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Will it ever stop?  

 
Hypervigilantwife
(@hypervigilantwife)

I am three years into knowledge of my husbands addiction. We are married, mortgaged and have two kids. 

I have gone nine months separated from him before but always end up falling for all the promises. I manage his income and we have no joint finances bar the mortgage now but I have just found out that he had been gambling for six months behind my back again. My engagement and wedding rings have gone missing (of course he swears it wasnt him) but I dont trust him. I dont know what to do. When is enough enough. Is this just my life now ? 

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Posted : 23rd June 2020 8:37 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi 

do you really want this to stop?

I have been in your situation. I had control of finances, only joint thing was mortgage, all his salary straight to me. Yet he was still at it, secretly, had bank accounts that he used for loans to gamble. He got lunch money which he probably used for the bookies or a bet with someone at work. This was years ago when I had no idea about credit reports etc. Plus I knew that if he chose to gamble he would.

Now there are credit reports, notification if any accounts or loans or cards applied for.

if he has access to money he can gamble. If he knows password, remembers card numbers, has a bank account, PayPal, credit card, savings accounts, iD, passport. The list is endless.

Have you sought real help from any agency such as gamcare or Gamanon?

You have to learn how to safeguard yourself, your money, your possessions. Set boundaries, no bailouts, cash and receipts. No access whatsoever to money or accounts. No cards.

Support, real life people who have lived with this.

Also learn about enabling. If their are no consequences that enables the gambler to continue. 

Is he wanting to stop? Is his life unmanageable? 

I didn't want to live with an active gambler, I believed the promises, paid the loans , kept secrets, ignored it, ignored him! 

I was 'Mrs fix it', I made his life easy. I managed the bills, the debt, the worry. What was I thinking, doing? Enabling.

Now I look after myself. I get help for me so that I stop repeating the cycle, stop helping, stop paying.

Enabling keeps an addict sicker for longer. To stop we have to make life uncomfortable. We have to look at our behaviour. Change ourselves.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th June 2020 10:07 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi @hyper. I'm the recovering gambler in my relationship  I want to beat this addiction for good. I have blocked all gambling websites my husband has full control of our finances he changed all passwords bank cards etc I don't know any pin numbers of card numbers. He gives me shopping money and money that I need to get anything else I need for us as a family. I provide receipts for everything I buy and they are all kept where he can look at them if he chooses to. This is  what merry go round is talking about in some way. Is it comfortable for me to ask for money.......no it's embarrassing Is it comfortable to be quizzed about what you have spent .......definitely not........ BUT is it necessary YES  I've only been gamble free 3weeks but those 3weeks have given me the clarity in my mind to really digest what I've done and the consequences. Would I trust me? No....I don't trust myself I'm capable of lying being deceitful manipulating etc etc. This is what addiction does to you I wasn't brought up like this. But you know what I'm find solace in starting to return to my core values, enjoying not chasing the wins not worrying about the post coming the phone ringing. It's horrible to be out of line with what you believe in I'm taking it day by day having the counselling talking about all my issues . For you enough is enough but what you have to decide is is your enough going forward with him. Does he want to stop? My husband found me out I could have carried on lying found a way to gamble would have been easier in many ways but I chose to tell the truth everything how I manipulated our finances cashback at supermarkets ......etc etc. I knew what I was doing was wrong but the self loathing thought that you might win big the adrenaline rush etc keeps you going feeds the addiction. Im unsure if I will ever be able to be trusted but how I feel now is that as long as I don't gamble again it's a fair price to pay. My hope is that by taking things day keeping blocks in place will give my mind time to heal and space to make better choices. Talk to your husband make yourself heard I'm the recovering gambler and I don't think that he has accepted that he is an addict and until he does nothing will change. I wish you all the best for the future feel free to ask me any questions I'll always be honest( I don't feel the need to lie anymore!!) and I'll always reply

 

 

 

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Posted : 24th June 2020 11:33 am
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)

@hypervigilantwife

No, this doesn't have to be your life now. You have a choice and it's not an unreasonable choice to look after yourself and your kids. 

Everyone seems to be different in what they will accept as normal behaviour from their partners. Some leave after the first time they find out, some put up with it for life. 

My wife finally had enough of my lies and gambling and all the other things that go along with it and sort out a better life for herself. I don't and can't blame her and I'm glad she's now happy, because towards the end of our relationship she wasn't happy and that was on me.

Also, engagement and wedding rings don't just go missing, they get taken. The fact is he knows it as well as you do. Denial on his part is understandable, when you lie so much you start to believe it and the lie becomes the truth, but  if you want them back don't give up asking him. Most importantly, look after yourself.

Chris.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th June 2020 4:50 pm
Givemethebuzz
(@givemethebuzz)
Posted by: Hypervigilantwife

but I dont trust him. I dont know what to do. When is enough enough.  ? 

i think you have answered your own question its time to either boot him out of the house or pack your bags 

you only attempt to reconcile things when clear progress has been made 

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Posted : 25th June 2020 10:17 am
Hypervigilantwife
(@hypervigilantwife)

Thank you, its interesting to hear your view. I am sure he now sees me as responsible for him and I feel like I have to stop him. I am just starting to get help for myself. 

 

I worry though that the lying means that i wont ever be able to truly forgive him or relax 

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Posted : 25th June 2020 8:27 pm
Hypervigilantwife
(@hypervigilantwife)

Thank you. I feel like I am always hoping he will want it enough to at least admit when he has relapsed rather than lie. The gambling is one thing, all the lies is another. 

 

He wont accept the rings, it's almost like he knows that's too far 

 

Thank you 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 25th June 2020 8:31 pm
Lethe
(@lethe)

It can stop if he wants it but you have no control over when or if that happens. What you must do is protect yourself and the finances which means full disclosure verified independently by you, no access to funds and savings for him, full accountability for any funds however small that pass through his hands,  full financial control by you and full transparency all on a permanent basis.

You can't trust a word he says at the moment so don't. You don't have to trust him financially if you do decide to stay. If he wants to stop and stay stopped it's a small price for him to pay. Mr L can look at the bank accounts any time he likes (never asks) but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again.

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Posted : 27th June 2020 9:58 am
Hypervigilantwife
(@hypervigilantwife)

I agree. I do have this control but the way his income sometimes works is cash. Which doesnt work. He is lying about how much or skimming off the top of claiming he hasnt been paid when in fact he has. It's just draining. I wont if I will ever have an actual relationship though as at the moment I resent him 

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Posted : 27th June 2020 11:05 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Yes you are still very angry, but I get the feeling that unless you get full control of this he wont. It all sounds very difficult for you as you are unable to take full control of the finances. It's very difficult to give advice and I feel how unhappy you are but unless he wants to stop( doesn't sound like it) you are going to be forever stuck in this stalemate. Look after yourself put  yourself first only thing you can do if you don't want to cut your losses and run. Best wishes for the future.

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Posted : 27th June 2020 12:12 pm
Lethe
(@lethe)

Does he have anything to say about all this?

If he wants to stop he's going to need a total rethink of weak areas which includes his access to cash. It might be inconvenient for him, it might even involve additional expense but that will still be cheaper than losing and chasing. If he's unwilling to do what it takes, he's not ready to stop.

Living like this is exhausting and draining and takes the responsibility for worrying from where it lies - with him. Concentrate on you and what you want and need.

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Posted : 27th June 2020 8:12 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Oh I feel for you 

There is nothing worse than when it feels like your the one doing all the work but your not the addict with the problem, gambling is a horrible addiction and so easy to loose so much money in such a short period of time. I gambled a couple off month back and in the space of an hour I lost nearly  £8000 I still feel like a total waste off space I'm the one with the problem and I'm the one who needs to seek the help and just pray that my partner will stay by my side,but if she wants me to go then that's her choice as I don't want her to suffer anymore 

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Posted : 27th June 2020 9:16 pm
JayneW1979
(@jaynew1979)

I’m the wife of a gambler/online game purchases. I’ve just found out for the 3rd time he is still at it. I don’t know what to do. I have control of all finances but he still found a way and it’s not huge money (that is sort of irrelevant to the lies and deceit) but he has still done it. I’m not sure I can support him. I love him so much and we have young children everything is wonderful accept for the addiction which makes him a selfish, untrustworthy liar and thief. We have put blocks on everything so he can’t access anything and I have control of all money, he has to ask for everything and I’ve asked him to get help but I don’t know that it is enough. My life will always be questioning him, always distrusting him, and having to control everything and I’m not sure I want that. I was hoping there was going to be light for us but like you I just don’t know. 

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Posted : 3rd July 2020 5:52 pm
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