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Twiggy
(@twiggy)

Hiya,

I found this website from an NHS video about gambling addiction. I’ve been with my boyfriend for eleven years in January. As far as I know he hasn’t gambled previously in our relationship but I’m not naive enough to say there’s no chance. 

In April he got a reasonable chunk of inheritance. Around July he started playing instant win games on his phone. Two weeks ago I found out he’d spent at least 10k on the credit card on slot machines. I only found out as I needed to give our mortgage broker our financials as it’s time to remortgage. 

When I found out he hadn’t gambled for three weeks. As far as I know he hasn’t since I found out either, and he has been completely open with showing me his banking. Other than the house we have no financial ties to one another, and I’ve always sorted everything so I know he’d have no clue who our mortgage is even with, let alone how to try and access money from it or anything. 

I don’t know how best to support him through this. We cleared the credit card debt he’d racked up with the remainder of his inheritance money and so other than avoiding new gambling debt we’re out of the woods in that regard. 

My Dad is an depressive alcoholic and has been all his life. I love him dearly but have watched him rip his own life apart, losing contact with my siblings, sending my mum into a mental breakdown, and he’s currently in the process of ruining his second marriage with exactly the same behaviours. I will not stay if my boyfriend is intent on self-destruction and I will not be dragged down in vain hopes he will recover if it doesn’t seem like he will. 

I’m concerned about addiction transference as he’s always liked a drink but he seems to be drinking more since I found out. Tonight he’s drank the best part of a bottle of whiskey, lied and said he didn’t buy it today (I know he did) and punched a hole in a door when confronted about it.

I love him, and I want to help him, but I don’t know how best to.  I don’t know how many chances I can give him it’s in my nature to give second chances but no more than that.

He doesn’t want to tell his family, as he says he’s embarrassed, which I understand. My concern is whether being complicit in carrying on the facade is going to be helpful or not. 

Sorry. This is more of a stream of consciousness than any particular issue but I just feel so lost, and so hurt, and so scared for what comes next.

 

Quote
Posted : 19th December 2020 3:25 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear Twiggy, 

Thank you for joining our forum to share what is going on for you. You sound very supportive of your boyfriend but at the same time you share some fears, which are totally understandable. We offer support and help to your boyfriend, if he wants the help at anytime. We also offer plenty of support and help to you too, as you are being affected by what is going on. We are here 24/7 for one to one conversations on our Livechat or Helpline.  Please try to look after yourself, as it will be up to your boyfriend to take any actions to help  with his gambling when he feels ready. In the meantime, it is important to look after your finances, feel free to talk to us about this area.

Best Wishes 

Fiona 

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th December 2020 4:17 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi Twiggy

It may help you to have a look on www.gam-anon.org.uk.  It is a Fellowship for families and friends who are affected by the problem gambler.

You will find a list of meetings, however, bear in mind that many meetings are currently taking place on Zoom due to the current situation with Covid.

All the very best

Amanda

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th December 2020 6:09 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi Twiggy

i would look at everything regarding codependent and enabling. You have 2 addicts in your life.

yes I think they go from one addiction to another, it’s all addiction just a different substance. It’s all about escaping and not wanting to feel, not taking responsibility, hiding emotionally etc.

If you find anymore debts don’t pay them. This allows them to get more credit.

you can protect yourself financially regarding the mortgage, tenants in common, this protects your share .

credit reports will show you cards and accounts, there are 3 agencies.

he should sign up to gamstop, he can show you the email once he’s done it. 5 years. This is only online uk websites that have signed up for it, so not ALL websites. There are software to download to gadgets, gamban.

access to money is normally an issue. 

please protect yourself and don’t be afraid to tell or confide in others. This is all unacceptable behaviour, lay some boundaries and stick to them. 
Gamanon is a great place to get some real support. Online meetings.

ive rushed this reply as I’m off to work, sorry if it sounds ‘to the point’

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th December 2020 8:01 am
smbyrne2003
(@smbyrne2003)

Hi twiggy. 

 

Firstly it's amazing that your willing to share this with us. I can kinda relate to what your partner is going through. Im a recovering addict to gambling and the lies and deceit is awful but should never be shown along with anger. Thankfully for me anger was never really an issue. It seems that your stuck on what you should do. Being completely honest I got 1 chance with my partner once I was caught out. There was no negotiating and no more chances. She had to think about herself and her family no matter how much she loved me and I think you need to do the same. If he is not willing to seek help or open up regardless of how embarrassing it feels then he really doesn't want to stop. I know this sounds harsh but I feel its the only reason I truly wanted to stop because losing my partner and family that's one gamble I wasn't willing to take. I hope you take from this what you need and really hope that it can be helpful for you. I hope you hacmve a good and safe Xmas. All the best

Sean xxx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th December 2020 1:05 pm
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