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Partner gambling again  

 
Limo1212
(@limo1212)

Hi, so my recently discovered my partner is gambling again. They don’t know I know. They have told me they haven’t gambled in years but I know that recently they have been gambling on non gamstop websites as well as raffle sites. We recently had an argument over them hiding their phone and I can only guess it’s that now why they were so defensive when I asked. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve never had to deal with this before as they’re gambling problem apparently stopped years ago. Please help. How do I address this. Do I tell their family? 

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Posted : 24th August 2020 1:39 pm
Craig724
(@craig724)

I would defo sit your partner down and tackle the issue head on with your evidence, this way it would be very hard for them to come up with any form of excuses.  It’s a real tough one.  Your partner may of just had a relapse and confronting them may address the situation as in they know they can’t hide it any more.  I’d hold back on telling the family until you find out how bad it is, as I say could just be a small relapse but at same time It could be a whole load of debt . Good luck 

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Posted : 24th August 2020 10:01 pm
Mickpa
(@mickpa)

People who gamble lie. You should accept that its not personal its just that gambling is an addiction just like drinking and its easy to slip back into bad ways again.  Don't get into an argument about the fact that he has lied or deceived you - its irrelevant. Tell him straight but IMPORTANTLY without criticism or blame that you know what is going on and you want to help. That is really important as he will blame you and call you and deliberately argue with you to avoid the shame and the fact that its all his own doing. That's what we gamblers do and its not nice.  On line self-exclusion is the first step - ask him if he is serious about stopping and if so, you sit there and watch him self-exclude.....watch him do it! Or he wont. Its easy and takes 5 minutes. He will lie and deceive you and try to carry on again so ensure you follow every step until he gets the confirmation email and is unable to log-on to any gambling site.  Watch him try and log-on and if he is rejected you are then reasonably sure it has worked. You must be thorough. He can sort this out with your help but it won't be easy.  I've been there and I know what I'm talking about...I'm still there.  Good luck.

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Posted : 24th August 2020 10:49 pm
Limo1212
(@limo1212)
Posted by: Mickpa

People who gamble lie. You should accept that its not personal its just that gambling is an addiction just like drinking and its easy to slip back into bad ways again.  Don't get into an argument about the fact that he has lied or deceived you - its irrelevant. Tell him straight but IMPORTANTLY without criticism or blame that you know what is going on and you want to help. That is really important as he will blame you and call you and deliberately argue with you to avoid the shame and the fact that its all his own doing. That's what we gamblers do and its not nice.  On line self-exclusion is the first step - ask him if he is serious about stopping and if so, you sit there and watch him self-exclude.....watch him do it! Or he wont. Its easy and takes 5 minutes. He will lie and deceive you and try to carry on again so ensure you follow every step until he gets the confirmation email and is unable to log-on to any gambling site.  Watch him try and log-on and if he is rejected you are then reasonably sure it has worked. You must be thorough. He can sort this out with your help but it won't be easy.  I've been there and I know what I'm talking about...I'm still there.  Good luck.

Thanks for the reply. That’s the thing, they are already self-excluded but have found a loop hole with one of the sites. I really want to say something but we’ve just had a disagreement about them being secretive with their phone all of a sudden and got really defensive and my guess this is why. 

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Posted : 25th August 2020 12:14 pm
Limo1212
(@limo1212)
Posted by: Craig724

I would defo sit your partner down and tackle the issue head on with your evidence, this way it would be very hard for them to come up with any form of excuses.  It’s a real tough one.  Your partner may of just had a relapse and confronting them may address the situation as in they know they can’t hide it any more.  I’d hold back on telling the family until you find out how bad it is, as I say could just be a small relapse but at same time It could be a whole load of debt . Good luck 

Thanks for the reply Craig724

I'm hoping it is just a small relapse. I might just hold of saying anything right now and monitor it without them knowing. I don’t wanna to cause anymore issues between us regarding keeping secrets but I feel like because I know this I can’t truth that they are telling me the truth on everything even after I asked point blank have to gambled which of course they denied. 

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Posted : 25th August 2020 12:16 pm
Pep1952
(@pep1952)

Sorry to hear Limo. Speak to your partner and tell them you know they are back to gambling. Tell them you are willing to support them but they should be happy to take the support and actively lead their path back to recovery. There should be full transparency of finances. You need to take full control of their money. They need to switch to a bank thay blocks gambling (for example Monzo). You also need to check their credit report (experian, creditkarma) everyday. They can also consider attending GA, my partner found this very hepful.

Wishing you all the best.

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Posted : 25th August 2020 3:47 pm
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

You need to sit down and have an open chat, obviously if they had a gambling problem before and are now been defensiv it is bound to worry you. You are entitled to see all accounts, credit history etc to see the true scale of the problem (addicts can lie all day long if we need to). You need to be strong doing this, most will argue to avoid this and with good reason as it can be very shocking for partners when they see how much money they spent gambling and also how much time has been spent gambling. 

Its not a pleasant experience for either partner but its a necessary one as addiction lives off secrecy and lies. Until the issue is properly out in the open it cant be dealt with. Keep posting on here also for support.

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Posted : 26th August 2020 6:03 pm
Tilly
(@tilly)

know exactly how you feel and i’m in the position now of  seriously leaving.

My husband has always liked a bet, he just used to do it on a Saturday at the bookies on the football, our problems started when he got the online apps.he swore he would be ok with them and i stupidly beleived him, well its turned into a nightmare, we have had massive rows, i’ve excluded him from certain things, he’s set limits, promised me that it’ll stop and i get up this morning and he’s set up a new one!! We’ve had the talks where i’ve said its ms or the gambling etc where he’s promised to get help but done nothing, he guilt trips me saying he has nithi g to live for, i’d be better off without him etc, thats when he’s not telling me its all my fault, its my fault he does it etc etc, i dont feel i can say anything incase it starts him off but whatever i do i cant seem to win. I care about him but i have zero trust in him, how can you stay with someone when thats gone. We own our own house which was bought with a large deposit from inheritence left to me, stupidly i let it be put in both our names and i dont want to loose the house but now if we split i’d either have to try to buy him out or sell, i just dont know what to do, everything is just such a mess but how many times can you forgive someone before you say thats it, its over.

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Posted : 30th August 2020 11:19 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi Tilly. Unfortunately your husband is behaving as you would expect for a compulsive gambler who is not ready to stop. When my husband found out about my addiction I spilled everything out as I wanted to stop for a while but I just couldn't I was caught in a sickening spiral that I couldn't get out of. I still believed I could gamble my way out of trouble and then stop ! Looking back from 3 months in recovery with a clearer mind I know that that was total stupidity, but that's how it gets you. Even when I did win a decent amount of money I gambled more.....why do you think that happens....because it's not actually about the money. It's an addiction just like alcoholism and drug addiction and there is no magic cure, but if he wants to stop there is lots of help and advice that can be given. I wish you all the best

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Posted : 30th August 2020 5:27 pm
Tilly
(@tilly)

This is what i dont understand, he knows he has a problem and has said he has a problem but refuses to give up, he does for a few weeks but then back to square one, is he just taking me for a fool and saying what he thinks i want to hear?

I get its an addiction and i’ve been willing to help thats why its so hard to know whether to stay or go, if we talk is he just going to promise what he has in the past then do nothing about it.

He doesnt gamble everyday, just week ends but i’m sick of checking mobile banking app all the time, its no marriage when you dont trust them, we were happy until he got these.

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Posted : 30th August 2020 5:45 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Ok a couple of things you can do . Ask him is he serious about quitting? If he says he is ..... 1 There are ways of blocking all access to uk based websites and ways of self exclusion from bookies. 2 You could take control of finances..no money no gambling. I have done both these things and blocking access to websites has been a gamechanger for me. Not everyone will do the 2nd one if he won't you can get accounts that do not allow gambling transactions such as monzo . I had no problem turning over finances as my husband is fair about shopping money and money for clothes for me and son etc, would have been a problem if he was funny with money. The other thing is is that these things are only tools to stop you gambling not a cure. Once you've stopped gambling your mind starts to clear and heal. I did 8 sessions of counselling and now I'm going to GA meetings ...am I cured? No...as with drugs/ alcohol abstinence has to be lifelong there is no cure. But with help to change abstinence I hope will be lifelong I will do everything possible to keep it so. Living with a compulsive gambler is hell also living as a compulsive gambler is hell I'm living a cleaner better life no lying , secrets, no deceit...I'm happier calmer more stable. Hope that helps a bit, good luck

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Posted : 30th August 2020 6:16 pm
Tilly
(@tilly)

Thank you so much for your reply, i’ve heard of the sites to stop access to sites, gamstop i think it is and i really think if i could get him to agree to this then it would be a game changer, i’m sure his unhappiness, depression comes from his gambling and i think if he had no means to going in them things could get better.

 

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Posted : 30th August 2020 6:23 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Yes gamstop is the one I use, there are various lengths of time you can choose 5years is the max, then you can sign up again. Use gamstop for yourself as well, I used my husband's details to open accounts, unfortunately gambling makes you lose your morals. I'm grateful that things are coming back to me the longer I abstain

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Posted : 30th August 2020 7:47 pm
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