I'm currently unsure how to feel about my partner's relapse. At the beginning of the year, I found out that he'd gambled most of his month's wage, and "self-excluded" him from the site he was using at the time (which he was okay with at the time, and said that he thought he needed help). I created us a joint account and told him that I would have immediate control of all our finances for the time being while he was sorting himself out. After a while, when I thought he was managing them well enough again, I gave him access to our online banking, but monitorned transactions to be told the money going into his personal account was for bills. I've logged into his personal account to get PDF copies of his account statements, and found out that almost every transaction into and out of his account was for gambling, and that he's not paying his bills.
I know he needs the proper support this time round but am unsure of how to speak to him about it. I can't help feeling hurt and betrayed by this. Any advice?
Hi there mummylexi18,
Welcome to the Forum. I am sorry to hear that your partner relapsed. You must be upset and confused by this. It would be best to talk to him and let him know that you know that he has been gambling. Let him know that there is a lot of support if he wants to get through this.
It was a good idea for you to take over financial control but it was too soon to let him manage his money again. It was also a good idea to self-exclude from the site but he will need to make sure he can’t access gambling at all. The best thing would be for him to register with GamStop and install a blocking software on his device. In other words, there need to be strict blocks in place while he looks into the problem itself. I would encourage you to get in touch with GamCare and speak to an adviser about the situation and for further advice. We also provide free counselling to both of you (separately) should you decide to speak to a counsellor.
Wishing you all the best,
Hi lexi I would suggest you take back control of finance, no money for him. You can pay his bills from the account you use, his salary to you. You need support. I found my husband gambling after I thought he'd stopped and he now says he never stopped. He goes to GA and I gamanon. A meeting is the best place for real support from others who've been or are where you are. If he's going to stop he needs to show you. It's how you and he deal with the 'relapse' if that is what it is.
Your husband is a compulsive gambler, something that will never change. He may tackle the issue or he may not. Unfortunatly like any addiction he has to want to get help himself, you cannot force him.
You can make it very difficult for him to gamble by putting up barriers like taking full financial control, monitoring his credit score (loads of free accounts out there like Clearscore) where you can see if he has any loans or credit cards in his name. Gamstop is a site for self sxcludign from all gambling sites and Gamban is software that can be added to his phone so he cant gamble there.
The reality is though he will 100% get the urge again, if he is not really tackling the issue with GA, the 12 steps, councelling etc he will never change. Research everything you can about gambling addiction if you are willing to continue living with one i smy advice.