Hi we have a 10 month old baby and I’m currently on maternity leave and my partner was made redundant towards the end of last year. Our finances are really vulnerable and I’ve been struggling to pay the rent bills and groceries since he was made redundant. It came out that he wasted his 3k redundancy payment on online poker and poker at the casino and we nearly broke up as a result of this. However as the baby was so little I decided to forgive him. However I recently logged into his bank account because he has been borrowing money from his friends and family and I was shocked to see that all of his wages which he had earned from temping over Xmas - about £1.5k he had again spent on online poker. I was just so shocked and angry. Especially as I’ve been struggling to meet the priority bills like rent and gas and electric and council tax. As we claim universal credit while I’m on maternity leave this nearly came to the point that I would not have been able to pay the rent and would have been penniless. Since I found this on his bank account I have registered as a single mum and said that he needs to move out because he is jeopardising our security. I gave him a choice of stopping the poker and getting treatment and I would support him. But he refuses to believe he has a gambling problem. He just says that he got carried away and uses all of these poker terms like “bank roll management”
he is adamant that he won’t stop poker entirely and asks me if we can’t have a compromise. However I feel like it’s gone past that stage now as I’ve been begging him to cut back on poker for years or stick to a affordable limit.
I love him and I know he loves me and our daughter although his actions are not reflecting this. He is good with her and an affectionate dad. But I’m tired of always being in financial difficulties and wondering how I’m going to make bills and outgoings. I felt I had reached a real low the other day because I had to go to our local council to ask for food vouchers. I actually think I would be more financially stable as a single parent but it breaks my heart to ask him to move out and separate.
I don’t think I could ever be sure that he would be able to manage the poker even if we did reach a compromise. He is obsessed with it, has the books to study poker, watches the pros playing on you tube. I think he thinks he could be a professional. He just wastes all his time on his laptop playing poker when he should be spending it with us. It has caused countless arguments and upset. We’ve been together for 5 years and he was playing poker for at least the past 20 years I think. His family are aware of this but I think they believe he’s an adult and he needs to help himself. Even if he has won a big amount in the past he never does anything good with it, just wastes it. He has a history of bad debts and payday loans etc. We’re always broke and i want a better life for me and my baby. I do love him but I’m not sure if things can improve.
i would appreciate any advice
thanks
I too used to have online poker as my hobby, I used to play it when off work. I didn't study the game but got really into it and it is really addictive. I went from spending a very small amount to five hundred a month on it. One thing that made me realise was when a player I was playing against said "why are u playing We are all professional poker players here and you've lost 8000 dollars" I said how do you know that, and there's sharkscope which players use to look up username to see how much they've lost or won. Now that was a big wake up call for me I looked it up and there it was 8000 pounds lost.... However I just changed my username and started again as I was so addicted. When I finally lost a thousand in one month I thought that's it I'm rubbish at poker u never win so find a new hobby and get help.... I came to this site in 2015 and it took me three years to get all the blocks in place (now u can just sign up to gamstop which stops you registering online) I also started to go to different places to gamble like casinos (join sense scheme so u can't go in any UK casino), there's a phone number to exclude from loc bookies as I started using them, then the last avenue I used was pubs, now pub poker was better as it was a five pound game once a week but I started playing three times a week and using the fruit machines in the pubs. ... So now I've stopped everything, ... It can be done if u find new hobbies... I keep a spreadsheet of finances an in 2019 I spent only 140 pounds gambling and 10 months between. Aug 2018 and may 2019 gamble free.. Then on mg birthday I played pub poker and got back into it till December 2nd then from then on 76 days I haven't gambled at all.... Its very addictive but if u get help here it can be done and with gamstop in place now it is a lot easier to remain gamble free. Good luck I hope this helps.
Hi Adam thanks for taking the time to reply. It helps to hear your point of view. Please can you tell me the actual name of where he can look up to see the amounts he has lost so far with his user name ? Thank you! Is it just called shark scope and is it free to use? Thanks
Life with an active gambler is hell as you've discovered.
He's told you he doesn't want to give up and as that's the case he's going to continue to prioritise gambling over you, rent, food and the baby. Nothing will change until he's ready to stop and take the measures he needs to to block his routes to gambling. That could be tomorrow or never.
Switch your focus from him and concentrate on what you and the baby want need and deserve. A gambler who won't give up can't provide it.
Thank you, that’s helpful to hear your thoughts. This is what I’m leaning towards. I suppose I was hoping it could be contained as it was fairly contained level before we had the baby and he got made redundant but from there everything has gotten much worse. And I’m wondering how many chances to give this guy if he doesn’t learn from wasting his redundancy money he then blows his recent wages immediately without considering the consequences on his family.
Hi Chanty - It's an addiction, he will likely feel remove/guilt/anger with himself until the little voice comes back into his head. He needs to face up to the gambling habit, with or without you as it doesnt end happily.
Thank you. I think that’s what I am trying to understand- that it is an addiction. He has been so convincing at describing it as a hobby, or passion and has been functioning with it for so long, it’s like it has become normal in our house. I’m only starting to realise that it is an addiction even if he doesn’t think it is. He says that poker is a game of skill etc etc but I do believe he’s addicted. I can’t get my head around how much money he has wasted online so quickly. I suppose he has only been able to function so long because I’ve been taking care of the rent and bills etc so things go on as “normal” as such. But it has scared me on maternity leave when money is so tight that we have come so close to financial emergency, nearly unable to pay rent and scraping around to afford food with my sister helping me etc. Even when we were both working ft we were always short and now I understand why. I wish I could separate him from the poker as he is a caring guy but I suppose I will have to go with my head on this One. Even if I give him yet another chance I don’t suppose he can control it and it will flare up again at some point.
Hi yeah its been a long time since I used it but think its called sharkscope. Its free to look up a couple of usernames then costs after that. Hope it helps him see the reality like I did.
Hi Chanty and Welcome to the forum.
I will get straight to it....You are in love with a drug addict for gambling. You can not let this be a blind love as gambling will destroy you all.
You need to tell him that gambling is NOT acceptable to you..even a sniff of gambling is NOT acceptable to you
Ive been a problem gambler and I wouldnt live with one. He needs help and he has to be ready for that help
If he is ready he will immediately hand all control of money to you and feel a serenity that he is getting some help....he doesnt sound ready from what you say
He needs ultimatums and he needs reality checks. Im afraid its no time to be a shrinking violet...the bottom line is he gets serious help or you will be off. He lives on a sandwich allowance and gets out there working for the baby or you will be off!! It will build his character
Living with an active gambler will give you no security or peace of mind ....you may as well pin a sign to the door saying come in and take what you want. Im not saying he in inherently bad...I am saying he has an extremely dangerous addiction
he needs help and direction...get him out there for a second job. You can not trust him as he heals...you may never fully trust him again but that is better than a gambling illness that will destroy him and take you on the trainride to pure hell.
You will need a support network...can you talk to your mum as a start? You will build knowledge and stength as you learn more about this. With the greatest respect you have a lot to learn about the sheer power of a gambling addiction
Youve got a job on and youve got some decisions to make......its your decision because none of this is your fault.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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