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My boyfriend is day 174 without a bet but his behaviour is horrible  

 
MLS2005
(@mls2005)

Hi,

I knew my boyfriend had a gambling problem, however, he owed up to it in February and started GA meetings then of course we went into lockdown and they werent on.  When he gambled badly, he would make excuses as to why we couldnt go out anywhere, or we would plan something and then he would say he was 'ill' or had a headache and we would have to cancel. This went on for sometimes and his moods become worse and he used to blame me for things or accuse me constantly and even check my phone.  Then he seemed to get better and he went to work away and we started doing more together.  Two weeks ago I found a betslip, for a small amount but he denied this was his and made me feel like the worse person in the world for thinking it was his.  Then that whole weekend he didn't want to do anything and just kept blaming me saying I upset him for doubting him.  anyway, that passed and we had a spontaneous trip to London.  I feel like he is only ever really happy when he is spending money.  Then today he has totally flipped and said if he loses me he wouldnt care as all he is used to is losing, he will just forget the last 12 months of our relationship and move on.  I really don't know what to do, he is so aggressive and loses his temper when all I have ever tried to do is help.  Any tips will be appreciated, I have fought tooth and nail for this I don't want him to throw it away as thats all he is used to.  Sorry for the waffle! M x

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Posted : 14th August 2020 5:06 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi M, 

Well done for reaching out and posting on our forum today. I am sure you will get some really good advice and support here. 

It sounds like you are having a difficult time with your Boyfriend at the moment. Have you got friends or family around you who could support you with this?

It is worrying that he is becoming aggressive and loses his temper with you. This must be very scary for you. If you even feel in danger please do call 999. 

It might be good for you to speak to someone about this. Our advisers are available 24/7 and can talk you through everything that you have going on right now. You can do this by calling our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or you can use our Livechat option. Whichever you prefer. 

You might also like to speak to others who are effected by someone else's gambling. You can do this here;  http://gamanon.org.uk/

Please don't be alone in this.

For now, take care and keep posting. 

Rebecca, 

Forum Admin.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th August 2020 9:16 pm
Compulsive Gambler
(@compulsive-gambler)

Hi, I would do similar, as the addict, not in exactly the same way but in my latest attempt to stop, currently just over three years, I won't hide anything.  I don't get angry or upset by questions or accusations as I understand they are natural and a direct consequence of my precious choice to gamble. 

 

Whilst active, I would deflect, lie, manipulate, make excuses, etc 

trust your instinct and value yourself, you do not have to live your life feeling like you do right now

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th August 2020 9:28 am
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

I don't know abut all but I know my own GA meeting continued during lockdown via Zoom virtual meetings. His behaviour is typical of any addict, moody and self centered. I was a nightmare to live with when I was gambling, and anything that got in the way of my addiction was pushed aside, family, kids, work, anything.  I was a horrible person but I did not care if others suffered. Addiction really brings out the worst in us as you are seeing.

The bad news we can be told until we are blue in the face but no one can make us change, we have to do it ourselves. So you could tell your partner a million time this or that needs to change but unless he really wants to change it ain't going to happen. The good news is you do control yourself, you have done the right thing to come on here and research this addiction and seek help.

If I were in your shoes I would sit him down for an honest chat, if he is resistant or stroppy you need to let him know that you have had enough of his behaviour and unless it changes then you leaving. Most addicts will use emotional blackmail or similar but you really need to stand your ground on this. If your staying you can no longer take his word for it that he is getting help, you need access to his bank account, statements, credit history so you can see any debt in his name (this is how I hid my addiction from my partner but she now has access to my Clear score account). In other words if he wants to be part of this relationship its time to cut our the nonsense and give you the respect you deserve, full disclosure and access to all his accounts etc is the least you deserve if he is serious about it.

If he is not willing then you need to leave in my opinion but that is a decision for you to make. Others on here who have lived with compulsive gamblers will tell you its not easy. Whatever happens I wish you all the best.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th August 2020 5:55 pm
Help123
(@help123)

This isn’t much help, but my boyfriend gets aggressive too. He always accuses me of arguing when I just want to talk. He says he will send me anything I wants as proof when I ask he goes mad saying why should he. He threatens to break up with me and all I have done is try to help him and get so much anger and hate back. Everything is always my fault. So I just want you to know your not the only one going through this and I hope that you find a solution and become happy. And none of this is your fault please don’t ever blame or doubt yourself.  It’s so hard to know what’s best to do! 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th August 2020 9:35 pm
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

Help123, you cannot stay in a relationship that is abusive. If someone has an issue and is unwilling to change and when you try and help them argues with you then it is a road to no where. If he threatens to break up the next time you want proof of things then its time to do just that. Value yourself, life is too short to have someone treat you in such a way.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th August 2020 12:20 am
MLS2005
(@mls2005)

I am trying, just not really sure when he is telling the truth and when he isnt.  I find it hard to trust him, but he thinks I am just being nasty, he doesnt realise how much it effected me! Thanks for your advice x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th August 2020 5:08 pm
MLS2005
(@mls2005)

thank you everyone! Everything makes sense as to what you all say, I dont think he would ever lay a finger on me but just the way he shouts etc makes me on edge.  It's like whatever his mood is, will determine if we have a good day/weekend and it really shouldnt be like that.

 

Help123, Yes, I get you.  Mine is the same, he won't talk though that's the thing - when I try to talk he just get's aggressive and calls me every name under the sun, usually via text! It is really frustrating, especially when you love someone and only want the best for them. Hope you're ok and just pop on here if you want to talk! x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th August 2020 5:12 pm
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

I wasn't physically abusive, but I certainly was emotionally. The addiction consumed me and betting or getting money to bet was all that mattered, so when something go in the way I would throw a stop and sulk. If I kept on like that my partner would have ended the relationship and rightly so. She want the relationship to continue as she loved me but if I was unwilling to address my behaviour then we could not continue.

I know its difficult, you want them to change but they can only do it themselves otherwise you will be back at square one before long. You need to make plans to end it, have whatever you need ready to move out so its not such a shock to the system, if he is unwilling to change. If he will not even sit down and talk about it then its pointless staying as he can not even show you the respect to listen to you. If he wont talk then let him know it is over, if he changes his mind and wants to talk let him know you are willing to stay if he is tackling the gambling problem and you can no longer take his word for things as he has broken your trust.

Not the answer you want to hear maybe, but you deserve better than the treatment you are currently receiving 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 21st August 2020 2:16 pm
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