Hello,
I am new to this site but I have recently discovered it through looking for help for my partner. So here goes the story...
From the moment I met him, I could tell his was broken in some way but so was I. The months went on and I knew something was wrong so I investigated and found the problem...gambling. I didnt confront him, I waited for the day he would confess to me. Months went on and I pictured in my head the moment he would tell me but instead he just proceeded to lie. Then the day finally came and by the slip of a tounge it was all out in the open....
Things seem to get better for a while, we put together a plan to pay back debt and the day came where I believed we was free. We moved out together and life seemed to be somewhat normal for a while, we enjoyed life and had fun and didnt really worry. But Behind his smile was dark world of lies and truth and lies and truth. The month came and as he wanted responsibility the rent and council tax came out of his bank but this very month they didnt go out. Then I found the message to another girl. We sat and we spoke and we cried and we laughed and then cried some more.
We put together another plan, we would sit together and pay the bills every payday together. It seemed to work but again it was another lie.
The confession came and the debt wasnt cleared and he infact was gambling again but this time was different. This time he opened up and spoke about the reason why he was gambling and then pain he was in and what had happened. He allowed me to ask questions freely and answered them openly. So we have made a new plan, this plan is to make him free from debt, free from the reason why he gambles and hopefully free from the addiction.
The day is coming, the day is near, we wont be free of gambling but we will be free from the addiction.
The reality is, a whirlwind, you have good days and bad days and you have truths and lies. I am 25 year old woman living with a gambler. Any advice is welcome.
Thank you
Hi unfortunately you are always an addict. Debt is a good reminder. Debt free, sets them free to gamble more and get more credit.
access to money and handing over finances shows a willingness to stop. Getting counselling or visiting GA will help.
getting blocks in place and making it difficult to gamble is a priority. Gamstop, gamban, all help.
You also need advice and support. Gamcare offer counselling, gamanon is another place for f&f.
never be complacent, you will never be free from addiction, you have to learn to accept that.
Don’t financially help a gambler, it’s their debt, their responsibility.
Hello,
Would your advice be not to pay off the debt? I just feel like he will end up running himself into more debt which will then cause more gambling?
He said that he wants me to take over his finances, he wont know the details of his card or have any access to it via online or mobile. The only money he will have will be the money I give him in his hand.
Yeah we are looking to put the blocks on today. Have you had success with those in the past?
Thank you for your reply and help 🙂
im not sure what story he has been feeding you but the debt isn't the reason he is gambling
he is gambling because he wants to gamble he is addicted to gambling not clearing his debt......that's the crux of your problem
the addiction wont suddenly vanish over night its a lifelong commitment to clear
Hi EBM the blocks are a must, not a cure but a really vital tool in fighting gambling. No access...no gambling. If you want to carry on helping him taking over his finances is again a really good tool to use. No money...no gambling. For me these 2 things have been my best tools in stopping I'm now 71 days without gambling. Once he has stopped and had time away from gambling his mind will be clearer as merry go round says counselling and GA to help him sort his head out,he will always be an addict but he can become an addict in recovery, believe me being an addict in recovery is a much better place to be. Best wishes
Maxmaher, I will be weary of what is said from now on, I am new to all of this. Thank you for being honest. I understand it's a lifelong commitment, I know it wont suddenly disappear. 🙂
Charlieboy, well done on been 71 days without gambling, I bet that feels amazing to say! The first time he would not let me take over his finances but when speaking this time he said he wants me to have the control. I have spoken to him today and he has agreed to do the self exclusion in bookmakers and online too so hopefully this could be a good start to his journey! Thank you and all the best in your journey!
Thank you EBM you sound like a lovely person and you obviously love him. Just as we are saying be wary I lied,lied,and lied some more not because I didn't love my husband but because my mind was gone. The really fabulous thing is not lying anymore I wasn't brought up like that and it was totally against my belief systems. I'm feeling stronger and more like me again!! I'm going to GA get your other half to give going there serious thought. But most important is ,take care of you!! Don't do Anything that financially impacts you and don't be afraid to access help for yourself if you need it. Best wishes and I hope he comes through for you
Thank you Charlieboy, I do and this is why i have come to look for support and ideas and just to hear of positive stories too! I will be wary of what is been said and hopefully he can turn it around just like many others have on here! Can I ask what the GA meetings are like ? He has spoken about them before but he said he found them depressing?
Hi no I don’t think you should pay his debt off. It improves credit score and makes it easier to borrow money. My cg had secret bank accounts , mail redirected etc. Credit reports will show you the reality of his finances and if he has other cards or accounts you do not know about.
GA meetings are what you choose to attend when you want to get better. There are many online zoom meetings day and night all around the world. He just needs to go to their website. Some areas have meetings back up and running, but numbers could be restricted due to Covid.
Thank you for your honesty and advice, when I said I would take over his finances, I said to him that I want access to his credit report so I can see exactly what is going on. Can I ask how you manage now? Is there any advice on how to do this please.
He is currently having gambling therapy via an online zoom call but whether this is been used to it's full extent is another thing.
Hi EBM20 and welcome.
The reality of living with a gambler is that you must protect yourself financially first and foremost.
Then you need to start learning exactly what you are dealing with here.
He needs to be ready to surrender to a born again moment and seek all the help he can get. All the money must come through you which gives his mind a chance to heal...money was no good to him anyway as he was chucking it away under the influence of an addiction.
Im sure you love him but you will need your eyes wide open. You need to tell him again that gambling is not acceptable to you and he will need reality checks in order to recover. All his wages should ideally be paid to you
With love and the right support he can make this history but you can both never be complacent again. Its an addiction longing to get back at him on a wet Tuesday afternoon.
It will take time to heal and he will have to provide receipts and live on an allowance to prove himself again. He will take real Pride in this if he is truly ready to stop.
Gambling is not an income scheme. It is actually a drug addiction. You will have to show tough love and encouragement. Its about talking it through but you have to be strict that you control all the money...remember you are dealing with a recovering addict and its not about treating him like a baby.
Its to save his life and any quality of life you both have.....that serious Im afraid but this is a positive goal in your lives.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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