Hello, I hope this might help you because the advice needed is for you, not him.
From a gamblers point of view, the advice suggested is that he(or she) comes clean to their partner if they haven't already. It's suggested that the tell them everything and not leave any secrets that may give excuses for relapsing down the road. It's also said that the only responsibility is to tell the partner everything, not to worry about how it will affect that person. It's not about not caring but the purpose of the exercise is to get the weight of the secrets and lies off their shoulders and start being honest, one of the cornerstones of recovery and abstinence.
Now, if we switch the advice to you, your responsibility is to be honest with him. This is for your benefit so that you don't carry this secret that's clearly getting you down. How he reacts or deals with it isn't up to you. You can deal with it afterwards. He may not be honest, he may make excuses or turn it on you for seeing his statement. The fact is he's in your house and potentially his actions could affect you.
If it means taking a look at your relationship then better now rather than a broken marriage and two kids later, which if he has a gambling problem is where left unchecked, he'll be heading! I would also download the twenty questions from the GA website to give him something to think about. If he says it's not a problem that's fine, but at least the subject has been broached for a future conversation should it become a problem.
All the best,
Thanks everyone for sharing their advice. It's good to hear opinions from both perspectives. Been trying to drop hints (not specifically about gambling) around finances and joint accounts etc. which he instantly got defensive about and said we'd have to have our own accounts for personal spends... Had I not known about the gambling this wouldn't be an issue and I'd have agreed, but I feel like now this is just a way to continue hiding thee problem.I'm not sure whether I should mention it to a member of his family so they can help, or whether I should just keep this to myself and find a way to work through it. Just feel very isolated and not sure what I should do for the best. I've spoken with the Gamcare helpline who've organised some councilling sessions, so hopefully these will help, but for now I don't know what to do.
Hi Fran please remember this is not your fault and it is not for you to fix him. This is about protecting yourself. If he's running up debts and taking loans to gamble this could be far worse than you have seen from one bank statement.
You might have to wait for counselling but if you want help today you need to act.
A compulsive gambler is not a bad person but when they are in the grip of addiction you cannot reason with them. As you've said he is defensive and secretive about his finances.
there are a few things you can do. Look at your own credit report, sign up to gamstop so he can't gamble in your name. Safeguard your accounts and keep your cards safe. Make sure he pays his share of household expenses and outgoings.
You are not alone, there is 'live' help online. I have been in your shoes, I was married with kids, no job, when I found out my husband had gambled all our money, credit cards to the max, and loans. It didn't matter what I did he didn't stop and carried on secretly. I had to get ongoing help and support for myself.
@merry-go-round apprecoate you opening up and sharing your own experiences. It's comforting to know there are many others out there going through the same.
Can I ask is your husband still gambling or how you've overcome it?
I go to Gamanon meetings, online now. My husband went to GA for a while. He gambled for maybe 30 years. Only when he handed over all money and access to bank accounts, cash with a receipt to the penny, did he stop.
once you realise you cannot fix them and to look after yourself, get support will things change
I really hope you can work out what is best for you to do and what keeps you safe and secure, I'm compulsive and wasted so much money on gambling, well my partner went mad when she found out but off course I never stopped I chose gambling over my family so many times just cause someone knows doesn't mean you will stop. Only you know how to confront your partner but could you not say you opened the statement by mistake as I do this all the time even with my daughters post, merry go round is so right in saying you've got to be in control off all money as in the space off one night gambling you could end up £20000 in debt and that's the truth, the quicker you can get this out in the open the better but as I said only you know how your partner will react but remember your not the one in the wrong
It's such a difficult one... I feel guilty for looking at the statement, but on the other hand I know I'd never have done it if I didn't have a hunch or suspicion something wasn't right.
What did it take for you to realise you needed to change or stop? My fear is not being able to trust him anymore and constantly worrying if he's still gambling.
We don't share bank accounts so I can't keep an eye or take control of money. He's also made it very clear that if we ever did have joint finances, he's have a separate account to for his own personal spends. Obviously this would be completely normal if there wasn't a gambling problem
look at it in a different way. And ask yourself the same question again
if you saw a text message on your partners phone or a love note that was sent to your partner and you read the text or letter and realised there is a chance of him playing away would you still not approach the subject or would you drop hints to see if he comes clean.
i know I’ve gone about that in a different way but in reality it’s all the same. Yes it’s his money and his life but as everyone says gambling addiction is very selfish addiction. Only you know your partner and how he would react. But you never have to say you saw the bank account. You could say you have a gut feeling something is wrong you don’t have to approach the subject of gambling that’s up to him to speak up.
at some point you have to bite the bullet. If you have a good bond between you both he will understand in time. He will be angry of course he will cause he’s being challenged. And basically his world will turn upside down Because he would of kept it quite for so long.
again only you know what’s best for yourself to act on. But I think deep down you need To approach the subject. But if he came to you next week and said he needs to borrow x amount of money because..... what would you say or be thinking then. You know why he doesn’t have money. Would you be in a situation to bail him out etc.
keep us all updated we are only here to help you. And to give you the best advice we can possibly give