my partner recently relapsed so I’m currently looking into different sites and support networks.
This could sound really stupid but I’m worried he will forever measure his debts against those of others. He thinks that because there are so many people worse off than he is or spending so much more than he has then he doesn’t have “enough” of a problem.
He currently owes money on his credit card because of gambling and has been taking money out of our joint acc. I’ll never believe or trust him ever again where money is concerned because he lies so much and probably continues to do so I just have no way of knowing. I only found out about his relapse because I saw an email, I doubt he’d ever have told me about it. It breaks my heart that he doesn’t trust me enough to be honest. He has said he’s going to get back into GA and will surrender more financial control to me than he already has, it’s gotten to a point where I don’t actually want to know how much he owes or what he’s bet because I’m getting distraught at the thought of it. It makes me feel physically sick that he can lie to me.
Any help or advice is really appreciated x
If he's been to GA before he should know we suggest looking for the similarities not the differences. There will be someone in his group who has done more, and someone who has done less. The whole point though is to use those who have done more as an example and not end up like them.
Besides, if he's been to GA and actually listened, we believe that compulsive gambling is so much more than just losing money. It's the behaviour that goes with it. The lying, the secrets, the mood swings, chasing losses, not just winning or losing. We try and stop by bringing about a change within ourselves and we all have different traits need changing but we also have similar ones that we recognise in others.
You could ask him about those who have done more or he's not as bad as. Ask him if he wants to take the opportunity to look at those people and look at their lives and does he need to wait to get like them before he decides enough is enough. I'm not talking about the size of money lost, I'm talking about losing partners, homes, families, his mental state, going to prison, losing all his friends, losing jobs and even taking his own life. I guarantee him that there are people in those meetings that have done all those things including those sad members who really have committed suicide. Does he need to wait until then?
If you go on the GA website, you can download the orange book from the publication section. He should have been given one when he went before. Inside are twenty questions. Ask him to answer honestly how many he says yes to. That might help him "see the light".
Finally, try and ask him to be honest about every single debt so that you know and nothing is hidden. Bad or worse, it's better to get it out now than it be a secret and cause a relapse in the future. That also means giving over all his access to money, he can't pick and choose which bits he likes.
Finally finally, don't forget that you need help as well. It's so easy to think it's all about the gambler but you're going through a lot too. Look up gam-anon for GA friends and family and there's also a meeting on here for partners and friends.
I can't tell you what decisions to make and only the gambler can help himself when he is ready but you can talk to him and see through his bluff. You can look after yourself, get rid of the joint account or put on gambling transactions block on the account (if it has one) or switch to one that does.
Please just keep talking on here and asking questions.
All the best
I am in a similar situation to you and just wanted to say you are not alone.
My partner has had an issue with gambling for just over a year. He has consistently told me he has stopped and deleted apps etc but I have recently checked bank statements and seen black and white proof he is gambling.
It is really difficult not knowing what to do and feeling bad/guilty the thought of leaving them because it is a genuine problem and as partners we are worried about them. But in my eyes it is the lies and the deceit that is just totally unacceptable.
Sorry that I can’t offer you any solid advice. You need to think about what is best for you, and how many chances are you willing to give someone. But you are not alone. I have found clarity just by reading articles, visiting various websites etc and just educating myself on gambling maybe you should try and do the same.
thank you so much for your constructive advice! I think it really got to me last night and I had to put my feelings out to the world, it feels really good to know someone understands and is listening. GA have been really good at trying to get in touch etc but I think I’ll put him onto this site too and encourage him to talk to people, it’s really refreshing seeing so much honesty in a world that has shown me nothing but deceit and lies.
i don’t want to leave him, we have a child together but he has agreed to give me his cards now and has no access to any money without me knowing where it’s going. We’ve got a long road ahead of us again but I think he needs to be given the chance to show me he really will change this time!
ive decided we’re going to work it out. I actually put it to him like this;
if you asked me if I had been sleeping with another man and I looked you in the eye and told you no then instantly came up with excuses and explanations as to where I was or who I was with - lies - how would you feel?
he didn’t know how to respond or what to say but that’s exactly how it feels when he gambles and lies about it. I don’t know your partner or if something like that would affect him/make him think about his actions (I don’t even know if it makes my own OH think of his actions! It certainly looked like it did when his face fell) they don’t see it the same way as us because they think they need to gamble and it’s perfectly ok to hide it. But I guess that’s how an affair would be wouldn’t it, it’s their secret mistress.
im really learning a lot using and reading posts on this forum and I’m so glad I’ve got a safe space to talk now! I hope you feel that way too, I really appreciate that I’m not alone anymore x