I have been with my partner for a year and a half. We are engaged to marry in 7 months and are due to buy a new house, to exchange any day now.
re the house: I always knew he had poor credit history so am buying the house myself in my name. He was working on his credit and i n the future we would buy together at some point.
Up until this weekend there had been things that I came across (obsessive P**n, attempts at online gambling but because self excluded couldn't get any further, that kind of thing) but I confronted and he established he has compulsive behaviour and needed CBT. He is now undergoing CBT which is tackling his childhood and why he is compulsive. It was only this weekend that I found he had taken out care finance and a whole load of other stuff came out from it. To cut a long story short, he rang Gamstop to exclude himself and they offered to put him through to the counselor. Only then did he realise and admit to having a 15 year gambling problem. He has been referred to the 12 week counselling and should be getting the call today. Since that day, more has come out about the extent of his gambling, including borrowing money from an ex girlfriend (that I din't even know existed til now) and the amount he has spent - all while for years compulsively lying about it to cover up.
I feel terrified at the thought of marrying him and also trusting that he will change. All I know is that for the first time in his life he is admitting he has a problem and feels remorseful and is finally telling the truth. He is desperate to change. He's provided me full access to his bank accounts, search history, email, even his location.
What does everyone advise about the wedding and the house? I have heard it can take around 3 months for therapy to work.
Any advise much appreciated.
Welcome to the Forum Astarisborn,
It sounds like you’ve had quite the knock; from looking forward to your wedding and moving into a new home to feeling like your trust has been broken. This cannot have been easy for you and I can understand how this has led to you worrying about what the future holds. We are therefore pleased to see that you have signed up to the forum, as many other affected others will recognise the questions and doubts you’re experiencing.
It is positive that your partner is getting support for his gambling problem and it may provide some reassurance to you to have access to his bank accounts too. However, it’s equally important that you feel supported in this and the decisions you are looking to make.
With this in mind we would welcome you calling our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or visiting our NetLine to chat to one of our Advisers. Not only will they be able to give advice and support on how you can best support your partner but also ensure that you receive the support you need too.
Hi... and sorry to hear about the situation in which you find yourself. I have had gambling problems for many years and have been through fairly long periods where I haven't gambled but in recent years I have been struggling. I do not find it easy to stay stopped
The thing is you cannot fix him and to be honest I wouldn't even try. Its his problem for him to address. It sounds like he has made a positive start but do make sure that he has followed through with anything positive he has done to help himself. For example, you say that he has rung gamstop.... does this mean that he has registered himself and hence excluded himself from gambling online for 5 years? Its a very useful barrier to online gambling and far better than excluding himself from individual gambling sites. I would suggest that you need to see evidence that this has happened.
As for the bigger questions about the wedding and the house, these are things that only you can answer, but if you feel "terrified at the thought of marrying him" because of the lack of trust, I would suggest hitting the pause button. Only time will tell as to whether your partner is going to change and become more open and honest. Gambling addiction is serious, just as serious as any drug addiction and should be treated as such in my opinion.
Am sure that others will also offer you there thoughts. All the best moving forward.
Hi, You are certainly in an unfortunate situation trying to get a lot done in a short time. Gambling is an addiction and the personal and relationship ramifications are complex, with outcomes being unpredictable.
Marriage and family following, effects the life of children. Relapses can happen and any time.
I am now 48 and my father being a compulsive gambler lost a successful career and business and I believed.... I would never never ever ever get drawn into something like this, but here I am today having multiplied his addiction 10 times over, and he is the only gambler I know. My secret remained between myself and the world wide web.
My advice would be, time is not important and a marriage decision today or in 2 years would not matter, your partner getting it correct and similarly yourself would be more important, 3 months is not a test for recovery and am sure you two being given more time and able to focus on the depth of your problem and achieve more honest results and understanding, and that would be more important.
Accept all the support available.
Good luck , do not give up, believe in your partner and let them feel it, and am sure you will be successful.