxer because she obviously forgot to put a towel between it and the pack at night, which made her skin stick to it in the morning when she woke up. Honestly? You just can't make that one up.
"Did you get into a fight lately?"
"No. It was an allergic reaction to iceberg lettuce."
God, have mercy!

Laundry again, huh...? I guess it's time to call my partner's mate if his au-pair might like to come around for that (and a drink afterwards of course, I'm not mean afterall)... and bring some washing detergent along, this could run short... :P

See ya. :)

Posted on:
Wed, 12/09/2018 - 14:15

He's trying


Haha! So kind of you to offer the au-pair a drink after the laundry is finished. lol You really are such a sweetheart. lol

Maybe the new flat will be a wonderful place. I'm not a fan of change either. But I do find that most of the time it brings good things. It's just getting through the whole "changing" part that's hard. 

You're right, I was confused by your taxing system. So were you saying that because you make less, they take more of your pay for taxes, and because he makes more, they take less of his? And I've forgotten where the keys are on my keyboard to make that euro No time to google this morning - got a late start. 

Yep, my house would drive you insane! Most people have been instructed to just walk in. If they are family, they don't need to knock. And none of them call before arriving. They just show up. The only time it becomes troubling for me is if we are about to have dinner and I haven't prepared enough to offer them a plate. Then I am anxious because I won't eat in front of them, and my whole dinner will sit in the kitchen getting cold while they visit, or I end up splitting my meal to accomodate them. Fat girls do not like to share our food! lol

Allergic to iceburg lettuce? That's a strange one. It's all water. there's really nothing to it. hmm....I have to admit, I probably would have laughed my head off if I'd have seen her. I have a terrible nack for laughing at people's misfortunes. Even when I know it has to the accidental falling....cracks me right up! Poor girl. (snicker, snicker)

I just had to change a load. My youngest moved back home with 3 trashbags full of dirty laundry! My entire washer and dryer are packed full of clothes. He assumes that putting the clothes into the machines is the final step of doing his own laundry. He has a rude awakening coming when he gets off work today! I want every stitch of those clothes on hangers and hung where they go. The one thing I did enjoy when they were at my oldest son's house for the past 8 months is not having to do the extra Mommy stuff. Then I realized - HE IS 22 YEARS OLD. He can do his own damn laundry - he's managed for 8 months to get it done! Rules changed in my house that moment! I told him, listen kid - it's time to grow up and make yourself an asset to me when here, not a burden. If it needs done - do it! Don't wait for me to ask for help. Period! We'll see how that goes...

I was so angry yesterday! I got home from work and the ceiling fan in the livingroom had stopped working! I had to take the entire thing apart and rewire it and rehang it. As if the 3 times each I had done this with the 2 fans on Sunday weren't enough! I was furious!! But it's working again. Thank God! 

Well I hate to be short again, but I've had a really late start to my day and must get moving. I hope you have a great day. DON'T FORGET THAT CREDIT REPORT! lol 

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Thu, 13/09/2018 - 11:56



Good morning.
A short one from me aswell today.
The whole day is filled with stupid meetings. Dreaded Thursday...

My partner had a day off yesterday so I have been busy... more or less. In fact... he even picked me up from work after he got his package at the post office that arrived the day before when noone was home. He helped crowdfunding some weird zombie boardgame that's now finally been published. Given that it got delivered from the US, that was fast. Needless to say I had to play it yesterday... -.-
Oh well... things you do for love. :P

But first, of course, I had to help him set his chair together.
I just asked my colleague what that means in English. She googled it. Thanks. Bad idea. "Did you buy something at Ikea?"
Oh dear. Then she went on about her daughter's bed and how her boyfriend and his mates failed on that task, and then returned it. I decided it was time to leave for my break.

He got that report for himself (that should be enough) and sent an application. Oh well...

Yeh, taxation here is weird. There are 6 different possibilities

- single parents
- married, higher (or sole) income
- single person
- married, both earn about the same
- married, lower income
- second job

from lowest tax rates for a single parent to highest for a second job. 3 and 4 are equal rates. I have the second worst tax class here, but our total income still is more than if we'd both get taxed as if we'd earn the same. That would be better for me alone, but not in total. We could chose that though, if we wanted.
I'm more than fine with how it is. :)

Sounds like my in-laws. Everyone has a key for their house. People sometimes even drop by when they are not in. They don't care. That would drive me mad. Their 'kids' also tend to empty the fridge while they're there. :P
Can't happen to me. No food available. Wanna eat? See what you can find. :)

My partner wouldn't even put it in the washer. His responsibility ends the moment he drops his clothes on the bedroom floor. So you can still consider yourself lucky there...

With your fan... now you at least know how to do it. You could start a side business as a fan installer. :)

I need to get back, believe it or not, I actually do have some work to do. Summer low is over.

Have a nice day. :)

Posted on:
Thu, 13/09/2018 - 13:42

He's trying


You build chairs too?! We are quite a pair, you and I! We are DIY experts! But, for me, only if I can youtube the video of someone else doing it! And I'm also one to follow those instructions No shortcuts, no guessing, follow those steps! lol It drives the men in my house bonkers to build things with me. You know, men think there's always an easier way to build things. You don't need those stupid instructions! It's ok if there are spare pieces when you're done! The manufacture meant for that to happen.....ughhhh!

I'm pretty busy today too. I feel like this has been the longest work week ever! I think its the hours change on Mondays. It feels like I've not stopped go, go, going. And we have our Recovery Walk on Saturday. I do look forward to it, but having to wake up at 7:00am on Saturday to have enough time to drink my coffee and get to the walk by 8:30 sucks! It'll be an even longer week after doing that! But its an awesome event. Its the community gathering to celebrate those people who are successfully living in recovery with mental illness or drug/alcohol addiction. We have a short walk to a park and then a rally where everyone celebrates and local dignitaries speak, and the directors of the agencies (like me) take the microphone and tell the community about our services and how proud we are to represent the success of our services. It's fun! They do a balloon (biodegradable balloons) release for those who we've lost in the battle for recovery. Then they do a count-down. This is where they ask who has 60+ years sober. That person (or people) will raise their hand. They will determine who has the highest amount of years based on who raises their hands for 60+. Then they start counting down from that highest number and asking people who has 50, 49, 48 etc. until they reach the person who has 1 day, or 1 hour sober. Then the person with the longest time offers the person with the shortest time advice, to attend an Alcoholics/Addicts Annonymous meeting with them, and the 12-steps to recovery book, also known as The Big Book. It's a very popular self-help, peer support book for those who are trying to get clean and sober and stay that way. Do you know of the 12-step program there? Its a very powerful event. It touches alot of people. We spend alot of time focusing on all of the losses. And right now, in America, heroin is killing our people by the truckloads everyday. It's terrible! Suicide is another one that is wiping us out, on the mental illness side. So taking a break from all of the doom and gloom to celebrate those who are fighting to not be another statistic is very moving! 

Wow! I get started talking about recovery and mental illness and get lost rambling on and on. Sorry!

So your partner is about to break into the millionair's club! Getting rich off of the game he created! Yay for him! Don't forget your long lost poor friend in the US when you hit the big time! Is the game available in the US? Is it a board game or an electronic game? What's it called? I'll buy a copy and support your millionair status! 

Well, time to crush my candy and get ready for my day full of adventure and fun....not. lol Work calls. I must answer. lol

Don't forget to stop and smile in the middle of all of the chaos of your busy day! :)

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Thu, 13/09/2018 - 16:59



My day wasn't too busy. I always do my best to not let it get that far.
Stress is unhealthy, afterall. :)

I do a lot of guessing... problem is... so does he... so it mostly ends in me just leaving the room and ignore him cursing.
And he's mostly the one who has pieces left afterwards. "Na... we don't need this, we can do without."
Why don't you just say that you'd never admit you forgot about it and are now too lazy do redo it from scratch? :P

Walking on a Saturday morning at 8:30? No, thanks, I'd skip that one. I'd make an excuse that I overslept, which, in fact, wouldn't even be a lie. :)
On the other hand... it's for a good purpose, so I might make an exception there... if I can squeeze in a nap afterwards, that is.

60+ years is a lot of time. Some days ago at work (wasn't so busy back then :P) I read a post of a guy who had his last bet in 1985. He had since then become an alcoholic, which he stopped in 1997, and is now struggling with an eating disorder. He is a nice person, still engaging in community services, the local church, different self-help groups and attends fairs to make people aware of those who suffer in silence. Sometimes it's just unthinkable how much **** life can throw at people. A person like him, still constantly questioning himself, unable to take credit for his own actions or see the good in himself. That's so incredibly wrong...
A funny, pleasant and thoughtful person. I remember him writing "My favourite one of the self-assessment questions always was 'Did you ever spend more time gambling than you intended to?' - NO! - It was the core of my existance, afterall. The rest of the boxes ticked though."
That made me laugh.

I guess everyone has somehow heard of AA. Unfortunately, most see it as a group of grumpy low-life middle-aged men who sit in school gyms and cold churches in a circle of plastic folding chairs, eat cookies and talk about God. I always found that kind of inappropriate. No matter how you do it, the outcome is what counts - staying away from what destroys you and controls your actions and getting your life back on track, and most importantly - make it stay that way. But I have to admit that until a few months ago I didn't even know that those groups are all based on a program that includes those 12 steps. It's kind of well-established when dealing with addiction of any kind, because it's all the same principle, no matter what your 'vice' is. You never stop learning, I guess.

So... well... yes. I've heard of it. :)

No need to apologize. It's nice to see that you are giving these people a voice and speak up for those who can't or don't dare doing it on their own, make people aware of the faces that belong to all those statistics and dark figures. I admire that. I wouldn't have the strength to do it, because I'm really bad at expressing compassion and speaking up. Talking in front of a crowd would make my knees tremble, most of my focus and energy would be used up to hide that...
You know that having someone like you with that commitment and strength is invaluable? There you have me smiling. Thank you. :)

Still... you should have a good Saturday afternoon and Sunday to take care of yourself. Do something you enjoy. A bit of me-time, eh? :)

He unfortunately didn't create it, he just helped funding it. It's been made by some guys in the US, and sent from there, so I think it's available for you. It's just a bit weird and I had to laugh about all those tiny little green zombie figures. It's a nerdy game really. Lol. I just looked at the box, and it's actually really called 'Tiny Epic Zombies'.
Who makes up something like that?

I need to somehow stuff all the packaging of his fancy chair into our containers outside. So much for avoiding plastic... That will be a tricky task. A bit like tetris. Anyone got a shrinking device?

Enjoy your Thursday. You must be halfway through it by now.
And don't forget about yourself in this busy week. :)

Posted on:
Thu, 13/09/2018 - 17:08



Howdy ladies, just thought I’d drop by with a link for you...I have no idea if it will work but this Sister Bea my all time favourite addiction speaker, giving an hour long therapy & she is amazing!  I’m working the 12 Steps (veeeerrryyy slooooowly) but I need this program because with gambling I’m heading for destruction & without gambling I didn’t know how to function...Today, I still make dumb choices but my body & my mind is calm thanks to the program & people I have met like your goodselves in recovery.

Posted on:
Fri, 14/09/2018 - 14:06



Thank you for that link.
I couldn't sleep and listened to it tonight. Well... I had to find my headphones first, then the battery died halfway through it, but I found some old in-ear headphones in my drawer. I'm glad my partner didn't wake up wondering why I'm giggling whilst listening to the story of a nun at 3 am. :P
She indeed is amazing, it was really amusing and encouraging at the same time. I for sure didn't plan to listen to the whole thing when I pressed 'play', but I did.

I know what you mean. It takes a while to get used to 'being normal', and that still doesn't always work. Being calm is not the problem though, it's mostly more like... too much of that. Oh well... :)

Thanks for dropping by, although I'm tired now, obviously. One of our delivery drivers just brought us some chocolate, because he will be on holidays for a while. I'm disappointed... white chocolate and coffee flavour... urgh. What's wrong with people's tastebuds these days? His wife probably just didn't like them either. :P

Posted on:
Fri, 14/09/2018 - 15:53

He's trying


ODAAT thanks for the link. I'll listen to it when I get finished here. Thanks for the kind words too. We are just a couple of people who found a connection (that I am so grateful for btw) and check in on one another to encourage a smile or positive thoughts. Plus, we like to type a lot of nonsense, which we both enjoy reading as well. lol It's amazing how just having that connection helps to keep things in focus for me. I'm blessed to have found Blue! I appreciate everyone on the forums. They all bring enlightenment and support to the page. Funny, I had to reach across the world to find it! 

Blue, I'm not the quiet one who walks away. I'm the one in the middle of the room screaming at the top of my lungs, calling the chair and the partner names! lol I get so frustrated with him! And that half***ed aproach must be something men do. If its "sort of" working correctly, that's good enough. If it has a bit of lean,  that's ok too. lol Sends me through the roof! That's how the ceiling fans were taken apart and put back together 3 times each! I refuse to just say "ahhh, that's good enough". The one thing my monster of a father did beat into my head is "if you're going to do it, do it right, or don't do it at all"! Now my partner, and my sons get the back end of that They all just kind of step back, red-faced, grumbling under their breaths and let me rant and rave until I'm quiet, then return to helping me. lol I am a bear when it comes to things like that! 

I'm off today, so I'm going to just do nothing, well, except I have to pick up the groceries. I signed on late today to post, because I was busy clicking away online for my grocery order. I've become so spoiled to the online shopping, and pick up at the store, that I complain about it taking too long to click on all of my groceries! lol 

I'm having a bad time with him lately! He has his cc balance up higher than ever. He continues to come in the house with things he's "purchased". But knowing him the way I do, he is going to the store to CHARGE sweets for his "sweet tooth", but it's actually his excuse to pull the cc out. Once he pulls it out, it's ok to stop and  CHARGE $30, $50 in gambling. And since he hit last week, he's on this high that I can't bring him down from. It makes me so sad to watch him do this to himself. His pit continues to grow deeper. I wish I could bring rock bottom up to meet him! I feel like him losing me and finding himself back where he started when we met is going to be his bottom. Then again, maybe even that isn't enough. It feels like watching someone you love in water drowning. He keeps dipping under the water and I can't get to him to save him. How many times will he go under before he stays under :'( And here I am trying to focus on myself and learn to find happiness around that. It's very difficult! I love him very much and want only good in his world. It sucks!

White and coffee flavored chocolate?! He got that on clearance somewhere! It had to have been the cheaper version of what was availabe, since there's no women in the world that would prefer that over good ole fashioned chocolate - chocolate! Are there?! Nah!!! I say no! Poor wife of his...she's probably so tired of pretending to enjoy his gifts. lol He needs a confidant like me, I'd tell him! LISTEN BUD, THAT IS NOT WHAT WE LIKE! STOP WASTING YOUR MONEY ON THE JUNK CHOCOLATE AND GET THE GOOD STUFF! lol 

Haha! I found it! Is it in a box so small that it will fit in your pocket?! The page I found says that its still in production or something and you have to sign up and pledge for a chance to get it at release. I love that the I in epic is dotted with an eyeball. lol 

I suppose I will go try to listen to the link now. Maybe he will hear it, since he just woke up. Maybe it will inspire him! Probably not, but a girl can dream right! 

I hope you have a fabulous weekend Blue! I'm sure I'll get on and tell you all about mine! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sat, 15/09/2018 - 11:13



I will need some time to reply, so I don't know if I can do it now. I slept for 12 hours tonight. -.- He's out to buy some electronic part that he decided he needs right now (the old fashioned way, in a store) and we will go to a barbecue later today.
He came home early yesterday. Was a bit of a surprise, but at least I had my house cleaning done by the time he arrived. He was hungry and we ordered a pizza. I'm still stuffed and a big part of it is still on my kitchen table...
So much for his new lifestyle. :P

So for now it's just a quick check-in before he returns, sorry, my time management for today is a bit messed-up because I slept too much.
I will reply to the rest later. That needs a bit more time.

Oh dear... he just came home and is now trying to 'fix' one of the drawers in the kitchen. I should have done this last week, this won't end well...

Sorry, see you later. Have fun at your walk. :)

Posted on:
Sat, 15/09/2018 - 12:07

He's trying


Good for you! 12 hours of sleep! See, you can push your body and not sleep, but when it's had enough - it WILL rest. So glad you got to catch up! I too am a bit pressed for time this morning. I have the walk in about an hour and a half, and still have to load my table and information to the park where we will end the walk, so people can visit my table and learn more about my agency. 

I had to say - OMG! That Bea was the most hilarious woman I have ever listened to!!! I was cracking up, home all alone just laughing and laughing. But then she had me crying. She is AMAZING! She is absolutely doing what God called her to do. She is inspiring, motivating, and uplifting. I loved every second of it! I would definitely go see her on a tour of the US! 

I'm going to guzzle this coffee down and head out for the busy morning. I hope you have a great day! I had pizza on Friday too. It was delicious! But that's nothing new around here. In addition to his addiction to gambling, my partner is also addicted to pizza! He orders pizza in probably twice a week and bakes the frozen kind at home probably 3 days a week (even if he eats dinner that I also cook regularly). So, for me, it has to be REALLY good pizza for me to be impressed. I'm so tired of eating pizza all of the time ( I still always have to have a piece or two though - more fat girl problems). 

I do hope the kitchen drawer is ok.....

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sun, 16/09/2018 - 14:53

He's trying


Morning! Well, the walk was a huge success! There was a man there with 50 years of sobriety! The turn out was great! I was given another opportunity to address the community and welcome people to visit our agency and learn how powerful peer-support is for those who suffer with mental illness. It was a great morning. I was exhausted by the time it was over though! I got home and sent him off to work, and decided I would sleep until he returned if I wanted to. That plan quickly came to a hault! As I was laying my head down on the pillow, my nephews called and asked if they could come over and have a sleepover at my house. They know I won't say no, so they were here 3 hours later. I did sleep for 2 hours though, I had to get a nap in! 

We went to the local mini golf place for mini golf, go kart racing, and arcade games. It always cost me a LOT of money when they come over. No wonder they like to come to my house for the night. lol That's the price you pay to be the "cool Aunt" though, so I'm ok with it ;) We stopped and picked up chicken at a take out restaurant and come home for a late dinner. They were knocked out by 10:30pm and I was barely holding my eyes opened when my fiance got home from work at 11:15pm. Long day!

I slept til 9am! I'm so pleased that they were quietly entertaining themselves while I slept. They are getting older. It's much easier to keep them now. I clearly needed the rest. I feel puffed up. I think I could have slept longer. I've been eating terribly. I'm sure that's what is weighing me down. I need to fast and eat light today or tomorrow, to get myself back on track. I always do the intermittent fasting for the 3 or 4 days in a row that I work and then splurge on the weekend. Well, the splurging has me feeling like a balloon about to burst! I wonder what a cleanse would do to me? I've always wanted to try one, but I'm afraid of them. lol I don't want to be locked in the house for 3 days while I complete it. I definitely can't fast today! My oldest son flew his new girlfriend in town for the weekend. I think they are both very sad to be apart. She has to finish her time off at her work and she's looking for a job to take when she moves here, so they are trying to steal any time together that they can to help with the separation. I hope she decides to make the move with him. He will be so broken if she doesn't. He's like me. He loves with everything he has. If he's talking marriage, you know he's completely given his entire soul to her. We shall see. Anyway - that wasn't my point at all. My point was - they are taking me to my favorite SUSHI place for dinner!!!!! I LOVE SUSHI!!!! I'm super excited! lol All of that, just to tell you I'm having sushi for dinner and I love it. 

I ramble on and on sometimes. I don't know how you can bare to read it. Sorry. 

You never finished your reply yesterday, I do hope that the flat didn't fall down when he started to repair the drawer. lol I hope the barbeque went well. I hope there was something there for you to eat. When we barbeque it's always more about the meat on the grill than the sides that go with it. So the meat is always the center of the gathering, and the sides are minimal. That doesn't sound to me like much of your kind of dinner. lol I can just imagine you sitting and staring at the grill with a disgusted look on your face while everyone around you is smiling and salivating with excitement. lol You are scanning the counters for some type of NON MEAT food! hahaha!

Oh dear, my entire living room is under blankets. It's a Super Fort! lol I must now make them breakfast to enjoy in their fort. I hope to hear from you soon. I'm hoping the home repairs didn't end in disaster and you're busy unearthing your salvageable items from the rubble. lol Enjoy your Sunday!

Be blessed!