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Money lost , Lies and deceit or both ?  

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Anonymous
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)

As you may or may not know I've been here for nearly two years gamble free after telling my family the whole truth about my time as an active Gambler .

I'm quite hung up on the telling part when Compulsive Gamblers like myself first arrive here as I alway's feel it's the only way to move forward with honesty in recovery .

I've had various discussions and arguments with others regarding this on the forum so I guess what I would like to know from all the Family and friends of Compulsive gamblers is , " What was worse for you , the money lost by your other half or the lies that were told before thay came clean or were found out " ? .

I thought about posting this in the Debates section but as it applies more to the f and f's I felt it was more at home here ? .

Interested in your thought's

Alan

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Posted : 18th August 2017 5:35 pm
Esta
 Esta
(@esta)

Hi Alan it's really interesting because my husband always says it's about the money but for me it's more the lies that he tells. The money disappoints me because I think about what we could have done with the children and I feel resentful when I'm at work all day and he's gambling the money away. But the constant lies is what really hurts I feel totally betrayed. Sometimes I actually wish he had slept with someone rather than me uncover again his gambling. People think I'm crazy for saying that but the gut wrenching feeling when I'm praying it's anything but gambling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and then the lies that just trip off the tongue and he thinks I'm stupid enough to believe it is what I struggle to get over. It's different for everyone I think though!

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Posted : 18th August 2017 8:05 pm
Lethe
(@lethe)

The money and what we could have done with it is galling but the lies, deceit and stealing were the most breathtaking part for me. That and the feeling of having been taken for a stupid mug. I genuinely wouldn't have believed what he was capable of if I hadn't seen it for myself.

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Posted : 18th August 2017 8:44 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi Alan agree with Esta, if my cg had stopped lying the debt wouldn't have been as big. Money obviously is a factor and very scary, but the lying makes it worse. Especially when your standing there saying ' the bank just texted me about your card on a website' 'no not me'! It's so frustrating and insulting our intelligence. Your gut tells you there is something a miss. We trust the cg with the money and they just chuck it back in your face. I hate liars full stop. It's affected my friendships and relationships, if someone lies to me that's it, over. Money can't buy you happiness but it makes life easier. Now I find it difficult to spend especially on big things, scared there's no safety net. It's a very damaging pastime to everyone! Thx x

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Posted : 18th August 2017 8:46 pm
Anonymous
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)

Thank you Lethe and Merry go round , I've already posted to Ester regarding her reply but to be honest your answers have also confirmed that while the money is obviously important to some extent as it was the Family 's money , the hurt from the constant lies and the insult's to your intelligence mean far more .

Thank you for your time Ladies .

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Posted : 18th August 2017 9:35 pm
Compulsive Gambler
(@compulsive-gambler)

Thanks for the Q&A - very interesting to read, just another point that staggers me when I think that's me. I'm the CG but worse,I'm the liar.

for the days past I'm sorry to all those I've lied to. I wish I could change that but sadly cannot, I can and do however chose that for today, I will not lie and I will not gamble.

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Posted : 18th August 2017 10:39 pm
Anonymous
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)

All we can do Dan is look to the future , that's now the only part within our control .

I feel really bad when I reflect that I let it get that bad and the lies just snowballed as I went along thinking I was harming only myself but I guess that's the Cg in us is being all about Me , Me ,Me , which goes back to my original point of coming clean being important in order to move forward , as I said yesterday you can't hold back the bit's you choose not to share to loved one's and offering the defence of " I'm trying to spare your feeling's " or it's " not the right time " , in my opinion It's a bit late for us to spare a thought for the feelings of the people we claim to love after what we've done and when will be the right time ? .

All the best

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Posted : 18th August 2017 11:00 pm
Compulsive Gambler
(@compulsive-gambler)

Thanks Alan,

It just doesn't seem real though does it? I remember countless times I would be building myself up to confess, sometimes having letters or emails written, trying to wait for that perfect moment and then finding a barrier, a reason.

Was it fear, was it just that I wasn't ready to stop? I guess they are questions I will never be able to answer and maybe I will never understand why I have let gambling rule my life as it has.

Having had a mixture of wonderful and then challenging days during the last week, talking to my wife tonight, I fear the end of our marriage is more of a certainty than a possibility, it certainly is not easy right now.

Whilst I'm fully admitting to all my faults, I'm also in a place where I need some support or even just understanding that it is very difficult to mentally deal with my own actions. It seems that is too much to ask as well and I do get that so I'm not trying to make demands or manipulate (at least I don't think I am). Having said this (sorry for the tangent) I know that I don't want gambling in my life anymore. I know when I've previously expected difficult times I've always allowed myself to turn back to gambling, using whatever it is as my excuse, my reason.

No longer though, I have hurt those around me, I hope by being a better person, being the man I want to be, I rediscover how to live my life with fun and laughter, I hope then to have those same people around me. It's not my decision though, they have to do what is best for their own lives and I will deal with whatever tomorow brings, as you say Alan, all I can do is concentrate on the future

I hope some new to the site gamblers read this thread (not really this post but the previous), if you are reading and you have convinced yourself that you 'can't tell' your loved ones, please revisit this thought, please break the cycle, get your secret out and get yourself help.

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Posted : 18th August 2017 11:14 pm
Anonymous
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)

I'm sorry your in a difficult place with your marriage and truly hope that you can both find a way forward from this Dan , I think that was a very great and unselfish last paragraph there my friend as it's not until we here the truth from the f and f's that we even begin to understand the things they go through and the repercutions our behaviour can cause .

Your also right when you speak of " What we become " when in full flow of addiction , I can look back now and see this Jekyl and Hyde charicture for wht he was but thought then that I was this normal wonderfull man who was doing it all for the good of his family ?

Looking for the " Right moment to tell " yep been there and done that , which for us again translates into " When will she be at her most understanding and least angry " all about us again my friend .

It's Ironic that weve gambled all our lives and taken countless risks over the years but the toughest gamble we will ever take with unknown odds is at the time we want to stop and that's " What will happen when I confess " " Which way will it go , heads or tails " but without that last " Throw of the dice " and the outcome it produces we can't begin the process of honest change .

Keep striving to be the better man your becoming Dan :))

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Posted : 18th August 2017 11:39 pm
Compulsive Gambler
(@compulsive-gambler)

Thanks Alan - nice swapping more thoughts with you - much appreciated

regards

Dan

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Posted : 18th August 2017 11:50 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi compulsive gambler, I'm sorry too another relationship on the rocks because of gambling. I don't mean to pry but does your wife have any support? Has she called gamcare? Or dare I say gone to gamanon? I've always been someone who wants to know everything, likes to talk through things. As wife of cg that's an impossibility so I've sought help from both and bought books on codependency. We need to change our behaviour too. We have to learn to be strong to live our lives, to let it go.

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Posted : 19th August 2017 8:04 am
Compulsive Gambler
(@compulsive-gambler)

Thanks MGR

no she hasn't albeit I've tried suggesting and asking her to contact

she is 3 weeks away from the due date of our third child and with the debt issues I've created, I think she has just been trying to focus on all that.

My sister has been a fantastic help and she has also been trying to get my wife to reach out for help but to no avail as yet

I do feel a bit caught in this regard, it does mean my wife is being very difficult with me (constant criticisms, snappy etc) and when I did say a few weeks ago that mentally I am struggling, yes it might be fully deserved but still I am mentally weak and have gambled for twenty plus years - confessing has done nothing to address that state of mind so there is a limit to what I can take, she told me I need to suck it up more and stop feeling down. For a long time she has had an issue with my weight but I support her by ensuring she has 2-3 hours a day for her own time, plus I work 60-70 hour weeks, with 10 hours of commuting, result being I get one maybe two opportunities to have my own time per week.

I could write more but alas this isn't marriage counselling, I will again ask her to look at the support available and encourage her to reach out. Once the debt is reduced further and baby number three is with us then we have said we need to start looking at our relationship, it might be that it has become too toxic to recover.

Another consequence of my choice to gamble

today, I will not lie and I will not gamble

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Posted : 19th August 2017 9:12 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi CG lots going on there. Baby is her priority. Sounds like both of you exhausted, which leads to confrontation. Unfortunately it seems life changing events are tainted with gambling memories. I remember clearly being pregnant with second child, my cg had position on the ftse, market crashed. 9/11 market crashed. Latest ill health retirement. Being depressed or low is symptom/cause/result. Maybe the gp would be better place for her to reach out. I also have had post natal depression. Be kind to each other.

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Posted : 19th August 2017 10:01 am
dbsmith
(@dbsmith)

My son has admitted today that he is a compulsive gambler. He has stolen from me and small amounts from work. The lies are devastating and heartbtreaking but the fear of how he will obtain money for his gambling addiction overides the lying. I never would in a million years believe my lovely, honest son would steal from me. He has never been greedy of asked for anything in his life. It was frustrating at Christmas or on his birthday as you would ask him what he wanted and he would say nothing. But his compulsion to gamble has taken that away. If he can steal from me, someone he is supposed to love, it is only a matter of time until he commits fraud or steals from the wrong person and ends up in prison. That is what fills me with terror.

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Posted : 19th August 2017 10:17 am
Anonymous
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)

Morning DB and welcome to the forum .

I'm sorry to read of your son's gambling addiction and that he's stealing from you and his place of work in order to fund it .

Although it's small comfort to you at the moment , him admitting he has aproblem is a huge first step as that can be a real hold back in dealing with our addiction . Iv'e not gambled for nearly 2 years now but during my time active I really didn't care where the money came from as long as I still had the ability to get my fix from gambling , in a gamblers mind there's no real problem as we alway's feel were only one winning bet from replacing everything we take and making it all good before anyone notices , the problem with that is we never win enough to replace what we borrow , loan or steal simply because we cannot stop and any winnings are just more ammunition to carry on gambling with . The strange thing is that for us it really stops being about the money , it's just the buzz we get from the wager win or lose .

Youv'e come to the right place for support for this and that support is just as important for yourself as it is for your son , has he been on this site yet ? . I know that when I first came here it was almost a relief to realise that there were so many others affected by our addiction . Gambling is a quite solitary thing and although we may spend all our time in Bookies shops or casino's we never really speak to other gamblers and I truly thought it was just myself affected and that all the other's could control there addiction which made me almost frightened to speak or own up incase I was the odd one out !.

Looking back it now seems plain crazy but that's the mind of someone in addiction .

Maybe if you can get him to pop on here , he doesn't have to join anything yet but it might be an eye opener for him ?

Best wishes for now

Alan

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Posted : 19th August 2017 10:58 am
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