SO I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. I was 19 and he was 21 when we got together. I'm now 23 and he's almost 25. It was clear from the start of our relationship that he had a poor management of money-always making erratic purchases or buying drinks for everyone on nights out and never getting the money back, whereas I have always been more measured and conservative. It didn't really bother me as I thought he'd grow out of it- also I trusted that he was able to keep on top of his finances in general.
About a year into the relationship was when the betting started, and he started to accrue debt. He was basically constantly living in his overdraft, and any money that came in was being betted away, in the hope that he would somehow get himself out of that hole of debt he had created for himself. I would bail him out, and put myself into financial hardship-I've now learned not to do that as it is enabling behaviour.
Three years on and betting is still a massive part of his life. Recently he admitted he had an addiction and that he had been living out of his bank overdraft for the past year, but in the past few months his betting had got so out of control that he had maxed out his overdraft and had no money.
I have told him the effect this has on me, and on our relationship countless times, but the addiction continues.I don't want to be his mother or feel like we can never plan holidays, or nice things in advance because I don't trust that he can ever actually afford it, with all his debt.
My question is: does it ever get better? Do I keep fighting for the relationship or give up? He has admitted he has a problem, and has deleted the betting apps (he's also done this before but then obviously started betting again despite all of this), and that he wants to change his ways. But he hasn't sought professional help or attempted to figure out a budget to get him out of this mess- I feel like its a never ending cycle-what do i do?
I started when I was 19, I have gambled ever since. My partner resents the gambling, but still I continue - if she actually left with my chn, It would be a shock - I think it would have changed my gambling habits? I think "shock" him, support him, it sounds like you will as you would have left if you didnt want to find a solution. Good luck, onine gambling is the worst. I havent stepped foot in a bookies for a decade - hate the atmposhere and desperate punters - horrific - yet I can deposit £50 on my phone without thinking!!
Hi @dsf
The positive I took from your post was that your boyfriend has admitted that he has an addiction. However, he will only change if he truly wants to.
It's very difficult for an addicted gambler to control their gambling to a responsible amount. This might work short term, but eventually it usually ends up in an all or nothing situation. He needs to accept that his gambling habits have no positive impact on his life. He ends up with less money, it damages your relationship and probably causes him a lot of stress. The solution to this is to stop gambling. Giving up gambling for good can be done, but only if he commits to it.
Deleting the apps isn't enough. It takes seconds to reinstall them. If online gambling is his problem, then he should look into GamStop. This will block him from all reputable online bookmakers and casinos. He should also consider installing Gamban.
He may not want the whole word to know he has a problem, but he has to trust the people closest to him. You don't want be act like his mother, nor should you. But trust is important in a relationship and he needs to rebuild the trust between you. That might mean showing you his online banking history each week, to show that he hasn't deposited money online or withdrawn suspiciously large amounts of cash.
Ultimately, you aren't responsible for his behaviour and you don't have to live with the consequences of what he does. But he needs to be very aware of what he risks losing if his gambling continues. It's likely to lead down a very dark path, where the debt only increases and deceit becomes a daily occurrence.
I wish you both well. I hope he can make the tough decision to give up gambling entirely before it does any more damage to your lives. I caused a lot of damage in my life and it will take towards 10 years to repay my gambling debts. I always believed that I had control over my gambling, until I was in a dark place and contemplating the worst. Fortunately, my wife stood by me and now it's been over a year since I gambled. It CAN be beaten.
Hi dsf,
You seem really sensible and wise, which is a great start for dealing with the issue.
Firstly, I am sure you already do, but make sure you look after your money and yourself! Confide in trusted friends/relatives for your own sanity and to make sure you have support.
It has come to the stage that it has to be you OR the gambling - as hard as it may sound. If he really values you and the relationship he will need to quit for good - no half measures, as they do not work for a GA.
You know what your tolerance levels are and you wouldn't be here if they were not at breaking point already.
Although a gambling addiction is an illness, most of the time 'tough love' is the only answer in your situation. Can you imagine the strain of continuing like things are, or with a family? It's horrible and I regret the tens of thousands of pounds I have selfishly wasted (and the hours and hours gambling), rather than spending it on my family.
Ultimately though it's not really about the money - it's his and your mental health and well being/quality of the relationship/your lives. If things carry on, it will destroy you both. You cannot continue in the never ending cycle.
The problem you have that it is so difficult to tackle this matter head on. When I was confronted I would, lie/deny/deflect, become defensive/evasive/aggressive because the addiction had such a hold.
When talking to him, it's best to stay calm, but be firm but fair. If (when) he gets angry/emotional, then walk away, but maintain an insistence that it is you or the gambling. He will no doubt accuse you of all sorts e.g. excessive spending on yourself, wasting money on this or that. Ignore all that and don't respond. Just keep repeating what needs to be done. If you get nowhere, then you have a really tough decision to make.
I wish you well and hope things work out, James
Hi
I am sorry to read of what you are both going through. I am a recovering addict myself I have been clean for over 4 years now which you may think well he’s sorted but I assure you some things stay.
firstly can I assure you that IF your partner does seek professional help then YES it can get easier and he can change. I went to 6 months of counselling and after the first 6 sessions I was ready to throw in the towel, I had to push the reset button on my life. I was in debt and earning minimum wage, I had no more than £10 a week to begin with but my fiancée and family supported me hugely.
It does seem like things will never change, I look back at my own behaviour and can see why people wrote me off and thought I would never sort myself out, I was 16 when I started and just shy of 30 when I came clean so my problem was in the region of 14 years. Sometimes seeing other people’s experiences can help understand in some ways how addicts minds work, it is a serious illness. Can I recommend a BBC documentary that was recently aired PAUL MERSON, FOOTBALL, GAMBLING and ME. It’s a terrific documentary and extremely insightful, both of you may benefit from watching it. If that isn’t for you guys then this Gamcare team are incredible I can’t praise them enough for the work they do.
I hope things work out for you both.
Best wishes
Matty
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