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Posted on:
Fri, 08/09/2017 - 09:34

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 340

Another fun weekend ahead. Tonight I am going to see IT at the cinema. Tomorrow I am collecting some sofas that I have bought locally second hand from the Friday-Ad. They are less than a yerar old so I can put them in my lounge and continue to make my house a home, this stuff quite excites me now randomly lol. I am doing it sensibly and slowly getting there.

Saturday evening I am at my best friends for dinner. I stayed there at points during the dark times. I am staying overnight again under very different circumstances. Then Sunday morning an early start to head up North to go watch my team play and have a few beers. We are staying up there so should be fun and travelling back hungover on Monday (less fun).

Wishing everybody a lovely gamble free weekend.

Matt

Posted on:
Fri, 08/09/2017 - 13:14

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Matt, thanks for posting. Indeed still GF and busy at work which is good. It makes me sad to now realise it wasn't just money I was wasting on gambling but at least I'm heading in the right direction now. With gambling out the way like you say it'S the simple pleasures that make us happy. Have a great weekend and hope your not suffering too much Monday take care S :)

Posted on:
Fri, 08/09/2017 - 23:15

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hello Matt . Great respect for your 340 Days GF it really blows me away . Thankyou for showing me that recovery is there for us if we want it . Not only are you blazing a trail but you are respected by everyone on the diaries. 

Hope you have a great weekend watching your team win and celebrating there victory . Not sure about the scary film , don't like the look of that clown .

Great the way you have turned your life around and started to enjoy living again ....stephen 

Posted on:
Sat, 09/09/2017 - 11:29

Compulsive Gambler

Joined:
Before 2009

one of my favourite diaries, i look forward to the updates, 

if you are new to the site, wondering if you have a problem or have just admitted to yourself then read this from start to finish

A fantastic person Matt, wonderful openness, ownership and continued appreciation of what life can offer us - I hope to always be 200 (or so) GF days behind you

best wishes and thoughts to your friend as well, hope the news gets better on that front

Posted on:
Mon, 11/09/2017 - 08:15

Sars27

Joined:
2017-06-02

Hi matt !

You're approaching the big day ! Nearly 1 year buddy ! Keep it up :) one day at a time .

Sars 

Posted on:
Tue, 12/09/2017 - 09:34

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 344

Thanks everyone for your continued support on my diary, I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have you all behind my recovery. It is nice to hear from you guys, knowing people are reading and taking some encouragement from my journey warms me up inside. If your just browsing my updates please always feel free to say hi, knowing so many of us are in the same boat makes me sad but also it is our own little community here and we all get each other. We may never ever meet in person but I do feel like I have some friends forever here.

I had a very busy but good weekend. My team lost but that's life, had a good little trip away. Yesterday I stopped off in London on my way home to see my friend. His recovery hasn't been straight forwward and he is very unwell but hopefully now turning the corner. His attitude is amazing. Some of the things he has told me about his illness were so eye opening. He didn't choose to get a disease and he doesn't deserve it. He also lost his father to cancer recently so has had a brutal time but he is still smiling, a true inspiration.

His Wife text me yesterday saying how much he enjoyed my visit and that it perked him up. To think that my problems nearly overcome my spirit makes me a little angry. Gambling nearly took everything away from me and I refuse to ever go back there. My life is filled with great people, truly the one thing I have done well in life is choose my friends and I am lucky enough to say I have many of them around me.

I am having a tough day today, a little down. I have days when I miss family life,even if I know it was not meant to be and my escape was a lucky one. I feel I have a lot to give now but the minefield of singledom and the hurt I have suffered terrifies me some days.

 

Posted on:
Tue, 12/09/2017 - 09:47

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Matt glad you had a good weekend and your friend is on the mend. Your journey from day 0 is really quite something and a lesson to us all that we can turn things around. Hope your day picks up, must be hard to adjust to single life even if previous situation wasn't ideal. On the opposite end of things I've been single for so long I can't imagine any different but as my daughter is now a young woman I may try and dip my toe back in the dating game. It wasn't intentional for me to be single during her childhood I just never met anyone and was also aware of other friends having a few different men in and out of their children's lives and I didn't want that,  Sorry to blurb on! I'm sure when the right person comes into your life you'like know it and be in a much better GF place. Have a good day and take care S:)

 

Posted on:
Wed, 13/09/2017 - 09:53

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 345

Hi Sharon

Don't get me wrong I am in no rush and I do like living on my own and being a fully autonomous person now. I had my troubles and some of that was co-dependancy. I have detached from all that and do feel like I now know who I am and what I want from life and feel I have a lot to offer the right person. It sounds to me like you have put your daughters needs and welfare before your own and that is an amazing thing. Maybe it's Sharon time now. You don't need a man but maybe a nice addition to your life now to be taken out for dinner occasionally. Good luck, someone will be extremely lucky to find you.

Stay strong everyone.

Matt

 

Posted on:
Wed, 13/09/2017 - 11:24

breakfree

Joined:
2011-01-01

Hi Matt,
Have enjoyed following your diary as I can draw a lot of parallels to my own life.
I am only 26 days GF but hope to use your diary as motivation.

breakfree

Posted on:
Thu, 14/09/2017 - 16:24

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Matt, thanks for your extremely kind words! I honestly don't want to paint myself as some kind of martyr but just wanted to do the right thing by my girl. Indeed it is time to start thinking about the future and myself a bit more. Funnily enough I've always joked that I would like a man just to put the bins out (I'm not flakey it'S just a pet peeve) and last night as I wrestled the bin onto the pavement a man did offer to help. So hey dreams can come true! Matt you also have do much to give, I guess we live and learn from the past.  Take care S:)

Posted on:
Fri, 15/09/2017 - 11:14

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou for posting on my diary, always appreciated. Seems you had some great fun dancing the night away in your younger days ' Young hearts run Free'. The beat, the exhileration WOW. John Travolta worked by day in a hardware store but by night he was a king of the rhythm. Witness tribal gatherings of happy people all lost in music. I imagine music has been a positive influence on people since adam was alive. 

I remember one day working in a day centre for the elderly. lovely people were exercising gently to music, all looking as happy as Larry. Next up was bingo, they still looked contented and entertained but their attitude had changed, I could see greed in there faces.

Almost everone loves singing & dancing, tapping along to the beat or maybe just reflecting on the lyrics of there favourite songs.

Posted on:
Mon, 18/09/2017 - 21:12

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulations Matt on 350 Days Gamble Free. A great example sending out a clear message to us all, recovery from gambling addiction is possible ..... stephen

Posted on:
Tue, 19/09/2017 - 09:45

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 351

Sharon, a man to put the bins out, shoot for the stars hey Sharon :-). I hope you find what you deserve, someone to share a bit of life with now.

Stephen, as ever your words are appreciated. Music I believe evades the brain and heads staright to the soul, it has amazing power.

I had a nice weekend gamble free. Friday I went to the cinema with a couple of friends, Saturday I had some friends/customers over so we went to watch the football and then for a delicious thai lunch. People say don't mix work with pleasure but I am fortunate to say I can do both, my customers are my good friends! Sunday I went for lunch with my family and saw my little niece, she has the uncanny ability of putting a smile on my face whenever I see her. I know I have come so far, rapidly approaching a whole year gamble free. I am under no illusion that the second year could be the toughest due to potential complacency but I will stay strong and life is going to be lived.

Thanks again everyone.

Matt

Posted on:
Tue, 19/09/2017 - 12:10

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Indeed setting the bar high there, I'm easily pleased! Glad you had a great weekend and enjoying the GF life S:)

Posted on:
Wed, 20/09/2017 - 11:45

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 352,

No gambling but yesterday the little demon had a word in my ear and said "go on have a little accumulator on the football". I ignored and abstained. A message to all reading my diary, as much as I want to say it is easy after a certain number of days, unfortunately I cannot. I think we will always live with this little monster who will occasionally ask the question, just answer with a firm "No" as this little guy is the gateway to waking up the huge gambling monster that lives within us all. The monster who won't stop until we are ruined emotionally, financially and exhausts us until they cannot feed from us anymore,  until the next time that is. Our job is to make sure there is no next time.

Above is the best way I can describe my addiction, it starts with a nagging, lets have a little bet and ends in turmoil with ups and downs during the binge.

Day 352, less than 2 weeks from a year gamble free and another test passed.

Matt

Posted on:
Mon, 25/09/2017 - 11:23

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 357

Went out Friday evening for some drinks. Saturday I spent literally from 10-5 cleaning my house and gardening! Saturday eve I got a takeaway and watched a film! Sunday I went to see my brother do a Tough Mudder then went for dinner with him and his GF.

Another weekend GF and enjoying how much my life has changed for the better for it. I am now just short of a week away from a full year gamble free and the last brutal binge. What a crazy year it has been!

Stay strong all.

Matt

Posted on:
Mon, 25/09/2017 - 18:59

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Matt Thanks for posting, I know I can't believe how quickly time has gone...Although at the beginning seemed painfully slow. Glad you had a top weekend, such a great world out there when we don't gamble. Take care and am sure you're on countdown to a YEAR amazing S:)

Posted on:
Mon, 25/09/2017 - 20:57

Sars27

Joined:
2017-06-02

Nearly there MATT ! Hang on buddy ! Keep on rocking ! Proud of you man !:) 

Sars 

Posted on:
Tue, 26/09/2017 - 02:01

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Thankyou Matt for posting on my diary. Great to see you racing towards One Year GF, I am counting down the days until next tuesday when all your friends will be looking skyward and hollering ..... ROCK ON MATT......

Massive respect for your brothers achievement in completing the Tough Mudder ..... : "Tough Mudder" is a 10-12 mile mud and obstacle course designed to bring you out of your comfort zone by testing your physical strength, stamina, and mental grit. With no podiums, winners, or clocks to race against, it's not about how fast you can cross the finish line. Rather, it's a challenge that emphasizes teamwork, camaraderie, and accomplishing something almost as tough as you are."

To wrestle your life back from the insidious gambling addiction is to me a 'Tough Mudder Challenge' in it's own right. Congratulations Matt on your continued good progress. You've earned the 'GamCare Tough Mudder T Shirt' to wear with pride. Take care,  hang on to it at all costs.......stephen

Posted on:
Tue, 26/09/2017 - 07:49

Annie_25

Joined:
2017-07-05

Hi Matt

Thanks for posting on my diary.Almost at the one year mark, you should be so proud of what you have acheived, the advice that you are able to give others on here due to your own experiences is so well recieved.You seem to be enjoying your life ,how it should be,the world is a much better place without gambling. 

Take care

Annie x

Posted on:
Tue, 26/09/2017 - 09:21

breakfree

Joined:
2011-01-01

One year is fantastic Matt, I am determined to also reach the year mark:-)

Posted on:
Tue, 26/09/2017 - 12:56

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 358

Thank you all yet again for your words of kindness and encouragement they really are appreciated more than you will know.

Stephen, I like the anaology a lot. I do believe I went to some serious murky, muddy and dark places and at times felt like I was drowning in the swamp of gambling and emotional misery. I went to depths so deep and ventured lower than I ever had before. Previously I had just dipped my toe and never admitted and realised the true danger of the risks I would take. I had never really started the race for recovery and when I did I could not see the end but knew I had to keep on going. I was weighed down in emotional turmoil and financial problems. I used others hands to help pull me up and out and have kept running ever since. I know there is no finish line in this race but I know I will never ever stop running now, I simply can't. My hand is here to help you guys too along the way, we are all in this together.

Stay strong all. 

Matt 

Posted on:
Wed, 27/09/2017 - 13:54

Brummyboy

Joined:
2016-11-08

Hi Matt, 

Just spent the last hour reading your diary. What a fantastic read. It is amazing how far you've came and how well you've taken everything that's happened in your stride. It's also amazing what a year can do. I feel like your recovery is similar to mine in the sense that you put your family first now and know that family is the most important thing in the world. I'm on day 356 and a year ago my family didn't want to know. They had a feeling of what was going in my life and tbh I never cared to see them. All my time was for gambling and gambling alone. I can't describe how fantastic my life is now, and I have a feeling that's how you feel too. 

Well done on your gamble free days and getting your life together. This diary is a breath of fresh air mate. 

Dan

Posted on:
Wed, 27/09/2017 - 16:47

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Hi Brummyboy

Just a couple of days behind me, sorry we haven't crossed paths before now.

I sadly lost what I wanted to be my family, my ex turned her back on me and went into punish mode, using her daughter who I loved as my own as a weapon on repeat. As horrible as that treatment was I never turned to gambling or anything else to escape the pain, I met it all head on and felt it. That helped get me to where I am today and life is a world better for me.  I still have my own mountain to climb in some ways but life is so so much better and my future can only be positive now. 

I look forward to breaking the 1 year barrier and welcoming you into that club a couple of days later.

Thanks for your post and good luck in your recovery.

Matt

Posted on:
Fri, 29/09/2017 - 09:42

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 361

I am off to Manchester this Weekend to see my football team lose again no doubt! I am however looking forward to the trip as I am meeting a friend/customer there and my best friend too. Should be fun.

My other best friend visited Wednesday evening to catch up and have a few beers which was nice. I can see so much potential in my life now it can be a bit overwhelming at times!  I am genuinely so excited and the only way for that potential to be fulfilled is to commit to a gamble free life. I have been dating a girl for a while now and she knows everything about my past and still seems keen. She ticks all my boxes too so hoping that as time goes on it may develop into something. The foundadtions are certainly being laid correctly this time.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Matt

Posted on:
Fri, 29/09/2017 - 12:43

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Hi Matt it'S reassuring to mysrlf and others that this road can be travelled and a positive outcome is achievable. You deserve every happiness and life should be exciting not full of worry, guilt and self loathing. Not long until a year for you, amazing, Have a super weekend S:)

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 01:21

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Congratulations Matt. A full year without gambling is a massive achievement. We all know how hard it is to overcome the urges to gamble, when the addiction is so persistent and fills our heads with delusions. To battle through all that for a year and get your life back is absolutely wonderful. You have my respect for that and also for helping your fellow travellers on their journey. Your diary has been an inspiration to many of your GamCare friends including me.....stephen

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 08:53

Brummyboy

Joined:
2016-11-08

Well done on the year gamble free mate. Plenty more to come. 

Dan

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 09:41

Bal

Joined:
2015-04-18

Nice one Matt

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 10:18

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

DAY 365

It is finally here, a full year without a bet. This year has been both the worst and best period of my life. I re-started this diary on Day 3 of this current journey after a major relapse. I thought I had hit rock bottom and knew I had to stop. On that day though I really didn't know how to , or what was to come. I had a mountain of debt and an even bigger mountain of secrets. I began the journey day by day but still not in the way I should. I continued to keep all the secrets and thought I could tackle this challenge alone, I know now that way was always doomed to fail. 

After battling through to day 46 on my own, maybe the true Day 1 arrived. My House of cards finally crumbled in the most brutal way. My ex Fiance found out that I wasn't the guy she had fallen in love with, bought a house with and wanted to marry. She attacked me physically and I immediately packed my bags and left to stay in a hotel, shell shocked, devastated and lost. I believed this was the worst day of my life but there were more to come. That night I called the Samaritans as I thought about killing myself, it was the first time I had ever admitted my gambling problem out loud. The stranger on the end of that telephone was shocked at how I had kept it to myself for 15 years and we spoke for 3 hours, he saved my life.

On Day 47 the biggest and most defining moment of my life arrived. I went to see a councellor and within 15 minutes of leaving that room I called my brother, my best friend in Leeds and then went home to see my other best friend and his wife to finally admit to them that I was a gambling addict, they had no idea, I had managed to cover it all up, I had become a master of deception. Once my secrets were revealed, Immediately the shame was gone, the support I received was simply incredible and overnight I became  an open book. The questions they asked I was happy to answer and my answers truly shocked them but they all stuck by me, something I will never forget. I know the one thing I have done correctly in life is my choice of friends, I have been lucky to be surrounded by such great people.

Sadly my ex took the other path and attempted to heal her wounds of my deception by attempting to emotionally destroy me and attempt to burn all the bridges I had built over many years with my friends and family. She attempted to "Gas light" my entire life and portray me as a terrible person to anyone she come across. She used my love for her and her daughter as emotional torture and left me living in limbo/groundhog day until I was strong enough to stand up to her and her emotional abuse and mind games. During this period she pulled me in and then brutally pushed me away on repeat. She used a child as a weapon until eventually the bullets ran out. I spent Xmas with her and her daughter when the abuse was reaching it's peak and I nearly suffered a breakdown.

I cried everyday, I couldn't listen to music on the radio, I couldn't function at work and then when the emotional abuse peaked on day 94 and my life felt totally hopeless I stood on a bridge and contemplated suicide, I still don't really totally know what stopped me but I knew I couldn't put anymore pain and suffering on anyone else. I stepped off and drove back to my friends house where I was staying. He thought I had taken drugs as I was a mess and incoherent. I went to bed and couldn't physically move, I was numb. I tried calling my friend in Leeds and again he thought I had taken something as I just was a complete mess. The next morning I called the Samaritans again and then every friend I have and told them about my gambling, I no longer wanted secrets from anyone.

That day was Day 1, the real day 1. The first day of the rest of my life. I had no idea how to get through it but I knew for the first time I had to feel the pain and really feel it. I knew I had to remember how painful it was to guarantee I would never feel it again. By this point I had lost a stone and a half in weight, I looked unhealthy and I knew I had to start looking after myself again. My friends had offered their hands and I had to take them.

My ex tried one more time to bring me back into the family fold, so I went to a pantomine with them, after that night I knew my relationship was over and that it was unfair to put her daughter through it any longer so I made the heart breaking decision to finally walk away. It broke my heart more than I have experienced in my life. There was continued emotional abuse and guilt laid on me but each attempt of hurt made me stronger day by day.

I healed the correct way, I moved away and stayed with friends. I didn't go out drinking, chasing women, gambling or feeling sorry for myself to paper over the pain, I truly let myself feel it and gather strength everyday to start to re build my life. In this period my ex would try twist the knife even at one point putting her daughter on the phone to ask "why I didn't love her anymore?" she had also got with someone else and moved them into the house I paid the mortgage and the bills for. Eventually after 5 months of soild crying everyday I decided to break this chain of limbo, move back to the house and put an end to the no mans land that was my life. 

On Day 202, after a few weeks of abuse and living under the same roof as my ex, her daughter and the new guy, I came home to a half empty house. They had cleaned it out of the furniture and anything else they could carry. This moment was when I really knew I was free to start my life again and be the person I should always have been. I had the chance that many don't get as I really knew who I was and who I wanted to be.

There were more games played right up until the bitter end but I was fully in control of the situation and on day 291 I completed on my house and bought her out of it.  This meant I could change the locks and know I could never suffer at her hands again. August 24th was to be our wedding day, this day came and passed and I know now it was a lucky escape. I do not have any bad feeling towards my ex I really wish she and especially her daughter will be happy forever. I have accepted the way she dealt with the pain was to punish me and maybe that's the only way she could deal with it. The past is the past and I will always remember the reason I finally broke free of my problems is because I lost them.

I have used this diary to document my daily path and the support I have received has helped me arrive at where I am today.....Day 365 and a fully autonomous, gamble free man. Now at the age of 37 I have a life ahead of me that I plan to appreciate and enjoy. If my diary can inspire anyone to know there is a future, then it will repay some of the huge debt I owe to this forum and the people here.

I am sat here now typing at my desk with tears in my eyes once again, however this time not because I am sad but because I am truly thankful to you all and know without you, I simply wouldn't have got here.

Thank you Gamcare I look forward to my next year gamble free, it truly is the best way to enjoy the precious gift we have been given of life.

Matt

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 10:40

ALAN 135

Joined:
Before 2009

It bring's it right to the front of your mind again and re living the tale is a difficult thing to face Matt , but youv'e done it buddy , the good the bad and the downright ugly things in your life have been faced up to and dealt with :))

I'm absolutely made up for you Matt and tyake great delight in welcoming you to the " year club " , as you say " You have your whole life ahead of you now to keep on reaping the benefits of what youve sown . 

Enjoy your day matey and I'm proud to walk alongside you :))

Best wishes 

Alan 

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 11:34

Sharon41

Joined:
2017-03-16

Matt, you know if I could give you a big fat hug right now I would! A year GF is a monumental achievement alone but combined with what you've been through  there is no words. 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' is an overused phrase but not for you my friend, you deserved to be the man you want to be and live the life you want to live. I couldn't be happier for you and sincere thanks for all the support and encouragement you've given me and everyone else. Enjoy this amazing day S x 

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 11:47

chartom3

Joined:
2015-03-11

Great post Matt, what a journey you have been on congrats on a year gf  enjoy your new gf life you truely deserve it.....All the best:)

 

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 12:17

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

Congratulations Matt what a great achievement. You are a great inspiration to many many many people you should be so proud. 

It's been an absolute to watch to grow and blossom from the fragile man who turned up here to where you are now. 

The way you have handled yourself has been admirable when you have had things thrown back in your face. 

I know from experience even though you have moved on and taken control back of your life, you will still have some thoughts of what could have been. Try not to dwell and celebrate your achievement with those great friends who backed you. 

Have a bit of cake bud you've earned it

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 12:18

Oldhamktf

Joined:
2015-09-26

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            {~ ♥~♥~♥~♥~ ♥~}
          {~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~ ♥~}
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       {~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥}
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 {╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝ ╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝}
HAPPY 1 YEAR GAMBLE FREE

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 13:30

breakfree

Joined:
2011-01-01

Fantastic post Matt, I draw lots of strength from this post.
You've turned your life around for the better and that deserves a massive amount of credit.
I am almost a mirror of you and hope to copycat your journey.

Breakfree

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 14:36

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Hi All

Thanks again so much for your kind words, I do indeed feel a sense of pride at the strength I have summoned to do this. The  understanding I have of myself now makes me feel like I can move onto my second year gamble free and achieve anything I put my mind to. However I will never be complacent and I won't dwell too long on the past.

I really do hope people can take something from my adventure and to keep the faith when life just seems too much. Just don't give in, refuse, abstain and then allow yourself a smile and pat yourself on the back for doing so.

P.S Thanks for the cake Oldham :-)

Matt

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 14:53

Amom

Joined:
2014-10-09

Good for you! I know it hasn't been easy but I am sure it has been worth it.

Cathyx

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 15:42

ITDamo

Joined:
2016-01-26

Hi Matt,

What a great, honest post that was.

Congratulations on reaching one year gamble free....i never doubted you would get there.

Hope you go out and enjoy it the right way.
Damo

Posted on:
Tue, 03/10/2017 - 22:07

Sars27

Joined:
2017-06-02

Congratulations matt! You've done  amazing ! Your journey helped me where I am today :) keep up the good work .

Posted on:
Thu, 05/10/2017 - 16:21

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

DAY 367

Busy day yesterday in London at a big conference. Tonight I am going to my folks for dinner, my brother and niece will be there too so that will be good.

Feel a bit subdued today, won't go into it too much on here but sometimes I feel I have maybe been too honest about my problems to people and maybe I get looked at differently. However I know who I am and what I would like to achieve in life and the people who won't accept me for me now don't deserve to be in my life.

Stay strong everyone

Matt

Posted on:
Thu, 05/10/2017 - 16:38

Sam Crow

Joined:
2012-02-23

Well done on your year GF Matt, you are well and truly on Recovery Road! As for those people who may look at you differently just remember this - those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.

All the best

Posted on:
Fri, 06/10/2017 - 09:59

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

DAY 368

After a couple of busy weekends I am very much going to chill out this one. I want to get my house in order and get on top of my life again lol.

It's a weird one, I don't feel the need to celebrate a year gamble free, my friends have asked if I plan to. It is hard to explain but I feel that this is the new me so maybe don't need to make a big deal out of it and just plod on now as a gamble free man.

Had a bit of a low yesterday. I think you were right Oldham that bringing everything to the forefront made me look back a little. I shed a few tears in the car yesterday as I felt sad that I lost the relationship with my exes little girl. I have been focussed so hard on recovery and breaking free of the pain and limbo I guess some of the memories I have got a little lost and tarnished. All part of the grieving process I know but still feel sometimes that it was a harsh and horrible end and it didnt need to be that way.

Life is good for me now so I will walk forward with that, not run with it. I want to take my time to appreciate exactly what I have now and move forward at the correct pace to enjoy it.

Have a good weekend everyone.

 

Matt

Posted on:
Fri, 06/10/2017 - 10:18

Normanl1892

Joined:
2017-10-01

Hi Matt,

I'm new to the forum and have just read your story and i hope i can take inspiration from yours in my own recovery. Its great to see you have such a positive outlook on life. Thanks for sharing and good luck in your continued gf life.

Norman

Posted on:
Sun, 08/10/2017 - 18:09

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 370

Life is so so different now. I guess I've been through the re-adjustment phase and I am now settling into a new normal. Haven't done much this weekend. Back in my gambling days I would have been killing the time with football accumulators and glued to my phone and soccer Saturday. Today I went to an animal sanctuary and tonight I am meeting up with a friend for dinner who I spent most of my early twenties living with.

Appreciating the calm and the life I now have gamble free is a real blessing. Not sure what the future holds for me but it has to be better now.

Stay strong

Matt

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 09/10/2017 - 06:21

4D

Joined:
2010-02-10

Hi matt, haven't commented on your diary before but its incredible to read the difference in your attitude over the first year of your recovery. Pretty inspirational to those of us fighting urges in the early stages!! I'm looking forward to reading what life has in store for you in the future, good things I am sure. You have been through the fire all right but you've gained wisdom compassion and an ability to be in touch with your emotions rather than avoidance and running to addiction - priceless. I've just read the following words from your diary, and they are going to be my inspiration today:

"To think that my problems nearly overcome my spirit makes me a little angry. Gambling nearly took everything away from me and I refuse to ever go back there."

Thanks
4D

Posted on:
Mon, 09/10/2017 - 09:44

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

DAY 371

Hi 4D. I appreciate anyone taking the time to read my diary and if I can help/inspire anyone trying to beat this illness then it really is worth it. This diary has helped me immensely in my recovery, sometimes because I needed to get things off my chest and other times because I know I don't want to let you guys down with a relapse. I want people to know recovery is possible no matter how bleak the situation appears to be. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time but it is possible and it only leads to better things if we don't take that next bet.

I wish you all the best in your journey 4D and thanks again for reading my diary and stopping by to comment.

Matt

Posted on:
Mon, 09/10/2017 - 20:08

Self Sufficient...

Joined:
2017-05-10

Hi Matt thanks for posting on my diary. Great to see you forging ahead with a good attitude. Ups and downs are part of life and we have to accept it won't always be a bed of roses. What counts is not so much what happens to us but how we react to it. We now have our lifes to live, lets get on with it and have some good times.Take good care of yourself Matt and keep blazing that trail ....stephen

Posted on:
Tue, 10/10/2017 - 01:44

changemylife

Joined:
2016-11-02

Matt your story is an inspiration. It's been over a year without gambling and you have grown, flourished and encouraged others.

So now you have better things to do with your time like visiting an animal sanctuary instead of painstaking pointless betting analysis.

Posted on:
Tue, 10/10/2017 - 09:56

Matt 24

Joined:
2012-04-25

Day 372

230 days ago On Day 142 I wrote

I really do hope my story can help others  avoid the same destructive paths I have taken.. I have been to rock bottom, I am probably half a step up from there . I am still emotionally destroyed and feel the pain every single day but I know the only way through it is not gambling and to continue to straighten out my life. I am a good person and will be a better man for my experiences. I have a huge sense of loss which overwhelms me on occasions but I know I have to move forward day by day and part of that moving forward is leaving my mistakes in the past.

My low self esteem problems created this gambling illness and led me to self destruct, push people away and lose them from my life. I am so grounded now and so ready for my next chapter, whatever that maybe. I cannot say I am excited as that would be a lie but what I can say is I like the fact I have no secrets, no skeletons in the closet and I fully understand what led me to this point in my life. I want to be proud of myself one day for overcoming my problems and hopefully creating a life from scratch that gives me fulfillment, love and a real purpose to be the man I always wanted to be.

Keep going everyone GF is the only way.  

Reading that it appears I had the foresight, if not the certainty that a life gamble free would improve things for me even in the middle of heartbreak and with no certainty of my future or what lay ahead. Now on day 342 I can say I am so so glad I stuck at it and do feel a sense of pride I got to where I am today, despite all the challenges I faced and feeling pretty worthless at the time.

Keep going everyone and thanks for your continued support, it is invaluable to me.

Matt

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