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PreenyT
(@preenyt)

Hi all,

I hope someone can help me. I can’t talk to anyone about it as none of my partners family or friends know about his gambling. It started in his early 20’s and came to an abrupt end on November 30th when he told me everything. The debt he’s in, why he borrowed money off me, when he told me he stopped gambling he actually hadn’t.. I made the decision to stay with him as I care for him and want to help him through this but I’m really struggling to see past how he could have lied to me for 2 years like that. 
We have been arguing loads, me being the main cause and not being able to process the angry side of my emotions. I so want to move forward and not relate every thing he does as an act of war, if he innocently wants to play poker with his friends with a £5 limit (something which was never linked to his gambling and in his mind isn't an issue but my opinion is that it is still a form of gambling) So we're once again at a stand off. I’m not entirely sure how to process all this and begin to move forward productively. He has a plan in place for repaying his debt which is great and some great progress has been made since then too but aside from that I keep wanting him to say sorry to me everyday which is obviously unrealistic..!! Any advice would be hugely appreciated! 

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Posted : 4th April 2021 11:54 am
c43h
 c43h
(@c43h)

If he says he isn't hooked on poker he is probably right but it still fuels his dopamine so it is unhelpful. Let me ask you something. If he was an alcoholic or doing too much dope would you see him in different eyes? 

Gambling does not smell. It does not give you a hangover and you look and act quite normally on it. That makes it so much harder to deal with. One day Mr. Hyde the other Dr. Jekyll. 

I usually repeat this mantra. Don't trust him. He is a master at manipulation and he will want to feed his addiction. If you are selfish and look out for nr 1 (you) You can. Fix your own economy. See that your rent is secure. Deal with your own savings and if necessary do your own thing. Do not include him in that unless you are prepared to be hurt IF he should mess up.

It is perfectly possible to have a relationship with a gambler if you take your own precautions about your own financial security first. And know that you are dating an addict. Accept it for what it is. Lies are a part of the manipulation. You can just imagine the lies one does to oneself as an addict every time you lose yourself then you understand that you can not be exempt from that.

Best

C

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th April 2021 1:00 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi PreenyT, gambling is a very insidious addiction turns the gambler into a liar and master manipulator including me. I'm sure that 99% of gamblers are good people I haven't really met any on here or GA that I have thought o*g that person is a wrong un. We have all fallen foul of this addiction and it does turn you into someone that believe me even I didn't like. You would be best placed to do the family and friends chat room on here or find a Gamanon meeting both for family and friends of compulsive gamblers where you can share how you feel in a non judgemental environment and with people who have lived through what you are going through. I don't believe that compulsive gamblers can gamble in a controlled way it escalates and this is through my lived through experience, if I set a limit on an account I would open another account and on and on repeating the behaviour. For me abstinence has been the way to control myself and will be the only way for life in now 10months gamble free and no of course it hasn't been easy but so so worth it. You cannot fix your partner that comes from inside and a desire to stop...change...live life another way. I absolutely understand your anger but continuously arguing will not bring about what you desire get help for yourself talk to people who understand , you feel alone with this and that doesn't help you. I wish you all the best

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Posted : 4th April 2021 2:09 pm
Jej98
(@jej98)

Hi @preenyt 

I feel for you as I wanted to stay with my ex because I loved him and ultimately wanted to help him, we had much the same discussions as you have mentioned, we set up limits, we talked about savings and we self suspended all his accounts... ultimately he kept continuing his behavior but learned to hide it better and as a result the lack of trust and deceitfulness led to many arguments that got increasingly more frequent. 

 Unless he is wanting to help himself and begins to see it as a problem, then I believe from the help that I've received on here, that there is nothing you can do.  It has to come from him. 

It hurts, because if you are anything like me... you hope they will stop for your relationship and you and you just cant get your head around why your relationship, support and love isn't enough for them to see that they need to adjust this behavior.   Just please know it is NOTHING to do with you.  You can show him all the support and love in the world and be an amazing partner, but if he cannot see the problem with his habits.... it means nothing.  And it hurts.    

You ultimately have to make the decision and create boundaries for yourself.  What are you willing to put up with in a relationship?  Look after yourself.  

Here if you need to vent or rant about anything,  take care. 

H x 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th April 2021 2:49 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Preeny.

You have a difficult job on if you choose to help him. You need to build knowledge and strength.

You need a support network of family and friends to talk to. You are making the initial mistake of protecting his addiction with secrets.

You have to separate your love for him from some hard facts. You can not let this be a blind love or be a shrinking violet about it.

Its for the good of you both. A gambling addiction will affect you deeply. My view is that you tell him he needs help and if you want to talk it through with your mum for example you are allowed to do so.

Im not saying he is inherently bad but he is an addict and you need to protect yourself...keeping his secrets is not healthy. Obviously Im not saying blab it round town but you may need some counselling over this and your mental health comes first when this is not your fault.

Phone gamcare again and get plenty of advice. You have some decisions to make and you will be shellshocked and confused which is natural.

I dont want to say too much other than protect yourself and realise he cant keep gambling in any form when he has done so much damage.

Look after yourself

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

 

 

This post was modified 1 month ago by Joydivider
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Posted : 4th April 2021 4:38 pm
PreenyT
(@preenyt)

Hi H,

Thank you for the advice and outlook. It's true I feel like I've taken full responsibility of him with EVERYTHING. Helping him with his mindset around gambling and then everything that has come with it, how to focus at work, progress, try be more proactive, look after yourself (he's diabetic and his diet is awful)

Today I told him I am done trying to wrap him up in cotton wool and I am ready to just let him make his own decisions, ,make his own mistakes and I'll just support him. I'll let him know it's wrong... the first thing he does it goes and orders a donner kebab... GOOD ONE! Excellent way to show me you can be trusted with trust... lol

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Posted : 4th April 2021 7:27 pm
PreenyT
(@preenyt)

Hi Joy,

Thank you for your message. You are absolutely correct in that I need to look after myself and that is why I have made a decision that I do want to be with him, I can't control situations outside of my control ie if he wants to meet up with his mates, who love to talk about football and he's shut himself off from that world then so be it, if that becomes a habit and he begins watching sport in an unhealthy way again then I will have my answer. I can't walk away because I've not let any situation play out long enough as I have been controlling them to an extent!! It's hard to let go as I feel like I can already predict the mistakes 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th April 2021 7:31 pm
Lola0612
(@lola0612)

Hi Preeny,

Im sorry to hear what’s happened, it’s never easy on the loved ones of a gambling addict. I’m an ex gambling addict and a very common trait is lying to hide the addiction or lying to get money to gamble etc. 
It’s going to take time for you to trust him again and he should respect that.

Everyone deals with quitting in different ways but something you said I find alarming, is the fact that he is trying to separate poker from other gambling.

I was highly addicted to slots and online card games, I played poker too but I wasn’t as addicted to poker because it didn’t give me the quick rush of winning like the slots did. I had my attempts at quitting gambling except from poker because I told myself I wasn’t addicted. 

You can probably guess how that turned out, I’d play my poker games and get a taste of winning then find my way back to slots simply because I had that winning taste in my mouth. 

I believe when it comes to quitting gambling, it’s cold turkey or don’t bother. It’s too much temptation and your still feeding your brain with the adrenaline and dopamine. 

I had to remove myself from people in my life who were gambling connected or made me tempted. Cut off almost ALL of my friends. Don’t regret it one bit because those people didn’t respect that I needed to quit and continued to tempt me back.

I wish you all the best, if his going to quit he really needs to be committed and all in.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th April 2021 9:41 am
Joydivider
(@joydivider)
Posted by: PreenyT

Hi Joy,

Thank you for your message. You are absolutely correct in that I need to look after myself and that is why I have made a decision that I do want to be with him, I can't control situations outside of my control ie if he wants to meet up with his mates, who love to talk about football and he's shut himself off from that world then so be it, if that becomes a habit and he begins watching sport in an unhealthy way again then I will have my answer. I can't walk away because I've not let any situation play out long enough as I have been controlling them to an extent!! It's hard to let go as I feel like I can already predict the mistakes 

Thanks but as long as you realise its something you have to keep a firm eye on and you should be controlling all the money.

It sounds as though he may have social circles which will tempt him, As an addict "innocently" playing poker with his friends is not the case as it just keeps his gambling feelings alive. I accept that there are different triggers but I would be suspicious about £5 limits in poker as he might as well be playing for matchsticks.

The drug in gambling is the act and the risk...its not a wholesome activity you can just let him do...its an addictive vice which soon gets out of control as you have seen. 

You may not know what he is borrowing or who is lending him to gamble so you have to keep aware.

Its your decision but I just want to make you aware its not really something you can ease back on for a quiet life. Its an extremely dangerous addiction and once addicted abstention is the only way

His mind is used to manipulating you for a fix. he has a recovery to do for the rest of his life. You need to see genuine signs he is ready to make it all history. It doesnt just stop with a click of the fingers.

He has the cold turkey to do and his mind will heal with the right support and reality checks.

The bottom line is be proud of who you are and what you expect from others. He should be well aware that if he doesnt shape up, he doesnt deserve you. Its a reality check he needs.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

This post was modified 1 month ago by Joydivider
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Posted : 5th April 2021 2:53 pm
PreenyT
(@preenyt)

Hi Lola,

Thank you for your message and a huge congratulations to you for not gambling for 6 months, such an inspiring story!

I would like to ask for your opinion on what you think regarding my partner. He has always loved sports and found a way to dig himself out of debt by betting on matches meaning he could "have the best of both worlds"..

He has told me he is very in control of his mindset and how he feels towards sports in that he feels comfortable enough to start re-introducing sport back into his life because it's a want not a need or at least have the option to however I have explicity  said it doesn't make me feel comfortable because it's too soon.. but what is too soon?? He stopped gambling in November, he turned his sights into turning other things into an addiction which came to light 2 months ago so I feel like it's only been a recently that he's been "stable" 

I am scared that anything he WANTS to do may turn into a NEED. Is that possible? For example him playing football with his friends... what if that turns into something especially right now given in my opinion it's "too soon"?

 

Any advice/insight would be hugely appreciated!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th April 2021 4:37 pm
Lola0612
(@lola0612)
Posted by: PreenyT

Hi Lola,

Thank you for your message and a huge congratulations to you for not gambling for 6 months, such an inspiring story!

I would like to ask for your opinion on what you think regarding my partner. He has always loved sports and found a way to dig himself out of debt by betting on matches meaning he could "have the best of both worlds"..

He has told me he is very in control of his mindset and how he feels towards sports in that he feels comfortable enough to start re-introducing sport back into his life because it's a want not a need or at least have the option to however I have explicity  said it doesn't make me feel comfortable because it's too soon.. but what is too soon?? He stopped gambling in November, he turned his sights into turning other things into an addiction which came to light 2 months ago so I feel like it's only been a recently that he's been "stable" 

I am scared that anything he WANTS to do may turn into a NEED. Is that possible? For example him playing football with his friends... what if that turns into something especially right now given in my opinion it's "too soon"?

 

Any advice/insight would be hugely appreciated!

Hi preeny,

sorry for my delayed response. How is your partner doing?

I just think any form of gambling or winning is a recipe for disaster. You are right a want very quickly turns into a need. Your brain is getting dopamine fixes for every win or near win, which is why we gamble. 

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Posted : 4th May 2021 9:56 am
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