Approx a month ago I found out he is gambling again and I confronted him he told me he had a blip it was all under control he has not got a problem and he has not done any damage and I should trust him. He swore on our marriage that he is not gamble since but it was there in front of me black and white that he been doing online gambling . But the trust is yet broken again so I said he needs to move out as I need to protect me and our kids he is looking for somewhere to live he is struggling to find any where due to money I tried supporting him in the pass when he admitted he had a problem then he said he will seek help but he didn't as he said he can do this him self. Last night he came back from his mates and again his been drinking and broke down admitted he lied and he got a problem with gambling he again said I will get help and do anything to stop as he does not want to lose me or the kids I want to support him but not sure I can be with him any more. .....any advice? do you think I am being harsh by not wanting to be with him.
What I can say is for a long time I desperately tried to stop but I was conflicted. A tiny part of me justified my gambling as it was the only thing in life I enjoyed and I went to work. I had no life so kept gambling even though it was slowly destroying me. I don't have children though. My father had 5 children, we all went into care at one stage or another during our childhood. My father never admitted he had a gambling problem either. But I found out my dad never knew who his father was and just before he died of a heart attack at the age of 50, he told me. I know understand where the root of addiction comes from for some. My father grew up without a dad and a very domineering mother who was a borderline sociopath. My issues probably stem from my childhood going from place to place, school to school. I wonder if your husband has something that's happened in his life that he is trying to escape from. I'm not justifying his behaviour and I agree with you that there must be trust if it's going to work out. Sadly addicts are very dishonest. I lied and lied that I wasn't gambling when I was. Hopefully he'll get the help he needs but you can't make him stop. It has to come from him.
Thank you so much for replying to me yes he had a c**P up bringing he didn't have a very nice child hood. I am so confused by this I am having councilling which is helping me but I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions I want to support him but I feel like I need to support myself first as I don't know who I am any more i have no more energy at the moment
Knowledge is strength and you are dealing with the worst addiction I know about.
Simply put you can help when you are protected....you can help when his actions with money cant affect you financially even though you will naturally feel hurt about the mess this addiction creates.
Its a drug addiction and an illness of the mind in craving more of the feelings that will only destroy a person.
Its not your fault but you will gain strength with the advice and help from others. A gam anon meeting would be good as is continuing on this forum
Im not saying he is a bad person but he is addicted to something highly dangerous. It will eat through money faster than anything I know. I dont even think a class A addict gets through that sort of money so fast.
Its an addiction which kills people so unfortunately it doesnt care about wives and children. An addict needs a fix. Its not about the money for most problem gamblers..its about gambling again and the feelings that creates in the brain.
Its your call but its not bad advice to distance yourself financially and geographically. When he is ready he will seek a born again moment and that would involve you looking after ALL money for the ongoing future.
If he is not ready for big steps like that, you cant force him, so its better you dont suffer any more financial worries and losses.
He is not in control of his own mind. Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with a gambler unwilling to start a full recovery and prove it
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thank you I'm so grateful for all advice given here it is an eye opener that's for sure. Just feel numb and I feel I don't have the strength to help him he wants me to sort the help out but personally I think he needs to sort the help out he wants me to be in controll of his money but I have enough to deal with without the extra pressure I know I may sound selfish.
ah but in response to that you MUST have control of ALL the money or it wont work.
A truly recovering gambler will find serenity with that and wont be upset.
Its shouldnt be pressure if you work it well. It simply means that all important transactions are overseen/done by you.....money comes into your account etc. It also means he is on a shirt/sandwich allowance and providing receipts.
Why would he be upset with that as he has shown addiction and no control with money. Losing the trust is NOTHING compared with homelessness divorce bankruptcy prison or death! Its that serious Im afraid. This is no silly game where you man is being a bit silly with money...this is a flat out drug addiction
If he is sullen with that idea he is far from ready. A gambling addiction totally destroys people...the alternatives are a cake walk in comparison to that even though they take work
Its not about traeating him like a baby its about saving his life...Are you clear about that?
If that is an issue then the advice would be to get some space. I do understand that its not easy dealing with the mess a gambling addiction creates.
Its not your fault so Im not being harsh on you. Rule number one is that you protect yourself first and then take a look at it if you wish to
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thank you I don't think what you are saying sounds harsh I am just truely grateful for the advise you have given me as it is helping get my head around it all. It nice talking to someone. I just wish I knew what to do for the best I know only I can decide that but I feel so drained by it all.. I forgive him for eventually telling me the truth about it all. The trust on the other hand is broken. As he promised before he get help I be in control of his money but that lasted a week he didn't get help as said can do it on his own. I found out his gamble again this time even though he said was a blip not got a problem or done any damage then finally admitted to me he has got a problem he wants the help and wants me to be in control of his money but I said to him I need space I still want him to move out he needs to prove to us both that he is going to sort and get help and he got to want to do this for him as well as me and kids. I know I may sound harsh but i tried to help before and it did not help.