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Han
 Han
(@han)

Hi, I read your post and can empathise. I’ve spent the past three weeks since my partner came clean feeling every emotion under the sun. I seem to switch from angry to hurt to frustrated to sad. I fee like someone flicked a switch and turned off my positive feelings towards my partner. Things he does that usually make me smile or laugh now seem to irritate me and I’ve found myself being snappy and bitchy which I know is because I’m hurting. 
I started gamcare counselling on Thursday which I found really helpful. I am also using this forum but remembering to filter the advice as these people don’t know my partner and I have been advised to leave him which I don’t want to do and want to fight for my relationship first.

i find myself watching when he is on his phone as he lost all money on phone slots and even though I know there are blocks on The phone which I have the PIN number for, I still worry.

like you, I need to give him time to prove he can change rather than keep punishing him for something he can’t change. The past few days have been better and we have actually laughed a few times and things are less tense and the atmosphere is improving. 
I hope you find counselling helpful and wish you lots of luck and that you have lots of support and love around you x

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Posted : 13th December 2020 10:29 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hey guys, you both need time to process all this and for both of you it's very recent. Advice given on here should be " this is how I did things and this worked, this didn't " people sometimes say things well meaning but it doesn't always come across like that to the people suffering . For you 2 the proof will be your partners living a gamble free life. You have to put in the hard work and you have to be transparent to prove to people that you are living gamble free. Keeping finances to yourself for me is still keeping secrets which feeds addiction.....there will be people who disagree but my peace of mind and my increasing self esteem comes from not hiding anything anymore. My husband still questions me occasionally I don't get offended I've nothing to hide. Just to make you feel better I think you should ask yourselves the question " how long does it take others to forgive their partners, trust their partners? "  Do you think my husband trusts me ? Has forgiven me ? The answer to both even 6 months down the line is NO, no one size fits all and you must give yourselves the time and space you need. But I don't need his forgiveness or trust to move forward what I need is confidence in myself that I'm doing the right thing. Is his hurt any worse than the hurt he's caused me over the years?? I'm moving forward guys I hope both your partners move forward to. But please don't put undue pressure on yourselves you are both raw and have kids that you are trying to keep normality for. Use the counselling to really get things off your chest and then you can find your own way forward with your partners or without your partners. Hope you both find a way, I'll always be sorry for the distress and destruction I caused but I won't let it stop me now from doing the right thing. Time away from gambling has shown me.......Gambling is never the answer

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Posted : 13th December 2020 11:52 am
Lethe
(@lethe)

It's all too easy to become consumed by what they're doing and whether it will happen again but the fact is if he's intent on doing it again there's nothing you can do or say to stop him. He's the only one who can do that.

If you've got full control of the finances including access to all three credit report agencies, and are in the process of transferring savings and assets into your sole name you've done as much to protect yourself as you can.

If you can't provide any more support to him than this, it's fine. I needed all my energy and focus for me and what I had to do. He can find support via Gamcare and GA.  You also don't have to demonstrate faith or trust until you're ready which may never happen and that's something he has to live with.

This post was modified 1 month ago by Lethe
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Posted : 13th December 2020 12:26 pm
TwiceFooled
(@twicefooled)

Hi All,

Thank you for all your feedback.  

We’ve all had different journeys with this gambling addiction as partners.  I don’t judge people on what their opinions are as everyone is entitled to it.  Everyone also have different factors that affects whether they want to keep staying with their partners or not.  

My intention of keeping this diary is 1. For me to have an outlet to write down my feelings, 2. To get some perspective from other people in the same situation as me. 3. To have a record of this moment in my life and what I have and am going through, 4. For my husband to hopefully read this and truly see the damage his addiction has caused, causing, and will cause if he doesn’t stop. 

My husband and I have gone through many things outside of gambling that most couples will not survive.  I choose to keep my family together because I love him, I love my children, and I haven’t lost hope that he can and he will change.  Now I am not under any illusions that this may not happen, and if it doesn’t and he continuous to succumb to this addiction, then I have no choice but walk away as my children comes first.  

I told my husband that because of his addiction it may very well be I will be the one controlling the finances our whole lives.  He knows that I don’t trust him regarding money, and he knows he has to accept this set up.  He is saying the right things,  and seem to be doing what we agreed on as far as gamstop, gamcare, and counseling.  There is no guarantee in life.  None of us know what the future brings.  Just because it didn’t work out for some people doesn’t mean it won’t work out for others. 

I am doing this with open eyes and because of this I do have a lot of anxieties.  I write things down here because maybe someone somewhere feels the same, and maybe by writing it down they may feel they are not alone.

I wish everyone the very best, and I am so grateful for all the advice especially regarding protecting my finances.  

 

 

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Posted : 13th December 2020 12:47 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Yes absolutely lethe, it is up to the gambler to get support from tried and tested routes like GA. GA now is what propels me forward. And as you rightly say...I'm fully prepared that my husband may neither trust or forgive me and that's ok no one can control what someone else thinks. What I can control is my recovery and staying away from that first bet / gamble whatever you call it because after that first time for a compulsive gambler the control has gone

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Posted : 13th December 2020 12:47 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Yes TF keeping the diary is a really good idea writing down how you feel reading it back keeps you grounded. I read my diary back seeing what a state I was in and what a state of got my family into is 1 look how far I've come 2 a stark reminder that I don't want to ever go back there !! One day your diary may have the same effect on your husband, being very open with my husband now and him being brutally honest with me serves for us to both understand more from both sides of the harm addiction causes. Your post shows that your eyes are wide open now, don't get lulled into a false sense of security with this and you will be fine.

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Posted : 13th December 2020 12:59 pm
TwiceFooled
(@twicefooled)

Another one of those days.  Another day gambling free for my husband.  I hope it continues.

In the last few days I’ve been listening to this song by fleetwood Mac.  The lyrics I can relate to especially in my current situations  

I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too
Oh! I'm getting older too
Oh-oh, take my love, take it down
Oh-oh, climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide bring it down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide bring it down
Oh-ohh, the landslide bring it down

 

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Posted : 15th December 2020 2:29 pm
Lou x
(@lou-x)

Hi i just wanted to pop by and say im glad your husband appears to be making an effort to change and he is gamble free today. 

You sound like a very supportive wife but have also set the boundaries which is good.

I really wish your family a positive gamble free future together xx

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Posted : 15th December 2020 3:22 pm
TwiceFooled
(@twicefooled)

5 days before Christmas.  With everything that is going around the world, I am grateful my family is at home safe, healthy, and gamble free.  

I do still feel anxiety some days where I think of all the actions and reactions my husband used to have during the time he was in the grips of this addiction.  I knew something was different, my gut feeling was telling me something wasn't right I just could not pin point it, as I thought we were happy, and content.  Why he would go back to gambling, knowing the toxicity and chaos it brings I would never understand.  

I still don't understand why he would do this kind of damage to the people he loves the most.  To be honest, I probably would never understand as I don't think like him.  I would never gamble my children's livelihood.  I would never risk not having a roof over our head.  

It would be a very very long time before I could trust him with any sort of money.  I will always be checking accounts on a daily basis.  I will always look for clues of when it might be happening again.  Is this life?  It is for now, and I am really hoping that it would not be always like this.  

Hope everyone have a Merry Christmas despite what's going on around us, and most of us not spending it with our families.  Let's look forward to 2021 when we can hopefully go back to normal and spend Christmas with the people we love.

TF

 

 

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Posted : 20th December 2020 1:42 pm
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