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Lost hope - Should I leave him? I need your help, please.  

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Selly
(@selly)
Posted by: Kevthekev40

Hiya selly 

I hear what you say and Charlieboy has got it spot on as she knows aswell as I do that once you realise you've got a problem and it's effecting the people round about you, believe me you do everything in your power to stop gambling and prove to others aswell as yourself that you can get over this, and the way you do that is seeking the help handing over the finances, and taking it one day at a time as even if you've went a year without gambling your still a problem gambler and need to stop forever, I hope you get out off life what you deserve as it doesn't sound like you've been to happy for along period of time and just remember all the money you've gave to your partner in time you'll gain that back but you've got to do what's best for your mental well-being 

Thank you - I am on my way to get out of this toxic situation and as you said I need to look after my mental well-being. It's difficult to detach sometimes but I am trying my hardest to think straight and know that I don't deserve all this.

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Posted : 27th July 2020 6:14 am
Frogman
(@frogman)

Hi Selly,

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

It’s very difficult to add to what’s already been said above but I just want to say, and as I am sure you know, your partner is deep into gambling and he has to understand this and be ready to change, there is no other way out unfortunately.

I’m not particularly sure what you are getting from your relationship based on what you’ve written so I’ll just assume it’s love still keeping you in as you don’t appear to have fully checked out.

Now to your original question, Don't give him money and don’t let him access to your money. I think it’s okay to buy groceries for the house if you can afford it, don’t go out shopping for him. Look after yourself first. Ask him to come here for a start, it won’t take anything away from him.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

 

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Posted : 27th July 2020 6:17 am
Selly
(@selly)
Posted by: laird1988

Sorry to sound blunt but your story doesn’t read to me as just simply someone who is struggling with gambling. I won’t risk being kicked off Gamcare by saying how I would describe the person you have described in your post. 

Even if only through guilt alone, he should be desperate to keep you happy after putting you through hell. Even at my worst moments, I would always be there for my wife when she was having a down day or needed help with something. Gambling is a terrible addiction that makes people miserable but most gamblers are hiding their problem from their partners meaning that on the face of it they are acting exactly like they would be if they weren’t gambling. If he is acting like this now I wouldn’t be too confident he would be a lot better (in terms of a partner) without betting

Absolutely right. I got myself into this because I though his behaviours were strictly related to gambling but I came to realise that you might be stressed and anxious but I believe there is much more behind that with him. I am adding up all these small things he does and in my head I know this will have to end soon, for my self-respect in the first place. 

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Posted : 27th July 2020 6:17 am
Selly
(@selly)
Posted by: Frogman

Hi Selly,

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

It’s very difficult to add to what’s already been said above but I just want to say, and as I am sure you know, your partner is deep into gambling and he has to understand this and be ready to change, there is no other way out unfortunately.

I’m not particularly sure what you are getting from your relationship based on what you’ve written so I’ll just assume it’s love still keeping you in as you don’t appear to have fully checked out.

Now to your original question, Don't give him money and don’t let him access to your money. I think it’s okay to buy groceries for the house if you can afford it, don’t go out shopping for him. Look after yourself first. Ask him to come here for a start, it won’t take anything away from him.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

 

It's love indeed...

It's so hard to leave someone, especially when I haven't done anything bad but I am still the one having to end it. I need to be strong and really just know this isn't good for me and nothing positive will come out of it. We are too different and unless I want to live his lifestyle it's time to go.

Also, thank you for the tip. I'll do that then. I am just buying for myself at the moment and if there is stuff in the fridge he just takes it ( still gets annoyed because there is no ready stuff and he does not cook, so he had liquids only the past few days. SO CRAZY). I have stopped buying for him to see if this was helping me as I no longer intend to spend a pound for him... considering the way he behaves in general.

 

 

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Posted : 27th July 2020 6:23 am
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

Hi Selly, 

It certainly sounds like your partner has mental health issues and possibly struggling with depression also. In your post its clear you love and care for him but the crucial point is to realise that you cannot fix him, not now, not ever. Change is all down to him, you can offer advice and support but its all up to him if he is to change.  Many partners stay in relationships with addicts as they feel guilty of what will happen to them if they leave, but that is no way to live. 

You need to sit down with your partner and get all this out in the open, if he is not willing to talk or seek help then you need to leave. If you stay educate yourself on this forum of what its like to live with a CG who is doing everything possible to tackle the problem honestly. 

For example my partner has full access to everything of mine, emails, credit history, bank account. My money goes into a joint account where she can see what gets spent I never use cash now so she can see everything I spend instantly. I keep receipts if I go to the shops so Im not doing a cash back option at the tills. I registered with GamStop in her presence and did the maximum period of self exclusion. These things are all barriers for me and peace of mind for her in our battle to combat my addiction. 

If you do leave you can learn the lessons, giving someone a lend of 100's after a month or so into a relationship is not a good sign. You deserve better, you deserve respect. Hopefully he can get help for himself, he will go see a GP, got toe GA meetings etc, but thats on him. 

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Posted : 1st August 2020 11:13 am
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