My partner of 2 years has stolen my savings twice now.
the first time at the beginning of the year it was 3 grand and he took it all out of my money box while I was at work and didn’t tell me until I looked in the box and had realised it was all missing. He then owned up and explained he had gambled his earnings and then tried using my money to win it back. He was clearly very sorry and upset and promised to pay me back from a tax rebate and other things he had coming at the end of the month. This was money I had saved to pay the rent and bills etc. i chose fo stick by him and help him get support but it was during lockdown and meetings were apparently not going ahead so it seemed to fizzle out and I couldn’t talk to him about it as he’d only snap at me. I spoke to his mother about it all and she advised I hide all my valuables from him.
The next time I saved money I remembered what she had said and hid it in the bottom of our wardrobe. I felt guilty for hiding it but I knew I had to save some money incase he gambled his earnings again and couldn’t afford the rent again.
He’d nearly finished paying me back until last week I discovered that he’d found my money and had taken it all again trying to win back his earnings he lost again. But This time it was even more money….
He takes part in a sport that earns him good money and he’s promised that he’ll pay me back when he gets money from that at the end of the month. I can’t rely on that and I feel like it’s just continuous excuses that he’s got ways to get big amounts of money back. Like he knows he can always count on using my money to gamble before he knows he’s coming into more money.
he’s made me feel guilty again by telling me how sorry he is and that he’ll get help etc but I don’t trust he won’t just end up doing it again. I can’t afford to live on my own at the moment but I also can’t afford this same thing to happen again.
am I a bad person for leaving him when he’s so upset? Am I stupid if I stick around and try and help him again?
I just really need advice from people who have been through the same things. Please help 😔
First of all welcome to the GamCare forum and thank you for posting your story. It can't have been easy.
It sounds like you're going through a terrible time with your partner and we can understand your dilemma about whether to stay. The first thing we would suggest for his benefit as well as yours is that you do not leave any cash around. Why not put any money you have in a savings account? Also make sure any bank cards are locked away where he can't get access to them.
It is very much your decision as to whether you stay with him but whatever you decide, please do reach out for help for yourself. Whether your partner gets help or not, whether he stops gambling or not is not in your control. The only thing you can control is your own response to this situation. Getting some support can help you put healthy boundaries in place, protect yourself, and avoid enabling his gambling.
If you haven't already, please do feel free to contact us on the Freephone HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or by Livechat. We're here 24/7 to support you.
We're sure other forum members will also want to support you and offer their perspectives.
Take care and keep posting,
First and foremost, you haven't done anything wrong. Your partner is responsible for this and whatever decision you make, it should be for yourself.
I'm a recovering addict and I can tell you that the actions of your partner are definitely the signs of a problem gambler. He will be deceitful and manipulative to get what he needs to feed his addiction. When things went bad the first time, the shame and guilt that he felt were real. But often when things get better over time, especially as he had almost repaid you fully, his mind would trick him into thinking he's okay now and doesn't have a problem. This is the time when relapses are more dangerous. Often the relapse comes quickly and is worse than the previous time.
The only way he will beat this if is he truly wants to and acknowledges that he has a problem. If he can't do this, you have very little options. But if he openly accepts that he needs help, there is hope. You should continue to be on high alert. He'll never be 'cured', but can keep things under control.
If you decide to leave, you aren't a bad person. If you decide to stay, prepare for a bumpy ride. Not just with gambling, but with the emotions that come with recovery. He isn't a bad person. He's unwell and needs help, but you aren't obligated to provide that help, especially if he can't admit that he needs it.
i just had to reply to your post, as I have just posted about stealing my partners money so I am in effect on the other side and wanted to share my feelings.
I can’t tell you how bad I feel about what I have done, and I am so sure your partner will be feeling the same. But as long as you leave money around, it will be found and the addiction takes over.
I don’t even feel like the same person when I take that money. Even when I know it’s needed I still take it, as I think somehow I will have that big win and make my partner happy again. It doesn’t happen.
Never feel it’s any reflection on you or that stealing is a true part of his character, because gambling consumes you and I kind of become someone else, that’s not a pathetic excuse, I’m just trying to explain how it feels.
If you love him, stand by him, make sure he knows you are going to support him through this. But most importantly, please do not leave any temptation lying around.
I wish you all the very best.
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