Hi...
Not too sure if this is the right thing to do but hey I’m at my wits end.
ive been with my partner nearly a year from the beginning he told me about gambling but mentioned it as if it was something he’d done in the past and was over it. I accepted this but told him if he gambled while he was with me it was over due to knowing how horrible addiction is. In hindsight i wish these words had never left my mouth.
Fast forward the best 5 months ever and i find he’s gambled. He begs and explains and promises he’ll never do it again, it was only a £5 bet for a friend (if only!). I forgive him and we move on. He loses his job one month later which means lifes pretty crappy. He’s struggling and so am i, he also basically lives with me at this point. However, despite all the struggle he is still loving and caring and the best thing to ever happen to me and I believe he isn’t gambling i trusted him with my whole being.
3 weeks ago we have a petty argument which ends up blowing up with me explaining that i feel he hasnt been affection lately... im sure many people can understand. I just assumed that we’d left the honey mood period and need to have this conversation to get on track but he just shut down and left to go back to his mums telling me he’d be back in 2 days. 2 days went to 5 and on the 5th i got messages saying he’d been talking to another woman. I went to confront him and the woman and believed what they said. Another 2 weeks to by and we keep arguing about the affection and how his attitude has changed towards me and he gives me no answers, so i go through his phone after persuading him to stay one night (dodgy i know) and find he’s been gambling and has received money from woman mentioned above. We argue he leaves, no begging, no explanation no promise...
We don’t talk for 2 days so i drive myself mad and log into his account and find a message from october where he is bragging to his friends that he has won £4k. He never told me. I go and confront him that night and he admits to gambling and tells me how long its been going on for. He says he wants to change but cant see it happening as he has been gambling for so long. He said he’d go to the meetings but cant say we wont be in the same position in 3 months time. He said he lied as i told him I’d be done which i understand. He wants to be with me but I deserve better and he’s not good for me but wont break up with me because he’s scared of hurting me. All he kept saying was he was s**m and hurts everyone around him and he’s a bad person.
Sorry this is a bit long winded and some people may say we have bigger issues than just the gambling but i dont know if he has pushed me away as he’s depressed and know hes been lying to me and pushed me away as the doesnt want to lie anymore. Or he just wants to gamble and be on his own.. I'm willing to support him if he's willing to try to change.
I suppose I’m just looking for any advice or comfort it other people’s stories.
Thanks for reading
Hi Mpcb,
Sorry to hear you're going through this situation.
You mustn't blame yourself. Talking for myself as a Compulsive gambler, I would have used any excuse to avoid coming clean except when there's nowhere left to go. You say you wished you'd never given him an ultimatum at the beginning but he used that as an excuse. Don't blame yourself.
I would ask you though to look at what you've written from an outside point of view. You've been together a year, happy for five months. He has lied to you, borrowed money from a woman who you've gone and confronted. You've gone through his phone to find out other lies. Does all this sound like a healthy relationship?
You might think that you can change him but unless he wants to get help himself I'm afraid that a gambling addiction will take precedence over everything, you included.
Whatever advice you would give to someone else is probably worth thinking about.
All the best,
Chris.
Hi,
Thanks for the reply.
He left me yesterday said he cares about me too much and needs to be alone and doesn't want to drag me through this. I’ve tried speaking to him but hes adamant.
Does this sound like an excuse of someone who doesn't want help or an honest reason?
thanks
It could be either really.
He may be staying away for your benefit or he may be using it as a reason to carry on with whatever he is doing.
Unfortunately both ways involve leaving you.
In Gamblers Anonymous we have a serenity prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
My ex-wife uses this most days and has helped her massively when life became tough for her because of my gambling. She couldn't change me but she could change her own situation. She's remarried now and I hope happily.
I hope that helps a little.
Chris.
Himpcb and welcome to the forum.
You are in the right place and its proper thinking to try and build a support network of advice, family and friends.
Now we are not relationship counsellors but we do know that you deserve better than living with a gambling addiction partner.
You have to decide what was manipulation and whether you have feelings for each other worth trying to save.
A gambling addiction is a drug addiction. It acts like any harmful substance and unfortunately its more powerful than most relationships.
Now you couldnt stop him leaving as we couldnt. You now have to take a deep breath and protect yourself financially
Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with one so this should give you time to focus your thoughts. Its not your fault and you should feel no guilt. If he really loves you he can shape himself up and that involves getting help and being ready to stop gambling.
You can not let this be a blind love. a gambler will give you no security. Your life will be riding on red or black and thats no way to live.
He needs reality checks...it is you or the gambling...are you clear on the tough love he needs...look after yourself.
Stories of back at his mums and other women dont look good. Maybe he just wants to split up...maybe he doesnt but dont let him manipulate you.
A compulsive gambler is ill so he is not thinking clearly
However this is as much about your heath and that is your priority
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thank you both for replying.
I appreciate the honesty and will take this all into consideration. I’m just struggling because I’m waiting for the light bulb moment to happen but we you said it may never.
Going forward just one day at a time.
all the best
Do you still feel like this is the worst thing possible?? You’ve tried so hard to help and in the end they walk out on you because they have too much of their own s**t and they love you too much, for you to go through it with them. This is exactly me, I’ve stuck by him for over 2 years the last 6 months the worst, mood swings, no affection, lies and lies. Then in the end he leaves? It’s the worst feeling ever and I’m trying to get over it myself, I’ve committed everything to helping him and he cannot do it with me anymore. It’s the worst feeling
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