Unsure the best way to handle this...

Dear User name (M),

Thank you for posting on the forum about your partner's gambling. It is natural to feel conflicted, so we hope that you receive plenty of reassurance and support. We are available on our  helpline and LiveChat for a one to one chat with an adviser should you need us. We also run a chatroom for partners and families. It sounds as though it is early days .... you might need time to decide what to do and talking to others should be helpful too.

On a practical note you might want to use a different forum name, it does not need to be your real name but it might come across better others. 

Take good care of yourself, we are here for you and for your partner. 

Best Wishes,

Fiona 

Forum Admin  

Hi unfortunately there is no handbook to live with or deal with a compulsive gambler, who is also a compulsive liar. Some are addicted to many things or move from one addiction to another (PlayStation to gambling). Everything online and on mobile phones is addictive, that is their design.

The best thing to do is protect yourself. Get credit reports and sign up to gamstop yourself. There is software you can download to gadgets. 
Call gamcare for advice, also look at gamanon which is for f&f of compulsive gamblers (sister group to GA).

Learn about addiction and enabling. Think about what you want, think about how to change your reaction.

Put yourself first, don’t be manipulated. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed. Be ruthless, tough love. Whatever you decide is fine. Concentrate on your recovery and not his.

Morning M,

Thanks for sharing story.

As you stated that there is no handbook in dealing with compulsive gamblers. However,  there are tones of information and tips on here in dealing with the inner demon. Some may say that it is the devil's work or Chimp or whatever you call it. 

In my opinion, work and support your partner in any form in battling this awful habit.

All the best 

Xoi

Apologies for the repeated message- computer glitch. 

Xoi

He can get his understanding from counselling and GA.

You will need to be tough. Protect your own interests. Don't fall for the self pity. It's a very usual reaction when they're found out or finally confess. Don't believe a word he says including the alleged lack of debt without verifying it independently for yourself. If he's not up for that, be wary. There's every possibility he's leaving secret doors back to gambling ajar. There's plenty of help and advice for him out there if he's really ready to stop. Don't feel guilty for anything you ask in the way of reassurance. Look after yourself.

Hi 

I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you..just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. My partner was gambling a hell of a lot a couple of years ago and I thought he had stopped until last night. He works away so he earns a very good wage, turns out he has spent thousands of pounds betting and lost the lot he doesn’t have a penny to his name, he had tried to get a loan and this is how I found out. He’s admitted to me he has a problem and has told me he wants help. I believe he does want help but I don’t believe he’s willing to get it. I asked him to give me access to his banking and he won’t, he’s told me I can check his banking monthly. We have 2 children together we are a really happy family. But it always seems to come back to betting. I’m lost on what to do and where to go from here too. I’m left footing the bills etc and I don’t earn a lot myself so he hasn’t only left himself with no money he’s now left me with just enough to cover all the bills etc. 

it’s a really hard situation to be in and I feel your pain, it’s not nice but we have to understand it’s an addiction and we have to help them work through it as long as they are willing to help themselves 

again sorry for no advice, just know you aren’t alone ?

Thanks for the replies, they've been really helpful. 

I was there for a few days longer, but he didn't call for help. I've told him I'll support him as a friend but I can't be in a relationship with him and I'm staying with family. It's been very stressful. I've done him a financial plan, he's going to be okay and it's all fairly manageable, I'm helping him manage his finances and want to support him.

The day when I left, he called the gambling line. He also sent a very scary message and I had to get friends to go over. I'm worried about him, and I feel like a buoyancy aid at the moment. Since this he's told me he's not going to do anything stupid but you don't switch off caring for a person like that. I'm also upset and hurt, and I don't think he's really feeling accountable. I'm talking to the helpline and they're really helping, and hopefully his treatment will hopefully start soon. 

Update in case anyone is in a situation like I was. I left the house to stay with family, and I've been trying to support my ex-partner through managing his finances, and also having the counselling. I think I was seeing my relationship in a rose tinted light, yes there were good things but there were a number of things that were wrong for some years, he was very dependent on me, manipulated and lied and I always felt I was trying to push him and change him and swimming to keep us both afloat. Since we separated I did have doubts about whether I did the right thing, but I'm now sure I did. His reaction has only taken into account his own feelings not mine. He doesn't appear to have any empathy for me, and after a few successful months of not gambling, there's a number of red flags he might start again (ducking out of support, wanting to take back control of his finances). As an anxious person, I cannot be in a relationship like that, while the breakup has been hard, always worrying about what could happen when I know he's previously put gambling in front of both my and himself, is not an option. I am better off on my own and I wish him all the best, but not at the cost of my own well being.

Since I left I realised just how much his gambling has affected me. He spent my savings and took opportunities away from me. Since I separated I've been able to save some money and even small things like buying myself a new set of bedding has made me realise that I was living with the financial stress of whether I could pay the bills when I shouldn't have been. I have some guilt about leaving, but I think this will go with time and I don't really have to feel guilty about putting myself first. It's confusing with it being an addiction, because I feel sorry for him and also sick at him. 

The future looks bright, lock down is ending soon, I have some savings, I'm planning to have my hair done and a holiday with the girls later in the year. 

I just wanted to post to say to anybody who decides that leaving is the right thing to do, that you can do it, you're strong enough and there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's up to the gambler to sort themselves out and not your responsibility. Their mental health is their responsibility. You can't support anyone unless you look after yourself. 

Dear @username,

thank you so much for sharing your update and how things have been over the past few months.

So pleased to hear you are looking after yourself, you have created clarity for yourself and that you are enjoying financial independence from a problem gambler. 

Please do keep us posted every once in a while and enjoy your life and your care for yourself. 

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin