I've been reading through this forum and seems like a great place for support, and I feel like to get my head around what's happening and hopefully get some advice.
My partner's dad rang me today, as he'd been trying to sort out an issue we were having with my partner not being able to use his account in the UK. I assumed it was some silly bureaucracy thing and both of us were shocked to learn the account was completely empty.
My father in law managed to get a statement from the bank (their mistake) and pinged it over, I couldn't believe over 9 grand on gambling online had left his account. We've been having real money problems, I haven't got as much coming in as usual since Covid and my partner's had unstable work. We actually couldn't pay our electricity bill so I borrowed it off my mum, and I've been having to buy our food as he was having some money problems. I felt bad for him. This has happened before, we'd previously had problems and I ended up furnishing our old house, paying him for language lessons (as a ploy to give him some money) and generally just spending a bit more than him.
Turns out, while all this has been going on he's been betting hundreds of pounds a day. I feel so betrayed. He gambled enough money to put a deposit down on a house, yet we're skint. It just feels so selfish and dishonest. I don't feel like I know him. I found he'd spent another thousand from his English account too and the amount of times he's looked me in the eye and said that he doesn't have money for whatever fake reason... it's just making me feel really bad.
I've always thought he's good for me, he doesn't smoke, drink, he's faithful, he's very loving, he gets me out of the house walking, he is helpful and generally a good partner. I love him very much. We have had issues in the past, around him being addicted to the Playstation (admittedly preferable to this gambling c**P). But I thought we'd moved past them- in lockdown we've really clung together and supported each other.
So it all came out, by accident, and luckily he's not in a disastrous amount of debt (I have a separate account too) I think we're really lucky it came out now. I don't know how to deal with addiction, and would really love a handbook on the best thing to do for both of us. He's had a good cry and apologised to me and reached out to some friends. He's done the bank block thing and going to get me to control his finances (his idea) for the next while. I want him to get help through Gamcare but keep reading it has to come from him and I shouldn't force him. I am quite scared about how out of control this has all been. I don't know what to expect, is he going to have like a withdrawal? Should I be kind and understanding or tough? I can't have him sleep in the bed with me because I just feel totally freaked out about this all. Part of me wants to punish him and scream and shout but I think he feels awful enough and I want him to be able to be open and honest with me...
What's the best thing to do? Can relationships get through this? How do you trust the person again?
Dear User name (M),
Thank you for posting on the forum about your partner's gambling. It is natural to feel conflicted, so we hope that you receive plenty of reassurance and support. We are available on our helpline and LiveChat for a one to one chat with an adviser should you need us. We also run a chatroom for partners and families. It sounds as though it is early days .... you might need time to decide what to do and talking to others should be helpful too.
On a practical note you might want to use a different forum name, it does not need to be your real name but it might come across better others.
Take good care of yourself, we are here for you and for your partner.
Hi unfortunately there is no handbook to live with or deal with a compulsive gambler, who is also a compulsive liar. Some are addicted to many things or move from one addiction to another (PlayStation to gambling). Everything online and on mobile phones is addictive, that is their design.
The best thing to do is protect yourself. Get credit reports and sign up to gamstop yourself. There is software you can download to gadgets.
Call gamcare for advice, also look at gamanon which is for f&f of compulsive gamblers (sister group to GA).
Learn about addiction and enabling. Think about what you want, think about how to change your reaction.
Put yourself first, don’t be manipulated. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed. Be ruthless, tough love. Whatever you decide is fine. Concentrate on your recovery and not his.
Thanks for sharing story.
As you stated that there is no handbook in dealing with compulsive gamblers. However, there are tones of information and tips on here in dealing with the inner demon. Some may say that it is the devil's work or Chimp or whatever you call it.
In my opinion, work and support your partner in any form in battling this awful habit.
All the best
He can get his understanding from counselling and GA.
You will need to be tough. Protect your own interests. Don't fall for the self pity. It's a very usual reaction when they're found out or finally confess. Don't believe a word he says including the alleged lack of debt without verifying it independently for yourself. If he's not up for that, be wary. There's every possibility he's leaving secret doors back to gambling ajar. There's plenty of help and advice for him out there if he's really ready to stop. Don't feel guilty for anything you ask in the way of reassurance. Look after yourself.
I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you..just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. My partner was gambling a hell of a lot a couple of years ago and I thought he had stopped until last night. He works away so he earns a very good wage, turns out he has spent thousands of pounds betting and lost the lot he doesn’t have a penny to his name, he had tried to get a loan and this is how I found out. He’s admitted to me he has a problem and has told me he wants help. I believe he does want help but I don’t believe he’s willing to get it. I asked him to give me access to his banking and he won’t, he’s told me I can check his banking monthly. We have 2 children together we are a really happy family. But it always seems to come back to betting. I’m lost on what to do and where to go from here too. I’m left footing the bills etc and I don’t earn a lot myself so he hasn’t only left himself with no money he’s now left me with just enough to cover all the bills etc.
it’s a really hard situation to be in and I feel your pain, it’s not nice but we have to understand it’s an addiction and we have to help them work through it as long as they are willing to help themselves
again sorry for no advice, just know you aren’t alone 🙂