Partner has a gambling problem

Hi @hayley94 sounds like a really difficult situation, stay strong and everything will work out. Im a gambling addict, currently trying to recover. Assuming your partner now knows you know, I would say try to have an honest conversation about the issue. Unfortunately, it all depends on whether he wants to stop gambling, it has to come from him I guess. Maybe confide in a friend or family member for advice? He needs help by the sounds of it, as it’s an addiction that really tricks you - ‘it’s only 20 quid’ becomes £100 a day, becomes a £1000 a month. It’s far too easy and accessible. As an addict, it’s hard for a non gambler to understand. I think it’s a case of trying to have a conversation with him or if not someone you trust who can help

Hi Hayley94 and Welcome to the forum

Please ring gamcare again and spend some time trying to build up a network of family and friends you can talk to.

Its a difficult situation and I feel for you. Its not your fault and this is what gambling does to relationships and families

As you know its not something you could ever allow him to do. Gambling is a drug addiction more than anything else and he needs help.

You need to pick your moments and act on the golden rules. You do need to protect yourself financially if you can. I dont know your financial situation but you and the baby come first.

Im not saying he is inherently bad but he needs to be ready to stop or you cant help him. He needs reality checks and you can not be a shrinking violet about this. I dont know how he handles confrontation but reality checks to a gambler equals some form of confrontation.

How you handle this is your decision. Perhaps a few days staying at your mums could formulate some thoughts. Im not trying to split you up but he needs to realise you are far more important than his addiction to a vice and he needs serious help.

You cant trust him for his own good. Sounds as though he is from a family of gamblers which is not good news. You will have no security living with a gambler and you've seen the results of his actions.

There is a way through this or out of this for you. Be proud of who you are and build support before you take some serious decisions

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi joydivider 

you are absolutely right. I know how serious this addiction is. I feel as tho he isn’t ready, he won’t speak up or admit it and he is saying that he ‘isn’t that bad’. I think because some of his close friends are in a lot of debt with gambling and he isn’t he doesn’t think it’s bad. 
im on stat maternity pay and I’m usually the higher earner, I have never relied on anyone in my life but I believed him when he said I could. Now we are 3 months down the line and I’ve had no help, lucky to buy food I like and my baby doesn’t have the things I need to buy for her. 

we live in my house and I have asked him to sleep in the spare room. He’s let me and our baby down I can’t even look at him. I feel conned and don’t know this person. This is not the person I fell in love with. 
I have applied and sorting myself and baby out with help whilst I’m on maternity, he will have to move out for that to happen. 
I have also suggested a joint account he can’t have access too if he stays here but of course will still have some money for himself but I would like receipts for most things that’s possible to do. I know I can take it all away from him but my concern is he’s not ready for me to. And there’s always a way. 
how do I introduce him to professional help like this? Am I being unreasonable asking for a joint account? He seems to think so. He even hides payslips away from me so he has his money to gamble with. 

Hi hidden addict,

Thank you for your reply, I do actually have more understanding on this addiction. My own brother who I am so close to is a recovering gambler, I have seen first hand what it can do to someone and their family. I went to him first as soon as I found out so I addressed the issue carefully rather than just shout at him like I wanted to do. 
My brother and boyfriend are now really close they text every single day, have talks about football daily and we see him and his girlfriend most weekends. I didn’t think he would mind me telling my brother but he is so angry with me for telling somebody, this makes me feel he isn’t willing to stop? I understand people are different but my brothers closest know not to speak about gambling to him. 
How do I get him to admit it to people? How do I get him to tell his mum without sugar coating everything? I need him to come clean and work on it and the more he wants to hide it the more I feel he will carry on. 
I trust my brother to help but he won’t, he’s saying he doesn’t want to see him. He’s completely in denial.

Posted by: Hayley94

I have just found out my boyfriend has a serious gambling problem and I don’t know what to do. 
We both usually work full time and I always have my own money so I have never noticed how much he spends. We moved in together in November and I was due to give birth in January. Going on maternity leave I said that me and the baby need your support. Our baby is now 9 weeks old and I’ve just found out he’s spending over a grand a month on football bets and he has spent 18k in 12 months (he’s not a high earner and earns not even double that) 

I have no income and no money and me and the baby are being left with nothing! I feel so hurt, betrayed and angry I want to run away and I want to help him at the same time. 
I found his account and he had to admitted he has a problem, but I have forced it all on him to stop and I know if I didn’t find it he would never of stoped. He’s been doing it for over 10 years and some days there are around 6-8, £20 bets and I don’t have a penny. 
I don’t think he realises as a family in the same home he’s also spending mine and my baby’s money. 
does anyone have any advice please? What do I dI if I believe he’s not willing to stop? His close friends and family are always betting daily and I believe he will find a way. He is telling me everything I want to hear but I know it’s not that easy to just ‘stop’ with no help what so ever.

Hi your case is very difficult 

Try to make him see how you are feeling and how gambling make it difficult for his family 

Do this indirectly so that he could think ''she is suffering from my gambling, but she didn't say anything because she love me and think about ours family''

Make him think about how gambling is destroying his life and family

Make him open his eyes so that he see that his family is the real victim of his gambling 

Try not to face him directly and give him time

But if this didn't work then you need to speak directly with him and make thing clear

Thanks hayley94.

Im worried that you seem to be surrounded by people either gambling, talking about gambling or in recovery. Im worried that puts you as the odd one out or spoilsport as they will see it. An addicted gambler will manipulate everyone around them 

I stress again that you cant be a shrinking violet about this. At some point fairly soon you have to put your foot down that gambling is not acceptable to you in this relationship

He is an addict in a delusional world. One major reality check is if he listens to you and seeks help. He is not free to destroy himself with a wife and child because he will take you along for the hell ride

Gambling addiction has taken his self respect and dignity away. He cant help himself as it acts like a drug addiction he craves. he seems lost in a delusional, jack the lad world of gambling behaviour

Gambling is a highly dangerous activity and its extremely addictive. Its a mugs game, a vice, a scandal and a giant lie...push him into a GA meeting or get him to talk to recovering gamblers and non gamblers

We are not relationship counsellors but we are fully aware how deadly this addiction is.

You should be controlling all the money in a single account in your name only. He should be on an allowance while he sorts himself out. Joint accounts are not the way...single accounts and you dont give him a penny of your money

I dont like confrontation but I'm afraid that you have to be strong and build strength. It does essentially boil down to... do you want me?....no gambling then! 

He can heal when he is ready. You can only help him when he is fully ready. However you have to protect yourself starting now because gambling addiction is a progressive illness.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi Hayley, 
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wanted to share with you a very similar situation of my own as I am currently on maternity leave with a 2 month old, statuary pay, and usually the highest earner. I have been asking my husband to help provide for us and towards the end of the month I am still so anxious as I have had nothing from him towards our bills, to find out he’s bet it all. He’s also bet any savings I thought he had, we are now dipping into mine for essentials with not much left to see me to the end. He’s done about 15k in the last 6 months on credit cards and money transfers also. 
I finally found out the extent of the gambling this week, and I said to my husband I will be taking control of all finances again (which we did once before and worked so well until I stopped) but this time he needed professional help. 
I rung gamcare myself, it was so good to talk to someone professionally and they offered me 1:1 support via zoom with a practitioner as counselling for myself, yesterday my husband booked the same thing. 
I’ve been using these forums and there is also a family chat room on a Monday @ 11:30, I will be joining tomorrow first time. 
My husband still doesn’t believe he is an ‘addict’ but he says he has a problem with online gambling, admitting it is the hardest I guess.
I actually sent him a video (unfortunately can’t share the link) which I felt we could almost relate to, a family with newborns. It’s on YouTube, ‘dr Phil gambling addition’ about a 25 year old.
and my husband rung me after and said I don’t want to get that bad, I will get the help. 

he has self excluded from all online gambling signing upto GAMSTOP for 5 years. 

he’s also agreed to me looking after all of the finances, again. 
we have also followed steps on martins money saving and he has applied for a consolidation loan for his debt. 

Sorry to share so much but even if one of these steps from our journey so far help you and your partner I will be so pleased. wish you and your family all the best. 

Posted by: Emma2020

Hi Hayley, 
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wanted to share with you a very similar situation of my own as I am currently on maternity leave with a 2 month old, statuary pay, and usually the highest earner. I have been asking my husband to help provide for us and towards the end of the month I am still so anxious as I have had nothing from him towards our bills, to find out he’s bet it all. He’s also bet any savings I thought he had, we are now dipping into mine for essentials with not much left to see me to the end. He’s done about 15k in the last 6 months on credit cards and money transfers also. 
I finally found out the extent of the gambling this week, and I said to my husband I will be taking control of all finances again (which we did once before and worked so well until I stopped) but this time he needed professional help. 
I rung gamcare myself, it was so good to talk to someone professionally and they offered me 1:1 support via zoom with a practitioner as counselling for myself, yesterday my husband booked the same thing. 
I’ve been using these forums and there is also a family chat room on a Monday @ 11:30, I will be joining tomorrow first time. 
My husband still doesn’t believe he is an ‘addict’ but he says he has a problem with online gambling, admitting it is the hardest I guess.
I actually sent him a video (unfortunately can’t share the link) which I felt we could almost relate to, a family with newborns. It’s on YouTube, ‘dr Phil gambling addition’ about a 25 year old.
and my husband rung me after and said I don’t want to get that bad, I will get the help. 

he has self excluded from all online gambling signing upto GAMSTOP for 5 years. 

he’s also agreed to me looking after all of the finances, again. 
we have also followed steps on martins money saving and he has applied for a consolidation loan for his debt. 

Sorry to share so much but even if one of these steps from our journey so far help you and your partner I will be so pleased. wish you and your family all the best. 

Wow I feel like I have just written this! How similar are our situations. So after having a few conversations we have now come to the same agreement. We both have a 1-1 councillor and he has removed himself from all gambling sites for 5 years. I have had to fight for it but I have told him I now want his wages transferred into my account each week and to see payslips so I know what we are getting. I feel so controlling but he has left me without a penny for 3 months and also gotten into debt with gambling. Luckily it’s just family he owes who understand our situation. 
the frustrating this is he has been paying all his bills and then spending the rest but my bills haven’t been paid so now I’m having to pay more or lend money if family which I hate doing when I know we should be able to afford everything. 
I think the worse thing about it is I didn’t have a clue and we have been together for 2 years (I knew the odd bet of 10/20 pounds) but nothing to this extent. I feel like he’s a fraud and I still can’t look at him without having so much anger and hurt for the lies. 

He now knows it’s gambling or his family and he’s 1 bet away to moving back to his mums as I will not stand for it. 
I’m still worried he’s telling me everything I want to hear and still getting around it 1 way or another saying he needs money for drinks and dinners at work I’m still worried his friends could still bet for him. I guess the trust has gone and something we will need to work on. 
I’m always here if you want a chat or to vent. Wishing you well. 

I am sorry for the late reply. 
Our situations are so similar!! It’s great to hear your partner has agreed to do the 1-1 and self excluded for the 5 years. That’s a real positive step! 
how have things been for you? 

I know exactly how you feel, I also feel very controlling asking to have access to my husbands wages, and ensuring it’s going to the right place, but it’s the only way forward to get the bills paid and to get us straight again. I guess until that trust has built back up, and the temptation for them to bet fades away, it is the best thing to do. 
me and my husband are now sitting down together on pay day and he’s physically making the payments to all his credit cards , he’s now realised how bad it is and says it sickens him how much he’s having to pay off, and what good that money could do. 
I’m hoping with doing this and him being involved it’s then not down to me to swoop in and bail him out, and I’m just preying he really does want to change... but I don’t know. 

really hope you are okay?

HI (@hayley94)

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am going through something similar myself (minus the little baba!) 

I found out my partner was addicted to sports betting/gambling all throughout his twenties and the 2 years we'd been together. He told me last November that He's up to his eyes in debt, the money I loaned him was spent towards that, he'd lied to me saying he'd stopped gambling and hadn't... 

He's not gambled since then but his other habits quickly turned into addiction so we're only just slowly coming out the other side now that we identified these things and he's making huge progress in other areas of his life but the main thing I am struggling with is trusting him again. He is not the same person I fell in love because people you fall in love with don't lie to you like this. 

He says he's now ready to start watching football, talking about it with his friends etc but I am just not comfortable with this and me trying to be supportive is quickly turning into controlling him because I don't trust him to make the right decision when it comes to these things as I think it's too soon but it's hard to determine a timeline for these things right?

I hope your partner and your family are doing better now!

Posted by: PreenyT

HI (@hayley94)

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am going through something similar myself (minus the little baba!) 

I found out my partner was addicted to sports betting/gambling all throughout his twenties and the 2 years we'd been together. He told me last November that He's up to his eyes in debt, the money I loaned him was spent towards that, he'd lied to me saying he'd stopped gambling and hadn't... 

He's not gambled since then but his other habits quickly turned into addiction so we're only just slowly coming out the other side now that we identified these things and he's making huge progress in other areas of his life but the main thing I am struggling with is trusting him again. He is not the same person I fell in love because people you fall in love with don't lie to you like this. 

He says he's now ready to start watching football, talking about it with his friends etc but I am just not comfortable with this and me trying to be supportive is quickly turning into controlling him because I don't trust him to make the right decision when it comes to these things as I think it's too soon but it's hard to determine a timeline for these things right?

I hope your partner and your family are doing better now!

 

Hi,

Oh I’m so sorry you’re in the same position. I’m struggling too. I don’t think they realise that because they haven’t ‘cheated’ that we should trust them. The lies and the sneaking behind my back to basically live a double life and gamble up to 8 times a day baffles me!! My boyfriend is the same it’s all football bets, £20 X8 times on a Saturday and Sunday is crazy! My partner tells me we are not in debt and he doesn’t owe any money out but I don’t believe this either. I have taken control of the money and he is now speaking to a councillor. 
I don’t know if I will ever trust him again but only time will tell, I’m really trying for the sake of my family. 

it’s the hardest situation as I still feel betrayed and as much as I’m trying to put it behind me I still feel angry that he watched me cry over money time and time again and he was still gambling and not giving me a penny. It really does make you question do they ever love you. 

I really hope you and your partner get the help you need to move forward and as I’ve said to others I’m always here if you want to chat!