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Lost hope - Should I leave him? I need your help, please.  

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Selly
(@selly)

Hello,

Selly here, girlfriend of a compulsive gambler. 

I need your help.

Both 26. I met my boyfriend at work three years ago and from the very start we did connect quite well, all we wanted to do was spending time with each other, talk and share our pasts to find comfort and that made me feel like I found the right person. 

Circa one month into the relationship he was asking me for money, some days was fifty, some other days was hundreds or thousands. I have never questioned this as he grew up in more than twenty families (foster care)  and all he was saying to me was that his only brother needed help and he felt bad that he could not help him with his current salary.

I did not have any problem obviously supporting him as for me family always comes first and why not if as he said he was going to give me back all the money borrowed ? 

I have started noticing a pattern and that made me think what was going on behind my back? I have asked him and he denied for months, until he admitted he had an issue and it's been years since he is trying to resolve it but the pressure of all his debts is constant and he cannot get out of it. 

For all those three years I made him feel "at home", loved, listened, present and supportive. I do not know what growing up in so many different families with no parents feels like but I can only imagine. I have helped him out because I just felt like I had to and it was right.

Every single month, from the day I met him, punctual, by the 4th his whole pay check is gone. He starts acting nervous, angry, sad, depressed, not understood and all he can say to me every day until the next payday is " I am not in the mood" or " There is nothing to talk about".

Each month I pay for groceries, his tobacco, essentials for the house and just hope the days go quickly so that he can get paid and I can feel less pressure of seeing my bank account going down. How silly, I forgot that by the fourth or fifth it's all gone again and it's up to me to be the ship captain.

I have being living with a ghost, a person that does not stop to ask me how I am doing or even care enough to talk about what we are going through because of his addiction and this makes me really sad, because I have given him everything, forgetting about myself.

He does not do a single thing at home, very messy, never do his washes, never ever cooked or likes washing the dishes. On top of that he stays in bed all day and smoke, which I find disgusting and i have asked him many times to stop smoking inside but of course he keeps doing it. We have stopped having an intimate relationship two years ago and to that he does not have an answer. He is " not in the mood" like he says.

He never ever shows me how much he cares or say and do nice things for me. For three years he made me get used to this situation, where I have to give everything for this relationship but he does not have to change or be a better person by sorting out gambling or in general be mature and responsible when it comes to looking after himself with things like cooking, cleaning, making a plan for a future or having goals.

I do not know if he sees me like a mother because he did not have one, but I am not here for this. I want to be loved too.

If I try to get a few words out of him in regards to this issue he says I am annoying and always talk about the same things and we end up not talking for weeks.

This week for the first time I feel like I want to leave. This time forever. So confused.

He is not going to change and he has dragged me down so much. I got anxious and depressed and this makes me extremely sad because I have always had a beautiful and happy life with family and friends.

I hope he understands what he is going to loose, someone that truly loved him and gave him that family feel no one ever gave him.

Somehow I will have to talk to him in the next few days, pretty hard since he hates having serious talks and ends those after 1 min. After that I will decide what's best for me... if I have to leave, how to leave and get myself back up or the next steps to come out of this as smoothly as possible.

Also, I would like an advise on expenses. As I said previously I used to get essentials and groceries, but this week after my decision, I am buying counted things for myself only. He was not able to drink water for the past few days and I have seen him around the flat thirsty and hungry. 

My question is:

When you set boundaries, what do you cut exactly? Every single thing or just giving money and that does not involve groceries and essentials? 

This Forum and all of you kept going for the past year, so many stories I can relate too. I am on a journey to learn how to love myself again, before anyone else.

Thank you!

 

 

This topic was modified 1 week ago 3 times by Selly
Quote
Posted : 26th July 2020 4:37 pm
Craig724
(@craig724)

Sorry to hear your story,  your partner seems to have a serious addiction and sounds like he can’t be trusted with money.  Talking from experience us gamblers when gambling are completely selfish and all we think about is ourselves and when we can have our next bet, if he’s serious about your relationship, he should hand over all the financial  side to you, yes it would make him feel like a child but it’s for his own good and more importantly your families sake.  There also comes a point were you need to start thinking about your own happiness, it sounds like he’s a lazy waste of space expecting you to do everything, &  from what you have said it seems Unlikely that he will change his gambling ways , 

This post was modified 1 week ago by Craig724
ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 5:04 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi Selly it sounds like your boyfriend has been emotionally absent for a long time. Your boundaries are up to you. The point of a boundary is to set them, and when that boundary has been crossed, there are consequences. 
If I were you I would do a credit check/report on yourself. I would also sign up to gamstop so that he can’t gamble in your name.

You've made your decision so stick to it. The most important thing is to care for yourself and don’t let someone treat you like this in the future.

You’re young and have learned a hard lesson but don’t think this is how relationships are meant to be. Someone asking for money and not paying their share are ‘red flags’. 

There are books on setting boundaries, ‘women who love too much’, ‘loving him without losing you’ are all self help books.

Learn about yourself and why you were willing to put up with this behaviour. That’s not a criticism but something we need to learn when we have relationships with ‘addicts’. 

Don’t punish yourself, this is not your fault. Don’t feel guilty, you’ve done more than enough. As you say he isn’t going to change, he has no reason to.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 5:09 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi selly. What an awful time you have had. I just have to ask to begin with are you definitely finished with your boyfriend it's just that your post suggests that you are leaving but your title is....should I leave him? It depends on which one it is as to the advice. Hope you don't mind me asking . Best wishes

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 5:12 pm
Selly
(@selly)
Posted by: Craig724

Sorry to hear your story,  your partner seems to have a serious addiction and sounds like he can’t be trusted with money.  Talking from experience us gamblers when gambling are completely selfish and all we think about is ourselves and when we can have our next bet, if he’s serious about your relationship, he should hand over all the financial  side to you, yes it would make him feel like a child but it’s for his own good and more importantly your families sake.  There also comes a point were you need to start thinking about your own happiness, it sounds like he’s a lazy waste of space expecting you to do everything, &  from what you have said it seems Unlikely that he will change his gambling ways , 

 

"If he’s serious about your relationship, he should hand over all the financial  side to you"

Exactly what I think. I really feel like he just does not care enough and he will find maybe the person that will understand him better or the person that makes him feel right and helps him to get back his life.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 5:28 pm
Selly
(@selly)
Posted by: Merry go round

Hi Selly it sounds like your boyfriend has been emotionally absent for a long time. Your boundaries are up to you. The point of a boundary is to set them, and when that boundary has been crossed, there are consequences. 
If I were you I would do a credit check/report on yourself. I would also sign up to gamstop so that he can’t gamble in your name.

You've made your decision so stick to it. The most important thing is to care for yourself and don’t let someone treat you like this in the future.

You’re young and have learned a hard lesson but don’t think this is how relationships are meant to be. Someone asking for money and not paying their share are ‘red flags’. 

There are books on setting boundaries, ‘women who love too much’, ‘loving him without losing you’ are all self help books.

Learn about yourself and why you were willing to put up with this behaviour. That’s not a criticism but something we need to learn when we have relationships with ‘addicts’. 

Don’t punish yourself, this is not your fault. Don’t feel guilty, you’ve done more than enough. As you say he isn’t going to change, he has no reason to.

Hey,

Thank you and you are so right "Someone asking for money and not paying their share are ‘red flags’"

If I think about it know I really had all the signs, probably at 24 ( when I met him) you are still a bit naive and believe things can change when in love. Definitely a life lesson for me.

Also, thank you for recommending the books, I'll get them for sure. 

I never thought signing up to gamstop for myself so that he can’t gamble in my  name, I can do that too and I always keep an eye on my credit score just to be sure.

It's just hard leaving someone as feelings are there regardless of the circumstances, even though I have noticed they are slowly fading away because of his behaviours.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 5:29 pm
Selly
(@selly)
Posted by: Charlieboy

Hi selly. What an awful time you have had. I just have to ask to begin with are you definitely finished with your boyfriend it's just that your post suggests that you are leaving but your title is....should I leave him? It depends on which one it is as to the advice. Hope you don't mind me asking . Best wishes

True, I will rectify that now. 

I am super confused, my head is telling me leave immediately because I know it will only be worse and my heart is still telling me to give it a try for the 100th time. He is just not giving a single sign of wanting to improve 🙁 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 5:30 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Ahh I see you are not sure. Has he ever said he is ' sorry for what he's put you through'? Has he ever said that he wants to give up gambling ? I am struggling to find any positives for you to work on. It is not your job to fix him it has to come from inside him and he has to want to change. You say you are like a mother but a mother gets love affection and a special relationship with her child you are more like the hired housekeeper. He sounds very depressed lying in bed all day smoking not normal behaviour not wanting intimacy, for a guy definitely not normal. Most gamblers have mental health issues and mental health issues would certainly drive your boyfriend to behave the way he does. Again with mental health issues he has to want to get better, seek help you can't fix him. I wish I could tell you something more hopeful

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 6:03 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Hiya selly 

Sorry to hear your story it sounds like your partner is deep into gambling and you seem to have to fund it aswell as sort out all the bills and make sure everything is paid for. Reading your story I can't seem to see what your getting out of this relationship, your partner seems to have everything his own way. I'm not been a hypocrite as I'm a problem gambler myself but I'm the one that's out there looking for and getting help. It sounds to me like your just allowing your partner to do what he wants. I maybe be wrong but you've got to lay down the law and if he doesn't change or get help then you will have to consider is this what you want as you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Are you happy? Is your partner willing to change? Can you go on like this? What's in this for you? 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 8:02 pm
Selly
(@selly)
Posted by: Charlieboy

Ahh I see you are not sure. Has he ever said he is ' sorry for what he's put you through'? Has he ever said that he wants to give up gambling ? I am struggling to find any positives for you to work on. It is not your job to fix him it has to come from inside him and he has to want to change. You say you are like a mother but a mother gets love affection and a special relationship with her child you are more like the hired housekeeper. He sounds very depressed lying in bed all day smoking not normal behaviour not wanting intimacy, for a guy definitely not normal. Most gamblers have mental health issues and mental health issues would certainly drive your boyfriend to behave the way he does. Again with mental health issues he has to want to get better, seek help you can't fix him. I wish I could tell you something more hopeful

You are absolutely right. I do feel like he has mental issues but as you said nothing I can do and I think I have always had feelings and even if he was treating me like a housekeeper ( well said) I stayed forgetting about myself, which is sad and frustrating if I think about it now. I have now cut every single thing, not even a bottle of water. I’ve already lost all my savings and enough is enough.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 9:08 pm
Selly
(@selly)
Posted by: Kevthekev40

Hiya selly 

Sorry to hear your story it sounds like your partner is deep into gambling and you seem to have to fund it aswell as sort out all the bills and make sure everything is paid for. Reading your story I can't seem to see what your getting out of this relationship, your partner seems to have everything his own way. I'm not been a hypocrite as I'm a problem gambler myself but I'm the one that's out there looking for and getting help. It sounds to me like your just allowing your partner to do what he wants. I maybe be wrong but you've got to lay down the law and if he doesn't change or get help then you will have to consider is this what you want as you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Are you happy? Is your partner willing to change? Can you go on like this? What's in this for you? 

 

He’s always played the “ I grew up with no one around” card to be honest, because if I had a difficult past I try to better myself but I also admit that we are all different.... but trying it’s a must! I have now cut everything, he has no food or water and we live together. Luckily I do not pay rent because we have agreed that I was going to save back all the money that he’s  asked me in the past few years...I am slowly saving it back but we are very far from that amount and also I am thinking to leave him for good and that obviously means I’ll never see the rest of the money again. At this point I think my mental health goes above money and  his priorities because I have been taking care of him for so long that I don’t even know what’s happening to me anymore.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 9:13 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Yes above all else selly  you must look after yourself put yourself first. You are young don't let this put you off finding love with someone who will appreciate what a giving person you are. Best wishes

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 9:40 pm
Selly
(@selly)
Posted by: Charlieboy

Yes above all else selly  you must look after yourself put yourself first. You are young don't let this put you off finding love with someone who will appreciate what a giving person you are. Best wishes

Fingers Crossed - Thank you!!!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 10:05 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Hiya selly 

I hear what you say and Charlieboy has got it spot on as she knows aswell as I do that once you realise you've got a problem and it's effecting the people round about you, believe me you do everything in your power to stop gambling and prove to others aswell as yourself that you can get over this, and the way you do that is seeking the help handing over the finances, and taking it one day at a time as even if you've went a year without gambling your still a problem gambler and need to stop forever, I hope you get out off life what you deserve as it doesn't sound like you've been to happy for along period of time and just remember all the money you've gave to your partner in time you'll gain that back but you've got to do what's best for your mental well-being 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th July 2020 10:36 pm
laird1988
(@laird1988)

Sorry to sound blunt but your story doesn’t read to me as just simply someone who is struggling with gambling. I won’t risk being kicked off Gamcare by saying how I would describe the person you have described in your post. 

Even if only through guilt alone, he should be desperate to keep you happy after putting you through hell. Even at my worst moments, I would always be there for my wife when she was having a down day or needed help with something. Gambling is a terrible addiction that makes people miserable but most gamblers are hiding their problem from their partners meaning that on the face of it they are acting exactly like they would be if they weren’t gambling. If he is acting like this now I wouldn’t be too confident he would be a lot better (in terms of a partner) without betting

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Posted : 27th July 2020 2:10 am
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