My husband

Dear @starshine91,

Thanks for posting and welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear that you have been going through what sounds like a very tough time.

It can be incredibly upsetting and frustrating when caring for someone who does not realize or admit they have a problem with gambling. It sounds like despite all the adversities and pain he caused you, you have always been by his side. I can imagine it must be tough coming to terms with all of this and the relationship breakdown. This unfair on you and you do not deserve to be treated in this way.

Sadly, for some people it takes hitting rock bottom for them to realize they need help. It sounds like you have done your best to help him and only he can make the necessary changes for himself. I hope you can use this time to heal and look after yourself.

I’m wondering if you have any support around you? Any family or friends you can confide in about this.

I want you to know, you are never alone and there is always a lot of hope and support available to you.

We run a family and friends Chatroom that opens every Monday 11:30am. Please feel welcome to join.

There is also an affected other support group called GamAnon.

Please feel free to contact our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Livechat to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers

Best wishes,

Vanessa

Forum admin

Leave him immediately 

A person like this will take you down with them 

Detach your finances as quickly as possible i am not joking it will be hard but there is likely a lot worse to come

Hi , whilst we are obviously not counsellors we are Experts By Experience. We have all been there got the T- Shirt and as such get a feeling about what people are doing based on our own actions. My feeling about your husband is unfortunately what you know about with regards to the debt is the tip of the iceberg. From now on in please protect yourself if he is still actively gambling he is still racking up debt. As Vanessa said he hasn't hit rock bottom get and until he does he will carry on with the fantasy world he's living in. I'm not proud of the fact that I led almost a double life , I am a loving  wife , mother ,daughter and I would do anything to help my family whom I love dearly especially my son. My other side I was a liar, racked up debt behind my husband's back, gambled our savings, spent hours and hours covering my tracks and many other things. 414 days ago after my husband found out I came clean about everything, I was at my rock bottom as I desperately needed and wanted to stop gambling I felt Ill I couldn't sleep, I knew what I was doing was wrong, I didn't know how to get help. Now well over a year later I'm glad he found out and the destruction stopped, I count myself extremely lucky that after the initial upset and anger my husband wanted to support me and work through things and eventually work through some issues that we had as a couple that I used gambling to escape. Lots of people say we make excuses for gambling and all opinions are valid obviously and I can only speak for me but I very much escaped mental turmoil by gambling. As you're finding out gambling not only harms the gambler but harms family and friends and as Vanessa said you do not deserve to be treated like this, not only is he unable to admit that he has a problem but he is doing his very best to make you hate him. He's punishing you for catching him out , financially seperate yourself and talk to someone ie, a counsellor figure out what YOU want out of your life. I wish you all the best for some peace and happiness

I kept trying to leave my relationship or find excuses to leave and get her away from me cuz I felt I was taking her down with me. Now I know if I had of just told the truth things would be very different.  I still have a gambling addiction but my current partner knows absolutely every part of that and it is like this 10 tonne weight being lifted from every part of your life. He probably buries his head in the sand about all problems, like I did,  bills, work problems, etc. He doesn't want to leave you. He wants to set you free before your World comes crashing down when you find out the complete truth 

Am sorry but my opinion is simple. Run for the hills.

You cannot save people who don't want to be saved and even then its not your job to try and save him. Its your job to work on your own issues, whatever they maybe.

I am a compulsive gambler and the bottom line is that its down to me to help myself or not as the case maybe.

All the best

Thanks very much for everyone's responses.  It feels like a life time since I wrote this post, when it is only four months.   My husband and I have officially separated.  Things turned a bit awful. He completely cut me out of his life, my family, shared friends. Flat out denied there was a problem.  Instead he said he didn't love me, didn't find me attractive.  

I told him I knew he had protected me with the money; to an extent he has.  He has walked away with nothing, other than clothes and a few personal items.   

He entered into an agreement to repay me the £30,000 I lent him but he has of course defaulted.  

One response on here said he wanted to set me free before my world came crashing down.  I see now that is the truth. I can feel it. I still have no idea the extent of the problem. A couple of days ago, I found more evidence of gambling. It is so sad. The bank statements don't lie. I see now why he walked away rather than show me his bank statements/discuss money.  In 2 days he spent £300+ in gambling on skybet/lottery despite starting off £600 overdrawn. 

I feel torn literally in half.  I'm angry at him for ruining our future, the life we planned (we were newly married and going to have a family) but at the same time I know it is an illness.  I'm angry I need to get a new life, have a new partner (I WANTED HIM!) but then I am grateful because I know he knew this was going to get worse before it got better. I know he has done this because he said he couldn't give me the life I wanted I know he has, I know he said absolutely anything to get me to g away.