New to forum

Dear @confused03

Thank you for coming to the forum and for sharing your story. 

I am sorry to hear what you are going through with your husband's gambling problem. 

Can I suggest that you contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the support that is available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare Helpline Advisers.

Take care

Best wishes

Sallie

Forum Admin

Hello Confused03,

Welcome to the forum. You are not alone. There are lots of people here who will be able to relate to your situation. The effects of problem gambling can be really tough on those closest to a gambling addict. 

The difficulty is that your husband has to want to give up. It needs to come from him really in order for him to stop. You can suggest he looks at this site or GA and you can tell him how you feel the gambling is affecting you both, but only he can make the decision to stop.  

There is support available for you. You can ring the Gamcare advisers or message them if you prefer, to talk things through. They can also give you access to counselling for yourself. There are friends and family chatrooms on here too where you can talk to others in similar situations.

Try to protect any finances that you  have from your husband. Change passwords etc. 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this horrible situation. I know how tough it can be. Protect yourself and reach out for help through here. Keep posting. 

Take care.

J 

Posted by: Jess27

Hello Confused03,

Welcome to the forum. You are not alone. There are lots of people here who will be able to relate to your situation. The effects of problem gambling can be really tough on those closest to a gambling addict. 

The difficulty is that your husband has to want to give up. It needs to come from him really in order for him to stop. You can suggest he looks at this site or GA and you can tell him how you feel the gambling is affecting you both, but only he can make the decision to stop.  

There is support available for you. You can ring the Gamcare advisers or message them if you prefer, to talk things through. They can also give you access to counselling for yourself. There are friends and family chatrooms on here too where you can talk to others in similar situations.

Try to protect any finances that you  have from your husband. Change passwords etc. 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this horrible situation. I know how tough it can be. Protect yourself and reach out for help through here. Keep posting. 

Take care.

J 

Thanks for the reply. The first time when I discovered he was gambling & in debt, he seemed really sorry for what he had done (we had only been married 2 years then). So we agreed that I would check his accounts online every so often (once a month) so I could make sure he wasn't up to his old tricks. Things went well for about a year & then eventually I stopped checking because I stupidly thought he had overcome his addiction. But since that time I have caught him out several times & now he doesn't even seem sorry or remorseful. When he talks he is defiant. He says it's his money & he can do what he likes with it. It's so stupid because it's not his money...he is going into overdraft and using the bank's money & is constantly in debt. Every time he pays off the debt, he gets into another debt! I don't understand why anyone would want to live their life this way. He has never managed to buy anything big for himself so clearly is not making profit from the gambling. He has a good job so I don't even know why he feels the need to gamble. We are not struggling. If he hadn't been gambling the last 8 years we could have easily had enough to put a deposit down & buy a house. Instead we are renting and have moved 4 times in that time...I feel like life is going round in circles with him. We are never moving forward.

I worked hard for 18 years & I have a buy to let property which is almost all paid off for. I could have easily sold that house & brought another house in this time but being married to a gambler means it is not worth it. I can't keep carrying him & making life easy for him.

I have sent him website links etc but he just chose to ignore them all. Every time we have an argument about his gambling, he improves for a week or two and then goes back to normal. Has his head stuck in his mobile or laptop gambling away. I honestly feel like a single parent...he contributes nothing to our relationship. All he does is go to work & gambles..I look after the kids, do the cooking, shopping & cleaning.

It must be so frustrating for you. It is so hard for us non-gamblerst to understand but I think it gets to the stage where it's not really about the money for them. It's the adrenaline rush from the act of gambling.  It's an addiction that gets progressively worse too as a gambler will raise the stakes to continue getting that rush. 

The money lost is so hard to come to terms with. My husband lost tens of thousands over the years and I often think of what we could have had instead. 

The difficulty is, he has to want to stop and be committed to abstaining. 

Try not to make things too easy for him. Protect your own finances and make sure he pays his own debts. 

J

Posted by: Jess27

It must be so frustrating for you. It is so hard for us non-gamblerst to understand but I think it gets to the stage where it's not really about the money for them. It's the adrenaline rush from the act of gambling.  It's an addiction that gets progressively worse too as a gambler will raise the stakes to continue getting that rush. 

The money lost is so hard to come to terms with. My husband lost tens of thousands over the years and I often think of what we could have had instead. 

The difficulty is, he has to want to stop and be committed to abstaining. 

Try not to make things too easy for him. Protect your own finances and make sure he pays his own debts. 

J

I think initially I kept paying for things like all the kid's stuff (clothes, cot, pushchair etc), holidays we went on, his clothes, my clothes etc because I thought that would ease money worries for him & make him less inclined to gamble. But instead what it seems to have done is make him have more money to use towards his gambling.

Now I am not working & have stopped paying for these things. I don't know if it will make a difference. The worst thing is he doesn't even appreciate or acknowledge all I've done over the years. 

He has never brought anything nice for the kids (the odd occasional small toy) once in a blue moon. Yes I can buy them things from our joint account which he puts money into but it's not the same as him wanting to buy them things because he saw something he thinks they may like...my daughter says to me quite often "Mummy you're good because you buy all my clothes and toys". This makes me feel sad that even my 5 year old can see who is the one who is making all the effort.

Yesterday he got sent a replacement credit card (as the old one expired). He said to me previously he was no longer using this card. So I said to him can I cut it up and throw it away. He asked why. I said because you no longer use that card, that's what you said so why do you need it...his response was something along the lines of don't be clever...

I'm so tired of living with someone who is like a child. I feel like I have to constantly babysit him & also be a private detective at the same time just to know what is going on...

Next year we are planning to move (currently renting a family owned property)..if he has a bad credit rating, will he even be able to rent a flat for us??

So sorry that you are having to deal with all this  stress and worry. I think for a gambler, any finances become gambling money.

When my husband was gambling, he showed little interest in doing up the house or spending money on the children. Now that he has stopped, I think one of his biggest regrets is the lost years of quality time with the children. They both have a much closer relationship with me which I think is partly because I was there for them more. 

It might be worth you ringing the helpline to get support for yourself. There is access to counselling  for you I think if that would help. There is also a friends and family chatroom where you can talk to other members in a similar position.

J x