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Posted : 7th February 2011 8:36 am
susiep
(@susiep)

Rebecca, I am really seriously struggling. My partner is a problem gambler, tens of thousands of pounds gone over the last few years. The lies and deciept and the constant stress have given me problems with anxiety/panic attacks. My partner sees no wrong in his gambling, he's dismissive of the heartache it causes me. Things have gotten worse the last few days. He blew all the money we had saved for him to go and see his terminally ill mother with! I'm disgusted with him! He got a loan for travel costs and has gambled most of that too. I've told him to leave, I mentally cannot take anymore. I am disabled and live with chronic illness, the stress of this makes my symptoms worse. Yet he still shows no remorse! Tells me that I've let gambling ruin our relationship and I shouldn't treat him like that, it's my fault he gambled cos he's unhappy cos I moan at him etc etc so much blame 🙁 I have done nothing but support him the last 3 years. We've had some extremely hard times and I have ALWAYS stood by him, tried to get him help. I get it thrown back in my face every time. He won't consider counselling, won't even admit he has a problem at the moment. I need to be strong, this is breaking me emotionally. I still love this man, but he's tearing my life apart. Please someone help me x

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Posted : 11th February 2015 2:46 am
Pangolin
(@pangolin)

Susiep. I understand the living with a gambler part, although the chronic illness is a layer that i dont have to deal with.

There is nothing you can do about him unless he wants to change and it sounds like he doesnt yet.

Lokking after yourself is the only thing you can do, can you come to a gam anon meeting or get couselling for yourself? theres nothing wrong with you, but you are having to cope with a compulsive gambler, he is ill, and it is too much to ask of anyone to do that alone, unaided.

You absolutely do not deserve to be treated this way, put through all this stress, the money may be the subject opf the arguments, but we know that its the lies and heartless attitude that are doing all the damge.

You are being very strong, but strength is not only about what you can endure, this may be a time where strength has to be about showing some "tough love" and protecting yourself.

keep talking....

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Posted : 12th February 2015 11:34 am
MrStop
(@mrstop)

Hi susiep,

I've been a CG. I know how they operate.

Heed what Pangolin says.

"There is nothing you can do about him unless he wants to change and it sounds like he doesnt yet"

"You are being very strong, but strength is not only about what you can endure, this may be a time where strength has to be about showing some "tough love" and protecting yourself".

"You absolutely do not deserve to be treated this way".

PROTECT AND LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.

Go for counselling. Contact Gam-anon.

I'm now on Day 26 of being gambling free. I definitely do not want to gamble again, ever.

Your husband can only quit if he has the same mindset.

HE HAS TO WANT IT.

Thanks for reading this.

Take Care and Best Wishes.

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Posted : 12th February 2015 11:29 pm
as67
 as67
(@as67)

Hi I need help, I dont know what to do.Im the mother of a 19 year old son who is so out of control with his gambling I just dont know what to do. Hes lied, cheated, stolen and is getting more out of control every day, and no matter how bad its got for him and us he doesnt want to get help. His girlfriend has thrown him out and Im guessing he will turn up here at home soon and Im dreading it. Like susiep Im disabled and live with chronic illness and its really making me ill, and even seeing me so poorly has little effect on him, nor how its affecting other family members. Weve tried everything we can think of and nothing has worked and I just dont know what to do any more. I know hes desperately unhappy, but at best he denies he even has a problem at worst hes abusive and down right nasty, but I love him so much. Please someone tell me what to do !

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Posted : 20th February 2015 3:37 pm
Gamblersfiancee
(@gamblersfiancee)

Hi,

My fiancГ©e and the daddy of our 3 month old daughter is a gambler and I'm beginning to worry. He lost a lot of money in the past and gave up gambling for a good while, but then started to play do little amounts here and there in online casinos that allowed him to put a daily spend limit on. He was successfully playing for petty cash for months but recently he found another site with no limits and asked me to stop him from playing because he could feel himself get back into it, but whenever I say something he is mean and we end up arguing. He had a big win but he is now gambling this money instead of just keeping it. He sits in the bath for hours at the time on his iPad and gets upset if I say anything. He earns good money and support us financially so he says it's his money and he can do what he likes. I'm worried and lost. He is a miserable person if he loses and picks on me. I want him to spend time with his baby and myself and not with his gambeling website... What can I do???

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Posted : 12th March 2015 8:17 pm
Forum admin
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Hi Gamblersfiancee

Thanks for posting and welcome to the forum. You may have read a lot of stories on the friends and family side that are similar to yours - in that sometimes the gambler does not feel ready to stop gambling when you really want them to and feel they should. It must be very hard to cope with this and a new baby at the same time. Be kind to yourself and make sure you get lots of support. A good first step would be to give us a call on our freephone line (0808 802 0133) or via our netline service

One of our advisers can give you some emotional support and talk through different options with you. Please keep posting here as well and reading.

Best wishes

Rebecca

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Posted : 13th March 2015 9:39 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

SusieP, sorry I missed your message to me above. I can see you posted since then and been given some advice. It would be good to hear from you about how things are.

Rebecca

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Posted : 13th March 2015 9:41 am
Pangolin
(@pangolin)

Sorry I have only just seen these posts, I have a bit of blindspot for this sticky at the top, probably not the only one, try starting your own thread, I didnt notice as67's until she did that either.

Rebeccas advice is good. Make the most of your time with your new baby, I know you want his to appreciate this too, but you run the risk of forgetting to enjoy this time yourself while you wait for him. Make your life as nice as possible,especially now.

Keep talking....

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Posted : 13th March 2015 9:44 am
Abbie37
(@abbie37)

I'm new to all of this so please forgive me if I drone on, and to be honest, I'm not really writing this post to ask any specific questions as such, I just feel like I need to put everything in writing as my partner isn't very sympathetic at the moment seen as he is the one with 'the problem'. So I'm 23 years old, my partner is 24. I've always known he's had an issue with gambling and has been self excluded from bookies for quite a long time, he does still gamble every now and again, the odd football bet here and there but nothing extravagant, it's pretty normal, social gambling. June last year he had a minor blow out and spent about £500 on a bet. It wasn't a big deal but he seemed distraught at the time as he felt he had a serious problem. So he promised me from then on, if he felt like he wanted to go into a bookies or place a bet, he would call me first, not so I could tell him off or talk him out of it but just so when he goes into the bookies I can monitor how long he is in there or how much he is spending, that way he is gambling in a controlled way and doesn't feel like he's missing out, also I felt at the time that if I made him promise never to gamble again, then when he does (because it is inevitable that he will) he feels like he can talk to me before the problem starts rather than having to hide it from me. We bought our first house in January and I am currently 33 weeks pregnant with his first child (a little boy). I found out this weekend just gone that he's been gambling again, but much worse than before! When we bought our house we got a £10,000 loan in order to do up the property, which is fine, that has been in my account and we have only used it for that. Then in feb he said that he thought it would be a good idea to consolidate all of his Credit Cards so got a loan of approx. £11k to cover the cost of them all as the monthly repayment on a loan was cheaper than what we were paying in interest on all of his CC's, also, we knew that we would be debt free at the end of the loan period! Pretty sensible I thought. Turns out that he now has £4-5k racked up on his Cards again. I am due to start maternity leave in May! We had planned to be able to pay for the loans and the mortgage and still survive quite comfortably while providing for a new child. Now hes gone and spent £5k on gambling! £3,500 of that was put into roulette in a single transaction! I've also found out that he has more credit cards going to his mums address!! I feel like he only told me because I suspected and so backed him into a corner and it scares me how much further it could have gone had I not found out when I did! I love him more than anything and a big part of me wants to help him but the other part of me feels sick that he could do this to me and his unborn child. It's like we don't matter. When he told me, i didn't get angry or shout I just asked questions to find out how bad it was and told him that in order for me to trust him again he needs to give me all of his accounts cards and statements for each. He has kind of obliged although I still don't have all of his CC's. But he asks me yesterday if I could 'have a look to buy him a new brake for his bike' and he wants to join a charity football team for £50! I know these are only small sums, but I've started buying cheaper food and looked into buying cheap make nappies etc for our baby in order to save money and he just wants £50 here and £100 there. It makes me so angry I just want to punch him! Like how can he be so blindly selfish! He doesn't even deserve my time at the moment let alone the fact that I'm trying to remain as normal as possible and still make him dinner and still make him lunch for work, and do all the housework, when all I really want to do is scream at him and make him do it all himself! And he has the nerve to ask for money!! I've tried to raise the subject with him and tell him how I feel but as soon as I mention the weekend, he automatically shuts off and says he doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want us getting into an argument. It's like he's oblivious to my feelings, like I should feel sorry for him because he has some sort of 'illness' I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive but he doesn't have an illness he is just weak and selfish! And I'm so angry at him! I find myself crying at every little thing and as much as I'd love to blame it on the pregnancy hormones, it isn't, he has just made me feel so distant. He was my best friend as well as my partner and I hate that I can't even talk to him at the moment or that he's too absorbed in his own self pity to ask how I'm coping or how im feeling. I just think why bother you know? Yeah he's doing councelling and trying to get better, but what about me?? What about how I feel, or rather... How he's made me feel! Don't i matter ? Doesn't our unborn son matter?? I'm supposed to support him, but who supports us??

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Posted : 25th March 2015 9:56 pm
Skhan
(@skhan)

Abbie when I read you story it's like all my current fears of my relationship with a gambler comig true. I'm sorry I cannot advise you as I have no idea what to do wirh my own situation (stay and look after him, or leave and look after myself). I really hope that things work out for you, and maybe some more experienced partners of gamblers can help shed some light Xxx

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Posted : 5th July 2015 10:49 am
maestro11
(@maestro11)

Hi I just found out that my husband is gambling.I'm trying to help him but I don't know how to talk to him about money and problems we have...

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Posted : 29th September 2015 6:24 pm
triangle
(@triangle)

maestro11 wrote: Hi I just found out that my husband is gambling.I'm trying to help him but I don't know how to talk to him about money and problems we have...

Have you called gamcare? Might be a good start

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Posted : 29th September 2015 6:52 pm
bbeynon
(@bbeynon)

I've just found out that my partner has gambled all of our joint money (for rent, food and bills etc). I love him to bits but i'm not sure how to deal with this and how do I forgive him?

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Posted : 3rd December 2015 1:24 pm
jewel2016
(@jewel2016)

Hi,

My boyfriend has recently told me that he is a gambling addict, previously been in considerable debt, kicked out of his parents home, fell out with friends when he didnt pay back money owed, he eventually went to gambling support groups, and from what he told me, was doing good.This was all before he was with me, we have been together 6-7 months, I have never had to deal with a situation like this before.He told me 2 months ago that he was a gambling addict and this was only because it was his turn to pay for our holiday payment and couldnt do it, nor pay other bills and rent to his mum and dad. He said it was a complete one off. He gambled his wages.

I told him he was silly and why did he do it? He of course became closed off to me. I said that I would help himout with money believeing it was a first and only time since his meetings.

I had no extent of the addiction if I am honest and completley naive how such an addiction can control your life, he has done it once again and told me on Saturday 28th of May, this was only after once again he gambled most of his wages, lucky for him he "won" most of it back - £100.

I removed myself from his company to get a breather and think things through, I explained that I was upset and hurt he had done it again but I understood it wouldnt be easy for him to do so, he then told me that he has only had control of his wages from the last 3 months so 2/3 he has gambled.I explained that i would be happy to have his wages go into my account and tak econtrol whilst he isnt strong enough for now, and that i would like him to go to support groups like previous times and he agreed that he would like to.

I issued an ultimatium to him, I know you shouldnt do it if you dont inted to carry through your words, I do intend to carry through with my words.Last night he lied to me, he was rushing around the bed room, after I had gone to sleep , i asked what he was doing and he said he was sorting out his things for tomorow, i had my suspicions he was looking for his bank card, no evidence, gut instinct.

It was proved right after I turnt over and saw Coral website, i said what you looking up so late, and he said that his instagram kept shutting down and was trying to reload it.I knew he wasnt and was going to keep quiet on it, but i decided to let him know he was on coral, asked him to open his internet and he was on it.

i wanted to shame him, letitng him know that i know he lied. I dont know why, but i wanted hiim to feel terirble about lying, so he doesnt want to feel like that again.He was willing to lie even after I said about our discussion from saturday.

I said to him i would rather know when he has an urge to gamble rather than a last resort sit down, "ive done a terirble thing" kind of chat.I just felt hurt that he was willing to lie, and surprised how quick the lie came out and fast he was to do so.

I just dont know how to help.

I do apologise that this is probably the longest thing you have read, i have never been in this position and feel at a lost what to do.

any advice i would greatly appreciate

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Posted : 2nd June 2016 12:57 pm
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