Same old story.

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(@mom2boys)
Posts: 5
Topic starter
 

Do you ever sit there and think to yourself and think where did it all go wrong?

I have been posting on and off for the past 2 years now. My husband has a gambling addiction and although on my previous posts I've said each time we've split up, we always get back together. He gambles, I leave him, he spins me what I want to hear and we get back together. He's done it again. Except this time he gambled the kids money. He's done it more times before that (since my last post last year), gambled money I saved to buy keepsake jewellery for my kids, gambled money that I have him to fix his car, but this time he's gone too far and took the kids savings. 

I moved out to my mum's for a week which is the worst I've ever done. Told him we're over. Then came back to.talk things through. On Saturday just gone I gave him 7 days to refer himself for counciling and to put a block on the gambling sites. Or he's out. He has 3 days left to do it and he hasn't done it yet. I know he won't and hes just blagging me, telling me what I want to hear. 

But I'm so fed up of it. It's caused me to be depressed. I'm having my own health problems at the minute. I have alopecia which gets worse with stress, I have liver problems due to putting on some much weight with stress and it still doesn't stop him from doing it.

There's no point to this post I just needed to vent and I've realised that I've been a pushover for the last 8 years. I'm fed up of crying, fed up of being the only responsible one. I'm just so tired of it all. So tired in general ?

 
Posted : 11th March 2021 4:01 pm
(@jess27)
Posts: 129
 

Hi Mom2boys,

So sorry that you are going through such a hard time. It sounds very difficult. 

It's important for you to take care of yourself and your finances. Try to protect yourself and your children's future as much as you can. 

Would it help you to talk things through with the advisers on here? They may be able to give some practical advice about securing your finances as well as offering some emotional support. 

You're not alone. There are lots of people who use the forum who have been, or are in similar situations. You will get lots of support on here. 

Take care.

J x

 
Posted : 11th March 2021 5:37 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)
Posts: 4883
 

Hi and sorry to hear about the situation in which you find yourself. I can't imagine what it must feel like. Try not to beat yourself up, cos none of this is your fault. It must be very hard to walk away from a marriage.

It does sound as if your husband doesn't want to stop gambling, he just wants to stop losing. As a problem gambler myself, people trying to impose boundaries upon me would never work. I would always find a way to gamble. Personally in your shoes I wouldn't even bother trying. Focus upon self protection for you and the kids.

Like you say, he may agree to do "something" just to placate you or he may not, but either way only he really knows whether he has stopped or not. Expect more of the same.

Am sure when the time is right, you will find the courage to make changes that's best for you and your own physical and mental health

All the best

 
Posted : 12th March 2021 7:31 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5944
Admin
 

Dear @mom2boys,

I am so sorry to read your post. It sounds like you have been battling with this for a long time and you sounds like you feel worn out and defeated.

I want to say Mom2boys that you matter. How you feel physically and mentally matters. Your children need you and you need you. So I would really strongly recommend you start making decisions from the perspective of what is good for you and the kids, not what would 'make him' change. As S.A. said above, if he doesn't want to stop, no one can make him stop. And sadly, if you don't make a lasting change you will continue to find yourself in the same situation or worse. 

Please call us to speak to an adviser, please come to the Family and Friends Chat on Monday 11:30 or please go to GamAnon zoom. It's important that you talk through your options and get some support with your decision making. You are not alone.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

 
Posted : 12th March 2021 8:30 am
(@pbuxton1982)
Posts: 63
 

Hi

I am really sorry to read your post on how all this is affecting you mentally and physically, only you can make a decision on this, i am a gambling addict and have managed to stop for the time being and i hope forever, i have done some really stupid things in the past,  spending the holiday money, luckily i worked my a*s off to repay it, so we're all capable of it. I think though spending the kids money is one of the lowest things you can do and the fact it is making you poorly, you really need to think of you and your kids and after getting professional advice move on you will be better off in the future.

 
Posted : 12th March 2021 10:22 am
(@friendly_helper)
Posts: 35
 

Its sad. The gambling companies have got him like a dog and he is not willing to change. Hes stooped so low to take your children's savings. You seem to have given him plenty of chances. Does your husband contribute to the relationship or just takes money? You need to seriously consider your future and protect yourself and your children.

 
Posted : 12th March 2021 11:33 am
Joe-90
(@joe-90)
Posts: 349
 

Well done on coming on to tell your story, you certainly need support for yourself dealing with all this. As you are well aware living with an addict is incredibly stressful. My advice would be to seek help and support. GamAnon have virtual meetings you can attend where you will meet people on the same journey as yourself.  

You did the right thing by moving out but moving back only tells him you are not serious about it. He tells you what you want to hear then you go back and things return to some kind of normal for a period of time before he goes off on a gambling spree again. 

I know you want him to get better and basically hope it will change but that is all down to him, you can beg and plead but unless he is willing to change then you are just going around in circles. If you are staying with him then you simply cannot trust him. My partner has full access to my emails, bank account, credit account ( to see any debt in my name) etc. We have a joint account my wages go into that she has access to and she can see on her phone app any transaction made.

I never use cash so she can see all transactions listed out. I am also registered with GamStop which prevents me logging in or signing up with any Gambling sites. She sat with me when i did this then tested it to make sure it was in place, because she rightly did not trust me. This may seem a lot but it is defiantly necessary in my opinion.

With these things in place at least if I did relapse then these measures will protect the family as it helps limit the damage I could cause. 

I hope you seek help and support for yourself.

 
Posted : 15th March 2021 11:17 am
(@pep1952)
Posts: 163
 

Hi there

Really sorry to hear about this but well done for posting on here. I find the forum really helpful with lots of useful comments from other members. I am also a partner of a compulsive gambler. With a lot of commitment and dedication, my CG is now more than a year gamble free.

As mentioned by others above, your cycle keeps on happening because it seems that there is no lasting change. Addicts may relapse and for me they should not be judged if they do. However, if they relapsed it means that something slipped through the net so therefore strategies in place should be reviewed to make it more difficult to gamble again in the future.

What strategies have you both put in place in the past? Why did they not work?

You mentioned he tells you things you want to hear and that seems to win you back over and over again. I’m afraid we simply cannot trust a gambler when it comes to anything related to finances/gambling without an evidence or verification. If he said he registered to gamstop, you need to see the confirmation email. If he says he does not have any loans, you need to see his credit report. If he says he’s not gambling anymore, you need to have free access to his banking app (i highly recommend Monzo). We simply cannot take their word for it. 
Also and most importantly he needs to lead on his recovery. You cannot force him, he’ll just find a way. You can only support him. 
Now if he’s not ready to quit, then i would highly suggest reflecting on this relationship. As others mentioned above, if you decide to stay you need to protect yourself. He will gamble until he is at his rock bottom and you need to ensure he doesn’t bring you down with him.

 
Posted : 15th March 2021 11:20 pm

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