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Partner is gambling a lot but says he can afford it and it is not affecting our finances yet  

 
Tina1978
(@tina1978)

Hi everyone,

I decided to post here tonight as I don’t know what to do. My partner of almost 20 years, on reflection, has always had a compulsive personality but now this has moved onto gambling.  All of his social circle gamble and I would say this has become worse in the last 3 years.  About 18 mths ago I was ready to leave him when I found out he was spending about £370 a week on w**********l - bets and roulette. His response was it was a bit of fun, he can afford it and he only spends what he wins. This made me feel sick as I felt it was like chucking £370 down the drain - I hate gambling and the waste. He did however reluctantly admit it had got out of hand and deleted his b****5 account and put restrictions on WH. I was so angry at the time but agreed to trust him. Over the last 12 mths he has come to me once or twice to say his gambling has been getting out of hand again so he has restricted himself and I have congratulated him and thanked him for his honesty.

The last month or so he has been glued to his phone and I have asked several times if his gambling is getting out of control “no”. Last night I saw he had been using L as well as WH and then tonight I am devastated to find he is back on 365 and now putting bets on greyhound race which is completely new. Yesterday his first bet was at 8.30 and his last at 19.40 and he placed 136 stakes. I also know he would have had bets on the other sites for football etc. When I confronted him tonight thr response was look at the deposits, I am only gambling what I have won and I don’t know what to do.  My assets are protected and I want to help him but I cannot stand the deceit.

Sorry for the long message but I feel stuck and am made to feel that I am overreacting 

Quote
Posted : 17th June 2021 11:30 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello Tina1978

Welcome to the Forum and for reaching out to others for support. Problem gambling is devastating and has a detrimental impact on everyone around the problem gambler.  Please know that you are not alone with this and there is support to get through one day at a time.

Along with the Forum we have Advisers available 24/7 to help you through this.  You can contact an Adviser by calling our Helpline on 0800 8020 133 or by using our LiveChat option.  I encourage you to make contact so we can discuss the best way forward for you.

In the meantime, please have a look at Gam-Anon which is a 12 step Fellowship of those affected by problem gambling.  There are live face to face meetings to attend which will give you the identification and hope that there is a way forward for both you and your Partner.

I sincerely do hope that you stay in touch here in the Forum and know that others will 'walk with you'.

Best

Amanda

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th June 2021 6:50 am
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Tina1978 and welcome to the forum.

Gambling is not a wholesome activity. Its a vice and a mugs game.

He sounds delusional and as an addict he will be.

You need to start again by telling him that gambling is NOT acceptable to you. I suggest you do some metaphorical exercises like showing him what cash looks like and should you chuck it into the wind 

See if he likes it?! Tell him youve bought a £1500+ handbag for example or ordered a new car because you simply wanted a colour change......because if he is wasting money you feel like splashing out.

Im not saying do that but see if he likes the idea of you blowing loads of money......I very much doubt it

gamblers are manipulators and drug addicts for it. They like everything on their own terms because they cant help themselves.

Im afraid that you will have to protect yourself financially and he needs reality checks. One of those reality checks is you wont stand for it and the relationship is on the line.

You cant be a shrinking violet about this...trust? forget the trust! he needs  serious help but he has to be ready to accept that!

A gambling addiction destroys people I've studied it for years. Its not actually fun or entertainment.  Its a dopamine or natural morphine fix which turns people into zombies.

If you can speak to family and friends for support, You need to start learning about this deadly addiction and I repeat protect yourself now!

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 3 months ago 2 times by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th June 2021 10:02 am
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

You have hit on another issue addicts don't see, he may be only gambling will money he has won, but how much time each week does he spend gambling? Sit down with him (or without) and go through his gambling accounts, they will show every bet he has wagered. 

When I was gambling it completely consumed me, I would spend hours every single day planning to bet, planning how to get money or how much  I would spend, and then actually gambling, watching the sport/slot, checking results, checking my accounts. There are only so many hours in the day so instead of giving appropriate time to my job, my partner, the kids, chores around the house etc all that came second to gambling. That is unacceptable to any relationship and you deserve better, he can change, but that is up to him. Be strong and firm. Best of luck.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd July 2021 9:27 am
honey77
(@honey77)

I find this really interesting - and I've been pondering whether or not it makes it worse if you can afford it??  I found out about my husband 2 weeks ago.  He's always earned very good money and I never thought I would be in a situation where I have enough money for 2 mortgage repayments and that's it - it's very scary.  Funnily enough, I feel ashamed and embarrassed even though I've done nothing wrong.  I know millionaires whos spread betting is out of control - but does that make it right? they are still addicts right?

I've decided to support my husband as there are lots of deep rooted issues he has to deal with but can I ever trust him again and therefore what is our future?

I'm starting therapy next week - I need it.  I'm in utter shock.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th August 2021 7:22 pm
Lethe
(@lethe)

It's easy to feel like a mug but once bitten twice shy.

Years down the line Mr L has bank card only access (no login details) to the joint account I monitor very regularly and a limited amount available. I see receipts. He doesn't carry cash and if he needs it he runs it by me and again provides receipts. All our savings and every major asset is in my sole name.

You don't need to trust him around money. You don't need to understand. I don't and don't try. It leaves me open to yet more potential manipulation.  He can get the understanding he needs from counselling and from GA. Your priority is to protect you.

This post was modified 1 month ago 2 times by Lethe
ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th August 2021 9:31 pm
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