We have been together for several years and love each other dearly. We are also soon to be married. A year and a half ago, my spouse was inconsistent with helping me financially towards our living costs and this is when he disclosed that he had a gambling addition. At the time I was shocked and also naive to the detrimental consequences that gambling can have. I wrongly read his bank statement which indicated that he had spent 3000 in the space of three months. This was a snapshot of the extent of the problem. As a result my spouse blocked the online sites and spoke openly as to how well he was doing. Time past and we continued with everyday life. Recently my spouse has been inconsistent again with helping me financially. I asked if I could see his bank statement so that this would show that he is being transparent with me and he point blank refuses to do so. My spouse indicated that he was prepared to give me his bank card and have control but I do not feel that this is enough. I have remained calm and supportive throughout and made suggestions found on the forum such as gamstop and blocking transactions with the bank. I also proposed one to one support. My spouse gets highly defensive tells me that I am pushing him away. My spouse said that he was willing to use gamstop but was not willing to block transactions via the bank. I feel frustrated as I know that it is me that is coming up with all the ideas and appreciate that if he is not ready there is little I can do. I also gave him an ultimation to show me his account or to give me no other choice but to be single. This had no affect. I do not feel that he is being honest and that is what hurts the most. How can we be husband and wife with no foundation of trust. The viewers are the only ones I can confide in as I cannot disclosure this to family or friends. This is isloting and emotionally, psychologically draining. I have accepted a referral for counselling. Why am I the one seeking support when this is his problem. I am really questioning our future. I work and always live within my means and therefore what he is doing goes against my values. If he was being honest why won't he just show me his account?
I am very sorry to read your story. I have great sympathy for what you are going through. I have been an addict for most of my adult life. 31 years to be exact. How I can help you here is, to be honest too you. Your man has got another girlfriend in his life and that is his gambling addiction. He will almost certainly be loyal to that passion before you. Your influence on him is therefore not guaranteed. That means that your control on this man is not guaranteed and he's financial obligations to you are limited to what he manages to keep after his gambling is done for the day. It is that simple. He is not going, to be honest. He will only show you an account if he thinks that you can handle it or if his winnings are good enough to show you. In short, you are in for a roller coaster ride. Not many non-gamblers can handle that ride. I normally say this. Live your lives apart but together. Keep ahold of your own finances. Let him meet his payments to you or let him move out. There are no magic bullets here. No things that will solve your issue overnight. Recovering gamblers can use a lifetime in recovery. Normally any change means hitting rock bottom. And if he can he will take you down in that fall because there is no honesty in someone who just needs to get a fix. That goes for many addictions.
Feel free to look up family members to gamblers on this site. The admins are great and can give you some more advice. If you should have any questions please feel free to post them here. There are many who will be pleased to respond.
Good luck!
Thank you for taking both the time to read my entry and reply. After asking my spouse to leave yesterday my spouse showed me his account 1,467 overdrawn. My spouse indicated that he was willing to do whatever it takes not to lose me. We had a heart to heart and explained that he needed to do this for him first and foremost. My spouse has agreed for us to block the sites and do what's necessary to address this and start the road to recovery. I am naive to question if he is just saying what he thinks that I want to hear but I am willing to give him a chance. I have my first counselling session today which I am immensely grateful for. I pray that we can get through this as a team
If you didn't give love a chance it would not be love 🙂
Best of luck to both of you!
Thank you
Hi Meg... I am a compulsive gambler
... remember that at the end of the day, actions do speak louder than words. Has your partner actually signed up to Gamstop? (without you badgering him to do it) In my opinion excluding from individual gambling websites is good but there is ALWAYS another gambling website. And has your partner actually blocked gambling transactions with his bank? Are these things a done deal. These are the sorts of things that his addiction will fight against. If everything is being led by you, it doesn't bode well...
Sorry to be a pessimist, but the reality is that most addicted gamblers don't just stop, they just tend to get more secretive and devious. Be realistic moving forward and decide for yourself in your counselling what you are prepared to live with and what you are not... and of course protect yourself from the consequences of his gambling.
All the best
Hello Meg,
Thank you for your post. I can’t imagine how emotionally painful this must be for you to be on the receiving end of this addictive behaviour from your partner.
You can’t have a fulfilling and meaningful marriage without trust, I agree. Absolutely not. You may have to make some difficult and painful decisions going forward but have faith that you will be doing the right thing for your own sanity, mental well-being and ultimately - for your own happiness. Living with an addict is awful and hellish if they don’t want to change.
None of us know your husband so can only respond on the experiences you write and share. Like others, it sounds to me too that this secretive behaviour exists for a reason, and that reason could well be more gambling.
At this stage my advice would be for you to join a support group for yourself as you have no control over another person and choices they make for themselves... especially an addict.
Gamblers Anonymous have a sister fellowship called GamAnon which I would suggest you look into to see if there is help available in your area.
Perhaps the hardest part will be to remember that nobody can ever rescue another, yet we often find it so hard not to want to try. This is especially difficult if we really love that person.
In essence, this is all about you. How much can you take? How much do you value yourself? When will enough be enough? Do you deserve better? etc. Difficult journey ahead but please put yourself first in all cases.
My best, Simon.
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