Sorry for the long post but I have never told anyone about this.
I met my boyfriend last December, it was like love at first sight, very full on and he was crazy about me. He kind of just moved into my house share, we left that house share and have recently got out own place. The last couple of months have been awful.
He surprised me with a trip to paris for my bday in July, a trip I ended up paying for as he gambled the money he was saving for it. He also gambled all of my money so when we went we couldn't even do anything, my dad had to send me money.
He promised he would stop, I have heard this for months. We moved into our own place on October 8th, my dad and brother gave me €1000 each to cover the deposit, surprise surprise, boyfriend gambled it all away, told me the day we moved in. I threw up and was hysterical, he got mad and smashed the place up.
I managed to get the money together. But I am financially and emotionally destroyed. Did I mention I am only 29? He has completely wiped all of my savings and any money I had built up over the years, he also hasn't worked a day since we have been together.
Me begging him to work results in a fight and him going crazy at me. He just plays xbox all day, my xbox, my tv, my apartment, however his name is on the lease.
He has completely destroyed my credit, tried to take loans out in my name, signed me up for expensive internet, tv, sports packages I can't afford. He is so over the top affectionate to me, no man has ever made me feel as beautiful as he has, he coped with and helped me when I went through a particularly jealous phase.
I love him so much but I also hate him, I am constantly thinking about how much better I would be without him, how I wish I never met him....yet I love him. I am in debt up to my eyeballs, trying to get a second job but can't and he won't even get one to help me.
Though if I leave him, I will feel so guilty as he has screwed over everyone in his life and family so they won't really help him. I will have to be the one who leaves as he refuses, even though it's essentially my apartment. He will last a month and will lose the place and become homeless and I fear the guilt will kill me.
I don't doubt that he loves me, he tells me about 100 times a day, the stuff that comes out of his mouth are like words pulled from a romance novel, then he tells me he will die without me....
Sorry for the rambling, I am exhausted, even too exhausted to tell the whole story. I want to leave but I love him but I hate him.....Any advice would be so appreciated.
I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. From the content of your post it sounds like he says that he loves you however you also mention that his behaviour can be very different and doesn’t sound like the behaviour you would show towards someone you love. You might want to ask yourself if it feels like he might be emotionally and financially abusive. I have given links below that you might be interested in looking at for some support. I have also sent this information in an email to you. Because you have mentioned Euros I have provided international links. The links provide information for support organisations around the world. It sounds like both of you might benefit from some support. If you would like to let us know the country that you are in we can provide some more specific organisations that could help.
Hi and welcome.
Love is a very powerful emotion but it can sometimes be blind.... blinded by what we think we have...blinded by manipulation...blinded by our own misconceptions hang ups and fears.
You have a love hate relationship....Ive had those and only with hindsight did I realise I would have preferred a love love relationship with my soul mate.
Now its not your fault but you need some deep breaths because you need to start again looking at this for what it is. Im not a relationship counsellor but Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with one. heed those words because i feel you need to toughen up...she could be the most beautiful s**y woman alive but if she had a gambling problem and messed me around with money it would be over.
If you have no security or trust you have no real relationship. I see the classic words of you doing all the work, all the worry and being manipulated.
He sounds like a full on addict of the most dangerous addiction I know. Thats what you need to focus on. Its HIGHLY DANGEROUS! its no silly addiction ....he has no control over his own mind when it comes to money.
You are doing two jobs and he is not working. loans in your name ..forgive me but he seems lazy and a classic stereotypical Jeremy kyle romace...Am I wrong?...just making you think how its looking on paper.
A gambler will manipulate your insecurities. Constantly telling you he will die without you sounds like a smothering king of love. Ive had that and she ended up cutting holes in all my clothes because she heard another woman in the background on the phone ( I was innocently at work or something) Oh how I loved her but now I realise she was destroying me and it makes me shiver to think I was ever with her...thats how blind love can be
You need support and you need to aim for a serenity to think this through. Your words are worrying. A gambling addiction ruins people and you will be along for the hell ride unless you start opening your eyes. so he has cheesed everyone else off has he...that usually for a good reason that your love deludes you about..I wont soft soap you because i want a reaction. I want the fire in you to protect yourself from gamblers or tell me Im wrong
You do sound exhausted. It sound like a cats fighting dogs relationship. There may be good sides to it but overall are you really sure?
The gambling must stop but only he can show he is truly ready. You need to start again by telling him that gambling is not acceptable to you. I can see he isnt going to like that. Are you safe from physical harm?
You need support, support and more support from family friends. You need to ring gamcare and gamblers anon. A gambling addiction is a drug addiction!
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi sambri 90. This is terrible for you. But this is also a wake up call. An addict doesn't function properly, isn't rational and is constantly living in their bubble. He is looking for a fix 24/7 be that gambling, Xbox, s*x etc. He moved in because he had nothing else. It's free, you even pay for him to gamble. He has no reason to stop. He gets angry because you are going to take that away. You are stopping him from playing.
You aren't his mother, bank or counsellor. Why are you willing to accept this? You need to look after yourself and your finances. Get some help and support. Secrets and lies feed the addiction. This is not a normal healthy relationship.