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Posted on:
Tue, 14/08/2018 - 18:50

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Hurray!!!! It's very nice to meet you (officially) Jana! You just made my day! I really didn't care either way, but I feel like I know you a bit better because of it :) It was also alot easier to understand your story without the thems and theys! 

By the way, we have a term for that word you couldn't translate. We say "a**hole". You know, it's that hole in your lower back. lol I wouldn't agree with that name for you anyway! lol 

I'm glad you found a blessing in your day! You were my blessing today! I'm grinning from ear to ear to have "officially" met you on my lunch break. I don't eat during the day, so I just come home to let the dog outside and click away at the computer. 

He asked me to hold his cc for him today, since he has used it yet again. To which I replied NOPE! He said that it's hard for him to know he's letting me down. To which I replied I'm not let down. I don't believe you will win at this using the approach you're using, so I'm just minding myself while I wait for you to implode, which you will at this pace. End of conversation!

Then I sit at the computer to find this great message from you. Thanks for the smile and the reminder that it's about me first! It does suck that I'll probably not get a long weekend away since I don't really care to go with anyone else. Maybe I'll find something to buy myself. Or maybe I'll let him swipe his cc again and worry about myself being ok and paid for! Why would I worry what he does with his cc?! Not my business right! 

Back to work I go. Have a great day Blue! And if you prefer, you can delete that whole post. I'm glad you shared and I respect your privacy. 

Have a great day! :) 

Posted on:
Wed, 15/08/2018 - 14:33

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

No worries, I have never seen you. So if anyone asks I wouldn't be lying when I say "NOPE! Carry on now, nothing to see here!" lol

My coffee is perfect this morning! Thanks! Hope you enjoyed yours too. I never visit public places for lunch or coffee by myself. I don't like to sit there alone and wonder who is staring at me while I eat or have a drink, but worse than that, I don't want anyone catching me staring at them. I love to people watch! Sometimes to a fault! If I were nosing into someone's conversation and they caught me, I think I would die! I'm way to nosey not to do that, so it's safer just to take someone with me! lol

Work is going to be the WORST today! I have a gathering/open house tomorrow where we put the "faces of recovery" masks that the members and I painted on display before they go into a traveling art show around our state. For me that means that all of the "extra" cleaning needs done. So, in addition to running the business, I have to clean the windows, sweep the spider webs down from outside, and dust the entire offices. Oh the joys of being the director of a non-profit. I really should make a lot more money than I do! 

I'm so frustrated today. He has me so angry lately with the realization that I can't go on a long weekend away with him because he has completely ruined his savings and budget! I've tried the whole manage his money thing (not every penny & CCs though) where I held his "saving" money. It always lead to a fight. He'd want it back as soon as he went broke. I'd say no, that's not what you wanted me to hold it for. He'd throw a fit, we'd get into an argument, and I'd give it to him. He'd be good and mad at me by the time I handed it over and would go gamble it "because I accused him of it, so he may as well". It was never good. But he also never said I am DONE gambling. HELP me. It was more like, Will you be the money police and fight me about it because my own conscience won't"? That's exhausting Blue!!!

It makes me mad at myself that for the past 7 1/2 years that we've been together, I have always just picked up the slack and loaned him the money he needed or said not to worry, it's my idea to go away last minute (well with 3 weeks notice) - I'll get it.  How have I gone so long just picking up the pieces and putting everything back together as best I could? Why did I allow myself to be that person? Is that why he's with me? Does he love me or does he love that I help him be his worst him? I can't help but to be angry! I can't help but to be sad. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel like such a fool. I helped to create that mess! Now I have to suffer right along with him and pray that he gets help. Otherwise, I get to look forward to starting over at 44. Who wants to do that?! Certainly not me! I don't know how to contain my resentment and set it aside. I'm full of it! He kept trying to talk about how he's feeling and what he's thinking about how sick he is and what he's done that isn't working and blah, blah, blah... I just told him - I have heard it all. Who are you trying to convince that you are trying, me or yourself? I'm not convinced that you are doing anything positive about it. In fact, I realize that these conversations are manipulations and "poor me" attempts on your part. I'm really starting to get pi**ed and I don't want to be angry, so I am done talking about this for now. He followed me into the other room and sat down next to me to start with "but, but, but"... to which I replied I AM DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION! I AM GETTING MAD AND I DON'T WANT TO BE MAD! Good night, I love you. (and went to bed)

I don't know what the answer is to all of this frustration, resentment, and anger. I know that there is the Rip the Bandaid off option, where I just put him out and go it alone. But I do love him. I do see the good in him. He does have good qualities that I admire in him. More and more though, it feels like the bad is growing to outweigh the good. In my world, there really isn't room for all of that bad. More because, when you bring bad onto yourself, you bring bad onto your partner in life. I don't deserve that. I try to bring positives and uplifting to our relationship. I'm always working to be a better person and have a better life. Shouldn't he?! pffttt....see, just those 2 words rile me back up! ggrrrrrr.....

I've got to find an escape today! I need to get away from everything! I have a hair appointment after work. Maybe getting some of the gray covered back up and a nice haircut will help me feel better. Actually, probably not. It'll only remind me of how thin my hair has become. (bad reaction to a new medicine and natural aging too - but that's a whole new story I'll tell later)  

It's getting late and I've moaned and groaned enough this morning! I hope I don't get on your nerves with my constant complaining. I feel like I dump on you too much. You've taken it like a champ thus far. lol Please tell me if I am whining too much. 

Thanks for letting me dump. I've lifted a load off my shoulders and it'll be a little lighter to carry through my day now. Thanks for backing your dumptruck up to catch it all for me. lol 

Have a good day Blue! Be blessed!

Posted on:
Thu, 16/08/2018 - 21:48

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

You never fail to make me laugh! I'm sure your hair isn't as bad as you describe it. My mother had naturally curly hair. It was very thick and kinky. I loved her hair! Maybe if mine were puffy like you describe yours it wouldn't look like I'm a balding middle aged man! haha! 

Flat shopping against your wishes...that sounds fun... haha! Maybe he found the perfect one! Maybe it'll be the place of your dreams! That half an hour of travel doesn't sound fun. I'm assuming that means your commute to work will be that long. That stinks! The tube? Is that an underground train system? We call that a subway.  Ha! Nevermind. I googled it! I always forget that I have all of those answers at my fingertips. 

Work was a lot of work today! I wish I had the luxury of deligating to others. Unfortunatley, in my line of work there isn't anyone to pass the job over to. My assistant only works 10 hours per week. She is also a member of my agency, so when we have big gatherings, she participates as a member more than as an employee. She helps out here and there, but I pretty much do all of the work. My clients don't really volunteer to do too much of anything, except sit and watch me work and then run to line up when it's time to partake of whatever I am offering them. It's not fair, but it is what I have always done. I am rewarded by the difference I make in their lives, so the work is worth the payoff. 

I loved my hair! My hairdresser actually does her business from her home. I didn't have any chatty old ladies to contend with. Just me and her. She's great! We talked and complained about our partners. It was wonderful! My hair turned out great too! I mean, I'm still suffering with a lot of thinning, but the color is nice and the cut helped to lift my hair a bit, allowing it to **** a little. That helps to hide the balding part I think. 

He had to work over yesterday. I didn't even see him until he stopped by my work for the gathering today. I got to see him for 10 minutes before he left for work. I won't see him again until late this evening, unless they ask him to work over again. I don't really mind that though. I need a break! I don't want to stress about him or with him. I just want to relax and enjoy the evening of rest for my body and mind! Maybe I'll turn on Netflix and find a good series to binge watch! Any suggestions? 

Well, I'm off to turn this slow cooked beef roast into beef, bean, rice, and cheese burritos! It's going to be delicious! I love Mexican food! Have a great evening. I hope the flat was gorgeous and you stopped and had a nice dinner while you were out, or at least a couple of drinks at a nice place. That would make the half an hour tube ride a bit more worth it. 

Oh and please, don't ever stop sharing! I appreciate your openness. I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate you. Remember, this is mutual support. I am here to listen and support you just like you have been for me. That's what makes this so great! 

Thanks for the laughs! Afterall, I have to pick my chin up to laugh right?!!  

Posted on:
Fri, 17/08/2018 - 15:16

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Pfft! He came home early! I was in the middle of my movie. It was an old one I've seen 10 times in my lifetime, but a good one. The lock begins to turn on the door...and there he is, 3 hours earlier than he was supposed to get off on a normal shift! Oh well. Tonight is my Friday to "work late" too. We are nomally closed on Fridays, which allows me to have 3 day weekends :) But one Friday per month, I take 10 of my clients out bowling for a couple of hours. They enjoy it and it gets me out of the house. I could think of at least 15 other things I'd prefer to be doing though! Oh and I have to work those Fridays when the board of trustees or boards from the other agencies schedule meetings with me. They like to pick Friday, because they don't want to pull me away from running my business and helping my clients. I find it offensive! Now you know they know that I would rather WORK on a WORK DAY than WORK on an OFF DAY! But being me, I refuse to let them see me sweat so I smile and say Ok, fine :)

No TV?! I am far too nosey to not have a telly!!! How do you survive?! No meat?! I am far too hungry to not eat meat!!! How do you survive?! I have read that it's probably the healthiest way to eat, but where do you get your protein from? I love a good salad, don't get me wrong. But, for me, a good salad has so much other stuff in it that it probably has more calories than a big greasy cheeseburger and fries! lol Have you always been vegetarian or was that a lifestyle change for you? If so what gave you the motivation to stop? Does that mean you don't eat fish either? How do you survive?! lol

I wish I could have seen her fall into your office! I know it's a terrible character flaw, but (just like my mom) I absolutely die laughing when people trip and fall! It's hard for people to see that I am actually worried that they're ok because I'm so busy trying to contain my laughter! I am concerned though. I just have to laugh at them while I check on them. I recommend that when you get your TV you watch Ridiculousness on MTV. (do you have MTV there?) You may be able to Youtube some clips from the show. I LOVE watching those videos. It's a series of videos of people falling, crashing, and just making stupid choices that end in chaos. I laugh so hard! 

I wish I knew geography better, or had traveled to the UK so I had a clue what your culture or way of life is there. Wait! Are you in the UK or Germany or where? See! I don't even know that! lol You said German is your native tongue, so are you from Germany, living elsewhere? Or are you in Germany and I'm clueless? lol Half of the time when I'm sharing with you it hits me that you're not here in the US and my language isn't even your first language. Then I worry that half of the stuff that I'm talking about may not even make sense to you. I hate to think that you have to Google half of my posts! lol I'd rather Google your country and try to learn more about it, so that I have a little more of an understanding of your terms, surroundings, and way of life. That may help me a bit. I feel like everyone knows how the Americans live. We're always on someone's news making an a** out of ourselves....especially now, with our president (I apologize for that representation of us btw lol). 

We are an overweight, overbearing, entitled, overly ambitious, medling, busy-body country that creates those same kinds of children. But there are a handful of us here that try to fight against those ideas and aspirations to raise respectable citizens. It's rather embarassing to a large percentage of us (aparently not large enough to keep him out of office though) that the orange guy represents us to the world. He is not a reflection of us! I don't mean to get into politics. Just sharing a little bit of my country with you, but I'm sure you probably know all of this already. I, on the other hand, am at a great disadvantage. I have no idea how other countries of the world are. 

What I have learned is that there are good people, with great personalities, and good hearts on every corner of the Earth! Our houses may look different, our languages may be different, but we are much more the same than different in our hearts. Isn't it ironic. I work in the mental health field, surrounded by hundreds of professionals and support groups. Yet, I had to travel to another country to find the support that has given me the strength to make real change in my life. Kudos to you, friend from afar! And Gamcare too of course. I wonder if the creator of this forum ever realized that it would reach across the world and connect people? 

I'm sorry you had to waste all of that time on the U-Bahn. I hope the party proved to be enjoyable for you. I also hope you cleaned out that desk. lol I have had a wall of spider webs that are saturated with dead bugs on the back of my house for weeks now. I'm not as motivated as I should be, that's for sure! But I did get the stuff to clean it. It's on the table just waiting for me. Kind of my reminder that I have to get it done before my entire house is buried under spider web. lol There are some fat, nasty, ugly spiders out there to greet me when I come home after dark. We are not friends! I did not invite them to sublet my house! They must be evicted! But first I have to get myself motivated to do it. I freak out when I'm out there cleaning it. I'm dancing around the yard everytime something falls, afraid it's a spider running around on my head or down my shirt! I think you understand my hesitation now. 

Well, time to go crush some candies :) Happy Friday Blue! 

Posted on:
Sat, 18/08/2018 - 14:56

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

You actually jumped a red light and didn't burst into a ball of fire! Congratulations! lol So funny! See, you live in a place that is obsessed with rules. I live in a place that is obsessed with chaos. I think if I had to choose one of the two, rules would definitely be my choice! Don't get me wrong, I do love my freedom. I do love my country and I know we are blessed with an abundance of anything and everything at our fingertips. But it seems that along with those freedoms come a lot of immoral behaviors. There are a lot of bad things happening, with bad people, all in the name of freedom. It's the down side to trying to be liberal and allowing everyone to live and let live. There is always someone who takes that liberty to the extreme worst limits and stands upon their freedom as a reason to do so. It really makes me mad. But, I am also the person who believes that we should live and let live. So, as long as you aren't bringing pain and danger to others - I don't care what your life is in your own home. I respect all people and love to learn from all people. Life is a neverending opportunity to learn and grow. When you stop learning, you stop living! 

Thanks for the google subjects! Your Chancellor has been re-elected 3 times. (I think that's what I remember from my reading). That's impressive! At least she is educated and wise about politics and foreign relations. Trump is a babbling idiot with absolutely NO knowledge of anything outside of Trump Industries. We live in fear that his big mouth will lead us straight to nuclear war. I pray he doesn't sit in that seat after our next election. But he still has 2 years of God knows what crazy ideas and big mouth insults he will throw at the other countries of the world. My Mom always used to tell me, when things got bad. "This too, shall pass". I guess that's true here too. We just need to weather the Trump storm and wait it out. lol 

I seriously can't believe that the last time you had tv was when MTV played only videos! lol I would be lost! How in the world to you entertain yourself? You probably enjoy walks, and yardwork, and housework, and exercising, and all of those other things I have an allergy to! lol I break out in a rash and start itching at the thought of exercise! lol I must avoid it at all costs! :) I bet you've read 100s of books too huh? No wonder you don't have to google much. You're already a wealth of knowledge! Well read, healthy eater, bilingual, don't fill your mind with the rubbish box (tv). Wow! Opposites do attract! I am on the other side of the water eating all bad stuff, can understand maybe 3 foreign words if you say them slowly, watching some of the most ignorant shows on TV, and I haven't read a good book since I read The Complete Collection of Autobiograhies of Maya Angelou's last winter (great read btw! That's a look at some real American history there). I can't find time to read between all of my candy crushing, facebooking, and television watching, oh, and don't forget the fattening meals (with meat) cooking too! lol You inspire me!

Maybe I need to turn that box off too (well it's a little flatter than a box these days lol) Maybe that's why I battle my weight so much! I refuse to move. The truth is, I live about 1.5 miles from home and should also walk to work, but NOPE! I drive. My town is small, so I'm blessed to be able to feel safe driving on my streets. I have big cities both East and West of my town about an hour drive away. They are HORRIBLE! I HATE city traffic! My oldest son is away for work in another state. He's living in a big city there and he loves it. We went to visit him last spring and it was a constant anxiety just to be there! He drives like a maniac on those busy highways. I would buckle up and hold on for dear life the entire time we were out! No thank you! I don't need that extra stress in my life! I'll stick to small town living! lol  

A good impression is everything! Leaving the impression that you were busy is a great idea! lol Make sure to mess you hair up a bit and appear overworked and underpaid when she comes back. Then she'll feel extra bad about leaving you to try to manage ALL OF THAT WORK by yourself. Then just sit back and relax as she does all of that work you neglected! lol That's genius!!! I told you you were smart! :P 

Bowling was fun! I enjoy it, but like you, I couldn't bowl a strike to save my life! I just kind of fling the ball and pray it stays on the lane! lol That's the funnest part though, when I accidently bowl a strike, all of my friends cheer like I've won the olympics! hahaha! It's actually way more fun when you've got a pitcher of beer to drink, but when I take my clients out - that's not a good idea! lol Pizza and Soda Pop for them! We still manage to laugh a lot though! And God forbid someone slips and falls on those slippery lanes....because I look like a heartless, evil woman when I can't stop laughing at them as they crawl to their feet! hahaha!

You're hillarious! Running home to avoid a coffee date! lol I literally pictured you hitting send, looking up quickly, checking left and right  to make sure the coast was clear and then quickly exiting the area. So funny!!! 

Today is the fiance's family gathering for a birthday party. wewww...hoooo.... (not really) I get frustrated when people make plans for gatherings on Saturdays. Saturday is our "date day". It's the time of the week where we shut out the rest of the world and just focus on us. We spend the day connecting with each other and just being in the moment. It's been very important in our relationship. When I have to spend it forcing cheezy smiles at everyone and making small talk, it really makes me mad! I enjoy his family, but can't we enjoy one another on a Tuesday?! lol 

Well, I guess I'll go candy crush a bit. I already drank my coffee while typing this book for you to read...lol (sorry for rambling again) Thanks for the google material. I'm so nosey! Btw don't hesitate to tell me if I get too nosey, I tend to ask too many questions because I'm so curious about everything. I really do respect your privacy. Contrary to my gazillion questions on every post. lol I can't wait to read up on your country. Heck, maybe I'll just call my oldest son and let me tell him all about it. He was infatuated with Germany in high school. He couldn't learn enough about it. It's on his list of places he MUST see. I'm sure he can't speak one word of German at this point though. He hasn't been in school for 7 years now. Wow! I'm getting old fast! Where did the time go?!

Haha! I just realized that the caffein must be kicked in from my coffee. I'm typing so fast I can hardly keep up with myself! lol Time to go see how fast I can crush these candies! I hope my computer mouse can keep up! click, click, click, click!!! 

Be blessed Blue!

 

Posted on:
Sun, 19/08/2018 - 04:13

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Haha! I definitely remembered the sunglasses! He got all drunk and stumbling. So I left him there. That's his family. They were all sharing in the gallon of liquor that they drank, on top of several beers. I didn't drink. I didn't think it made a lot of sense. This was a 7 year old little girls birthday party. Why are there a bunch of adults getting snot-faced drunk? Needless to say, I was over it before it really even got started. So I'm home at 11pm alone. Honestly, I don't care if he stays there. I'm tired of being his babysitter. I'm tired of having to be the one left caring for the wreckless mess that is left by all of his bad decisions. He is grown. It was supposed to be date night and I was stuck at his family gathering. But worse than that, I was stuck there basically by myself because he was so busy running around chasing the liquor and sneaking away to drink more than I actually saw him drink, because he thinks I'm stupid and nieve. I don't think I need to tell you that I am not a happy person right now! 

I'm tired Blue. I'm growing more and more tired every day that he chooses to not do anything to better himself or us. I'm tired of "I'm sorry". I'm tired of hanging on through the messes to hold out for the good days. He's becoming such a burden to me. Much of our relationship is turning into burden. There, I said it. It hurts like hell, but I admit it. He is more of a burden than an asset to my world. Why do I hold on? 

Listen to me, just dumping on you. I'm sorry. I'm just so mad! I better go try to relax and go to bed. I don't intend to be awake if he does find a ride home and stumbles in. I am not his babysitter! I hope he just passes out there and stays! I've never felt this way about him. But tonight, or should I say these days, I absolutely do. I'm just tired! 

I think it may help for you to just tell him that you need some space sometimes. Maybe just an hour of you time. I can say that from the other side, I have zero trust in my fiance. But I have lived with the addict and know he's a manipulator and a liar. Your partner doesn't really know that about you right? Maybe he knows there's something that you're keeping from him, but just not what it is. Maybe his intuition is telling him. Luckily, it's old news and you're not that person anymore. Thank God! But that privacy or secrecy may still be something he feels from you. Just a thought. I may be way off. But I know I can say that I feel when my fiance isn't being honest or open with me. It's a gut feeling you get when you truly love someone.

I too like to share with you on the good, the bad, and the mundane. I think your life is quite interesting, and your view of life is very funny! You make me laugh at life. That's a good thing!

I think I'll close on that positive thought. I needed that to end my night. Better than going to bed on that sour note I started this post with. I hope you have a pleasant Sunday.

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Mon, 20/08/2018 - 14:19

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

It makes me so sad for you when you talk so poorly about yourself. I know that self reflection is important for growth, but I don't feel like you ever give yourself any pats for the work you HAVE done. We are all far from perfect in our eneavor for greatness. You acknowledge your shortcomings (a bit more often than you should, I think lol) and knowing them will only help you to change them, at your pace, and when you're ready. I know I harp, but remember - you have some pretty awesome POSITIVES too! Don't forget to acknowledge those too. I'm grateful for you, because you help me to be better.  Ok...I'm done. ;)

He did come home. Not only slobbering drunk, but with his 9 year old nephew, who was coming to spend the night. (who releases their child to a slobbering drunk for the night?) I waited patiently today for his nephew to leave and him to rest his hangover off, and then I laid into him. I'm tired. I'M TIRED! I feel like this new exploration of myself and our relationship is a process of weighing pros against cons and deciding which is more. I told him flat out that he is LOSING. He has managed to make himself a burden to me more than an asset. His good no longer outweighs his bad. He has become a load I have to carry around. I AM NOT IN THE MARKET FOR CARRYING ANYONE ELSE'S BS! I am looking for someone to share the load, someone to ease my burdens. I explained to him that, unlike him, once I become tired enough to walk away - it is FOREVER. I have stayed through a lot of hardship, I am not a quitter. But when I do walk, I will be gone for good. I AM TIRED! I called him on the whole "I'm going to work on me" thing, and pointed out that NOTHING has changed with him. I am not going to wait forever for him to wake up. I am 44. As the song goes "don't know how many sunsets I've got left". Life is too short to spend it trying to be happy or trying to tolerate his selfish, thoughtless ways. Did I already tell you I'M TIRED! His excuse was that I wasn't drinking, so he figured he would. Why does it always have to be about altering your mood? Why can't we just have fun sober? Who goes to a 7 year old birthday party and gets wasted? Why would you think that I should be drinking when I drink about twice a year? (that must be the grown up amount of getting drunk, since Blue does it too lol) It's always about me being the responsible, grown, sacrificial lamb. I'm always thrown to the slotter for his own benefit. I'M TIRED! 

Speaking of tired, I'm so glad you got a lazy Sunday in. Those are the best! I broke down and rented a cabin near me. I can't let my summer pass by without enjoying some nature time. So, he will end up reaping the benefits of my hard work and savings afterall. I'm going to the cabin next weekend. Thursday (late) - Sunday morning. I need some time to just think and just absorb some fresh air. Maybe read a book! Any suggestions? So, I guess I'm enabling him. Not because I want it for him though, because I want it for me. Or is that my excuse? I really don't have anyone else I'd rather be with than him. I don't want to go by myself. And I'm already tired of losing because he can't get with the program. I don't know. 

Why on Earth were you up so late with work looming? 4 hours of sleep would be a good nap for me! lol I couldn't manage on that little of sleep. I'd be a walking zombie! I do hope you manage to keep your eyes opened and focused and pull off the "OH, REALLY?! WOW! THAT'S GREAT!" act. lol I have faith in you! You can do it! I think it's her turn to hold down the office while you run out for a drink isn't it?! :)

Remind yourself of some of your positives today, please?! And remember, I think you rock! Flaws and all, you rock!

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Tue, 21/08/2018 - 02:24

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

That's great! A plastic free day....how could I survive a plastic free day?!!! Is he trying to be more planet friendly or decrease his footprint by being more green? What is the motivation? I think it's cool that he thinks outside of the box like that. I just don't know how I could survive it! My keyboard is plastic! How would I be able to communicate with you?! As I look around, SO MUCH of what surrounds me is plastic! Now I'm freaking out a bit! My footprint must be HUGE! I drink bottled water all day! That's plastic, plastic plastic! Everything is plastic! 

And NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! The cabin is glamorous! I don't want to commune with nature that bad! lol I want to go outside and enjoy the walks by the lake, campfire, sunshine, fresh air, wildlife, rafting down the river. But then I want to go into the hottub on the deck, followed by cable television movies, wifi so that I can candy crush and facebook, dinner cooked in a fully stocked, top of the line kitchen, a hot shower with fluffy towels, followed by cuddling up in a king sized bed with big cozy comforters and the air conditioner cranked up! lol Now I'm feeling so wasteful, knowing that in your universe they are attempting to live through the day without plastic waste. I'm a bad Earthling! Forgive me...please? :(

And farm fresh food?! That's amazing! You try to eat farm fresh food that you walk to get?! Go you!! You think so much more healthy than I do! You don't even realize it. I am a lazy woman! If I can't drive there, I probably won't go. I have a fit at the store if I can't find a parking space that's close to the door. Oh I feel like such a terrible human! I envy your thinking. I would probably be so much more healthy if I could get into that mindset. Just walking to work would probably do miracles for my health! But I will wake up tomorrow and get into the car :( Lazy Americans....told ya!

I do feel like I'm giving him something he does't deserve. I do think I'm failing by doing the cabin thing. But more than anything, I feel like it's not fair for me to miss the opportunity, so it's definitely for me. It's a bad place to be. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. So I decided to do what makes me happy. Me going, and having him there to hang out with, away from gambling and opportunities sounds like heaven to me. So it's definitely for me. I'm going to give myself a pass for that, since I did think it through and it made me more sad to not go because of him, than to go in spite of him. I am still a work in progress, right?  

Haha! His family dropped him and his nephew off. Which means they actually made a conscious choice to help him get himself and his nephew here. He didn't fall asleep. On the contrary - he sat out in the livingroom waiting for his pizza to arrive. So drunk, that his head was bobbing up and down like he was on a boat as he sat there. He kept coming into the bedroom and closing the door loudly, needless to say I was paranoid for his nephew, so I was up and down peeking out to check on him. Seeing my fiance out there that drunk with his nephew sleeping next to him on the couch just made me sick to my stomach. That poor kid. What kind of an example are you making for your nephew? Why would you want him to see you like that? Idiot!

It's like 9:20pm now, so I think I'll go check my facebook and crush some candies before bed. I hope you had a wonderful meal! I also hope it wasn't too far away. I must know how you did with the plastic free day, besides the couple of mess-ups before you were aware it was a plastic free day (I say those don't count against you, so you're still in the clear with me). 

I'll check back in the morning with my coffee. I hope you have a productive Tuesday. I know I will. The week before vacation is always a busy one for me. I have to do work for the week ahead so that I won't be behind when I return. Oh well, it'll be worth it to have the time off and it makes the days fly by! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Wed, 22/08/2018 - 14:26

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

You did miss my morning coffee, but it was worth the wait for this mornings read with my coffee. You always make me laugh so much! I love that you're so sarcastic about your partner. I can't believe I didn't pick up on that more and realize you were mocking him. I should have known..lol That's funny, my fiance also told me about this mysterious island of plastic in the ocean too! Something about it's where all of the tides push the rubbish and it all gathers in a miles long (I think he said it was miles) island of plastic! That is crazy! I get the need to try to live without it.

You're such a good person. I use company computer and wifi for all of my personal stuff! I pay my bills, candy crush, social media, or whatever I need to get done, as long as my work is done. I don't care who likes it! lol 

Yep, I will never understand the drunk uncle with the nephew thing either. He said that he apologized to his nephew for being in that condition, and said he was sorry he wasn't "fun". I yelled at him. You didn't need to worry about apologizing to him for not being fun! You needed to apologize for ever having him see you like that! You needed to explain that you were putting him and yourself in danger by being in that condition and having him! You need to apologize for ever displaying such irresponsibility and wrecklessness to him! You needed to use that as an example of how NOT to be. But no, you apologize for not being "fun"?!!!!! AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!! Stupid, stupid man!!!! Way to screw up on turning that screw up into a teachable moment!!!

I'm dying over here thinking of you standing in the middle of the woods muttering something sarcastic and hillarious under your breath, angry at yourself for ever letting someone talk you into this whole "wildlife" adventure ****!! hahahahaha!!!! I imagine you just sitting down, pulling out a snack from your pocket and saying "eh, he'll come looking for me as soon as he realizes there's no stores for me to escape to anywhere near here, in the mean time I'll enjoy the peace and quiet of alone time". lol 

I'm willing that laundry to float into the washing machine and dryer and fold itself for you! Did it work?! You know, they say a mind is a powerful thing. I've been trying to harness that power to make the housework and laundry do itself for years! With my luck, it probably worked for you and reached across the world to get yours to do itself, while mine still sits, waiting.....lol 

I've got to get busy. Today will be so busy! I have a trip planned (just local) with my clients tomorrow that I must prepare for, followed by my trip (about an hour and a half drive so not too bad). I have last minute shopping to do for both, packing to do for both, and only today to do it. And she's off....

Happy Humpday Blue! You're halfway to the weekend! Yay! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Thu, 23/08/2018 - 13:51

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

men..... lol Is it terrible that I had an evil Muah HaHa! laugh come into my head when you said he was hurting and you were looking forward to enjoying his pain. I'm the EXACT same way!!! It may be a bit evil of us to be like that. But I do so enjoy it!!! lol It's my quiet revenge for the pain and suffering I had to endure on the prior evening as I babysat or just ran around cleaning up after him! lol I get no greater joy than to see him hit with a bad hangover! lol

I'm sorry you don't have a facebook, but completely understand. You trolling??? No way! lol I have that problem too. They say that its much easier if you just scroll past the posts that annoy you or make you angry, but I am THE WORST at doing that! After about the 5th stupid, arrogant, or downright offensive post someone makes - I can't help myself! I have to tell them what a douchebag they are! If you had a facebook, you'd notice that my blunt honesty is one of the characters that my real friends treasure about me. They know that if they want good advice or the honest truth (even if it hurts) all they have to do is ask me. I won't sugar coat anything to spare feelings. If you didn't want to know the truth, you probably shouldn't have asked me, of all people! lol 

Well, busy morning. I have to pack. And unlike you - There is NO WAY I could just "wing it" and stop at the stores to shop on the way. I have to have EVERY detail planned, checked off of the list, and precise. lol I'm so OCD about trips away from home!  I wish I could do it the way you suggested. Just let go and let the trip take care of itself. Nope! I can't even type that without anxiety! lmao! The groceries were purchased yesterday. The cooler (ice chest) is in the car, waiting to be packed with 3 days worth of groceries, and the list is being checked off one thing at a time. Just like if I enter the woods for a walk, it will be on a CLEARLY MARKED TRAIL! I would have a heart attack if I found myself lost! lol There would be no sitting down, reading my book and sipping my water until I was ready to mosey out and find my way back. NONE OF THAT! Anxiety is setting in just typing that too! lol I think I'll skip the walk in the woods, as a matter of fact! lol Maybe a stroll along the ponds edge. At least then I can see all the way around it and know where the cabin is from anywhere I'm standing. lol See, you've sent me into a full blown panic attack 8-{  Just kidding. But honestly, I could never be free spirited like you. I'm so overly scheduled, by the book, if it's not on the list or part of my routine - I am liable to have a meltdown! That's me. Oh, to learn how to relax and let life be what it is. That would be so nice.... I envy you for that! :)

Speaking of the woods, I may not have any reception at the cabin. It's pretty far out there. If not, I won't be back around until Sunday. I hope I have service, because reading your posts and replying is one of my favorite ways to relax and enjoy my coffee! 

Time to crush some candy before I go take the group on their trip. We aren't bowling today, we're going to tour an old house in our town that was maintained as a museum, then having a picnic lunch by the lake. I'm so excited! I love touring old places and I also love being by the water! It should be a blast. Then home to finish checking off my list and hit the road!

If I don't post, have a great weekend and I'll check back in as soon as I'm able. Well, I'm off!

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Thu, 23/08/2018 - 21:45

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

You are Not going to Believe this!!!! So, my clients and I were sitting at the park by the lake in our matching orange shirts (my memberships' shirts). Along comes a vehicle and out steps a lady who was very pretty, in a beautiful black dress and classy sunglasses. She walks over and waves at me and says "Hi, I'm from the Cleveland channel 5 news. We are interviewing people in your community about KROGER (our local grocery chain) PHASING OUT PLASTIC BAGS BY 2025. We'd like to get your opinion on it. lmao!!! I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP!!!!  So, I say yes. She waves to the gentleman who is now out of the vehicle and holding a Giant television camera and tripod over. He walks over, sets up right in my face, as I sat in my yard chair, and puts a big fuzzy mic in my face. She then asks me my name and profession and interviews me about PLASTIC BANS!!!! Of course, I mentioned just having talked with my friend in the UK about an island of plastic in the ocean and how we take for granted that once we throw our trash away it is gone, but it's not. It effects us for a very long time while it decomposes. So I'm going to be on television at 5:30 on the Cleveland, Ohio Channel 5 news! Our recent enlightening conversation came in handy as I was filming my interview and also getting a free TV spot for my business, since I was wearing our shirt! IT WAS SO IRONIC that I was looking for the star of the "Punked on TV" show to pop out and tell me I was on candid camera!!! LOL!!!! This really is a small world Blue!!

I had to jump on and tell you. Of course I used it as an excuse to pause in my packing duties. lol I better run. Much to do. Checklist and all....lol 

Enjoy your free concert....lmao!!! I say BREAK OUT THE TUBA!!!! Hahaha!!! I love it!!!!

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Mon, 27/08/2018 - 01:19

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Just popping in real fast, before the pizza arrives. I survived! NO internet. NO cable tv. NO cell phone service! We roughed in (in my version anyway). Cabin was gorgeous! Hot tub was fabulous! Rafting down the river was....ahhh...I'll update you on that over morning coffee. He survived it, just barely tho! lol 

Ohp! Pizza's here. Gotta run! I'll post in the morning. And yep, I remembered my toothbrush! lol 

Posted on:
Mon, 27/08/2018 - 14:19

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

You know, as much as I love going away, I do love coming home! It was nice to shower in my own shower and sleep in my own bed last night! I have a ton of things to get done today though, so no rest for the weary. I still haven't tackled that back wall of my house that's covered in spider webs. And the weeds are getting out of control fast. I need to do all of that, and try to get the lawn mowed today. Mowing is his job, but it's going to be 87 degrees outside and he has to return to work in that hot factory (like 106 degrees inside) so I'll try and see how I'm feeling after I finish all of my jobs to do the yard mowing too. 

Rafting...oh what a mess! He was clueless! He would not listen to me when I tried telling him that he was rowing all wrong, and then he would be so concerned with everyone else that he wasn't paying attention. So he found himself outside of the raft, pulling us off of rocks more times than he would probably like to admit. I wanted to badly to pop him in his head with my ore several times, but I didn't. So he did survive, but we will never do that again! Kayaks maybe, but no rafting or canoing with him! 

Other than that, it was a great time. It was nice to escape reality for a while. But here we are - back to reality. We were home about 4 hours and I heard him grumbling about his money situation. I was fuming mad! Why do you continue to grumble and struggle?! Oh that's right, because you make a $30 payment, and then charge $50 before your next payment YOU WILL NEVER GET AHEAD THAT WAY IDIOT!!  He is quickly failing and I told him that the only way he will ever get ahead is to surrender to treatment and surrender his finances. I think he almost stopped breathing when I said it, but I reminded him that he already knows this stuff. Just because I don't remind you of it 1000 times a day, like before, doesn't mean I don't know it too. 

Me? My finances are great. I just took a mini weekend away vacation and I'm still sitting pretty in my bank account. That's the benefit of saving and being responsible and frugal when you need to. Why doesn't he just accept the hard truth and surrender already?! What will it take?! Probably me suffering through no more long weekends away. Probably me going without too. That's so unfair. ugh....

How about you? What did you do to entertain yourself over the weekend? Any new free concerts lately, compliments of the neighbors? Did he find the perfect flat? I look forward to your reply. I've missed catching up with you. 

Have a great day far away friend! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Tue, 28/08/2018 - 16:09

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Oh no! You're a river zig-zagger too?!!! Those are the worst! lol But unlike your s.i.l. I will not begin to act like I have a clue as to how to teach you differently. I'm no pro. I just know that zigzag is not the proper direction! lol See, the ones who make a mess of the trip have the most fun. He can't wait to go again! I would just as soon shoot myself in the foot than raft down a river with him again!! lol 

I'm so proud of you. Home for 2 whole days with no escaping! Wow! That's impressive. If it's getting chilly, that makes for an uncomfortable book reading session on a park bench huh?! You poor thing. What in the world do you do in the winter?!! That has to be horrible for you to have all of the benches covered in snow for months and it being so cold your nose could freeze and fall off if you stay in it too long. (I'm googling what your weather is like there) Oh, it looks like it's a bit chillier there than here right now, but your weather looks to be almost the same as ours. Except you guys use that funny c with yours instead of the f. lol I had to ask google to translate too. haha! Our winters are rather mild. I mean we have weeks of really nasty stuff, where your nose just might freeze and fall off or you may find yourself hip deep in snow, but for the most part it melts away and it's just uncomfortable and dark....That's the worst part. The lack of sunshine sucks!!! In fact, our area is so cloudy and lacks sunshine so much that it is not uncommon for us to be vitamin D deficient (I am now taking supplements for it as a matter of fact). For me, it was actually a bit chilly for the river. It was high of 82 degrees (27.777777c for you, according to google) lol all weekend, but it was cloudy and the warm part of the day was only about 2 hours long. For the most part it was cloudy and about 76 (24.444444c) lol which is pretty cold when you're getting wet. Oh and for about a half an hour of our trip down the river - it POURED rain. Not long enough to mess up the rafting, just long enough to completely drench us and leave us looking like a couple of wet rats, arguing and bickering down the river in a zigzag pattern. lol

I've learned that we (America) is far behind the trend of the world in trying to cut plastic out of our lives. Sorry for that. I told you we're lazy and entitled. I am learning now though.Well...I'm learning more about how much stuff I have that is plastic and how I don't know how I'd survive without it!!! But I have been more aware of each time I throw something plastic away. There's a lot! I'm not sure how to fix the problem. I guess it would first start with the producers of the products we use. They would need to start transitioning to glass or other parishable products so that we would purchase our items in that container instead. But then, we'd have to choose between a glass container and plastic and be willing to pay the extra for glass. Which is where the whole problem is. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. 

You know, he's actually said that to me about the losing part of his cg. He told me that most of the time he's excited when he finally loses it all. It's like his permission to let go and focus on living again. That's so sad to me Blue! I can't imagine being excited for the worst to happen to save me from myself. I can't imagine being in that place in my mind. Unfortunately, I don't see him even considering surrender. I think he's going to be one who loses it all and I'm not even sure that he will stop then.  I was so hurt yesterday (by my own doing of course). His check goes directly into his bank account. It was deposited while we were on our trip. When we got home, I was still in a haze from the weekend and having him all to myself. But reality SMACKED me right in the face. I was outside fighting the good fight against the spiders and webs....(oh what a site that was) and he walked out all cleaned up and dressed. He said, I'll be back. I asked where he was going. He then told me he was going up to the gas station to play his numbers with the $13 he had left from payday. I was devistated. But quickly realized that the fantasy weekend was over and here we are back to reality. Back to him chasing the dragon. Back to him not having any money for trips and extras, but spending his last dollar on his addiction. ugh..... Oh, and lets not forget that immediately upon sitting down in our house on Sunday evening, he began stressing about how little money he was going to have coming in and how large his bills were in the coming month. But, he went to the **** store and spent his last dime on lottery the very next morning?!!!! AAAAGGHHH!! The insanity of it all. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I so afraid to force a change or walk away?

Haha! I love online shopping! My s.i.l. has an Amazon Prime account and shares it with the family. I jump on there and order what I want, it's here in a couple of days and if I don't like it, I ship it back FREE! I love it! Of course, for someone like you that would not be ideal. But for me, the planner - it works great. I always have things planned out weeks, if not months, in advance so I have plenty of time to order and return. lol It's great in my world. Especially since I HATE shopping. When you wear plus sized clothes, it's difficult to shop in the stores. And many of them say "we have the plus sized clothes available online" anyway. So, I skip the embarrassement and the frustration of searching for my size and do it on Amazon. My favorite shopping place! I will admit, I do buy some of the most outrageous stuff too though. It's so easy to click a button and it'll be here soon. So I see something that looks cool and CLICK, its on it's way. lol The Air Fryer I bought is probably the best purchase I've made though. You should try one if you don't own one. It makes fried foods without oil or grease! It's amazing! Crispy fried potatoes with no oil! Listen to me, I sound like a commercial. lol

Well, I guess I'll go crush my candies now. I really don't know what to do with myself today. I scrubbed the siding on the house, bug-sprayed away all of the spiders, and mowed the grass yesterday. I could probably do some dusting and things around the house today....but that doesn't sound like much fun at all. hmmm.....what to do.....

Have a great day Blue! The sun is out here. I hope it's shining on you too!

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Wed, 29/08/2018 - 14:42

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

OH NO!!!! I just typed for a half an hour and hit a button and it all disapeared!!!! I don't have time to retype it all, so this will probably be short. But it's actually page #4 of my novel!!! lol 

The air fryer did a great job, but it was a lot of waiting. I'm still learning it, so I couldn't just set it and forget it. I'll get there though! lol I made a homemade thai chili sauce to go on chicken wings. I'm sure you'd pass on that! lol But it was really good! I made french fries (do you call them chips) with them and they were amazing! Super crispy and not grease sogged! I ate really late though. I went to visit my nephews out of town yesterday. They start kindergarten and 2nd grade today so it's a pretty big deal! I always loved the 1st day of school! New clothes, new shoes, new teacher, new friends to be made. I'm looking forward to the call this afternoon to fill me in on how it went. :)

I'm really trying to separate. It's so hard Blue. It's like being in a pool and trying to swim laps, but being chained to the side. No matter how hard I swim, I can't move forward. (actually it's much like our rafting trip, but I digress) I want to grow and move forward and do more and have more and gain. But he keeps me chained to "getting through today is enough". I'm not happy with the neighborhood I live in. I think it's time to sell this house and go buy another one. But I can't really afford to do it all on my own. I need someone I can depend on. I need someone who is striving to do better in life. I need someone I don't have to constantly pick up from falling. I want to lean on someone else. He is NOT that guy. He is loving, kind, affectionate, helpful, and very mild-mannered. Those are things I love about him. But none of those things will advance us into the future or help us to improve our situation. Do I keep improving my situation and keep dragging him along with me, to reap the benefits of my hard work, while he continues to destroy his own future? I can't do that forever. I don't know how long I can keep up at this pace. I don't want to lose him, but the resentment continues to grow and grow everyday. 

I pray you never find yourself in that position again. I know if he is willing to lose all that he has for his addiction, it must have been a pretty bad place to be in when you finally decided enough was enough. As much as you say you want to bury it and forget about it, I'm so thankful that you decided to share it with me and help me through this. I believe your desire to help me will feed your determination to stay the course. I think you're going to be a forever success story! Your process may not be the traditional path to recovery, but it's working. And something about you tells me there's really nothing ordinary or traditional about you :p That's what makes you the beautiful person that you are though. Your spirit is so pleasant. You make me think happy thoughts, even when you're fussing about the bad parts of your day. lol You have a light about you and the way you think. It's so fun! Never change that! Just keep chugging along. You're doing great! Like the Little Engine That Could (children's book) "I think I can, I think I can"! up the hill :)

I suppose I could go crush some candy. Then maybe I'll go get those clothes out of the dryer that have been in there for 2 days. Maybe I'll start the dryer again 1st and pray the wrinkles bake out of them. lol Or maybe I'll leave them another day. I'm on vacation - I won't be controlled by this *** housework! 

I hope you got some good rest. I also hope you impressed the VIPs! I'm sure you did! 

Be blessed! 

EDIT  - I had to come back and add WOW! I STILL TYPED A BOOK! I realized it after I hit the save button and it posted. HAHA!

Posted on:
Thu, 30/08/2018 - 14:25

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Curse those blinking lights!! Much like my trash can. How can he walk past it, or better yet - add trash to it if he has to perfectly balance it on the top of the pile that is about to come crashing down over the side of the can, because it's so full that it won't fit one more piece of rubbish?!!! He does though....never fails! I have to pull the trash out of the can and literally sit it by the back door, so that he realizes that he needs to take the trash out! lol 

It was really full yesterday too. I decided to try a recipe for my favorite pie, since I was home all day. So I baked 4 Pecan Cheesecake Pies :) It was delicious!!! But it was also 87f (30.556c) outside, so my air conditioning struggled to keep the house cool. I block my kitchen from the rest of the house with a sheer curtain in the summer to help keep the kitchen cooking heat out of the rest of the house. So, while standing in there making those pies and dinner (roast pork chops, homemade macaroni and cheese, and steamed brussel sprouts YUM) I looked like I had been running a marathon in the desert! My hair was soaked, face was beet red, and I was hot! But it was all worth it! I did enjoy the pie, and I'll freeze a couple of them for a later time, but I'm not sure that's exactly what I wanted. May have to find another recipe to try while I'm off. 

I was searching for a good book to read, but couldn't really find anything that sparked my attention. Any suggestions? I could probably occupy my time with much needed housework, but that just sounds ridiculous! Who goes on vacation and works everyday?! Somehow I've managed to find something way too productive to do every single day that I've been off. I'm not very good at the whole just do nothing thing. I may skip the cooking and cleaning today and go visit my uncle. He's dying of lung cancer, like his little sister (my mom). It's always so painful to see him like that. It takes me back to when my mom was dying. I can't imagine what they must be thinking and feeling. I can't imagine a doctor telling me that my life is coming to an end. How do you make that make sense in your brain. How do you find any way of enjoying your remaining days when you know death is coming. It's all too much for me to process. Makes me very sad. But, I do love him very much. He was my mom's favorite brother, so he's special to me. I need to be there for him and make memories while we can. So maybe that's what I'll do. I think I'll skip cooking and cleaning for my uncle. Yep. That's a plan. <3

The fiance is working over all week, so I haven't had much time with him since we got back from our mini vacation. I've been entertaining myself most of the time. I know, you're thinking "Oh, how perfect". lol I, on the other hand, hate it. I wish he were home so that we could go places and hang out. I don't like to go to public places alone. I think I told you that about my dining out. Well, it's pretty much anywhere. Except clothes shopping. Well...I don't want him there while I search and search for the clothes, but then I want him to magically appear when I come out of the dressing room for an opinion of how the clothes look on me. lol Then I need him to disappear again! :p Hmmm....I could do that too....I haven't bought myself anything in a while. Maybe I'll go buy myself some clothes or shoes :) But first I will go visit uncle! 

So here's a funny one! He called me yesterday on break from work. He must do his deep thinking while he's working and left to his thoughts in the loud factory with his headphones on. He said I have a plan! (duh, another one?!) I will not allow myself to gamble unless I have $500 in my savings account. I simply replied $500 isn't enough to do anything with. That won't pay for a vacation, that won't buy you new clothes, that won't cover the holiday spending, that won't cover another layoff from work. You need way more than that in the savings. And that also tells me that once you've saved $500, you'll gamble it all away and come up with a new plan. You know your only option is to surrender to stopping entirely. He replied "AWW DANG! I just knew you'd be so proud of me"! Uhhh....no. I'm neither proud, nor disapointed. I know where you're headed. I won't feed into your "plans" anymore. I'll simply wait for it all to fall apart and you to realize you have to STOP. Until then, your plans don't excite me, good or bad. End of conversation. 

You are 100% right. I will not buy a house with him. If I sell mine and buy another, it will be in MY name and something that I can afford on my own if I had to. I've searched high and low though, and for my price, there really isn't anyting better than what I'm living in. If it doesn't take me out of my current situation and improve it, then I won't pay a penny more for it. Maybe I'm expecting way too much for what I'm willing to pay. Or maybe I need to just relax and wait for that perfect deal to come across my path. Maybe I need to learn how to be content. That's probably more of what the problem is....the content part. 

I don't know how you fixed the blinking light problem, but around my house if I stomp a few times and shout out a couple of cuss words from the kitchen, things start getting done! Maybe that's the magic spell. It goes (stomp, stomp) "Son Of A B****!, Why in the **** hasn't the dishwasher been unloaded?! Am I supposed to shop, put everything away, drag it back out to prepare it, clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher, and UNLOAD THE **** THING TOO"?!     And ****!! like magic, things start getting done! Maybe try that spell. lol

Well, coffee cup is empty. Time to go crush candy. It's much cooler today outside. I think I'll open the windows and enjoy the breeze :) 

Be blessed! 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 31/08/2018 - 16:13

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Haha! Shopping trip never happened. I hate shopping. I have to syke myself up and then GO while I've got the motivation to do so. Needless to say, giving myself hours between deciding and going was a bad plan. I'll just order something for myself online... ;) lol I have a pretty boring wardrobe. I prefer jeans (stretchy of course), joggers or stretchy shorts, tshirts, or tshirt material tops and tennis shoes. Nothing fancy here. I changed the dress code when I took over at my agency. The old Director used to wear 3 pc suits! She was far too flashy! She was definitely good at looking the part - just not at doing the job! That was my job. And when you do the job - there's no time for 3 pc suits! lol We are a humble agency and our members don't need an intimidating, stuffy person behind a desk to greet them. They need someone approachable and down to Earth. So 1st change - NO MORE DRESSING UP! Casual, everyday clothes welcome! I'm a great boss! lol Even though, its just me bossing me most of the time. Well, except that 10 hours a week that I have the assistant there.   

lol I find it hillarious that we are on separate ends of the planet and still deal with the same issues with these ridiculous males in our lives. lol They really are a strange breed aren't they?! If only they would realize that we are the superior thinkers, and accept that our answers are always the right ones, we would do so much better in this world! You'd think they'd get tired of saying "I'm sorry, you were right afterall" over and over and over again! lol So sorry my spell didn't work. It probably p***ed your kobolds off and that's why they didn't help. Oops...

I had to google your house kobolds. That was a very cool read! I hope you are nice to yours, because from what I learned this morning, it could make your life even more difficult. See, I didn't need a book - I just read wikipedia about kobolds. Ship kobolds, mine kobolds, and house kobolds. Pretty cool little things :) 

My home is a single family house. It's actually pretty cheap on the market here. I only paid $25k for it. Our median market is probably around $85k-100k. I bought this one when I was divorced. My ex left me for a heroin addicted stripper and became a ****** too. So he not only bailed and left me holding the bag with a $100k house, 2 vehicle payments, all of the bills, and 2 sons, but he wiped my credit out in the process. So I was on the verge of homelessness and couldn't find a house to rent for me and my kids that I would even consider living in for under $800 a month. Buying was my only option to find affordable housing. My brother and his wife used their names and credit, along with my money and bought my house for me. I then filed bankruptcy, and started building my credit back up, all while paying the mortgage and any expenses attached to the house and an additional $100 to them for their kindness and for the end of year taxes as well. After 3 years, I had finally recovered enough for them to transfer my deed into my name and became a homeowner again :) But I'm at a point where I think I'm ready to move on from here to something a little better. Or maybe not. Maybe I need to stop trying to change my environment and just work on making it better here. Maybe I should just look into expanding the house or yard to accomodate what I want. Maybe??? The problem there is, if I invest money into major renovations here, I won't make it back in a sale because the property values in my neighborhood are low. So if I did it, it would be only for me to enjoy, not an investment to make more out of the eventual sale of the house. It would probably end up being a loss in the sale. So, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Typing that story out to you reminded me of how hard I worked for this little house and how much of a blessing it once was to me <3 I needed that reminder. If the right opportunity comes along for a move, I'll take it. In the meantime, I'm going to be content. 

I recommend that Maya Angelou biographies collection. But I also read the entire Harry Potter Series (J.K. Rowlings), The Shades of Grey Series (E.L. James), and the entire Flowers in the Attic Series (V.C. Andrews) and loved them all. Wow! My memory is so bad, I know I've read MANY more and can't think of a single other title right now. Those are clearly my stand-outs. I'll pass on the alian spider stories!!! That would wreck my ability to lead a normal life afterward. No thank you! No scary or mind ****ing books/movies for me! lol

You did great with being philosophical! lol More wise words have never been spoken (or typed) lol I appreciate your feedback. You reinforce to me what I already know to be true. It's nice to hear it from someone who's been there though. Then I know I'm on the right track. Thanks! 

Well, the male has awakened. Guess I'll go entertain him for a bit before he leaves for work. But 1st - I must crush my candies! 

Happy Friday!!! I hope you have a fun-filled, perfect weekend! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sat, 01/09/2018 - 14:56

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Holy ****! 280.000! That's 325,400.00 American dollars! That's a lot of money - and should have been a lot of house! Well, around here it would be. Not a mansion or anything like that, but probably a 3500 sq. foot house with 3 or 4 bedrooms in the suburbs. A most desireable neighborhood. I'm pretty sure I'll never afford one of those. Not working for a non-profit anyway. I'm ok with that though. I don't need a super fancy house. I just want one that meets my needs, makes me feel safe, and can accomodate my friends. I miss entertaining. My house, yard, and street are really all too small for entertaining. It sucks! Plus there's the flop house across the street with God knows who living there from one month to the next. They throw their trash in the street, sit outside yelling and screaming profanities and getting drunk. And it's right in front of my house on a 1-way street that's probably 12 feet wide. It's quite annoying and embarassing when I have company and we're trying to sit on my porch in and chat in the fresh air. Maybe I could buy that house for cheap and have my youngest son live there! That would fix everything! lol I'll just buy up the little houses on the block and put all of my own family in them. At least then when they are annoying me I can slap them and have less of a chance of going to jail for it! Haha!

I love your plan to avoid taxiing... have a beer and void your ability to drive. That's genius! lol "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. I decided to have some drinks myself, so I can't drive to pick you up". Genius I tell ya! lol I hope your table survives the night! lol I'm sure you're enjoying your quiet time too. As far as the dinner choice....I too eat the frozen noodles, but I've never questioned what the "stuff" in them was. Now I probably will. lol You would think it was meant to be there and has food properties right???? Or maybe not....and I'm eating something that grew in it before it was frozen!!!! OH NO!!!! lol Ehh...I've never really been too fussy, so as long as it tastes good and I don't get sick I'd probably still eat it. lol 

The Flowers in the Attic series is great! It's my all time favorite. It's a twisted tail of a wealthy family. It keeps your nose in the book! I can't remember how many books, but I think it's like 4 or 5....I googled it! There's 4. Flowers in the Attic, Garden of Shadows, Petals on the Wind, If There be Thorns and Seeds of Yesterday. You can get it in a box set if you prefer paperback vs. reading it on your phone or kindle. I'm a phone reader if I have the option (I didn't have that option when I read those books, many years ago). I enjoy flipping pages, but I never remember the book, so I find myself in perfect places to read and don't have the book with me. My phone however, never gets left behind! lol Shades of Grey - I was completely obsessed with those books! It's strange how a book about such a kinky private life was not at all like ****. It's a hott love story with drama in between. I loved it! The movies did the book a grave injustice! But that usually happens with movies based on books. Except Harry Potter - I loved that too! lol I could never get bored watching Harry and the gang fight the evil spirits that area attacking Hogwarts. lol 

Isn't it funny how thinking back on our old homes we wonder how we were ever so content to live there. lol I've lived in some real **** holes in my years. I made them home and I was happy there. When life throw you lemons, right?.... You know, on that day that I was on the news and had taken my group out. I took them to tour an old house in our town before we went to the park. The bathrooms were GORGEOUS! One was the "men's room". It was all gray. It looked a lot like a locker room, the wall tile was all gray, along with the sinks, tub, and toilet. All gray. It was stunning! Then the "lady's room" was all pink. Same with it. Everything was pink, including the wall tiles. Gorgeous! But it reminded me, I had lived in a house with an old bathroom that had that exact same tile. It was hideous! At least I thought that at the time. But seeing the perfectly manicured and pristine bathroom in this house with that pink tile, I understood the beauty of it. That's wild. I guess it's all about perception. Maybe about tile and grout maintenance too...lol Mine weren't anything close to perfect in that old house I lived in. But maybe with a little effort they could have been. hmmm.... Haha! That's like me! If you stand 50 yards away, squint your eyes, and tilt your head just right when you look at me, I look like a beauty queen! lol 

My strange male is exactly the opposite of yours. Haha! Mine knows that I'm the boss, and I'm ALWAYS right. For the most part, he lets me be. That's another character I love about him. I'm bossy. He knows it, and he's ok with that. Sometimes he'll push back, but not really much. He's very laid back and easy going. Much like you that way. On the RARE occassion (hehe) that he's right and I'm wrong, he will do a dance around me and taunt me by asking me to repeat myself when I say "You were right". lol I dont' know the dance too well though, since I RARELY see it enough to learn it.....lol

He's working again today. They were mandated to work Saturday this week :( He needs the money to help dig himself out of the hole he's dug though, so maybe it's a good thing. We'll see. But, in the meantime, I cleaned the house from top to bottom yesterday. All of the laundry is done. The outside is mowed and the house is spider web and spider free. I have NO IDEA what to do with myself. I really should go shopping or something. I just hate the idea of sitting in this house and doing nothing. But, I've been a complete failure at that since I've been home. I planned to do that the entire week....but can't force myself to sit still. I have to be productive, what the hell is wrong with me?! lol 

I think I'll go candy crush, then get dressed and go shopping. But I must get moving before the urge wears off and I talk myself out of it again. Have a great weekend far away friend! 

Be blessed!

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 02/09/2018 - 16:19

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Congrats on your table surviving! And congrats on owning one!

I came from a very modest, and poor home for most of my childhood. Well...after I was 12 and my mother finally left my very physically and mentally abusive, alcoholic father. He worked hard and provided well, so we had a nice little home, but it was filled with rage and pain! On our own, after she left we were poor and wreckless, but we were  happy. We moved around alot! For the most part, we would live somewhere for a few months and Mom would be able to keep up on the bills on her very limited income. She was disabled by then, as the years of my father's beatings and throwing her around had broken her back and she couldn't work anymore. And the ***hole, monster never gave her a dime of child support or helped us with anything. He disowned us for choosing to live with her, so I lost my father at that age as well (good riddance to bad trash). Then things like holidays would hit and Mom couldn't help herself but to buy us gifts and make a holiday feast (with the rent money) and that would start our non payment month, that she could never catch up on. Which lead to the evictions that took them around 2 to 3 months to complete. Then we'd be moved in somewhere else. That was about 6 years of my life.

My mother was only 15 when she married my father and had me. He beat her (and us) and controlled her every move for their entire marriage. So Mom had no education, no work skills, nothing. She only knew how to be a great mom and wife. But once she left my dad, she was broken and lost. She began partying like a teenager (those years she never had) and turned into an alcoholic who was in the bars all of the time. But then at 19, I became pregnant with my oldest son and our lives changed. He changed all of our lives. At that time we were all out of control. Partying, fighting, not working, my sister and I had dropped out of school. My little brother was staying at friends houses most of the time so that he could get to school in the mornings and have some type of normalcy when he was there.  It was a pretty bad situation. But when I found out I was pregnant, all of us started re-evaluating our lives and our choices. We realized that it was time to grow up and prepare a good home for our little one. He really was "our" little one too. We all adored him! It was him that made me decide to go back to school, get my degree, and start my life. I needed to be a good example of what a good person and a good citizen was for him. 

Wow...got off track. So my point was, I have some experience with having little and living in the "not so popular" parts of town. But I have street smarts and I made a lot of connections with people that I wouldn't have otherwise. Now I am able to connect with people of all walks of life. I'm not intimidated by the "thug" that may scare other people. I've learned how to adapt. So, I can manage just fine in my current neighborhood and I've made the best of it. I do feel at home. But, I also could live without the headaches of idiots. It's not something that is urgent, nor is it dangerous to live here. Which is where the struggle comes in. Do I find another house that doesn't have the "bad" neighborhood and spend more money to remove that annoyance from my life and have a house that I can entertain guests in again, without fear of the neighbors doing something ridiculous to embarrass me? Or do I live here, apologize for the idiots across the streets all of the time, but afford to enjoy trips, shopping and the other fun stuff in life? I do prefer the living part! Why can't I just have the best of both worlds?!!

Speaking of shopping - I DID IT!!! I went out and found some great deals on the clearance racks at the store. I actually found my first pair of distressed (holy and frayed) blue jeans for 10.15€ (thanks google for the conversion and for helping me figure out how to enter the euro symbol since I don't have one on my keyboard) Strange - to enter the € I have to hold the Alt button and type in 0128 Isn't that funny! That's quite complicated! I spent 172.10€ on me! 3 pairs of jeans, a long cardigan sweater, a hooded fall shirt that says "Pumpkin Spice is my favorite season" lol, a nice babydoll dress, and a pair of sneakers. I'm happy :)

I'm bummed. Since he had to work yesterday, today was supposed to be date day. Well, he's sick. Throat hurts, aching, coughing. He's about to go to the clinic. So it looks like no Melon Festival for me :( The Melon Festival is in a nearby town. It's great! They celebrate their big crop - Watermelon! So, there's watermelon EVERYTHING! Deep fried watermelon, watermelon soda, watermelon candy, and the best of all Watermelon ICE CREAM! It's a fun little gathering in a small town. We planned to go there, listen to the bands, walk around, eat some ice cream, and then end our date at the Chinese Buffet restaurant that is in the neighboring town which is amazing! Now, it looks like I'll probably find myself sitting in this **** house watching him sleep. Oops...I mean, awww I'm so sad for him that he feels bad. Poor guy needs some rest. We can just stay home so that he doesn't feel worse. I'm ok with not dating this week. (was that convincing?)

I think it's so funny how they just assume that things magically get done around them. My house would fall apart if I left it to him! I make the repairs, do the yearly maintenance, do the emergency maintenance, tend to the dusting, closet cleanouts, window washing, bathroom scrubbing, carpet cleaning, spider killing, weed killing... you name it, I do it! Speaking of weed killing - I'm no gardener either! If it can't be mowed down with the mower, I don't permit it in my yard! I do have 2 potted plants that I almost always remember to water.....almost....that sit on my porch. That's the only color you'll find in my yard! lol

Tomorrow is my last morning of vacation :( It went so fast! I'm going to try my hardest to sleep in and do nothing. We shall see. With the sick one around, it should prove to be challenging. When he gets a cold, the whole world stops and he thinks he's dying. So it's always me to the rescue! lol 

Well, he stirs, so I better go baby him for a bit. Then I can crush my candy while he's at the clinic :) 

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Mon, 03/09/2018 - 12:57

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Aww you're sweet! Thanks! I'm happy to be here! I look forward to our back and forths. 

You don't know what Pumpkin Spice is?!! Oh what a world, what a world...(stole that from The Wizard of Oz) Over here, it's the spice of the fall season. Coffees, Ice Cream, Pastry, Scented Candles. It's glorious! Do you have pumpkin pie or sweet potato pie? They are a cinnamon, spicy, maple, sweet flavor that is delicious! That is the flavor of "pumpkin spice". It's so popular in the US that its gained a cult-like following. People are crazy for it! But then there are the people who think it's gross (hmm hmm) that tease the people who love it. Hence our little impass here. lol That's what makes the shirt funny :)

He has a sinus infection. He left here talking to me like he was about to go to the oncologist and find out how many days he had left on this earth. lol Clinic for a cold? No, not me, ever. Him - oh yes of course! Please pause the world, he has a little sinus pressure. lol Needless to say date day was a bust :( It was miserably hot outside by the time we made it to the festival. We had our ice cream and left. After paying to park...ughh. Then we went to dinner at the chinese buffet - delicious as always. Hardly a word was exchanged between us though, he was being a short-tempered jerk to me all the way there, because he doesn't feel well. We stopped and rented a couple of DVD movies at the movie store and came home. He fell asleep and I entertained myself for most of the night making a delicious new pie. 

But something great did happen. My brother texted me and invited me to go out on his boat to cruise around on the lake this morning. I'm so excited! I love the water! So, sleeping in wasn't an option, but it'll be worth it to get out on the lake and feel the mist from the water splashing as we hit the waves <3 I may be going alone. I'm ok with that. He's still sleeping so I'll wake him and see how he feels. I'd just as soon welcome his absence than deal with the boohooing. 

I guess I should get some candy crushed before I have to get dressed and head to my brothers. I hope you have a glorious day. Do you celebrate Labor Day? We have a federal holiday today. It's a day off for a lot of US workers. A lot of people get paid for the day off. I'm salary, so I get the same check every payday anyway. But, none the less, I always take my week off of work before the holiday to get a free extension of my vacation ;) 

 Be careful eating those watermelon seeds! When we were children, my mom used to tell us that if we ate the seeds, we'd grow a watermelon in our belly! lol ...Come to think of it, maybe that explains my weight problem....stupid watermelon seeds.....

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Tue, 04/09/2018 - 13:56

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

I didn't end up going :( When I finally got in touch with my brother, he said that he was still in bed but that we could go if I still wanted to. I told him no, maybe another time, since the fiance wasn't feeling well. You see, prior to that phone call, I woke him up 3 different times to get ready if he was going. The 1st time he just went back to sleep. The 2nd time he said "do you think it'll be ok to be around the nephews like this" to which I replied, "Yes, you have a sinus infection. That's not contgagious". Then the 3rd time he just said "You know, if you won't be mad, I think I'll just stay home and rest. I feel really bad and I'm sure I'll make you miserable". To which I replied "I understand. If you feel that bad, I won't be mad. I'll go by myself. Rest and feel better." So, then I called my brother and we just cancelled since I was apparently the only person really feeling up to going. And unfortunately, I don't own a boat soo....

Well, he did end up waking up and sitting on the couch all morning. I changed out of my boating outfit and into house clothes and was relaxing and planning what to cook for Sunday dinner. A couple of hours go by and he says to me "Do you want to go out to my aunt's house for swimming and hanging out with everyone"? .........I thought I was going to Explode!!!! Nevermind that I have been wanting to go on a boat ride ALL SUMMER and haven't. Nevermind that I was just at your family's house yesterday (on date day). Nevermind that I have plans to entertain my son an niece for dinner today. WHAT HAPPENED TO, I SHOULDN'T BE AROUND KIDS and I DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR TIME BECAUSE I FEEL SO BADLY. Was there a miraculous healing when your sister called to tell you she was going out there?!!!! I blew up! I sent him out ALONE and spent the afternoon home by myself, until my son made it over for dinner. We were almost ready to sit down to eat when he arrived back home. We ate our dinner in separate rooms and then he came walking in to tell me and my son that he was going to go to the horse betting track for a while. ( Probably expecting me to go off again) Then he left. My son was gone when he returned. So I sat on the couch without speaking a word to him for the remainder of the evening and went to bed. I'm so tired of being at the bottom of his totem pole. I deserve to be a priority. I can't believe he could be so selfish and self-centered. 

Yes, this is the last of the stores of it's kind though. We have Redbox, which allows you to pick a DVD from a self service machine outside of our stores. You keep it for an agreed upon, and paid for, time and then return it to that same machine. But we only have the one store left, and yes, they have the "backroom" for adult rentals too. lol I realize that most anything can be downloaded onto my tv or streamed from the internet. But there's something about stopping at the rental store and browsing the movies. Much like walking through the library, instead of downloading a book to the kindle. I'll miss it when it's gone. 

I've made some lifelong friends at my past jobs too. Infact that's where I met my fiance. I was bartending at the bowling center that is attached to the horse betting parlor. He worked there too. And yes, he had a problem then! All day long, as long as he had money - it was bet, work a little, bet, work a little, cash in a bet, work a little, make some tips to spend on more bets, work a little more. I should have known! But me, being the "we all have our cross to bare" person, looked past it and figured it wouldn't be THAT big of an issue. pffft..... then it turned into, "he loves me enough to change for me". pffft...... now here we are :) I guess I can be thankful that it did bring you into my life. For that I am glad, truly. 

I'm attaching a pumpkin pie recipe. You really must try it. I hope they sell pureed pumpkin in a can there. It's much easier if you have that instead of a whole pumpkin. I'm not sure about the conversion, so if you should decide to try it, you'll have to google all of that. Pumpkin pie is a tradition on Thanksgiving here. Do with the recipe what you please. I just thought you may want to try it :)  

I'm going to finish getting ready and head back to work :/ Have a good day!

Be blessed!

 Pumpkin Pie recipe:

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves 2 large eggs 1 can (15 oz.) Pure Pumpkin 1 can (12 fl. oz.) Evaporated Milk 1 unbaked 9-inch (4-cup volume) deep-dish pie shell Whipped cream (optional)

 

MIX sugar, cinnamon, salt, ginger and cloves in small bowl. Beat eggs in large bowl. Stir in pumpkin and sugar-spice mixture. Gradually stir in evaporated milk. 

 POUR into pie shell. BAKE in preheated 425° F oven for 15 minutes. Reduce temperature to 350° F; bake for 40 to 50 minutes or until knife inserted near center comes out clean. Cool on wire rack for 2 hours. Serve immediately or refrigerate. Top with whipped cream before serving.  

Posted on:
Wed, 05/09/2018 - 14:02

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Hahaha! I got to sign in with just a click on the capcha button! No pictures this time! I get so excited when that happens!

This is actually early pumpkin season here. It's an autumn harvest. It really sounds like a difficult process if you don't have the pureed pumpkin or the evaporated milk :( And you don't like whipped cream?!!! I get the whole not eating meat thing - but WHIPPED CREAM??!!! That takes any dessert and makes it even better! I just can't make any sense of that one! 1ol

I haven't talked to him since Monday when we got into that argument. Probably 10 words total. I really am so hurt and angry with him! I'm angry with myself too. I give so much. He gives what is convenient for him. I know it's wrong of me to expect others to care as much as I do, but damn. When do I get to be important? When do my interests and desires become important? It wouldn't have cost him a penny to join me on the boat. But it was not something he really wanted to do so he played the "I'm too sick" role. That would have been a good role to play, had he not changed it up for something he wanted to do. That's what angers me so bad! We can see those people and hang out with them anytime - including the day prior. But getting an opportunity to get on the boat and go out on the lake isn't available anytime. I have waited ALL SUMMER for an opportunity. I'm so busy running around trying to please everyone and include everyone and make sure everyone is ok. But when it comes to me, it's up to me. **** that! And then to use me as an excuse to go bet away any money you may have or add more debt to your credit card? Hell, I don't know that he did any of that. I have no idea what he did. I really don't care. I'm tired of fighting for my place. Clearly I am not anywhere near the top of his list. I deserve the top spot. I'm a good woman. I have been loyal, loving, caring, empathetic, supportive, encouraging, helpful, committed, and steadfast. I deserve to be treated like I'm worth something. 2nd best (hell, 5th best) is not fun. 

Anyway, enough boohooing about poor me. Work was good. I was very busy getting caught back up. It'll be another busy day today too. I don't mind though. It's better than sitting there waiting for the clock to move. The faster the days move along, the faster I'll get back to the weekend! 

I'm a firm believer that for all that goes wrong in the world, if we open ourselves to the lesson to be learned, it makes the bad times worth living through. Yes, a bad occassion brought me here, but meeting you and finding the enlightenment that you bring to my world has made it all worth it. I am blessed. I hate that I have this monkey on my back and I do want it off so badly. But I realize, thanks in big part to you, that I have no control over his addiction. I can only focus on strengthening me and beating that burden off of my own back, because it isn't mine to bare. I need to allow him to carry the bricks he keeps piling on his back and not offer to help anymore. You have helped me to see that more clearly. I am thankful for that. So, even though bad brought me here, good has come of it! 

Kudos to you for being nice! You have to earn those buttons for use at a later date. They are currency for when you need a favor ;) Trust me, I have a truckload! Now if I could only find someone willing to cash them for me. If I had a coin for everytime I thought of him before myself - I'd be rich! 

It's going to be a hot one here today. Record setting high temps. The schools even closed. I'll be hiding in the AC and watching the television. I cooked yesterday, and made enough for today as well. Taco salad! Yum! So I'll come home and mix another fresh salad up, warm up the leftover taco meat and dinner is served. Easy! I love 2 day meals. I hate having to cook all of the time. I can't afford to eat at restaurants everyday, so I have no choice. So, I just make BIG meals that make good leftovers and eat them twice :) 

Time to get a move on it. Have a great day my friend! Maybe I'll get lucky and the capcha will let me end with one click too...(fingers crossed)

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Thu, 06/09/2018 - 13:59

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

You are so funny! I am here picturing you sitting at your desk (you probably look nothing like my imagination lol) just doing the back and forth with your eyes like you're watching a tennis match lol. Just hoping no one will ask your input. lol I have a feeling you're not a big fan of confrontation. I'm so completely opposite of that. I have been known to be a big mouth. I have never been good at biting my tongue. That's probably why I'm so good at the professional advocate thing. Never the less, I'm so glad you survived it! lol 

You don't have AC at your office?! I couldn't deal with that! I'd be a sweaty mess! The heat was so high yesterday that it was physical labor to walk from the office door to my car. The car was so hot that it was suffocating until the AC kicked in. I wasn't sure I'd survive it. But I did :) Here I am :)

That quote and the translation were beautiful! I agree. It's something I know, just easier said than done. I am a very selfless person, so it's very difficult for me to understand that everyone isn't like that. I'm learning though. I'm a work in progress, that's for sure. 

Haha! Yes, I'm ready for the weekend! That's the problem with vacations. When I get time off, I want more time off! lol I actually schedule my return week accordingly. I already know before I leave that I'm not going to do well with returning. lol So I schedule as little responsibility into that week as possible. I need time to acclimate! lol

Speaking of time to acclimate, I am being bombarded with texts and calls this early in the morning. Leave me alone people!!! I'm having coffee and writing my friend!!! It's silent time for me!!!! Go away!!!! lol 

Ughh...there my phone goes again. I guess I better run. Have a good day! 

Be blessed! 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 07/09/2018 - 15:23

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Thanks for the input Kate. Welcome to the feed. I am working hard on it. The hardest part is that we are coming up on 8 years together, engaged, and I love him to pieces. I have come a long way from where I was when I started this feed, but I still have so much work to do on me. I realized through this last couple of weeks that he enjoys taking me back to where I was. It feeds his fuel to continue to screw up his own life with his cg. That's the cool part about this forum, sharing has enlightened me. Just typing out the story to share reveals to me my own failures and faults in how I deal with him and his addiction. It strengthens me and my resolve to focus on myself and my own healing. I'm not willing to walk away from him and give up on him though, and that's the hard part. Living through the addiction and trying to focus on me, and praying he will surrender to treatment is a very difficult journey. 

Blue - No, I wasn't at work. I was at home sitting at my cozy desk in my dining room. Not the kitchen, but close! lol You were correct about me being home enjoying my coffee and being bombarded with calls and texts. That's something you probably figured was happening at work, since you're not one to even let your personal phone make sound or answer yours predictably. lol Me, I don't miss a call, so everyone calls me first for everything! hahaha...Another one of those "try to fix the world" characteristics in me. So now I'm admitting, I probably overwhelm myself....(see, there's more of that clarity you help me with). If I turned my phone to silent and leave it in the other room, I wouldn't find myself bombarded would I?! (ahhh, I get it now!)Yep, I'm definitely inviting that chaos in with the morning phone distractions. Work in progress, remember..... lol

I'm so glad you get to spend some time with your friend. Those lifelong friends are the best! I have 1. I had a best friend from age 5, that went all the way through school with me as my best friend, and then through adulthood as well. Then, after 35 years of being best friends, she and I disagreed on one of her choices, and she blocked me out of her life. I was angry, hurt, confused, and lost for some time. I mourned it like a death. It was very sad. But then I got angry. How dare you walk out of a lifetime of friendship?! You were my sister, more than my friend! Then I finally let it go. It took me about 2 years to get over that. I still wonder about her and wonder if she misses me. It's been around 4 years I think. 

But that wasn't supposed to be about the bad part of it, it was supposed to be about the good part! I also have a friend that I've been friends with since I was 13 years old, from school. She and I are still very close. Life keeps us busy, but when we do get a chance to hang out, it's like we never missed a minute apart. We talk non-stop and laugh as much too! I look forward to those connections. Good friendship is priceless! 

No worries - in my imagination, you're beautiful. :) Even though you refuse to compliment a single thing about yourself!  

This coffee is exceptionally good this morning, by the way! I make it the same everytime, yet some days it tastes perfect and other days not so much. Oh well, I'll take the good with the bad, even in coffee. lol 

Haha! I picture that pumpkin sitting alone with a sad face. I'm laughing so hard here! You would be the one to stumble accross the lonely pumpkin. lol And when you become a mega millionair from the pumpkin patch you decide to invest in - don't forget that friend in the US! I wonder if my partner thinks I'm a loon?! So many of our conversations cause me to say and do strange things when he and I are out, and he is clueless! Like the pumpkin - I guarantee that when we are out and I see my first pumpkin of the season, I will most definitely start laughing. He will have no understanding of what in the world is so funny. And I won't have any desire to explain to him that it's an inside, joke from across the world....lol  

He bought me flowers....on his cc. lol He apologized for being so selfish and promised to try harder. We will see...

Speaking of him....he wakes! Guess I'll go for now. I hope you had a wonderful visit with your friend! Happy Friday Blue!!! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sat, 08/09/2018 - 14:57

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

I use creamer in my coffee as well. Just creamer. Nothing else. I used to use sugar too, but it was one of my sacrifices for the "making healthier choices" lifestyle that I've embraced. I can't beat this weight thing over night. But I can make small changes that will hopefully add up over time. Like walking the cart back to the corral at the grocery store, instead of pushing it into a parking spot or out of the way for one of the employees to gather it when they come outside for cart collection, or choosing no bun when I have a cheeseburger or hotdog, and now - skipping he tablespoon of sugar in my large mug of coffee. I feel like I've made a zillion little changes and kept up on them, but apparently, not enough to see any real progress. I'm going to have to start working on the hard stuff one of these days. ughhh....

Yeah, I think you should study the pumpkin plant. lol I feel like a surplus of watermelon could be disastrous! I'm pretty sure that the pumpkin pie recipe would be a complete failure if you tried it with watermelon. And my front porch would look really funny with a bunch of watermelons with faces carved in them for the Halloween holiday. lol Next year it is. :)

Haha! You're in the "5 minutes late is still on time" club too!!! At my office, my assistant knows not to even bother showing up early. She will find herself sitting in the parking lot waiting....until around 5 after for me to arrive. lol It's the candy crush addiction I tell you! I will intentionally be late for work if I've got a good game going!! lol It's terrible, but I can't get enough of that game. Thankfully, it doesn't cost me anything. Well, except time with family, getting to work on time, and morning productivity around the house. lol 

What did you end up going to see? Thumbs up or down? I'm a movie buff, so I'm always looking for a good one to see. I hope you had a good time out. Sounds like you need some positive reinforcement to prepare you for your overnight guest :p You'll survive it, I'm sure of it. Just focus on the fact that every minute that passes is a minute closer to her exit! lol Maybe she comes bearing good tidings of great joy! Maybe she's decided to give you a beautiful penthouse suite in the city with everything you could ever want in a flat, including a beautiful garden, planted on the private roof, that the grounds keepers maintain. All you'd have to do is watch you pumpkins grow as you sit in a hammock all day and read books :) 

I went to the high school football (US football, not soccer) game yesterday and had a blast watching the kids. We are crazy for our high school football games in our area. You would think it was a NFL game. I hardly have any voice left from screaming and cheering. I went with my son. Both of my sons played when they were in high school, and were team captains. I was a Super Team Mom! So I learned to love the sport and what it does for the teenagers who play it. The discipline and molding that takes place to create a good football player is amazing. My sons started football just as I was divorcing my ex husband, and the ex decided to abandon them as well. So the coaches and the sport became the "man" in their world to teach them how to be young men. Football helped mold my sons into respectable, driven young men. I am grateful for that! After the game, I treated my son to a nice late night dinner out. I enjoyed a steak and potatoes and he had a GIANT cheeseburger and fries. I love to get them out alone like that to connect with them. We had some really good conversation. He was going on and on about how proud he has always been of how hard I worked for him and his brother after the divorce, and how he defends me to the old mutual friends that I had with my ex, who now aren't in my life. He said it's important to him that they know, it wasn't my mom's fault - it was my dads. His dad is active in his life now, Thank God! There is no greater pain than having a parent turn their back on you as a child. I know that all too well. So, I'm glad that they are all better. But it was 5 good years of just me and my boys. I was working from waking until sleeping hours. Much of which, I don't even remember. It was all a blur. But when my son tells me how proud he is of me as a mom and what my sacrifice means to him - it's all worth it! Sorry....I got way off track there...... I had a GREAT Friday night with my son at the football game! lol That's all I meant to say! lol

Time to get started on my Saturday. I don't really have anything important to do. He was mandated to work today, so date day is going to have to be tomorrow. Guess I'll just be lazy. I think that's a good idea! My oldest son called yesterday to tell me that he will be moving back to town. His job on the railroad no longer needs him across the country, so he will be back at his house on Monday, for good. Which means my youngest son, and my niece will be packing up their things and moving back here. My fiance didn't like that news very much. But he knew when he came into this relationship that I was a package deal. My sons come first, and my nieces got a raw deal in life, so I could never abandon them to having nowhere to go. Their parents (my sister and their father) are full blown drug addicts who have ruined their own lives. I can't allow my nieces to suffer any more than the reality of their parents causes them. her big sister enlisted in the army at 18, so she is taking care of herself. I will help this one get on her feet and get a good start in life too. Hell, I've raised her. She's more of a daughter than a niece anyway. But - they were both out of my house since February of this year, so it's been nice having just the fiance and I here. Well, the family is going back to the way we were before and that makes me happy! So he'll have to get over it! I do think I need a break before it hits though! lol 

Have a great Saturday. I look forward to hearing all of the wonderful details of the sil visit....hahahaha! Keep your chin up champ! You can do this!!! lol 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sun, 09/09/2018 - 15:42

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Flat shopping on a Sunday. That sounds like the makings of a catchy song. lol I bet you could write a very entertaining verse or two! lol 

When visiting the sil, just remember, she could be asking to come and live with you...and you'll feel better about the visit :p

I'm so sorry that you don't have a close relationship with your family. But I'm not so sure if that's the right sentiment. I'm not so sure that effects you negatively. I have the exact opposite with my family and can't imagine it any other way, so it makes me sad that you don't have it. But if this is the best arrangement for you in your ideal life, then who am I to think it's not perfect for you? I hope it is. I hope that it's not you desiring to have a close relationship and don't. I know that would suck bad! You deserve happiness, in whatever form that may be! 

Trust me, the no bun thing is a tough adjustment! Taking a cheeseburger or hotdog and making it a knife and fork meal, instead of a dripping down your arm, wide mouth opening, delicious bite from your hands is tough! I still slip up and eat buns sometimes. Like if we go to a takeout restaurant, I eat the bun :) I cooked hotdogs yesterday and I ate the buns! They were delicious too! I made the hotdogs and the onion rings in my air fryer and they were amazing! The hotdogs came out like they had been fried in oil, but not! They were casing franks, so the skin got very crispy and delicious! Put them on a bun, and it's like a gourmet meal! lol

So he hit a small amount on Friday. It was $290 US. Enough to pay half of his cc debt off and take care of a bill or 2. That was his plan anyway. Instead, he blew it. And so the cycle continues. I HATE when he wins any money! It feeds his fire. So, rather than allow myself to stress  about it, I just haven't concerned myself with it at all. Neither celebrating nor nagging. I just don't respond. He really does try very hard to include me in his mess. He really does try to pull me in so that I will harp on him and make myself crazy worrying. I think it's bs! When he did start dumping his "Oh look what happened, yay me"! stuff, I simply replied: "2 months ago, you said I needed to work on my own happiness, and you were going to work to get better, for us".  "As of right now, you have bigger debt, and less cash on hand than ever, including 2 months ago". "So, who's doing the hard work here? Where is your progress or change"? And I was done with the conversation. I don't want to be drug into the pit with him anymore. I'm a fixer. As soon as I get down there with him, I try to think of ways to fix him, and us. I'd rather not. If it's to succeed, it will. If it's to fail, it will. I realize that now. I just have to work on my world. If he stays in it and gets better, yay! If he gets worse and doesn't stay, I need to keep my best foot forward for the journey. Focus!

I went to the store yesterday. Yes, I actually walked into a store! I did look on Amazon 1st though, and realized that ceiling fans are probably something I should look at up close and personal. So I did! I bought 2 new fans with light fixtures to mount to my ceilings and get rid of the overhead lights that are so very old in my house. Now I'm praying that I can wire them right, and not burn my house down. lol I think I've googled enough videos to be educated on it. I can do it! I once (actually like 3 times) used google and youtube videos to repair my washer and dryer! I replaced a moter and a seal in the washer, and the dryer heater core. I also installed 2 new light switches using google and youtube! I've correctly diagnosed 3 of my nieces car issues using it too! lol Who needs to hire professionals - just youtube it! Heck, who needs school, or training, just youtube it! lol Just joking, I don't profess to be a pro and I certainly wouldn't do a lot of things that need done. But when I can "do-it-yourself" a project and save hundreds of dollars, I'm going to try it! lol 

Ice Hockey over Football??!!! I believe we have reached an impass here..... You don't like football??!!! I would have rather learned that you didn't know what it was!!!! Oh the agony of this knowledge to my soul.... lol We have a lot of ice hockey fans here too. My friends from the upper northern part of the US LOVE ice hockey. They are constantly posting pictures of themselves at the games. My sons watch it, but more for the fighting and teeth getting busted out portion than for the actual sport of it, I think. lol  If I'm being honest, I don't really care for the NFL much either. I'd rather not have my television filled with sports all weekend. I am a super fan of any sport my sons play. That's what I am, actually. So, Friday nights under the lights watching the high school kids play football with my sons. Cheering for our alma matter (I graduated from the same school) and bonding with my sons is probably the draw for me. 

Was/is your step father a good man? I hope he is good to you and your siblings. My mom never remarried. I think it was because of us. We made her life hell when she would try to talk to someone else. We chased every one of them away. Until the point where she just accepted that she couldn't have a boyfriend. She just committed her life to us. I regret being that thorn in her side when she was trying to find a good man. She deserved to be cared for and loved by a good partner. We messed that up for her. So, since you don't have a close relationship with your family, who is your confidant? Who is your secret keeper? Who is your person that will love and support you no matter what? My mom was that for me. When she passed away, I lost that. I miss it dearly. I treasured her. I do hope you have known/or know that kind of relationship in your life. It doesn't have to be your parent or siblings, but I hope you have someone that you can run to with anything, who will just drop everything and support you, right or wrong. We all should know that feeling. 

I feel like you bring a special light to the world. One that deserves to shine brightly! Your view of the world is quirky and fun :) I hope that those people in your life appreciate that about you. I do! 

Time to start calling my son and bothering him non-stop until he comes over with the ladder that I need to install these ceiling fans. I can be a real bother when I want to! Plus, my oldest son is moving back tomorrow! So, my youngest will be moving back home today. We are so happy to have my oldest home again! It's been 7 months! It's bittersweet though, since he has to leave the girl that he met and fell in love with there. The state he was living in is 12 hours away from us. She told him that she would quit her job and relocate here with him, since he wants to make her his wife. But she is putting in a 1 month notice to her job. I'm not sure that's her actual plan. She may be just trying to put some time and space between them to make breaking up with him easier. Time will tell. Either way, I'm glad he's home. I hope he realizes that he needs to be near his family and doesn't decide to pack up and leave us to live there if she decides she's not moving here. I would just die! I can't imagine my baby living that far away from me permanently. Let alone, the grandchildren they will have for me will be raised on the other side of the country :( I don't even want to entertain those thoughts....CEILING FANS! 

I'm going to get busy on my handywoman jobs. Time to bug my son! Have a good visit with the inlaws. Remember, she could be coming to live with you. An afternoon at the inlaws with her is a piece of cake! lol 

Be blessed! 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 10/09/2018 - 15:13

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

You have got to figure out how to get more sleep at night! That little sleep can't be good for your body, or your mind. That makes me sad that you're running on a few hours of sleep everyday. I'd be a lazy, non-productive piece of dirt if that were me. I need at least 7-8 good hours, and then sometimes find myself wanting to get a nap (rarely, but sometimes). You know, doing that for too long can cause you become physically sick too. Maybe try having a shot of liquor or a mixed drink before bed (a hot toddy tea perhaps). Sounds like you're going to need to be in tip-top shape mentally and physically for the new flat renovations.....lol You are so tolerant! He is so blessed. 

Your sil sounds just like my sister (I only have 1 sister and 1 brother btw) and her youngest daughter. Everything and everyone in this world is against her. She is a survivor of everyone and everything trying to destroy her or make her fail. Every failure in her world is someone else's fault. It's exhausting! My niece tries to pull that stuff with me, and I will stop her in mid-meltdown to give her a reality check. "Stop that boohooing...Poor me, Oh why me? ****!" Life is unfair sometimes. Suck it up, figure out your plan, and stick to your guns. Fight through the hard times, and celebrate your victories. But most of all, don't forget to reflect on YOUR OWN fault in this failed (whatever it is today)!!! We all wish life were easy and that we could have everything that we desire. But the truth is, hard work and sacrifice come in to play. Both of which, neither my sister or her daughter are willing to do! lol I was never fortunate enough to have someone else to blame if things went bad. I had no one to call to dig me out of the pit. My mother was poor. My father was absent. I was the oldest, so I had no siblings to call on. Well, when we were younger that is. I can call on my brother now that he's grown and established. But probably never would. I have always been a survivor. I have to make the hard choices and do the extra work to assure that me and mine will be ok. But isn't that what we're supposed to do? Not that constant babbling about how unfair and unkind the world is?! My favorite phrase is "Suck it up Buttercup!" That's the response for all of the crybabies in my life. lol I'm glad you had a good visit otherwise though. 

No, I was not implying that your step dad was violent. I was simply asking if he was a good man to your mom and her children. Your reply told me the answer. Ughh...there's nothing worse than a power hungry, verbally abusive man. My father was that man, in addition to a physically abusive a******! He was a monster. Just evil! 

I'm glad that you're happy with the relationship of you and your family. That's all that matters. We all have our journeys and different ideas of happiness. I couldn't be without my family on a regular basis. But that doesn't make either of us right or wrong. Whatever makes you happy is good. It is just strange to someone like me who is close to mine. Probably the same reason your partner tries to encourage you to be closer with yours, he just doesn't get it. Kind of like the fact that you don't eat delicious, sweet, fluffy whipped topping....that just doesn't make any sense to me! lol  To each their own though, right?!  

Yep, I've given up any bit of hope for him to get help. I'm only fooling myself. Him winning that money was a complete reset for him. So, in the end the only person that worked on anything was me, of course. But hey, when he finds himself out of my life and me moved on and happy, maybe then he'll realize what he had to lose. He's a CG in the worst way. He's even gambling on our relationship and how far he can push me before I break. He's gambling on whether his gambling will end us or not. He doesn't even see that though I don't stress him about his gambling, and we're arguing much less, my resentment and disdain for him continue to grow. There will come a day when I'm tired. Once I've become tired, I will walk and never look back. That's who I am. He's betting it all on red, so to speak. But the house always wins! Why can't he understand that?! grrrrr.....

My ceiling fans look amazing! But what should have been a 2 hour job turned into a 7 hour job! This house is SO OLD that the wiring is not what you'd expect when you get into the ceiling and walls. So, we had mounting issues, wiring issues, power issues, remote control issues, and I had 2 men (my son and fiance) who could only help in shifts, because it was football Sunday. How dare I plan this project on football Sunday?!! What was I thinking?!! So I just kept punching along, and guilted them into helping :p In my world, it was a perfect day to do it. It was our postponed date day, so I didn't have to cook dinner (he bought). The house is clean from my vacation, so all I had to do was sit around. Good day to do a DIY project to improve my home! And boy did they improve it! They look (and feel) amazing! Now, I just need to keep my fingers crossed and my nose operating good to smell any smoke or burning plastic, just incase I screwed something up...lol I'm sure I didn't.....I think....(sniff, sniff)

This is such a weird morning. Today is the first day of my new schedule. At the request of our main funding agency, my business is now opening from 1pm-7pm on Mondays. So we offer an evening once per week. Apparently, there's a population of people I may be missing who work daytime hours....we shall see. So my alarm went off this morning and here I am wide awake. I think I'll enjoy this though. 1:00 is the time I find myself ready to get motivated on my days off. It extends my already long 3 day weekend to almost a 4 day weekend. I'll go into work more motivated and ready for the day. This could be a good thing. 

So my oldest son called yesterday to check in and we talked about him moving back to town. I told him that if that girl decides to relocate for him, she's probably the one he should marry. He said if she does, that we should start saving for a trip to Italy. He said that they've already talked about it (nothing official or anything) and they will go to Italy to be married with just their closest family members. Then they will return to the states to have a hog roast for their reception. It's so funny that he wants that for his wedding. It perfectly fits his genetic makeup. His father is Italian and I am Hillbilly Redneck (slang term for country folk). So the perfect wedding for his Italian side is Italy, and the perfect reception for his hillbilly side is a hog roast. lol Incase you don't know what a hog roast is, it's where we take a whole hog, gut it, and slow roast it on a spit, outside, for hours and hours. Then you just cut into the hog and eat a chunk. DELICIOUS! I've probably just spoiled your appetite for the day, sorry. lol Along with the hog, you have lots of sides like corn on the cob, vegetables, casseroles, breads, and LOTS OF BEER. Usually on a farm with the shelter for the party being a big red barn. But the party is an outside party for sure. It's a really fun time! So, I may be needing that passport afterall. I may be able to check one of those items off of my bucket list and go to Italy <3 But first, I need this girl to be a good option for him to marry. She better be! 

I think you're just going to have to break down and make the pumpkin pie! That may be your million dollar business there! If you don't see them there, then they will be new to your area. They may be a huge hit and you can quit your job and just stay home and bake pies all day and make lots and lots of money! lol Then people all over will think of you everytime they see a pumpkin! I have your slogan - "Jana pumpkin pie?" If I'm pronouncing your name right (YAH-na), then it sounds like "You want a pumpkin pie?" Just slurred a bit as if you were drunk...lol  There, I've come up with the product, and the slogan. Remember, don't forget me when you make it to the rich club! lol

Time to get motivated. Coffee is gone, I've typed you a book to read, and there are candies just waiting to be crushed! I hope you have a great week. Mondays always suck. But on the bright side, by the time you read this, yours will be almost over! 

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Tue, 11/09/2018 - 14:15

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Oh Blue...I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry that those feelings found their way back into your mind :( You did well though! You remained poised and focused on the bad that was attached to that machine. Good job! That story could have gone WAY different. Don't beat yourself up. You did great. I understand that frustration, especially when he doesn't understand what he's doing by involving you in it. That's the secret coming out to remind you it's still there....but that's for you to deal with on your own time. I'm not pushing or judging. 

And all of your random thoughts belong here! We are sharing and supporting. No need to censor your thoughts (only your swearing lol). I'd hate to get kicked out and lose touch with you! How would I ever be able to enjoy my morning coffee again??!!! It would be tragic!!! 

Excuses....hmmmm.....I've grown quite fond of this flat. This flat makes me feel closer to you. We've built a home here. It makes me so sad to think of not waking up in this flat ever again. I'm afraid that starting over somewhere else could drive a wedge between us. Just a few ideas for you....lol

Ohpp...I have to close. My oldest son is home :) He just walked in the door. I'll get back to you soon. Have a great day my friend! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Wed, 12/09/2018 - 14:15

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Haha! So kind of you to offer the au-pair a drink after the laundry is finished. lol You really are such a sweetheart. lol

Maybe the new flat will be a wonderful place. I'm not a fan of change either. But I do find that most of the time it brings good things. It's just getting through the whole "changing" part that's hard. 

You're right, I was confused by your taxing system. So were you saying that because you make less, they take more of your pay for taxes, and because he makes more, they take less of his? And I've forgotten where the keys are on my keyboard to make that euro sign...lol No time to google this morning - got a late start. 

Yep, my house would drive you insane! Most people have been instructed to just walk in. If they are family, they don't need to knock. And none of them call before arriving. They just show up. The only time it becomes troubling for me is if we are about to have dinner and I haven't prepared enough to offer them a plate. Then I am anxious because I won't eat in front of them, and my whole dinner will sit in the kitchen getting cold while they visit, or I end up splitting my meal to accomodate them. Fat girls do not like to share our food! lol

Allergic to iceburg lettuce? That's a strange one. It's all water. there's really nothing to it. hmm....I have to admit, I probably would have laughed my head off if I'd have seen her. I have a terrible nack for laughing at people's misfortunes. Even when I know it has to hurt...like the accidental falling....cracks me right up! Poor girl. (snicker, snicker)

I just had to change a load. My youngest moved back home with 3 trashbags full of dirty laundry! My entire washer and dryer are packed full of clothes. He assumes that putting the clothes into the machines is the final step of doing his own laundry. He has a rude awakening coming when he gets off work today! I want every stitch of those clothes on hangers and hung where they go. The one thing I did enjoy when they were at my oldest son's house for the past 8 months is not having to do the extra Mommy stuff. Then I realized - HE IS 22 YEARS OLD. He can do his own damn laundry - he's managed for 8 months to get it done! Rules changed in my house that moment! I told him, listen kid - it's time to grow up and make yourself an asset to me when here, not a burden. If it needs done - do it! Don't wait for me to ask for help. Period! We'll see how that goes...

I was so angry yesterday! I got home from work and the ceiling fan in the livingroom had stopped working! I had to take the entire thing apart and rewire it and rehang it. As if the 3 times each I had done this with the 2 fans on Sunday weren't enough! I was furious!! But it's working again. Thank God! 

Well I hate to be short again, but I've had a really late start to my day and must get moving. I hope you have a great day. DON'T FORGET THAT CREDIT REPORT! lol 

Be blessed! 

Posted on:
Thu, 13/09/2018 - 13:42

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

You build chairs too?! We are quite a pair, you and I! We are DIY experts! But, for me, only if I can youtube the video of someone else doing it! And I'm also one to follow those instructions step....by.....step. No shortcuts, no guessing, follow those steps! lol It drives the men in my house bonkers to build things with me. You know, men think there's always an easier way to build things. You don't need those stupid instructions! It's ok if there are spare pieces when you're done! The manufacture meant for that to happen.....ughhhh!

I'm pretty busy today too. I feel like this has been the longest work week ever! I think its the hours change on Mondays. It feels like I've not stopped go, go, going. And we have our Recovery Walk on Saturday. I do look forward to it, but having to wake up at 7:00am on Saturday to have enough time to drink my coffee and get to the walk by 8:30 sucks! It'll be an even longer week after doing that! But its an awesome event. Its the community gathering to celebrate those people who are successfully living in recovery with mental illness or drug/alcohol addiction. We have a short walk to a park and then a rally where everyone celebrates and local dignitaries speak, and the directors of the agencies (like me) take the microphone and tell the community about our services and how proud we are to represent the success of our services. It's fun! They do a balloon (biodegradable balloons) release for those who we've lost in the battle for recovery. Then they do a count-down. This is where they ask who has 60+ years sober. That person (or people) will raise their hand. They will determine who has the highest amount of years based on who raises their hands for 60+. Then they start counting down from that highest number and asking people who has 50, 49, 48 etc. until they reach the person who has 1 day, or 1 hour sober. Then the person with the longest time offers the person with the shortest time advice, to attend an Alcoholics/Addicts Annonymous meeting with them, and the 12-steps to recovery book, also known as The Big Book. It's a very popular self-help, peer support book for those who are trying to get clean and sober and stay that way. Do you know of the 12-step program there? Its a very powerful event. It touches alot of people. We spend alot of time focusing on all of the losses. And right now, in America, heroin is killing our people by the truckloads everyday. It's terrible! Suicide is another one that is wiping us out, on the mental illness side. So taking a break from all of the doom and gloom to celebrate those who are fighting to not be another statistic is very moving! 

Wow! I get started talking about recovery and mental illness and get lost rambling on and on. Sorry!

So your partner is about to break into the millionair's club! Getting rich off of the game he created! Yay for him! Don't forget your long lost poor friend in the US when you hit the big time! Is the game available in the US? Is it a board game or an electronic game? What's it called? I'll buy a copy and support your millionair status! 

Well, time to crush my candy and get ready for my day full of adventure and fun....not. lol Work calls. I must answer. lol

Don't forget to stop and smile in the middle of all of the chaos of your busy day! :)

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Thu, 13/09/2018 - 17:08

ODAAT

Joined:
2014-11-10

Howdy ladies, just thought I’d drop by with a link for you...I have no idea if it will work but this Sister Bea my all time favourite addiction speaker, giving an hour long therapy & she is amazing!  I’m working the 12 Steps (veeeerrryyy slooooowly) but I need this program because with gambling I’m heading for destruction & without gambling I didn’t know how to function...Today, I still make dumb choices but my body & my mind is calm thanks to the program & people I have met like your goodselves in recovery.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=1BOjQpJ1J60

Posted on:
Fri, 14/09/2018 - 15:53

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

ODAAT thanks for the link. I'll listen to it when I get finished here. Thanks for the kind words too. We are just a couple of people who found a connection (that I am so grateful for btw) and check in on one another to encourage a smile or positive thoughts. Plus, we like to type a lot of nonsense, which we both enjoy reading as well. lol It's amazing how just having that connection helps to keep things in focus for me. I'm blessed to have found Blue! I appreciate everyone on the forums. They all bring enlightenment and support to the page. Funny, I had to reach across the world to find it! 

Blue, I'm not the quiet one who walks away. I'm the one in the middle of the room screaming at the top of my lungs, calling the chair and the partner names! lol I get so frustrated with him! And that half***ed aproach must be something men do. If its "sort of" working correctly, that's good enough. If it has a bit of lean,  that's ok too. lol Sends me through the roof! That's how the ceiling fans were taken apart and put back together 3 times each! I refuse to just say "ahhh, that's good enough". The one thing my monster of a father did beat into my head is "if you're going to do it, do it right, or don't do it at all"! Now my partner, and my sons get the back end of that determination....lol They all just kind of step back, red-faced, grumbling under their breaths and let me rant and rave until I'm quiet, then return to helping me. lol I am a bear when it comes to things like that! 

I'm off today, so I'm going to just do nothing, well, except I have to pick up the groceries. I signed on late today to post, because I was busy clicking away online for my grocery order. Exhausting....lol I've become so spoiled to the online shopping, and pick up at the store, that I complain about it taking too long to click on all of my groceries now....wow! lol 

I'm having a bad time with him lately! He has his cc balance up higher than ever. He continues to come in the house with things he's "purchased". But knowing him the way I do, he is going to the store to CHARGE sweets for his "sweet tooth", but it's actually his excuse to pull the cc out. Once he pulls it out, it's ok to stop and  CHARGE $30, $50 in gambling. And since he hit last week, he's on this high that I can't bring him down from. It makes me so sad to watch him do this to himself. His pit continues to grow deeper. I wish I could bring rock bottom up to meet him! I feel like him losing me and finding himself back where he started when we met is going to be his bottom. Then again, maybe even that isn't enough. It feels like watching someone you love in water drowning. He keeps dipping under the water and I can't get to him to save him. How many times will he go under before he stays under :'( And here I am trying to focus on myself and learn to find happiness around that. It's very difficult! I love him very much and want only good in his world. It sucks!

White and coffee flavored chocolate?! He got that on clearance somewhere! It had to have been the cheaper version of what was availabe, since there's no women in the world that would prefer that over good ole fashioned chocolate - chocolate! Are there?! Nah!!! I say no! Poor wife of his...she's probably so tired of pretending to enjoy his gifts. lol He needs a confidant like me, I'd tell him! LISTEN BUD, THAT IS NOT WHAT WE LIKE! STOP WASTING YOUR MONEY ON THE JUNK CHOCOLATE AND GET THE GOOD STUFF! lol 

Haha! I found it! Is it in a box so small that it will fit in your pocket?! The page I found says that its still in production or something and you have to sign up and pledge for a chance to get it at release. I love that the I in epic is dotted with an eyeball. lol 

I suppose I will go try to listen to the link now. Maybe he will hear it, since he just woke up. Maybe it will inspire him! Probably not, but a girl can dream right! 

I hope you have a fabulous weekend Blue! I'm sure I'll get on and tell you all about mine! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sat, 15/09/2018 - 12:07

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Good for you! 12 hours of sleep! See, you can push your body and not sleep, but when it's had enough - it WILL rest. So glad you got to catch up! I too am a bit pressed for time this morning. I have the walk in about an hour and a half, and still have to load my table and information to the park where we will end the walk, so people can visit my table and learn more about my agency. 

I had to say - OMG! That Bea was the most hilarious woman I have ever listened to!!! I was cracking up, home all alone just laughing and laughing. But then she had me crying. She is AMAZING! She is absolutely doing what God called her to do. She is inspiring, motivating, and uplifting. I loved every second of it! I would definitely go see her on a tour of the US! 

I'm going to guzzle this coffee down and head out for the busy morning. I hope you have a great day! I had pizza on Friday too. It was delicious! But that's nothing new around here. In addition to his addiction to gambling, my partner is also addicted to pizza! He orders pizza in probably twice a week and bakes the frozen kind at home probably 3 days a week (even if he eats dinner that I also cook regularly). So, for me, it has to be REALLY good pizza for me to be impressed. I'm so tired of eating pizza all of the time ( I still always have to have a piece or two though - more fat girl problems). 

I do hope the kitchen drawer is ok.....

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sun, 16/09/2018 - 14:53

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Morning! Well, the walk was a huge success! There was a man there with 50 years of sobriety! The turn out was great! I was given another opportunity to address the community and welcome people to visit our agency and learn how powerful peer-support is for those who suffer with mental illness. It was a great morning. I was exhausted by the time it was over though! I got home and sent him off to work, and decided I would sleep until he returned if I wanted to. That plan quickly came to a hault! As I was laying my head down on the pillow, my nephews called and asked if they could come over and have a sleepover at my house. They know I won't say no, so they were here 3 hours later. I did sleep for 2 hours though, I had to get a nap in! 

We went to the local mini golf place for mini golf, go kart racing, and arcade games. It always cost me a LOT of money when they come over. No wonder they like to come to my house for the night. lol That's the price you pay to be the "cool Aunt" though, so I'm ok with it ;) We stopped and picked up chicken at a take out restaurant and come home for a late dinner. They were knocked out by 10:30pm and I was barely holding my eyes opened when my fiance got home from work at 11:15pm. Long day!

I slept til 9am! I'm so pleased that they were quietly entertaining themselves while I slept. They are getting older. It's much easier to keep them now. I clearly needed the rest. I feel puffed up. I think I could have slept longer. I've been eating terribly. I'm sure that's what is weighing me down. I need to fast and eat light today or tomorrow, to get myself back on track. I always do the intermittent fasting for the 3 or 4 days in a row that I work and then splurge on the weekend. Well, the splurging has me feeling like a balloon about to burst! I wonder what a cleanse would do to me? I've always wanted to try one, but I'm afraid of them. lol I don't want to be locked in the house for 3 days while I complete it. I definitely can't fast today! My oldest son flew his new girlfriend in town for the weekend. I think they are both very sad to be apart. She has to finish her time off at her work and she's looking for a job to take when she moves here, so they are trying to steal any time together that they can to help with the separation. I hope she decides to make the move with him. He will be so broken if she doesn't. He's like me. He loves with everything he has. If he's talking marriage, you know he's completely given his entire soul to her. We shall see. Anyway - that wasn't my point at all. My point was - they are taking me to my favorite SUSHI place for dinner!!!!! I LOVE SUSHI!!!! I'm super excited! lol All of that, just to tell you I'm having sushi for dinner and I love it. 

I ramble on and on sometimes. I don't know how you can bare to read it. Sorry. 

You never finished your reply yesterday, I do hope that the flat didn't fall down when he started to repair the drawer. lol I hope the barbeque went well. I hope there was something there for you to eat. When we barbeque it's always more about the meat on the grill than the sides that go with it. So the meat is always the center of the gathering, and the sides are minimal. That doesn't sound to me like much of your kind of dinner. lol I can just imagine you sitting and staring at the grill with a disgusted look on your face while everyone around you is smiling and salivating with excitement. lol You are scanning the counters for some type of NON MEAT food! hahaha!

Oh dear, my entire living room is under blankets. It's a Super Fort! lol I must now make them breakfast to enjoy in their fort. I hope to hear from you soon. I'm hoping the home repairs didn't end in disaster and you're busy unearthing your salvageable items from the rubble. lol Enjoy your Sunday!

Be blessed!

 

Posted on:
Thu, 04/10/2018 - 21:56

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

BLUE I'M BACK!!!! ARE YOU THERE??!!! HEEELLLLOOOOO........ I've been locked out of the site FOREVER!!!!!

Posted on:
Fri, 05/10/2018 - 06:34

San15

Joined:
2018-05-31

So good to see you two communicating again as strangely you two were the biggest worry for me while site was down. Kind of also thought that you are telepathically communicate exchanging messages that you're not able to log in and giving each other a little push of "patience", we will get back on here eventually!"

 

That's all I wanted to say, ...I love reading your chats even if am only silent listener. 

 

Much love & Blessings!

 

..and how can I sign off now?..ummm..

Compulsive gambler S 

Posted on:
Fri, 05/10/2018 - 14:13

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Haha San15, I'm glad you're entertained. Please feel free to chime in anytime! Welcome to our crazy little corner of the universe :) 

Blue, I've missed you!!!! You have become a very regular part of my day, and if anyone knows me, they know I am very routine! I was having Blue withdrawals! So glad to be able to giggle at your antics again! If ever we are separated again, please email me. Maybe post as soon as you do and I'll go edit it out. I kinda like you :p I realized that you are important to me when they separated us. Your friendship and support has been invaluable to me. In the interest of burying that in the middle of this post, I'm going to ramble on in the same paragraph for a bit. I hope you don't mind. My weekend with the boys was fabulous. But at this point it feels like it was forever ago! Mini golf is absolutely the most stupid game ever, but I too love every second of it! My poor nephews would hit and hit and hit and hit the ball, until finally picking it up and dropping it in the hole. And then would ask what their "number" was for that hole....Uhhhmmm 2 GREAT JOB! lol The 6 year old did manage to get a true hole in one! I was so happy for him. He didn't even really understand how to hold the club and managed to pull that off. lol 

Back to real life :( So, it's been so long ago that I'm not sure if I told you that the reason I found this site was because he told me I had to find my own happiness and was quoting the big book from Alanon to me, that he deciphered with his mother. I'm not sure if I told you that his mother is the biggest codependant, enabler I have ever met and she goes to alanon to try to pull pieces from the book to excuse her from dealing with her shortcomings when it comes to dealing with her daughter and her son who are both addicts. She is a recovering heroin addict, and he is a gambling addict. She does things like, tell her son that it is "her" responsibility to find her own happiness. But forgets the part where I am also supposed to be preparing to move on without him and find my own path if he refuses to accept his problem and work to repair our relationship by addressing his gambling problem. She tells him that he's going to lose me if he doesn't stop gambling, but then she buys him cigarettes and stuff when he runs out of cash - because he gambled it all away. She infuriates me! Well, I have stuck to my guns about not giving him the money to pad him while he's broke, to help him stay comfortable. I explained to him when we started this that I was going to be focusing on my happiness, and that means that I will no longer be picking up the pieces for him when he fails himself. So, I have remained steadfast in doing that.

Well, he has now cut up his cc because it has over $600 on it in gambling charges. He has spent every single cent of his savings, and he is flat broke. Last weekend, he gambled all of his spare money away in a couple of days. By Monday, he was asking me to let him borrow some money for energy drinks and cigarettes at work. I replied no, and I love you. He knew exactly what I meant and why I said it. That happened again on Tuesday evening. (Oh, he has switched shitft and works midnights now) So on Wednesday morning, when he got home from work, I told him that it makes me very sad to tell him no and know that he is leaving to work with no money for anything and that he needs to accept that he needs help. He replied, I know it upsets you, that's why I stopped by Mom's house on my way home and borrowed $20 from her. I ALMOST EXPLODED I was so mad!!!   So now, it's been a day and a half and I am still fuming mad. I want to go to her and scream and cuss at her. Common sense has kept me at home while I reel my emotions back in. But I am so angry at her. He will never realize the need to change as long as he is comfortable in his addiction and there is someone to lean on. She is the worst for that! She's been in alanon for 4 years - and hasn't changed anything about herself, other than to say "I focus on my own happiness". Which is basically her excuse for turning her cheek when she sees her children wallering in their addiction and knows that she has fed that very addiction to keep it strong. It gives her the out she needs to not have to deal with the fallout of their horrible choices. My struggle is I want so badly to tell her all of this, but I know it will permanently scar my relationship with the inlaws. I know all too well from my first failed marriage that it's in my best interest to keep peace there. So now, it's your turn Blue....TELL ME WHAT TO DO, PLEASE?!!!

On another note: my Mondays still suck! I hate the late hours! No one is showing up for the groups. They want to be home making dinner and relaxing. But my weekends seem to be forever long, so that's a positive. I'll adjust I'm sure. 

Today, I will be attending the funeral of my uncle. He passed away on Tuesday morning of lung cancer. My mother's brother. She died of lung cancer too, and of course I smoked for 25 years of my life, and now I can't put the vape pen down to save my own lungs. It's better for me than the cigarettes were, but it's still bad. I need to get that out of my life and just rejoin the fresh air only club! 

It's time to get ready now, so I think I'll go crush a few candies and finish my coffee and head out. 

I'm so happy to be able to chat with you again my far away friend! Have the best day ever! 

Be blessed

Posted on:
Sun, 07/10/2018 - 00:10

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Sorry I'm so late posting. He never went to sleep when he got off work this morning, so I couldn't get a minute away to visit you. He has since eaten and crashed HARD, so I can take the time to check in. 

I'm glad you ended up staying put. I know you weren't too excited about the whole moving idea in the first place. Has he gotten over the itch to relocate, or is he still searching high and low for that perfect flat? Oh and btw, congrats on the operational kitchen drawer! Kudos to him on his handyman work! haha! My ceiling fans are still whirling away, so I think I did something right with them. Either they're wired right, or one day I'll get to buy a new house because of the electrical fire that my shabby work caused. Maybe I'm a bit of a gambler too :p 

He decided today that he would just try to stay awake all day, so that we could have date day and he didn't waste his only day off this week, sleeping. Well, it was a nice morning and afternoon...but here we are at almost 7pm and he's knocked out! We went to a local park that's a protected wildlife area with a mile long walk through a beautiful marsh area that ends on the shores of Lake Erie. It's gorgeous there! I always love taking those walks during the change of seasons to see how much the landscape has changed. We must have picked the perfect time to go because there were turtles sunning everywhere! I got to see 5 of my favorite little creatures, the chipmunk. I absolutely love chipmunks!! They are the cutest little things I've ever seen! Anyway, that was very relaxing and refreshing for my soul. He started the walk by asking me if I'd wipe the slate clean with his mother and forgive her, since he was the one who was at fault for putting her in that position. I explained that I realized it is his fault ultimately, but that I can not be expected to be all mooshy and lovey with the very person who is working against every bit of progress that he is making for her own personal dependancy. He knows that I would never disrespect her, but he also knows that I have absolutely no desire to sit in her face and pretend to be happy with her. I don't handle that kind of hypocracy very well. That's why he and I have so many issues about his gambling. He loves to twist his truths so as to make everything ok. It drives me insane! I already have all I can handle in dealing with that sickness with the man I love. I don't have to deal with it with his mother too. I will always respect her. I do love her. But I don't like her. I prefer to keep my distance if it's not a family event or something of that sort. I know myself well enough to know that if she is in my face too much, I will be more prone to just let her know exactly what she's done and why I don't want to be around her. I think it's safer this way. I also let him know how very sad it makes me that he has created this to benefit himself. Until he gets a grip, it's not going to get any better. He said that was the last time he will ask her for money. We shall see....

Well, my passport arrived today. Exactly 1 week after my son decided that a wedding it Italy just wasn't logical. So, here he and I sit with passports and absolutely NO destination. lol Oh well, it's something I've always wanted to have and now I do. I like that I don't have to take a cruise to explore other countries now. We can plan it, book it, and go! That's exciting. But then there's that whole financial part of it....ughhh! He still has NOTHING saved. The holidays are coming quickly, and our Christmas is expensive! He's never going to dig himself out of this pit. And of course he's been running to the gas stations all day, in between stops. It's not getting any better. I just wish he would wake up! 

You must be of superhuman strength to have quit smoking. I do not ever desire to have another cigarette. Of that I am certain. But now I have this vape stuck to my hand like it's an extra limb! I hardly have any nicotine in it, but I need that whole "act" of smoking behavior. I don't know how I'll set it down now. It's just one thing replacing another. I quit for 4 years before they came out with vapes. Why is it so much harder now? Stupid vape! lol

Well, I think I still have a half of a season of Once Upon a Time left on Netflix. I guess I'll go binge watch some of that. I'm sad that it's not coming back for another season. I enjoy those fantasy, magical worlds. I was supposed to be a princess. I should be living in a castle, with a pet dragon! And a handsome, wealthy prince who doesnt' buy scratch off tickets like he needs them to breath....lol 

I hope you had a great Saturday and you have a restful, lazy Sunday. 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sun, 07/10/2018 - 20:22

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

I'm on my phone today. It's a bit weird. I'm a much better type on my key board tha. On my phone. I woke up early and went to church with my son. I needed the visit, so I'm glad he guilted me into it. Lol Its a cool day today. Fall has definitely arrived. We had a record breaking warm October so far, so it's actually nice to feel the cool down today. It was very warm yesterday. Perfect day for our date day walk.
The guys are watching the Brown's football game. Im kind of worthless today. I got home from church and napped. I think Im going to stay in my pajamas for the rest of the day. Well, until I have to go pick up the groceries between 8-9pm. I may wear them to the store too. I dont even get out of the car so....its tempting!
My office is closed tomorrow for Columbus Day. I love federal holidays! Im going to make some homemade chicken and dumpling soup. Yummmmm!
A turtle huh? Lol I love it. I also get it too. That really does seem to fit you. They find a quiet corner of the marsh to climb out on a limb and warm in the sun, enjoying the peace. When one was walking across the path and we walked up to it, it just climbed back into its shell. Nothing to see here! Lol yep, that's totally you! Hard, protective shell. The ability to disappear. And getting lost in your own serenity to warm in the sun. I totally get it! Lol I hate to break it to you, but I'm more like those water flipping, busy body, in your face carp that would be driving you insane as you were attempting to sun bathe.

Hey Blue! Want to go for a swim?! Why are you hiding from me?! Come back out of your shell Blue! Blue, I just got into a fight with that bossy groundhog on the other side of the swamp. Blue! Are you listening?! Lolol
What a crazy swamp that would be! Haha!
Great....she just walked in the door. Time to get off of here and pretend to be ok with her presence. Ughhh....
Have a great Sunday!
Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sun, 07/10/2018 - 20:22

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

I'm on my phone today. It's a bit weird. I'm a much better type on my key board tha. On my phone. I woke up early and went to church with my son. I needed the visit, so I'm glad he guilted me into it. Lol Its a cool day today. Fall has definitely arrived. We had a record breaking warm October so far, so it's actually nice to feel the cool down today. It was very warm yesterday. Perfect day for our date day walk.
The guys are watching the Brown's football game. Im kind of worthless today. I got home from church and napped. I think Im going to stay in my pajamas for the rest of the day. Well, until I have to go pick up the groceries between 8-9pm. I may wear them to the store too. I dont even get out of the car so....its tempting!
My office is closed tomorrow for Columbus Day. I love federal holidays! Im going to make some homemade chicken and dumpling soup. Yummmmm!
A turtle huh? Lol I love it. I also get it too. That really does seem to fit you. They find a quiet corner of the marsh to climb out on a limb and warm in the sun, enjoying the peace. When one was walking across the path and we walked up to it, it just climbed back into its shell. Nothing to see here! Lol yep, that's totally you! Hard, protective shell. The ability to disappear. And getting lost in your own serenity to warm in the sun. I totally get it! Lol I hate to break it to you, but I'm more like those water flipping, busy body, in your face carp that would be driving you insane as you were attempting to sun bathe.

Hey Blue! Want to go for a swim?! Why are you hiding from me?! Come back out of your shell Blue! Blue, I just got into a fight with that bossy groundhog on the other side of the swamp. Blue! Are you listening?! Lolol
What a crazy swamp that would be! Haha!
Great....she just walked in the door. Time to get off of here and pretend to be ok with her presence. Ughhh....
Have a great Sunday!
Be blessed!

Posted on:
Mon, 08/10/2018 - 15:10

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Hahaha! I completely saw you sitting on your log (you're a pretty turtle in my imagination btw) just staring sleepily at the goings on around you, looking quite annoyed. I am cracking up right now! Thanks for the laugh. I hate to break it to you, but you do speak my language, so I'd probably be there, popping up every few hours to tell you the latest scoops on the marsh events. Which squirrel just slapped the other one for absolutely no reason and ran....that type of thing. And I'd probably accidenty soak you with a splash of water everytime I popped up or swim off. oooops...lol You'd probably grow very tired of rolling your big turtle eyes at me. hahahaha! So funny!

I didn't end up having to go pick up my grocery order. My son was out at the local racecar track for a big race, but the race ended up raining out about 10 minutes before my groceries were due to be picked up. SCORE!!!! 

This midnight schedule sucks! I feel even more like I live alone now. I sleep by myself. I wake to him home, but just swap him spots. And my bed NEVER seems to get made. I hate my bed being messy all day! He's never really clear headed. I feel like it's a constant battle of "I'm kind of awake, can I fake it today". This is our sentence for at least 3 months though. I'm praying that once "bump season" comes around in 3 months, he will be able to bump back to his old shift. It sucked, but midnights has made me learn to appreciate afternoons/evenings. It is a comfort to know that they do the bump thing 4 times per year. He will submit the shift he prefers, and the shift that he prefers as a 2nd choice and they will move him to that shift, based on what choice those above him in seniority have chosen. Those who have been there longer (even 1 day longer) get the 1st choice. He made it clear that days are off of the table for him for like 4 years! His seniority will not be high enough to hold a spot on days for 4 years?! THAT SUCKS!   

We talked again after his mother left. I asked him what he has responded to her when she says that she notices me pulling away from her and feels like I don't really like her. He said he just tells her "everyrthing's fine". I then told him that it's completely unfair for him to ask me to forgive her for what she's done, accept that it's his fault, and forgive him too if he hasn't even bothered to tell her that her feelings are correct. I feel like if he intends to ask me to forgive her for what she continues to do, he needs to tell her what it is that she continues to do to hurt me. He needs to be the person that tells her that he has manipulated her and that she shouldn't be sabotaging his progress by enabling him. Maybe it's a conversation that all 3 of us need to have, with him taking the lead and opening up to her. Maybe then it will ring clearly to her. (insert nasty cuss words here) IT IS SO FRUSTRATING! WHY CAN'T SHE JUST SUPPORT HIM BY NOT FEEDING HIS ADDICTION?! WHAT IS SHE LEARNING IN ALANON?!!!! WHY IS HE SO SELF CENTERED THAT IT'S OK FOR HIM TO HURT THE 2 WOMEN THAT HE CLAIMS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT TO HIM?! UGHHHH!!!!! 

I'm sorry you couldn't sleep again. Have I already suggested Melatonin? It's a natural supplement that you can take. I haven't ever tried it, because I don't really have trouble. But many of my clients do use it, and they swear by it. It may help to regulate your sleep to where you have a good, restful nights sleep each night instead of 3 days of no sleep, followed by sleeping for an entire day. lol You poor thing. That has to suck! Regardless, I hope that when you finally fell asleep, it was good rest. I hope that your Monday is a great start of your work week. You know I won't complain, but yes, we do seem to have a lot of federal holidays. lol I almost pull it off when I look at my clients with a super sad face and say "Unfortunatley, I won't be here on Monday. We're closed for the holiday" while in my mind I'm saying "Peace Out, Wewt Wewt!!!" lol 

I'm going to go start the chicken and dumplings. Have I mentioned how much I love my crockpot?! It cooks my food slowly and I don't have to worry about burning and it fills my house with wonderful smells all day <3 I know you're not into the chicken part, but you'd love my dumplings! Big fluffy, flavorful clouds of deliciousness!!! This fat girl loves dumplings!!! I should probably do some laundry today too....or not. lol 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Tue, 09/10/2018 - 13:45

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Look at you! You've got people noticing you are uplifted! See, you can do it! You can look interested and maybe even a bit involved if you try! lol I feel like you're less than excited about a logo, or the endless emails and phone calls you're dealing with around it. Fake it til you make it! 

My day off was nice. There were a lot of news programs about the whole "Columbus Day" thing. There are a lot of native american people who are highly offended by this day, with good reason. Christopher Columbus is celebrated for discovering America, but the truth is, there were already people here. The American Indian is the true founder of our country. They celebrate the man who started the process of robbing the Native American of their land and home. That's the ugly truth. Now, many states in the US are standing up and uniting to NOT honor Columbus Day. It's a big F you to the creators of that holiday and to pay respect to those who lost so much, the Native Americans. 

I stayed pretty busy all day with cooking and cleaning. My stove has never been so clean! It takes a beaten with all of the cooking all of the time. Especially since I cook such large meals. It needed a good scrubbing. Speaking of large meals.....the crockpot of chicken and dumplings turned into 2 large pots of chicken and dumplings by the time I was done making dumplings! lol I have enough to feed the family for 2 days and freeze for an entire different meal! So I shall! lol They were delicious btw!

I agree with the man thing! They have it so easy when it comes to the annoying things in life that we get to deal with. I think life would be much easier if we could all switch bodies with the opposite gender for the day. Let them have a taste of our lives and vice versa. 

I don't really have much to share with you today. It's difficult to concentrate and share with him wandering around the house. I know he hears me in here clicking away at the keys. I guess I will go crush candy and get ready to start this day. I hope you have a good day! Don't forget, people like to see you smile :)

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Wed, 10/10/2018 - 13:51

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Wow! I just typed for an hour about the battle I'm having with these gnats in my house, and I accidently hit a button when I was reaching for the bug spray and it all disappeared :( I am at war over here!!!! I have thrown out my only house plant (mostly just a dead carcus of one since I suck at growing them), bleached all of my drains, removed every vegetable and fruit from my house, and set traps of apple cider vinegar and dishsoap out. I am walking around with my bug spray in my hand incase I find one stupid enough to fly within spraying distance. It's a warzone and I am the warrior! I originaly thought I had a few gnats, but according to the body count in my vinegar traps, there's LOTS! And now I'm completely grossed out and they must be evicted or die!!!! Wish me luck! 

I totally agree with that gentleman's apprehension to switch with you. I'm pretty certain you would set him up to experience the FULL weight of being a woman, and you would get the biggest kick out of it! lol That's why I like you! You're hilarious!!! 

The weight of a good comfy blanket can be a prison! It has prevented me from moving for entire days before! Speaking of comfy blankets, have I ever suggested a weighted blanket to you for your sleep? My mom always had the BEST bed to sleep in. I understand why now. They have begun selling weighted blankets online. They are extremely expensive! My mom always had 2 or 3 blankets on her bed. The one touching her would be a light one (almost felt like a sheet material) and then a heavy quilt (crocheted or something heavy like that) and then her decorative one for the bed spread. I used to love climbing under her blankets. Now I understand why. The weight is very good for people with insomnia and for those who suffer with depression. Maybe try that sometime. But make sure it's on the weekend. You may sleep for a LONG time at first. lol 

I had so much more typed before, but I'm running out of time to retype everything. I guess I will end for now. Have a wonderful day my friend! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Thu, 11/10/2018 - 14:49

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Haha! She's on a mission folks! Stand back and break out the gas masks! That washer doesn't stand a chance!!! 

I wasn't insinuating that you were depressed. I was just telling you what the blankets are used for. I was insinuating that it may be insomnia. I understand now that it isn't. Thanks for the clarity. I too can not stand to be hot! But I'm a confused mess about sleep. I love a heavy blanket, but my feet are usually popped out of the bottom and my fan is ALWAYS on! I have to have a fan blowing, even if it's not pointed at me. I just need fresh air circulating in the room. 

I changed the traps yesterday, as there seemed to be about 30 gnats in each container! Well, the war isn't over! This morning there are about 20 in each. WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?!!! And either the vinegar causes them to **** up when they die, or they are ALL adults! UGHHHH!!!! When will it end!!! I know I must look like a raving lunatic sitting here by myself. If you looked through my windows in the evening, you would find me sitting on the couch watching television and swatting and clapping in mid air at what looks like nothing - but it's A GNAT!!!! They tease me and torment me by flying right across my nose. I'm sure they're hoping I'll swat at them and smack myself right in the face. Little evil monsters!!!

It is FREEZING this morning here!!! The temps dropped about 25 degrees overnight. I have my hooded sweatshirt and jeans on today. Needless to say, my scale said terrible things to me when I stepped on it dressed in my warm weather clothes. I'm going to blame it on the clothes, not the huge bowl of peanut butter ice cream and salted caramel chocolate ice cream that I ate last night. It's the clothes! lol

I actually slept in a bit today. Well, that means that my alarm actually woke me up. So I have to run. Not  alot of time to visit today. Thanks for the morning smiles and giggles! I look forward to you checking in after you've completed your mission and return from the war with the washing machine. Happy Scrubbing! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sat, 13/10/2018 - 20:15

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

Fingers crossed! I think those dirty, little, annoying creatures are gone! I am so off today though, that I could probably have one sitting on the tip of my nose and not notice. 

So his niece was induced yesterday, and we drove 2 hours away to be there when the baby arrived. We sat in the hospital waiting room for 22 HOURS with no sleep. Finally giving up and driving back home and getting to be after around 25 HOURS of no sleep. That's for me anyway. He had worked all night the night before, so he had about 37 HOURS of no sleep. Needless to say, I went to bed at 8am'ish and now 2:30 pm. I'm sitting in my pajamas, debating on if it would be acceptable to just make my coffee and start my day, when my day is already half over. I think I will! 

He does the poker thing too. I was so unbelievably annoyed last night. We were on our way to the hospital and he "had to pee" 3 times on a 2 hour drive. So that equalled 3 stops, where he bought stupid lottery tickets on the way to the hospital. Then, all night at the hospital, he was playing poker for money, betting money on the time of birth, weight, and length of the baby. It was so annoying! It made me so sad. We had talked in the car about it. I asked him to please just let the focus be on his niece for the day. She deserved that. She has health issues that could have lead to some very dangerous complications. I asked him to just put his focus on bringing good fibes and many prayers her way. He assured me that he would. That I was right, and that it just wasn't right to be obsessing on gambling, during a time like that. But yet, he did. Over and over and over and over again. It's so sad. He's not even able to enjoy the small treasures that life has to offer, and make those memories, because he is constantly tormented by the obsession with numbers and what ifs. 

You're right. So many people strugge with one form or another. We all have our crosses to bare. Kudos to your collegue for reaching out for help (or so we assume). Having had an addiction is not the focus, as much as the healing and recovery. That's the key! It's not about where you've been or the mistakes that you've made, because we've all got a few stories.... It's about realizing you have an issue, and facing the issue head one. I am still, and always will battle with my addiction to food. I acknowledge that I have an issue with overeating, and overeating bad food. If I weren't addicted to it, I wouldn't have a weight problem. I wouldn't have back or join issues that are caused by my weight. I would look, and feel much better than I do. I wouldn't just wish to be overweight. I can understand the struggle when I think of it in that perspective. I try my best not to be judgemental. But it's hard not to be when it's someone you love and want to save. I'm also trying to learn how to let go of that and allow him to realize for himself that change is necessary FOR HIMSELF. That's my struggle. It's harder to separate myself from the issue when it's someone I love. I am a great support to people that I am not emotionally connected to. I can see their issues more clearly, walk them through the steps more streadily, and encourage them to focus on recovery more gently. But with my family I find myself wanting to scream and fight and force! I know it's wrong and I know I mustn't. I'm trying that new discipline on for size. And much like clothes shopping, it fits me weird! Iol I'll keep searching for my size, rack after rack after rack though! lol 

I'm so glad you're connecting with your video store friends! I remember you saying how much you enjoy them! That's good food for the soul! I'm sure that if they knew the poker was a trigger or encouraged your bad behaviors, they wouldn't ever intentionally invite you for that. It's sad that something that seems so innocent, like playing cards with your mates, could be something so deeply disturbing for someone. Much like the torment I face when I am offered to attend a party or someone bakes something delicious and offers it to me. They mean only good and are being friends, but in my world it is a torment. Should I take it? Should I go to the party? Will that be during a time that I am not fasting? Could I mix up my fasting schedule for that week to accomodate it? There are literally hundreds of questions that I ask myself around those kind of things. Because the truth is, if its something yummy that they are offering, or a party with lots of yummy food, I absolutely want it! I want to walk in the door, like everyone else I see and say "Oh wow! Look at this, I think I'll have a little of everything" or "Oh wow! That dessert looks amazing, I'll have a piece now, would you join me in having some" But that's not how it works for people like me. I small pass leads to a junkfood festival! And here, all they were doing was being friendly. :( 

Ohp! Just got the text. The baby has arrived! A picture of him too. He's perfect! I must go wake up the fiance and tell him the news! Have a wonderful, busy day! Don't forget to treat yourself very well for having been a busy bee all day. You deserve a reward! 

Be blessed!

Posted on:
Sun, 14/10/2018 - 15:25

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

OH NO!

WHAT HAPPENED?!

BLUE YOU HAVE DISAPPEARED! ALL OF YOUR POSTS ARE GONE :(

EMAIL ME IF YOU CAN SEE THIS. 

Posted on:
Mon, 22/10/2018 - 06:11

San15

Joined:
2018-05-31

Hi Brenda, 

 

Hope you are ok. Was sad to see Blue's posts disappearing and so also hope all is well with her. 

Another hope for you both reconnecting outside these walls.

 

All the best and blessings to you

Posted on:
Sat, 27/10/2018 - 09:23

bluescreen

Joined:
2018-10-27

Hi San15,

I'm fine. :) Thanks for asking.

It was just bad luck, not much anyone can do, I guess.
Two weeks ago I tried to post, but it failed several times. After the last try I got a message that my account got deleted due to spam. First I thought "Well then. Lucky me. Within a few weeks noone would even remember... What was I thinking anyways, writing all this?"
Later I saw her message on here, that confused me a bit, maybe it wasn't so nice that I just disappeared... even though I didn't do it on purpose...? And I liked having a chat with her. Afterall, this already went on for a few weeks then. So I finally emailed her to tell her I'm ok. Just leaving it to that didn't seem right afterall, though, I have to admit, the temptation was there. Cut and out, this never happened.

After nearly two weeks I now signed up again. Leaving without a word would just be wrong. I'm done with this kind of ignorance, ain't I?

Well... a clean slate it is then... again...

Thank you all for being here. Ending up here finally opened my eyes to realizing what a fool I've been all those years.

Sorry for boring the hell out of you guys with those stories about food and sunburn.
Wishing you well on your individual journeys to a life without the firm grips of this ****, however long it might take, on which 'side of the fence' you might be...
Keep on going on. I'll do that, no matter what! I owe that to myself and those around me.

Posted on:
Sat, 27/10/2018 - 11:41

San15

Joined:
2018-05-31

 

All the best in your personal journies

 

Sandra xx

Posted on:
Sun, 28/10/2018 - 16:13

He's trying

Joined:
2018-07-10

hmmm....this place looks familiar.....I think I've been here before.....

JUST KIDDING!!! :) HI GUYS!!! BLUE, YOU'RE BACK!!!!! YAY!!!!!

San, thanks for the kind words and well wishes. Yes, I did manage to find Blue outside of these walls. Thank God!!! I was having a meltdown not being able to communicate! It's amazing how such basic conversations can come to mean so much. We really don't talk about much. lol Our conversations are probably the most boring, long-winded stuff people have ever read. But I look very much forward to them! They keep me sane. They keep me balanced. 

I tell Blue all of the time how grateful I am for the guidence and friendship. Worlds apart, yet connected to my heart. I must admit it was a shock to my system when the posts disapeared and she did too! I thought I would die! I was so thankful for the email when it came. So thankful! 

I hate to make this post short, since you know I love to ramble on. But I have a raging headache. I think it's my sinuses. Stupid weather change is kicking my a**! It actually hurts to stare at this white screen and try to focus on the typing, so I will go for now. It is so nice to see you here Blue! You know I will be on the other line always too. Reach me however you like, as long as you stay in touch :) 

Have a great Sunday San and Blue! 

Be blessed!

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