Hi. I need to be as honest as possible here as I really need some help and support.
Many years ago, I got with a man I absolutely loved with all my heart. I was a lot younger at the time and was with him for approximately 2 years. The problems started at 6 months when I found out about his gambling issue which had been ongoing a good while. I was besotted by him and stuck around and helped him with debt management, emotional support and everything in between. He was my world. He became very close to my family who also adore him too. The last time we were together and he relapsed I walked. I couldn't take it any longer and go through the hell anymore. I felt like I was on a wheel that I couldn't get off and it was affecting my mental health. However years later and having had a few other relationships, nothing felt the same as the love I had felt with him. In the meantime of me just doing my thing without him.. he swore he was seeking help, apparently went to gambling rehab etc..
Roll on approximately 5 years and we got back together about a year and a half ago and I have to say there is significant changes to his behaviour (no mood swings, has got himself debt free in the last year) and it feels like it's been over a year of stability. I went back as I felt independent enough (different situation to last time) and felt like he may have made a change. We have had our ups and downs in this spell (me more than anything with my thoughts and feelings). He has been my rock throughout and gets really upset if he thinks I suspect something. I asked to see his credit score and his bank statement since February 2021 and there has been nothing to note.. his behaviours are different and he seems very 'settled' but it's me pressing a panic button. I know I have anxieties from the past experience with him.
Now my real predicament lie that I have accidentally fallen pregnant and I am not sure whether I can keep it. I keep hearing horror stories and just keep feeling that I'm not entirely sure I can place my trust in him 110%. I worry as he would be an amazing dad and is generally an asset to me. I am angry and upset that I feel I wanted longer before taking this huge step. I don't feel confident nor happy to have to make this decision either way. I am 7 and a half weeks and I am completely at a loss. I really need some help removed link
I also need to add that he doesn't seem to get 'ongoing' support with gambling abstinence which worries me.. he says he doesn't feel those urges but if he did he would get support. His big issue was roulette and he says he hates it because of what it made him lose before?? But it's hard when sometimes it's just words. He has saved a really good amount of money and also seems very dedicated. He feels confident but I don't. I also have my own property and a half decent career.
Can anyone help shine any perspective
Hi Julik1234901kli .
Thanks and well done for posting and opening up about all of this. It sounds like a really tricky situation for you.
It's really difficult as an affected other to find out about a gambling issue and the trust issue and honesty is such a difficult thing to come to terms with. It's very admirable that you tried to support him through this but ultimately whatever you say or do he is the only person who can make the changes needed and stay in gambling recovery as you know and the emotional mental drain of trying to support and stand by a compulsive gambler is exhausting.
You will know whether you can trust him or not and whether he is gambling or not by how he acts and your own intuition and hopefully he is able to stay in recovery and the trust will grow back.
If you could encourage him to call us then we can look into some help and support and make a referral for him to have some 1-1 treatment with one of our partner agencies.
I'm sure others on this forum can offer support, advice and perspective . You are never alone and there's a lot of support here .
Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.
All the best
Kirk
Forum Admin
Hello, I can only give my perspective as a recovering compulsive gambler in regards to your situation.
I have met gamblers in recovery with families and my own personal opinion is that when in recovery they do it for themselves and then there partner and kids and have a stronger bond to push forward away from gambling due to this and better their lives. Also I have to be honest also that it really helps to just open up about the subject with you’re partner. I broke down in tears after I had 7 months away from gambling and told my partner literally days after my gamble what I had done. A part of me wanted her to leave me as I wouldn’t want to put her in the situation you are currently in but you know what that’s life and talking to her regularly about my thoughts and feeling on gambling has really helped me recover and make amends to my problem.
I am personally slightly fearful of having children whilst having this addiction for life, but I know I will have too some day and make a better life for me and my girlfriend with a future worth fighting for.
I guess this is just me opening up from my perspective which might give you a indication of your partners potential thoughts on this. I can’t really give advice but my own experiences and thoughts.
I hope this helps and I would advise following the forum admins advice.
kind regards
dave101
Just to add my thoughts to this - I am a compulsive gambler and have been for around 18 years, through recovery i have been free from gambling for about 6 years (but i have had minor slips along the way, nothing to major)
I will say that we have a 7 week old baby at home. When we discovered my Mrs was pregnant, we had a really good chat about the potential issues of bringing up a child with me as a compulisve gambler and making sure that we put things in place to ensure that my son would not fall into the same traps that i did.
One thing i will say - as soon as I found out that she was pregnant, and seeing our son being born has completley changed my gambling habits. I now have no desire to gamble at all (which is weird for me as I have always had impulses) but now my focus is on bringing my son up correctly and saving a decent nest egg so I can help him out in the future. When i was growing up, money was difficult for my family so even small school trips/clothes etc. were difficult to come by. Now that I am in a really decent position finacially (and mentally) my goal is to be able to really support my child financially when they are older.
The point i am trying to make is that i understand why you are concerned, but your partner may find that their focus changes away from gambling and he throws himself into being a really good father. The key is communication - let him know how your feeling and what you expect of him as a dad before you make any decisions.
Hey there, I definitely feel like I can relate. I have two children with a compulsive gambler and one is a newborn. My predicament may be a little different because in the last week I have decided to walk away until I see a significance in change because he relapsed again.. Children are such a beautiful blessing and I know you may be scared because when I was pregnant with my first I most definitely was.. It all depends on you at the end of the day. It seems like your partner is doing really well right now and I would definitely encourage going to meetings even if you go with him. Although he may not have urges now, it may come up later so its always good to stay ahead of the game. I may even recommend therapy perhaps for the both of you if thats something you would be comfortable with. Only because when it comes to trust issues it will be very hard for you to move forward with that holding you back. Or even just keep talking to him about it more. Also, if you have supportive family that makes it all the times better because me having two kids if I didnt have his family and mine supporting me I dont know where I would be..
All in all, set some boundaries and be very clear about what you want from him. Ultimately, it will be your decision at the end of the day so I just recommend that you two sit down and really cover all the details on how you want to make it work.
Best of luck to you!
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