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Rachel 2015
(@rachel-2015)

Hi, my fiancé has a Gambling problem. I can’t talk to family and friends as I am afraid they will judge and not understand. This week he went on a three day gambling binge. He has been away on a course and every night has gambled, and on Thursday when he was meant to come home he chose to stay out and gambling till early hour instead of coming home to me.  I’m not sure how much he has gambled but somewhere I think between £500 and £1000. I think I am very understanding and supportive of his Gambling I try not to make him feel like s**t after as I know he regrets it every time he has done it. However My worry this time is we are going through a bit of a tough time at the moment, I admit I’m not completely blameless and can nag a little Well probably a lot, ’our argument are not gambling based’ but he has justified his Gambling based on my behaviours. I now feel like s**t, I know I am not to blame for his choices and that he only defends himself this way because he can’t face what he has done. but this is what worries me. 

 

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Posted : 19th October 2019 8:18 am
MRoberts
(@mroberts)

Hi Rachel,

You can not blame yourself in any way.

I'm a compulsive gambler and no matter how hard things get with me and my partner I could never blame her for my gambling actions. I could have used it as an excuse to make myself better but it wouldn't be true.

Your partner needs to admit and realise that he has a problem and he can't drag you down with it. I think you need to have a serious chat with him and explain that you will fully support him but he can't shift the blame.

You can't have your life ruined by someone else's actions, and if they aren't prepared to change or admit the problem you might need to walk away. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th October 2019 12:21 pm
silee70
(@silee70)

Hello, you are absolutely correct as it is not your fault at all. As a problem gambler I remember trying to pin everything on something/someone else but in truth it was me and only me.  Take care.

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Posted : 19th October 2019 1:35 pm
jimblob
(@jimblob)

Don't bring yourself down and do not blame yourself based on his actions.

The first step for your fiance is to admit he has an illness towards gambling to others not just you, such as his family.

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Posted : 19th October 2019 2:37 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Rachael and Welcome.

Im afraid that you are along for teh hellride on the most dangerous addiction I know. The gambling feeling is stronger than relationships. It eats relationships for breakfast and then moves swiftly though homelessness, isolation, bankruptcy, total ruin and suicidal thoughts.

You alse need deep breaths and if you are to stay you need to approach this in a born again way. You seem to be shielding him from the reality checks. Of course family and friends wont understand ...why would they until they also realise that it is a drug addiction? Why are you scared of them?..they may be essential help and support in this matter

You need to inform him again that gambling is not acceptable to you. If you have no security you have no relationship....you are soft soaping him which is understandable but its doing him no favours...he will just have another slice of cake as it spirals downwards.

Gambling is his drug of escape and his cruel mistress which are only destroying him. It has altered his mind for his naughty fixes.

It wont let him go easily and thats why he is defending himself. You can see the mess but he is defending himself...the addiction doesnt see reality clearly...it doesnt see the bank statement and the misery of partners....it wants fixes and anything else is disposable including his own life

I dont know you but if you are a shrinking violet its time to toughen up as long as you are safe with it. You need to protect yourself financially and then you may be able to help if he is fully ready to stop. Again Im afraid that the addition needs to know there are consequences to his actions because losing all his money wont snap him out of it.

It rarely does with addicted gamblers...obviously the major problem there is that food and shelter need money.

Im not saying he is a bad or horrible person. I am saying that you are living with an addict and you need your eyes wide open from now on. You need knowledge strength and some would say distance from this.

It isnt your fault so please remember that. However you may need counselling and the support of family and friends

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 1 month ago 2 times by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th October 2019 6:55 pm
Rachel 2015
(@rachel-2015)

Thanks for the word of encouragement from everyone, good to not be alone in this. Even though you know it’s not your fault, you feel a sense of responsibility. I am independently financially secure so I don’t have worries there. Luckily His decisions don’t effect me financially just emotionally. We have are constantly taking steps to stop the gambling. He is banned from all online gambling, and all local betting shops. I can track him on my phone, this way he can’t hide when he has done it. We need to try and constantly stay one step ahead of the triggers to when he is vulnerable, this is when he is tired, been away, or had a lot of emotional issues to deal with around his work. He still has two more courses to Attend, so I have told him next time he must take just enough cash for the three days and his cards must stay at home. He has agreed. He does want to stop, it really scarred me this time as he has never blamed me before. 

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Posted : 20th October 2019 10:27 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear @rachel-2015,

Thank you for posting on the Forum and for opening up about how you're feeling due to your partners problem gambling and other contributing factors around you and your relationship. 

It's good that you are talking things through with your partner, we would also recommend reaching out to anyone you trust within an additional support network you may have around you.

Perhaps some talk therapy sessions together may help you both with the tough time you mentioned you're going through in a previous post. It may be beneficial to make an appointment with your GP to see if they can arrange this for you. We can also make a referral to one of our treatment partners in your local area if you would like support sessions with them?

This also applies to your partner if he hasn't already explored this pathway for additional help with his gambling.

Please do continue to keep accessing our wonderful support network within the Forum and feel free to join our group chat room that opens twice a day from 1pm until 2pm and then again at 8pm until 9pm.

Overcoming problem gambling is challenging, however, it can be achieved and many people do go on to become gamble free. It often starts with the person admitting they have a problem to themselves and others, reaching out for help and working to change their relationship with gambling. This involves making life style changes and putting coping strategies in place along with other things such as knowing any triggers, understanding why they want to gamble and what the consequences are on them, their life and any loved ones (affected others) if they do.

Please remember that you are not to blame for the gambling and that you are never alone in this. We're here for both you and your partner, if you would like to talk further in a one on one telephone call or netline conversation, please call 0808 8020 133 or access the netline through our GamCare website.

You are very important too, we always urge you to practice good self care and to look after yourself whilst supporting your partner. Don't be afraid to put firm boundaries in place, this doesn't mean you aren't supporting your partner, it means you don't support the gambling but you do support him and his recovery. It's good to hear you're financially secure, remember to protect your emotional wellbeing too.

Sending you all the best,

Kindest Regards

Joanne

Forum Admin

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th October 2019 11:57 am
Tilly
(@tilly)

I feel in exactly the same situation, my husband constantly lies saying he has put restrictions in place to limit the amount he spends, blames me saying i put him under pressure. He doesn’t gamble during week its just come the weekend, i’ve asked him to self exclude which he wont, he said to give him a chance and he will limit it to £30, he hasn’t. I’m seriously thinking of calling it quits and leaving him, i just dont know what else to do

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Posted : 20th October 2019 3:24 pm
Rachel 2015
(@rachel-2015)

Hi Tilly

Hope you are ok, sounds like life pretty hard at the moment for you as well. My Fiancé has self excluded online we have net nanny also. I feel It is like have a naughty child that needs constant watching. It’s exhausting. Take care Rachel

ReplyQuote
Posted : 21st October 2019 12:38 pm
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