Please help

Hi.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Please call the helpline here who can give you more advice. I am a recovering gambling addict so I am not the one who should advise you and there are others here who can give you advice who has had similar experiences. If I can give any advice is that you should look after yourself and get your own income. I can not imagine anything worse than being dependant on someone who has this type of addiction as the situation can be so fluid so you should depend on the only person who can help you wich is yourself.

Good luck.

Hi Kebir,

Thank you for your post and your openness in expressing how you are feeling. We would like you to know that you are not alone in this and that we here to support you through the difficulties you face.

It sounds like you have been through a very difficult time over the past 10 years. One of the signs of someone who is still in denial about having a gambling problem is to look to blame others for their behaviour, it sounds like this is something you husband has been doing to you. Many users on our forum will report how a gambling addiction affects their loved ones too and this is why the support we offer is for affected others as well as those with a gambling problem.

Yes, it is possible for you to have back the man you married, but he will need to get to a point where he recognises he has a problem with gambling and is ready to address it. At this moment in time it appears he hasn't quite reached that point yet, but that doesn't mean he won't reach that point. In the meantime the well-being of you and your children is important, so you are not left to suffer the consequences of his addiction.

We would really welcome you calling our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or visiting our NetLine where one of our Advisers would offer you a greater level of support. 

Kind regards

ChrisK

Forum Admin

Kebir...Welcome!....you are not alone.

You will get all the advice and information you need here. You thoughts are rational and I don't know how you put up with it.

You need support and you may need counselling. 

Ive been a gambler and i wouldnt live with one. It looks as if you are being bullied and manipulated.

Your partner need reality checks.....you need to build the strength and support network not to be a shrinking violet...you deserve better as does every partner of a gambler/problem gambler.

If you are physically safe to do so...tell him that gambling is not acceptable to you. Its not your fault...its an illness and he sounds heavily addicted.

It will ruin both of you so you need to protect yourself financially and emotionally. Living with a gambler is like putting a sign on your door saying come in and take what you want...you may as well leave the keys in the car door for gambling gives you no security over your home and possessions. If you have no security or peace of mind you have no relationship......do you understand?

You need help and there is no shame in seeking that help. If he is not ready to seek help you have to be prepared for the worst...is there a family member you can talk to?

Many partners leave and you cant take that option off the table.....its time to toughen up I'm afraid. he is ill and doesn't need soft soaping....Its very tough love or the door out I'm afraid.

Get some more advice help and then its your decision...don't let him take you on the hell ride because a gambling addiction will take you along to the depths of hell.....make NO mistake about that.

There is a much better life...we are not relationship counsellors but we do know how extremely dangerous a gambling addiction is. I dont think you yet know the danger you are facing

To be honest you have given him 10 years too long with this problem....One of the real questions is why you have done that?

You will find those answers here and elsewhere.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

How horrible. As a recovering addict, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do not see myself in any of those actions. I was a very different kind of gambler. I kept it all inside, overcompensated with time and attention to all my loved ones. The more I was hurting, the more I smiled and took the kids to the park etc...I was trying to avoid suspicion and never let anyone see what I was going through. This allowed me to do a heck of a lot of damage to our finances though, so the good thing is, your husband's addiction is out in the open, whether HE sees it that way or not. That is one thing you have in your favour. 

Your husband is deflecting on you. He is using you to hide his own insecurities and downfalls. His anger and behaviour is a sure sign that he knows full well that he has problems. He is just at the stage where he is refusing to believe it and would rather play the blame game and bat everything back at you.

We all handle this differently. Clearly your husband is not at the stage where he is ready to accept this as a problem. Therefore, he cannot change. He needs to break, to show emotion, fear, hurt....he needs to be honest with you and let you in. This is what I did and it saved me. It freed me up to heal and to make our family strong again. It's not just the money, it's the lies....he is breaking your trust and breaking those important bonds that tie you together. This has nothing to do with who owns the money. If you worked, and had your own income, you are still entitled to have this conversation with him because you care about him and your relationship. He is just being petty and looking to put you down which I think is dreadful and in all my hurt and pain, I would NEVER have treated my partner this way. Everyday, I hurt because of what I was doing to us and your husband needs to feel that too in order for this to get better.

Does your husband not realise that you DO work? You work everyday to keep your family going and free him up to go to work as a taxi driver. Were it not for you, he would have to sort childcare or stay home with the kids. Perhaps you should bring this to his attention. He clearly does not appreciate you and all you do for him. I think he is exploiting and manipulating you. He is making you feel dependent on him and making you feel that you don't earn anything, therefore the money you do get is his to do with whatever he wants. What an absolute load of tosh. He is a husband and a parent and as such he needs to act like one. He is doing neither right now and it seems that he has been using you long enough.

It is time to set some boundaries and let him know that you are not sat at home watching the clock until he comes home. You are a homemaker and he is doing the exact opposite of that. His gambling will always come before you, before the kids....until he recognises that he has a problem and starts doing something about it.

He is creating all sorts of emotional and financial problems and when it all hits the fan, he then will want you to help him sort out all his debts and give him a shoulder to cry on.

He does not recognise he has a problem because you have enabled him to carry on with this for too long. He feels he has the upper hand here and that you will always be there for him, waiting for him to come home.

I think you need to be firm with him and let him know that you will not tolerate this anymore. It has to stop. He is creating problems for all of you, not just himself. It may not be technically your money he is spending, but it is your security and he is undermining that by behaving so recklessly. He is supposed to take pride in providing for his family, instead, he runs around and pours it into a machine, then comes home and starts belittling you if you question him?? 

Put some boundaries in place and throw him an ultimatum. He needs to know you are serious about wanting change. Let him know that it is the gambling that you hate, not him. That you want back the person that you married. Let him know that he has changed and that he is hard to talk to. Make him see that he is putting this over you and over your family. If you don't, he will never see reason to change until he runs out of money or gets you all in a mountain of debt. I was lucky. I gambled to extinction. That means I literally hit my rock bottom. I had no choice but to stop as my back was against the wall. My health was failing and I was in trouble with the banks and with the creditors. I had run out of options and it was exactly what I needed.

I would hate for you to have to lose another 10 years, waiting for him to recognise he has a problem. These kinds of situations will not go away without intervention. If he will not see reason, then let him know that you want to spend some time apart because you are feeling unwell and stressed and are going to put yourself and the kids first. If he will not listen to reason, then remove yourself from the situation until he agrees to sit down and talk about this. It is not unreasonable to want stability in your life. Especially with a young family. 

I really hope that you can get through to him. I would do anything to get back those 20 years but I can't so I will do everything I can now to make up for it.

((hugs)) 

I have been so overwhelmed by all the responses, I can't thank you all enough. I haven't had the time to go through them all yet.

Regarding my financial situation, all the kids benefit goes to my account, his wages go to his account. So am not wholly dependant on him. 

This is not the man I married, and I stay in hope that he will come back. 

Thanks for all your messages I really wasn't expecting the support that has came through. 

I had a chat with my husband tonight, and his denial is worse than I thought possible. I thought maybe if he read this it might make him think about how his gambling is affecting us. Big mistake. This chat ended up in a huge row. In his words I've made the situation sound worse than it is. He stands by everything he said and as usual has to bring the what do you do everyday. Then the subject is moved from gambling to housework. The house isn't dirty but could be tidier, am not perfect by any means just exhausted. I just don't have the energy. I have used my surname as my user name, he's even asked me to change it to my maiden name. Am sat crying on my bed wondering what just happened. 

Put him on here Kebir. It wont wash with us like he bullies you and puts you down.

Hes a clever gambler is he? How much has he lost I wonder?

Its a mugs game on those odds. Nobody has ever offered him life changing odds on Man U vs The grannies 11...he knows that. There is no system on roulette or anything else

He knows its wrong and he knows its deeply irresponsible

He will end up losing everything thats important. Your words pain me. I am deadly serious when saying you cant be a shrinking violet to this.

Put him on here if he has the brass neck to tell us that gambling isnt seriously affecting his family. He isnt ready to stop. he is hiding his failings an insecurities with anger, manipulation and bullying

You have some serious decisions to make...you need to talk to your family and friends if you can.

we advised you that ultimatums are necessary...it only appears to be making him angry and I know how hard it can be to get space from the problem...as I said we are not relationship counsellors but we do know what gambling does to families

Please ring gamcare again and you need a wider support network.

Best wishes

Thank you, I know in my head what I should do, and if I was to give advice to someone else, I'd be telling them to leave.  He never used to be like this, even before he was at least sorry, now he just seems to have lost all emotion, empty. I don't know this person he is becoming, i know I need to think of myself to be the best mum I can to our kids. It's going to be a tough few months but something needs to change and if he continues down this road and as much as it would break my heart I think I need to get on with my life with just me and the kids. 

I've not really got anyone else to talk to, my mum passed away 5 years ago, she was my rock. If I can survive without her then I know I'll be ok. It just pains me how much he has changed in a short time, this is probably what hurts me the most, i can't believe someone can change so much.  He's not a bad person, yes he had this addiction for 10 years but he was never so emotionless. 

I can't thank you enough for your replies, I feel like I've opened Pandora's box and I feel a bit of relief that I've found somewhere to let it all out.  I wish I had done it sooner. 

Hi Kebir,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a very traumatic situation with your husband.

I was a gambling addict for over 20yrs and have been a psychotherapist for the last 9yrs and feel the need to offer you some understanding of your situation.

Addicts whether gambling or other forms are typically people who have difficulty expressing and releasing emotions (emotional regulation), this causes them to have an overload to their emotional capacity. The addiction is the separation from having to take on anymore emotions (while in action) but unfortunately the fallout after the action ends leads to more overwhelm. 

When you tried to get your husband to face the reality of the situation (which you were right to do) he felt extremely threatened as his gambling will be the only way he knows how to cope in life. His response was to defend himself by retaliation and pick out your imperfect flaws. This is normal addicts behaviour and this is why I felt the need to respond. 

I understand that I'm an outsider and can not understand the true feelings you have in regard to the emotional husband/wife relationship you have but I beg you to use any support possible so yours and your childrens worth/value as human beings doesn't get destroyed by his inappropriate behaviour. 

In terms of recovery for him the odds are truly staked against him (as they are for most addicts). It's not impossible to get long-term physical and emotional recovery but it requires lots of openmindedness/commitment to look at your whole life to see where things have gone wrong.

In my recovery it meant I had to face a less than perfect childhood where I wasn't treated the best and process/release emotions that I had internalized because I was brought up not to show or express my emotions as a child. Emotional literacy was the biggest change for my recovery but it wasn't easy. It's a skill I should have been taught as a child but my parents didn't know how because they never had it in their childhood. 

Whatever you choose to do please keep talking about your feelings and emotions with people you trust and protect the kids at all costs.

Just remember you are a valuable human being that deserves love and respect and that you are not responsible for his poor choices and even though it's an incredibly difficult decision to make regarding your marriage you do have a voice/choice. 

Yes, I totally agree with the last post. Your husband grew angry because you backed him into a corner. You held up a mirror and he did not like what he saw. Nobody wants to feel threatened but in this situation, he is threatened by you and you are threatened by him. He needs to get to the root of the problem and get to the point where he starts thinking about his actions and why he has turned to gambling and turned away from people.

People gamble for all sorts of reasons, it's not necessarily the obvious rush for money. That's just the way you get the high. You need to use money to pay for it but you don't necessarily gamble for money. I gambled to get feeling from a machine to fill an emptiness that I was missing in life.

The zone that gamblers are in when they are in the 'trance' is pure comfort. It is like being drip fed anaesthetic. The zone is more important than the outcome of gambling, so whether you win or lose, the gambler seeks to gamble for this feeling more than whether they come away a winner. 

For this reason, people can be addicted to the distraction. The zone becomes a place of solace for a poorly mind. Your husband is seeking this for reasons only known to him. He needs to open up and talk about what he feels gambling is giving him. His anger towards your threat to take this from him, is proof that he feels protective of his gambling and is strongly tied to his relationship with it. 

If he is anything like me, it's not because he feels he wants it. It's because he feels he needs it. People lean on it and the more they do, the more they cannot function without it. A mere argument or bill coming through the door is enough to send them back to the casino. 

Some people are emotional gamblers and they cannot process emotions properly. It is dangerous because they also cannot process the harm that their gambling is doing. They lack an off switch and the ability to make a connection between the way they feel and what they are doing to themselves. Instead, they still see gambling as a source of release when really, it is gambling that is causing their pain.

When I got towards the end of my 20 years of addiction, I no longer wanted to bet but I had forged a strong bond with gambling and it was habitual. It was in my fabric as a person and it was almost automatic. I began self harming because I couldn't handle how trapped I felt. I wanted to stop but my brain sought nothing but the high. Even minutes after gambling, I would want to do it again. I couldn't function with the depression I had and I had isolated myself from my family, making my situation even more vulnerable.

I was addicted to gambling, but not to winning. I just wanted to get out of my own head. Despite the fact that I could see the debt stacking up and all the worry and stress, I still felt that gambling was a place of safety and release. Only now, looking back, can I see what an addicted mess I was but when you are right there in that moment, gambling is a wonderful place of calm for a troubled mind. It is the pain we welcome when we have worse pain in our lives. It is easier to deal with the pain you create yourself and this is how it was for me because at least I felt like I was in control of my own feelings, rather than the numb emptiness I already felt inside. I was hurting myself but I understood the pain.

Gambling is so dangerous because you get high when you do it, and you don't have to win to get high. It is the act of gambling that is addictive, not the outcome and that is why it is so hard to stop, even if you are losing thousands and your family too.

There were also times when I gambled to forget that I was a useless gambler! How stupid is that? I gambled to forget all the problems I was making for myself and for my family. It is very powerful and its power over your husband should not be underestimated.

I really hope things improve for both of you. All the best to you.

Sorry I've not replied, been so overwhelmed by everything. Everything makes sense and I can see it from my husband's side as well. It's sad that we have all found ourselves here but at the same time it's a relief to have a support network. I only came across this site on Monday but it has been invaluable. I feel like I have 2 husband's, the amazing one who looks after his family, then the monster, the one that has no feelings, no empathy, compassion, unfortunately this is the one that has been making more of an appearance lately. I hope we can get through this, right now nothing seems to be going in. I hope this changes as i can't stay with this person, my mental health has taken a massive dip, am on the highest dose of the anti depressants am on and right now I don't think they are helping. 

Thanks everyone for your replies, it really has made me feel a lot better. You start to question your own behaviour and wonder if it's me that's in the wrong.