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Money lost , Lies and deceit or both ?  

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Confused_1
(@confused_1)

This is very raw for me as he only told me on Sunday, but for me it is the betrayal more than the money, the money is a problem as we have a 5 month old and I have no maternity pay etc so for the next month I now need to use savings just to feed us all and pay the couple of bills my name is also on. The lies are what hurt, to me and our families. I’m also terrified of his mental health as he threatened to end his life before telling me after the realisation of blowing his monthly pay for the 3rd time hit him. I’m sticking by him while he is recovering and I’m hoping as he came out rather than being found out is a good sign that he wants to stop but my fear of him doing that again and becoming so desperate is my main concern. He earns a good salary so we can pay back the debt within a few years but it’s the scars left from the deceit that will stay with us, I trusted him 100% but now I have 0 and am literally feeling that if he’s talking, he’s lying. I’m just hoping in time, with his actions I’ll get past it as I do love him and want to stay together as a family.

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Posted : 28th March 2019 8:56 am
Filouali
(@filouali)

My husband works for himself. He was out doing loads of jobs, however, he was never bringing home the amount of money that might have been expected. Eventually red letters started to arrive through the door from the Tax man, the Council Tax, Mortgage company, Water, Gas and electricity... I began to look at our joint bank account statements (I never really use that account so there was no real reason for me to look at these before this point). It was here I found the awful truth. He had been gambling massive amounts everyday, I mean sometimes up to £1,500 in one day!!. Totalling up to spending over £10,000 in three months alone (I don't even earn that in one year!!). I can't describe how I felt finding this. There was a feeling of betrayal (but I thought this was wrong because it wasn't like he had been having an affair, so how could I be feeling betrayed?). I was sick with fear, fear of loosing the house, what was going to happen to me and our three children if we became homeless? He had been lying all this time!, how long was he prepared to carry on gambling in this way, how far was he prepared to go?, would he carry on until our home was lost??

I tried to reach out to his parents for help/support but I was met with an attitude of "Oh how is it I've given birth to sons who love to gamble?", this isn't what I was expecting at all, but his mother had managed to turn it round to her feeling sorry for herself! So I gave up on that line of support. I tried to alert my family, however I was met with "We would love to help but we have no spare cash to give you" AGAIN this is not what I expected to hear or indeed need to hear.. wherever I turned I was met with little help or advice.... It's a VERY lonely place to be. There was only one thing left to do and that was to confront my husband....

I decided that maybe I should approach the situation calmly and try to be understanding. I was met with tears, apologies and statements like "I haven't been to the bookies today", "I haven't been going into the bookies EVERYDAY, so I have it under control", "I have really cut down".....

I began to feel really bad for him, I felt sorry for him, I felt that I was making him feel ashamed etc... I decided that that I wouldn't 'nag' him but I would open all letters and bank statements and keep a written record of his gambling habit.

To date, he leaves the house to work but still goes off the grid, doesn't answer his phone (I may call him once or twice during the day). People will say to me "Oh, I saw S today coming out of the bookies". If we go out to our local, he'll slope off to the bookies next door or accross the road (there are THREE bookies almost next door to each other and the pub in our high street and a further bookies a little further along) before I know it he has been gone for over half an hour!! when he comes back he is overly nice (like a child that knows he may be in trouble).

As far as I know (from the bank statements and fewer letters arriving) he isn't gambling every day BUT when he has been gambling he is STILL blowing large amounts. He plays the machines in the bookies and does a bit of online gambling. He has a standing order that goes out to P***y Power every month but I'm not quite sure what this would be for??

I have also been keeping a check on his own account and noticed that he is transfering money around different accounts, withdrawing large amounts of cash at date and times he has gone out to the pub and I think he has another account he is transfering money to. I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this whole situation, can ANYONE help me, give me advice on what more I can be doing???

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Posted : 29th March 2019 10:12 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi filouali you need to find a gamanon meeting. It's not ok to gamble that amount of money. Your friends and family are right not to help with bailouts. You need to take control of finances. Compulsive gambling is progressive and damages mental health. He needs help and support from gamblers anonymous,he can search online for local meetings. He can sign up to gamstop to stop online uk sites (P*** power is a gambling website that he's got regular payments going to). Stepchange will help advise over debts. His juggling of money from accounts is a sign he's got numerous accounts and bets ongoing. His every waking moment is probably consumed by this moving money and bets. He will lie and hoodwink you, say he isn't, say he's sorry. Get help for yourself, stop accepting this as normal. I certainly wouldn't be waiting in the pub while he's playing a roulette machine.

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Posted : 29th March 2019 1:14 pm
Filouali
(@filouali)

Hi there MGR, Thank you for responding, I just wonder, how do I begin to take control of his finances, he's a grown man?? I just don't know how to get round that fact.... at the moment everything feels like its a monumentous task. I think I need to break it all down into steps but I can't even begin to think of what might be step one!

I have suggested GA to him and he 'says' he wants to get help but he does nothing about following it up. I will look up stepchange (thank you).

I thought it would be easy enough to keep one step ahead of him but I know this not to be true. Thank you for your advice 🙂

I do believe that he is and has been suffering from depression for a very long time. When I first met him (15 years ago) he always had a 'flutter' on the fruit machines and used to go to play poker once or twice a week, go to a casino with his brothers and father once in a while, play cards for money in the pub with his dad and brothers and play poker online.... I never really thought anything of it in those days, maybe because we were just dating and never realised the full extent back then... He then lost his younger brother and maybe thats when it started to progress into something more the more he became depressed ( his family don't really admit to feeling down). Three years ago he found me with another man and I think thats where it began to spiral out of control for him, so I do feel I am part responsible for this situation now and I have no right in a way to start taking over finances etc, but this IS something I am dealing with by going to my counsellor every week (the guilt etc)

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Posted : 29th March 2019 4:28 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

You cannot control him therefore you're not to blame. Compulsive gamblers are emotionally absent. They cope by gambling so they don't have to 'feel', if then becomes their 'go to', their habit. For the best help a gamanon meeting is the place to go. If not call gamcare. It's the same as any addiction, you don't get better on your own.

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Posted : 29th March 2019 7:02 pm
Lethe
(@lethe)

It's nothing to do with anything you've said or done. He's responsible for his own choices and that includes the consequences of those choices.

If he won't give you control of the finances, won't block his access to gambling, won't attend GA, be wary. It indicates he doesn't want to stop and life with an active CG is hell. They can and do drag everyone around down with them. You can't save him, fix him or even help him until he wants to be helped. Think instead about what you and the children want need and deserve. An active CG can't provide it.

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Posted : 29th March 2019 9:23 pm
Filouali
(@filouali)

Thank you MGR and Lethe, there's a lot to think about....

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Posted : 30th March 2019 9:14 am
DIANEP1979
(@dianep1979)

That's my issue my boyfriend will say anything to get money. 

I don't even know when he is telling the truth anymore. 

 

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Posted : 1st July 2020 2:12 pm
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