The point when you have to confront a gambler

You have a choice!  Have a honest conversation with your friend... communication is key.... 

Seriously, I second what's been said above. Open, honest (but kind) communication is key.

Meet for the coffee, but state and stress very clearly that you cannot give financial assistance at this time, or ever. 

Thanks for your replies, it's hard to communicate because she's dishonest, I don't know what she's going to come up with.

When she was living here, she wasn't too bad, caused us stress with her money demands at times, but family mostly helped her out. That all ended when she left her mum owing thousands because she wasn't paying rent - Mum was guarantor.

I saw her occasionally over the next 5 years, but she always hid her face walking past me, thinking I was annoyed with her leaving the house owing money, I wasn't annoyed because I remembered her when she wasn't asking for money, but the paradox is that if she did speak to a chance it would've ended up her getting money off me.

I think she's scrapping the barrel now, she's got over 600 Facebook friends, so getting in contact with people like me she hasn't seen for years buttering them up for money, she is manipulative.

If she's gone through hundreds of people who won't give her money, suspicious of her, she must of heard it all, mostly you don't need money you need help probably, which is what I feel like saying.

I am sad to be writing this, I have 2 friends who've borrowed money from me, I said 'no more' when I realised it's for gambling, & we're still friends, they know not to ask.

Te lies are just blatant & rubbish, she knows that my money lending is coming to an end because I've started to question them.

She's not even interested in me as a person anymore. She was supposed to come around at 9:30 this morning, watch TV before 10:30 before I had to get ready for golf. She messaged me not until 10:15 when I told her I needed to be gone by 10:30,  just enough time to go to the ATM to get cash, even then it was pushing it, & she barely spoke to me.

I've never known someone like that, that can make you feel so great - hanging on your every word & more - then realise that when you what's going on they'll try getting as much cash before moving onto the next person.

Underneath I think she's a proper nice person, but I have to leave her out of my life, it is sad.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I am trying to help. Do you want to give her money?

Where she is right now you're just a wallet. This behaviour she is displaying you will find with crack pros and she is not far from going down that street with them. I don't think any conversation will turn her around until she hits rock bottom. If anything I would be there after that happens and I would make sure she knows that you will. Not now. You are not doing yourself or her any favours atm. Quite the opposite.

Best 

C

You're not being harsh. She sent me a message saying she needed money, I said no, long day going to bed soon, then sent me a message asking if I do internet banking, I said no (finding myself lying).

She did a trick on me today, saying just buy her shopping - no money (cash) - threw a whole ton of stuff into her basket after I said a limit, enough for days, & she'll be onto me within 2 days saying I need more shopping.

I've never seen this before, I don't know what it must be like for relatives. I've read on here don't even buy them food, didn't get that until today.

I think it's not knowing  extent of the problem, or when rock bottom will happen. I'm sure a lot of people will be there for her when she hots rock bottom, including her mother & her brother who I know, but I also know they won't give her a penny anymore.

She told me that they don't speak to her anymore, I know that's a lie, they do, but in her mind not speaking means not giving money, sure is strange.

I would suggest cutting contact from this person. They have managed for the last few years without your money and they will be able to manage again. Cut all ties, ignore messages etc. You do not need to justify yourself to her. These people take advantage of us being caring. When they start saying they don‘t have food etc that pulls on the heart strings a bit and they get what they want. As you said, she is manipulative. I would steer clear.

The only behaviour that you can control is your own, it is strange that this person contacts you and in your mind they are only really using you to borrow money, yet you continue the relationship. I get that you like the friendship part, but if you stop lending money and they cut ties then it is not much of a friendship really.

I know you want to help this person, but all you are really doing is enabling their addiction. Talk to them and be straight, let them know that you are there to talk or for mental support but you are not a cash machine and will longer be lending them money. 

Is anyone supporting you? Have you spoken to anyone about this? It would be good to open up.

Thanks for your replies. She's got  a bit of charm on her. I did meet her mother,  and seeing the stress on her, I won't be seeing her daughter anymore. She's out of control now anyway. She only speaks to people who she can possibly get money off or has to speak to. 

She's increased her Facebook friends by 50 in a week, I know it's just to find people to sweeten up to get money off.

She prioritises to work out who she can most money off, promises to meet people in different places at the same time, only meets the person who she thinks will give her the most, then doesn't tell the others that she's not turning up.

Her favourite tactic is to ask for small amounts of money often, then you'll offer a bit more to keep her sweet for a couple of weeks to stop asking, but that just makes her demand more.

She's going through people who don't know what she's like who I don't know and can't warn. I've never known anyone like her before. 

I’m going to be real with you here because I think you need it.

If you was speaking to others and hanging out with others I don’t think you would even entertain this behaviour. You’ve said it’s been years since you heard from her and when you do it’s for money, that’s when you should cut the contact. Do that not and move on from it because it’s only hurting you.

I suggest you get in contact with others from your past, or people from work and start doing things with those guys, forgive me if I’m wrong but I think you’re a bit lonely hence why you talk to her regardless of the fact you know she’s using you. 

My dad is like this and it breaks my heart every time I see him let down when they disappear after they’ve exhausted him. 

please for the sake of yourself cut her out and start living more for you!

You're not wrong at all, & I'm sorry about what you said about your dad, it is bad to exploit loneliness.

I do go to work but it's a fifth capacity. I knew her mum from work, but hadn't seen her for 15 months, she's working from home, when I sent a message to her she insisted coming over, & it was refreshing to see her arrive on time, unlike her daughter.

Her daughter really did cross the line in a bad way. I got a message from her saying 'I'm sorry about everything', it's only because her mum told her to apologise probably. I just replied 'It's OK'. I'm not going to write 'why did you do it?', 'you need help', because she's probably heard it before, doesn't want to hear it.

There's nothing I can do for her, she knew that I knew her mum & would say if she went to far, but she still did it.