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Making amends  

 
Pep1952
(@pep1952)

Today, as part of his GA 12 steps, my partner and i sat down to have a chat and reflect on his addiction and the impact it made on my life. He asked again for forgiveness and also asked if there is anything else he can do for me after what he put me through because of his gambling addiction.  It was an emotional talk as expected! 

Although i was never financially (directly) affected by the gambling, i was deeply traumatised in the process. And my mental health is still on the mend. We have agreed that for my peace of mind, i will keep access to his credit report and bank account indefinitely as often as i so wish. In the initial phase of his abstinence, this caused a bit of an argument because he wanted to put a time limit on this but i am glad that now he fully understands it from my perspective.  He is very tearful when we talk about how his addiction impacted my mental health but i am so grateful that he is fully supportive of the things that i need to be reassured. 

I also asked that if he relapses, that he comes clean to me immediately. I will not judge him and will stick by him and support him. If there is one thing that will make me give up, it’s if he relapses and he gives up on himself by keeping it all a secret.  He seemed to understand, i really hope so. 

I reassured him that i have genuinely, completely forgiven him. 100%. I am also ever so proud of him and i hope he continues to inspire other by being a sponsor himself soon. 

This topic was modified 2 months ago by Pep1952
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Posted : 1st August 2021 8:51 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Well thats good news and Im very glad you are discussing it with him.

What I would say is that I will never be complacent about this for the rest of my life.

As  a recovering gambler I do not want the full trust of my loved ones. I would like their love and some understanding of a complex addiction

I still give them financial reports and I dont borrow a penny from them If ever that was the only option it would be a cash secured loan with interest.

I think the sign of a proper recovery is that there is no time limit on it. Its good that I can no longer defraud my parents with lies because they are fully aware that I was a gambling addict and a gambler in recovery

 Your strength and monitoring can be a great help for a proper recovery. There is no shame in  tough love where finances and monitoring are concerned

If he is truly ready he will start to feel a real sense of relief and even serenity that his secret is out in the open and he is getting some help.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd August 2021 1:14 am
Jess27
(@jess27)

Hi Pep1952,

It's really good that you can both discuss his addiction and that you are so supportive of one another. Great that he now sees that he needs to be transparent about his finances on a long term basis. 

Good luck to you both.

J x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd August 2021 8:17 am
Pep1952
(@pep1952)

Thanks @joydivider and I am glad things are going well for you too.

Absolutely agree and i am glad that my partner seems to understand that we cannot put a time limit on this. The argument was during the initial days of his abstinence before he started the 12 steps of the GA programme 18 months ago. Since he started the programme he has really taken it to the heart which is amazing. And he is fully supportive of my needs to be reassured. However we do know how powerful this addiction is so we both agreed never to be complacent.
He can only keep a small amount in his bank account enough for his monthly expenses, the rest he transfers to my savings account as soon as he gets paid. Family and friends are aware of the addiction and know never ever to lend him money should he try. As mentioned above i will stick by him relapses and all but obviously if he relapses we will need to tighten the safety nets we have in place to prevent another slip.  
As we always say, one day at a time. Things are going well at the moment but we need to keep our eyes open and never underestimate this addiction.

This post was modified 2 months ago 2 times by Pep1952
ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd August 2021 8:32 am
Pep1952
(@pep1952)

Thanks @jess27 and i hope things are going well your end too.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd August 2021 8:41 am
Jess27
(@jess27)

Thanks @Pep1952,

Yes good at the moment. My husband is also a recovering gambling addict. He has so far abstained for 11 months, but as you say, we can never by complacent. 

My husband has never got involved with GA. He is quite a private person and prefers to deal with his addiction himself. I respect his choice and so far he is managing to abstain, but I do feel that attending GA would help him to confront and address his addiction. Still, it's his choice and I can't do it for him. 

He has focused more on getting fit, running and going to the gym. He has also made a detailed long term plan of our monthly income, savings etc. That has helped him. That is his way of dealing with it all I think. 

Take care and good luck to you both. 

J x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd August 2021 10:02 am
Pep1952
(@pep1952)

Hi @jess27 that’s really good to hear. Just to share, my partner was initially VERY doubtful about GA as well. He is incredibly shy and also very, very private. But now he is so grateful he went. Hopefully your partner will consider at some point. Also just a heads up GA groups although working on the same programme, are slightly different from each other. There is a GA meeting once that my partner attended but did not enjoy very much, he said the vibe is just different from his usual one. Just saying this in case your partner decided to attend a GA meeting one day and think it’s not for him. Best to attend 2-3 in different places and he will definitely find one that suits him.  
If he’s not ready now that’s fine, each one is different in how they cope and recover, but hopefully he will consider just to try! 

This post was modified 2 months ago by Pep1952
ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd August 2021 12:25 pm
Jess27
(@jess27)

Thanks for the info @Pep1952. That's really useful to know in case he does consider going. 

J x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd August 2021 12:47 pm
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