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Manipulative Husband can't stop gambling  

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Dee51
(@dee51)

Where do I start...my husband has always liked to go the bookies at the weekend, with his own money. We budget monthly and both have 'pocket money. He's never been able to save a penny! Ex army, suffers with PTSD and other issues.. but then discovered he can gamble online. Its been a nightmare! He lies, he's manipulative and he bullies me into giving him money to gamble.  He will say anything to get money from me. At the moment,  he hates me because after spending nearly £1300 in a week, I won't give him money....the money we were saving to get some work done to the house. So I get treated like detritus until he needs something. He has completely shut down. I have literally cared for our home, finances, and everything else while working full time, for years. He does nothing at all, not even the things he needs to do like paperwork or ordering his own meds! Nothing! He has been in and out of work for the last few years, partly because of his mental health,  and partly because he is idle. I get nothing at all from him now, not since he started gambling online. He refuses help for his illness or gambling , he refuses to help me at home. He refuses to talk to me at all. I am a tough person,  I've been through hell with him and because of him over the years, but now I feel utterly broken. He watches the racing day and night. He hammers my phone while I'm at work or wherever I am. He cares about nothing else. I always give in, just so he will be nice to me! How sad is that?

If he can't gamble, he simply checks out and goes to sleep. I can't help him, I can only make my own life a misery by giving in, or not giving in...I can't win. I've heard every story over the years..lost wallets, not been paid etc...but I know where the money went. No matter how much he has, £100 or £500, he loses the lot. I want out, I want normal, I want a life without constant stress and bullying! The only way I can see is divorce, which goes against the grain for me...everything feels so hopeless.

Quote
Posted : 6th June 2021 4:38 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear Dee51,

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to the Forum!

From what you described it really feels that your husband's gambling has had a massive impact on your wellbeing. It seems that his gambling has affected how much you do not feel supported by him, your finances as well as 'feeling utterly broken'. I am sorry to hear that you feel that everything seems hopeless at the moment to you.

As problem gambling affects other people (not only gamblers themselves) we do support Affected Others with help we offer, including one-to-one treatment. If you would like to discuss your situation with one of our friendly Advisers, we would be happy to explore with you the most appropriate support for you. Please do not hesitate to contact us on 0808 8020 133 or via live chat as you do not have to go through it on your own. We also have a chatroom for Affected Others on Mondays at 11:30am if you are interested to share your feelings with people who may go through similar experiences.

Best wishes,

Forum Admin,

Klaudia

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th June 2021 8:46 pm
Jason_abc
(@jason_abc)

Hi Dee,

You're in a s**t situation.

My behaviour mirrored your husband's for 30 years. Everything you said hits home.

I pressured my wife constantly to fund my gambling when I had run out of my own funds, nothing else mattered except gambling to me.

She funded my gambling for a peaceful life when my wages were blown, we have tremendous debts.

I have stopped gambling for 18 months.

Do not give your husband any money, do not give in, ever! Once he realises his funding is cut off and that no matter the amount of s**t he throws at you, you will not give him any money the penny will start to drop. The more he can't gamble the more the time increases between bets the more chance of him developing more normal patterns of behaviour.

At the first opportunity he shows guilt or remorse get him to self exclude from gambling web sites, Google it., It works.

No money, no access, it's a base to start new behaviour, walking. Sport, gym, family, music.

I wish you both all the best.

Jason

 

 

 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th June 2021 10:36 pm
Dee51
(@dee51)

Thank you Jason, I'm sorry you went through such a destructive addiction. Unfortunately,  my husband is a narcissistic character with mental health issues and refuses to get help. Now I am at the point of buying him out of our home...damage limitation on my part I guess. Sadly, I know exactly what he will do with the money, but it will no longer be my concern. I feel very sad, for both of us...more so for him. You can lead a horse to water.....

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th June 2021 11:57 am
Dave101
(@dave101)

Hi Dee,

I am ex forces and suffer from mental health problems ( bipolar ) I have met other ex forces in GA meetings ( gambler anonymous physical meetings) which being a ex solider myself has helped me massively by going person to person/group. Maybe driving his back side down there and persuading him to go to one will be a hard hit home for himself and the reality of the damage he is doing to you. 

it’s a rubbish and emotional situation but not giving in on the money side will create a window of opportunity to make a hard line stance and hopefully give him some realisation on the current situation. If he goes to more than one meeting, things WILL start to change and some normality will come back into your lives.

for me it was loneliness, for him it’s anger and frustration (maybe others things) and group talks would really help him open up to others who have been there too. I do say maybe other things because maybe he can’t tell friends or yourself or loved ones and having those anonymous people there with shared experiences will help him talk about it all and start to get to some normalisation.

it’s a s**t situation I just hope this helps some what

I hope things improve soon

dave101

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th June 2021 2:23 pm
Dee51
(@dee51)

Thanks Dave, I appreciate your comments. The issue is he refuses point blank to get help. He says he's 'happy' being miserable. Unfortunately, his illnesses do not lend themselves to logic, or caring for others. I've given him relevant help numbers, and he won't speak to anyone because there's 'nothing wrong' with him. It's been a very long uphill battle for many years. At one point he did seek help but decided not to go through with treatment. I can't tell you how gut wrenching that was for me. Sometimes you just can't help people.  I'm sorry if I sound like all hope is gone, but it really has. I worry for his future, even though it won't be my problem, I know he will struggle in the real world, Bill paying, shopping, organising himself etc...because I stupidly did it all. I really did not do either of us any favours. But it was a case of If I don't do these things, they simply don't get done...and I could never trust him with money! 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th June 2021 4:53 pm
Jason_abc
(@jason_abc)

Hi Dee,

I'm sorry it has come to this for both of you.

You are doing the right thing in preserving anything you can financially from the situation you are in, to not do anything and have your finances wiped out is not an option and this will happen if you don't do anything now.

Who knows this may be the start of your husband 'hitting rock bottom' , then again it may not.

The way he lives his life is his choice at the end of the day, and it is a choice no matter how it's dressed up.

I sincerely hope your story has a happy ending.

Jason

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th June 2021 9:25 pm
Dee51
(@dee51)

Thank you. I think I'm at rock bottom to be honest! I have had to block him on my phone on every messaging app because he is harassing me for money constantly. He's had £2k almost in 10 days. But now, because its all gone, he wants the little that I have. I'm not giving in, but am in a constant state of stress and anxiety because I don't know what he will do to get money. Its awful, my nerves are in shreds! I know he thinks I'll just give in like I always do. He's tried being Mr Nice, he's tried threats about me losing my home! I've worked hard my entire life! He has used his mental health to take years off work! I'm so stressed at the moment! I resorted to putting a post on FB to say he was an addict because I felt it had been a secret long enough. Its not a decision I made lightly, but I'm glad I did. I have support there from friends that he had alienated me from. But I still feel like a nervous wreck!

This post was modified 2 weeks ago by Dee51
ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th June 2021 1:21 pm
RochG
(@rochg)

Hi Dee,

I very much hope, like everyone here, you are keeping strong and resolved.  It seems to me you have hit a line in the sand and hope you are getting good support including from friends who are now, via Facebook, aware of the bigger picture.

Keep writing, keep talking, keep communicating because this is a process you're in now, and the more help you can get the better you'll navigate your way through.  You will come out of this stronger and with a clearer pathway ahead. Just think about how knowledgable you are about this addiction now and how this all fits in with all that's going on.

One things true, Dee, and that is, we are, from whatever side of the fence - me, I'm a (recovering) problem gambler and so, like so many of us here, have those critical insights - we are ON YOUR SIDE.

 

Remember - look after and ring-fence your finances.  We cannot emphasise this enough.

This post was modified 2 weeks ago 2 times by RochG
ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th June 2021 5:06 pm
Dee51
(@dee51)

Hi Rochg

I'm trying I really am. I'm struggling despite the support. I'm angry and hurt. The more I think about what I have put up with over the years, the more angry and hurt I feel. I guess I've ignored it the last 5 years after losing someone close, I just didn't care as much as I should have. Do other partners of gamblers feel like this? Is it natural to feel absolutely raging with anger? Of course, it's not just about the gambling,  it's everything that goes with it. I think I'm more angry with myself. I wasn't strong enough to withstand the bullying and manipulative behaviour,  even though I knew what it was. Yes writing down helps release it a little. But then there it is again! 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th June 2021 8:12 pm
RochG
(@rochg)

Hi Dee,

It is, sadly, so easy to look at things when they're up in the air and think - how did it come to this?  And the anger and frustration just pours out. You are fully entitled to be angry Dee because you are really upset! Is it natural to feel like this? Yes, of course.  

You've seen that it's not just about the gambling - bad enough! - which has proven to be a catalyst, that's helped to crystallise the bigger picture for you and bring things to a head.

However, please, please do not be too hard on yourself.  Because it's easy to have regrets and 'what if'. What if I dealt with this a few years ago ... what if, what if.  Just remember you did things at the time with the very best of intentions.  Try not to judge your yesterday's self with information and realisations that you know today. That would be you being harsh on you ... and you don't deserve that. 

Instead, you may consider you've had a realisation, an epiphany.  It's taken what's happened for this to happen, but it's a blessing for you.  Because, now, you are wiser, more experienced and stronger.

Some people go through their entire lives without such a moment.  But you're having it now.  Look at how eloquent and clear your posts are; they're from the heart, I can tell.

So, in the midsts of it all, there's an inner calm that hasn't settled within you yet Dee but it's there.  You're gonna come out of this, at your own time, and at your own speed.  The path might not be clear but it'll be a path where you're in control.

Absolutely right getting this all out there ... of course you're upset.  But don't be hard on yourself. We can all be wise after the event, but none of us are at the time. We have to go through it in this life sometimes, to get to a better place ahead 🙂  

 

This post was modified 2 weeks ago 2 times by RochG
ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th June 2021 9:52 pm
Dave101
(@dave101)

Hi Dee,

I think rochG has some very wise advise and more so than my own to be honest. I do apologise for not replying sooner.

your posts have made me think about my partner and what she has had to put up with over the years now! dam she has every right to be angry if she was to be but for her it’s more of a sad story in a way and I love being with her and I am willing to improve myself. I guess I may not be the angry type or abusive in anyway but I am sure if the addiction got strong enough I could of slipped into some of your partners ways.

once again as rochG has said, don’t be too hard on yourself, we recovering compulsive gamblers always go on about are journey this part is part of your journey dealing with one.

I truely hope this line in the sand that has been drawn is a turning point for both of you and not just one.

 

stay strong

 

dave101

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th June 2021 5:33 am
Dee51
(@dee51)

Thank you Dave and Rochg

I really do appreciate your insights, comments and support. I feel like I've lost everything. I don't mean materially, but in terms of my hopes, dreams for the future, my companion. I honestly feel like that is worse than the financial aspect, even though I will never recover the money. I'm not materialistic, I've never needed fancy things, I just wanted someone I could trust, someone who had my back, but I don't. That's devastating to me.  To realise the amount of lies and secrets over the years. I feel like all of those years were a lie. Maybe I'm being dramatic,  I've always just ploughed ahead through adversity, but I just can't pick myself up. Everyone (family, friends) only see the financial aspect of what he's done. To me, that's just the surface. Beneath that it's utter chaos. The calls to the bank, the paperwork, the sleepless nights, the worry, the hurt, the inability to focus or engage with people fully, the anger, the trying to piece things together....chaos. No one gets it. They say they know its going to be hard, but they really don't. Those are just things people say whilst thanking God its not them in my shoes. 

Rochg, I know you are right in what you say, when the fog lifts, I will see it.

Dave, you are a very lucky man to have such a wonderful lady by your side.

Thank you both for letting me vent. I know this is a process I must go through, and I sincerely hope that my story does make a difference to people who choose to gamble. 💙

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th June 2021 6:16 pm
Dee51
(@dee51)

...And so it begins! The verbal abuse, the pulling me down, the insults..and why? Because my husband has no money to gamble. I've had threats about him not paying the bills this month, I've had everything thrown at me since last night. I truly don't deserve it! I never in a million years thought he would say the things he has said to me. Its devastating. All Because I won't give him my money! Has anyone else been through this kind of hatred from their spouse? 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th June 2021 10:18 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear Dee51,

I am concerned to read your post about the verbal and emotional abuse you’ve been experiencing from your husband. I can imagine it is really painful especially considering how much you are struggling already with the situation and its long-term implications.

Abuse is not acceptable and I would strongly recommend you contact The National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to get some specialist advice on how to best keep yourself safe from this abuse.

I would also strongly recommend that you speak to us as well, even if just for the opportunity to offload and we can see what additional support we can organise for you.

Please don’t be alone in this situation, please know that you matter and we are here for you.

All the best,

Fay

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th June 2021 1:03 pm
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