Stay or go?

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(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Hi all I'm totally new to anything like this and tbh I don't even know we're to begin.

I have been with my partner for 4 years now and didn't know he had a gambling addiction until we moved in together and it all came out, ever since then for about 3 years now it feels like groundhog day! He changed his details in work so his pay goes to my account but even still manages to gamble some how...he seems to want to make the changes but never is able to follow them through it lasts for so long then it's back to square one...we have been to hell and back trying to get by with him spending rent money, any money we had for bills etc and his mum & my mum have bailed us out more than enough times! And Every time I say if it happens again il leave but each time I just try muddle through hoping itl.be the last time..

Before I met him i didn't have a lot of debt but now my credit is totally destroyed due to me getting out credit cards trying to support us when he has spent our money and then not being able to afford to pay them back on time so I know I've destroyed any chance I have of getting credit etc for the near future but all that was ok cause I thought he was getting better. He would do the odd online bet of £5 and even then I was mad because I thought it was a slippy slope but he brushed it off as if it was nothing and he is so so good at lying and getting his way out of tough situations!

Anyway today he's came home from work and broke down saying he's been at the doctor and been signed of work for the next 4 week's, he appears to have hit rock bottom and has promised to give up his phone with internet access and attend meetings and that this time it has to change for good...but at the same time he hasn't been paying bills again! I trusted him to send out rent money as I was having trouble with my online account and found out he has gambled all.of the money I sent him over 650 to be exact in a matter of days! So I just feel we are back at the start again and making no process, I've sacrificed a lot to help him out but I just don't want to be caught in this cycle for the rest of my life constantly worrying if he can be trusted with money and waiting for the next time he messes up...so do I just leave now and that be that or do I try once more? He seems really down this time and he has never had to take time of work because of it so maybe this is the turning point? I don't know:(

 
Posted : 1st May 2019 9:10 pm
Walliss77
(@walliss77)
Posts: 180
 

Hi,

It so hard to know what's for the best and no one has a crystal ball to see into the future. 

I gambled for 23yrs with it progressively get more severe. I promised my wife change time and time again and although I meant it in the moment after it had all gone wrong the next relapse was never far away. My wife bailed me out over the 23yrs with several hundred thousand and things only changed when I was sick and fed up of being sick. I tried meetings and blocks but they never worked for me long-term as I was someone who suffered with Low self worth, anxiety, fear, rejection, insecurities, anger, frustration, resentments and massive amounts of boredom (discontentment). I finally seeked out counselling and worked tirelessly on the relationship with myself and learnt coping strategies on how to deal with life on life's terms so that I am emotionally stable. I've not only been free from addiction for a good number of years but I no longer have to be escaping myself with keeping busy all the time or getting some buzz from something else. The journey has not been easy but my wife and myself have the best life ever.

 

All the best. X 

 
Posted : 2nd May 2019 8:48 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1491
 

Hi emmc88. The most important thing now is what are you going to do. Not him, you. No more bailouts, no more excuses. Call stepchange and talk to someone about your debt. You definitely don't need to pay interest on cc debts. They will help you. Find a gamanon meeting. Call gamcare get some counselling. Giving a gambler money is fatal. Don't imagine that this is it, it will never happen again. Protect yourself and your finances. Set some rules, he needs GA, every week. He needs to download blocking software. He needs to sort his own debts, via stepchange. Don't do it for him. He can sign up to gamstop for 5 years and show you the email. He's an addict and this is tough to beat.  

 
Posted : 2nd May 2019 8:59 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Thanks for getting back to me Its such a tricky one...tho I'm totally kicking myself for sending him the rent money because I locked myself out of my online banking and I thought he could be trusted, I should of knew better than to send that amount of money so I'm blaming myself for it 

 
Posted : 2nd May 2019 9:51 am
Walliss77
(@walliss77)
Posts: 180
 

Hi, 

Try not to blame yourself as it will just lead to you feeling sad and unhappy. At least you now know that at this moment in the current situation that he can't be trusted with money. It's so important that you protect yourself from the consequences of his actions if he chooses to continue this slippery slope. 

Please make sure that you have got emotional support whilst trying to resolve this unfortunate situation because you are important in all of this! 

 

Kind regards. X

 
Posted : 2nd May 2019 2:32 pm
ricks
(@ricks)
Posts: 97
 

Em this is all new to you and none of it is your fault and you make make some mistakes along the road if you decide to stay in your relationship.

I would make sure he has no access to money and he and you both register on gamstop just for starters. Then there is zero access to money, be in total control of his money,  ( you can use Monzo which is a bank that you can block gambling transactions and restrict cash taken out of the account and you can also set it up to see all transactions on it. My salary is paid in to my wifes account and if i need money then she puts it in my Monzo account ). Also Internet access is something to think about but most of all what will he do to address his behaviour.

 

 
Posted : 3rd May 2019 8:27 am

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