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Violetrose
(@violetrose)

Hello all. My partner is a problem gambler, he has stolen from me in the past to fund his gambling. I moved away from our home for a while and hoped it would ease. We got back together after he promised he would get help, he went to meetings but it lasted about two weeks before he started moaning when id ask him to go meetings (pre pandemic) and having a go at me saying im forcing him to go and his too tired. His gambling eased for a while but he was watching gambling videos which whenever he watched he gad a slip. He promised me he had stopped and been clear for a while but today his google search history came up and his still been watching them. If his lied to me about this, what else has he lied about? Also fact his still watching them means his most likely still gambling. He blamed me for his last slip as it was a week after my mum died he said I was too emotional and he needed to gamble because of me relying on him too much. Everytime he slips he blames me. Problem is we live together and it hard to just walk away. I wish i knew what to do.

Quote
Posted : 19th February 2021 5:14 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello Violet.

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing your story. There are many people here who have been in a similar situation to yourself. You are not alone in this. I am sure you will get a great deal of advice from others who know how this feels. 

It sounds like your Partner has, in the past, blamed you for his gambling. It is important that you know this is not your fault. It might be good for you to make sure that your finances are separate so you are able to protect yourself from your Partners gambling. I also wonder if you have any friends or family who you feel able to open up to about this situation? From what you have said you are finding it difficult to trust your partner at the moment which must be a difficult position to be in. 

This might be something you would like to talk more about with one of our advisers. They are available 24/7 and could help you work through all the feelings you are rightfully having at the moment. They could also offer you some on going one to one support where you could work through how you would like to move forward with this. You can contact the advisers by calling our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or you could use our Livechat. Whatever is best for you to get the support you are looking for. 

For now, please carry on using the forum, there are a lot of people here who will be able to offer some advice. 

Take care, 

Rebecca 

Forum Admin.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th February 2021 7:45 pm
Queenie119
(@queenie119)

Hey Violet

From the point of his view please be assured that he knows it is not your fault. We lie and cheat those we love and who love us. It will be eating him up unless he is a narcissist. I never dreamed in a million years that I would lie or steal, i was brought up with very high morals. 

I guess everyone is different but from my POV my partner is now taking over all of my finances, but it has taken years and me reaching new depths for this to happen. 

Have you seen a gambling therapist together? This is something that I did and during that time I stayed away from gambling for 3 years. This is something else that I will also do again.

He needs to WANT to change though and unless he is committed to meetings etc I fear that he will remain in this situation and you will continue to be hurt.

im so sorry that you are in this situation, you are obviously very caring to go to the lengths to join a forum. 

Take Care 

xxx 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th February 2021 5:27 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi Violet,

Sorry to hear the situation in which you find yourself. From what you say, your partner doesn't want to stop gambling and is simply playing the blame game to justify his behaviour. I use to do the same. In my thoughts I use to blame my mother for my gambling, over events that happened many years earlier, which looking back was really quite bizarre.

As the previous poster says, "none of this is your fault". His gambling is his reaction to his thoughts and his emotional state. To blame you is to make excuses and to not take responsibility for his gambling.

You can't stop him gambling. If he really wants to stop he will take action himself to stop himself gambling, things like... self-exclusions, registering with gamstop, denying himself access to the means to gamble, getting support because HE wants to get support, not because you have asked him to.... the list goes on.. you get the drift.

Use your own support for yourself.

Regards, S.A

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th February 2021 8:03 am
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Violetrose and welcome to the forum.

Please phone gamcare as many times as you like and try and build a support network of  family and friends.

You pick the moment when you confront this but he needs reality checks that gambling is not acceptable to you which includes all his behaviour of watching the videos

You cant be a shrinking violet about this. If you are safe to do so he needs reality checks and you have to protect  yourself and your finances from gambling harm

Its difficult as I dont know your living circumstances or options you have to consider. I understand that people end up in shared living which is hard to change.

If he is truly ready to stop he would not be moaning. A gambler truly ready to stop is glad of any help and will actually feel a serenity that the problem is being tackled.

Im not saying he is inherently bad. The addiction takes over and controls him like a puppet...he is delusional and addiction is an illness. He is blaming you and manipulating you because the addiction is all powerful

We are not relationship counsellors but we do know about the extreme dangers of gambling addiction. Its not your fault and obviously you dont deserve this

Whatever you do, I know you cant hide from it as the problem just gets worse.

Take some time to build knowledge and strength.....then you pick the moments. He may realise you are the only important person he has in life

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th February 2021 2:37 pm
Beat_gambling_today
(@beat_gambling_today)
Posted by: Violetrose

Hello all. My partner is a problem gambler, he has stolen from me in the past to fund his gambling. I moved away from our home for a while and hoped it would ease. We got back together after he promised he would get help, he went to meetings but it lasted about two weeks before he started moaning when id ask him to go meetings (pre pandemic) and having a go at me saying im forcing him to go and his too tired. His gambling eased for a while but he was watching gambling videos which whenever he watched he gad a slip. He promised me he had stopped and been clear for a while but today his google search history came up and his still been watching them. If his lied to me about this, what else has he lied about? Also fact his still watching them means his most likely still gambling. He blamed me for his last slip as it was a week after my mum died he said I was too emotional and he needed to gamble because of me relying on him too much. Everytime he slips he blames me. Problem is we live together and it hard to just walk away. I wish i knew what to do.

Hi. Like everybody else on here I am truly sorry to hear you are in this situation. I do understand the situation you are in as about 2 years ago I stole £1000 from my wife to fund my gambling without her knowing. Another instance, I was once at work and forced her to give me £4000 through paypal to fund a heavy losing streak, which; continued and totalled £9000... Absolutely disastrous but as a compulsive gambler I was not ready to stop back then. I only actually stopped around 4 months ago but the stealing stopped about a year ago... I used to do things like take her card whilst she was napping with our baby and bet £1000’s online. Anyway your partner’s habit and his actions does not mean he does not love you whilst it may be hard for you to understand at times. He just sounds like a gambler who needs extra help and encouragement to change his mindset to truly want to and succeed in stopping. Get him various avenues of help and hopefully you will see his true worth once again. I’m sure he is worth it without the gambling ❤️ 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th February 2021 4:56 pm
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