Basically, I had to go through my partners bank statements for a legal thing and found over 1000 spent last month... I looked into it and it's been going on a while.
I was told at the beginning that he had had a gambling problem but he said it was under control.
We have just joined finances and I lost all my benefits (was a single stay at home mum to 2 with ex and 1 with current partner)
It took a lot for me to trust enough to loose my income to live as a family with him, I struggle with mental health and trust issues after past domestic abuse and he knows that and how much it affects me.
Its thousands and thousands of pounds, and I've not even looked through many months. This is money that we need to not only live on as he currently isn't working but I'm also having to pay fees for a private law case which is unavoidable if I want protect my children.(can't say much about that)
I'm so hurt. I seen him on gambling sites and asked a few months back if there was any issues, he said no and I believed him. He said they have limits on them anyway so he couldn't spend too much but from what I seen, there are no limits.
I feel like my trust is totally betrayed and I've cried all day.
Asked him about it today, calmly, after talking to the support line on here and I was accused of attacking him about it and making him feel like a school boy being told off.. it went from that to me arguing back and eventually losing my temper, we both lost our tempers, he threatened to just leave and take all the money with him. We calmed down n talked again but
He says he doesn't get why I'm so upset cause all the bills are still being payed etc. Amd it's just cause hes bored then when I said hes making excuses, he got angry again.
I love him so much and I honestly thought he would mention it if he was having problems. I feel like he completely betrayed my trust and I dunno how to start getting that back..
I've told him I love him and if he doesn't get help now he has to leave bit I want him to stay and get help and let me support him with it, just no more lies, I cant handle my trust being broken.
Does anyone have good suggestions for next steps to take? He says hes deleted all his accounts and said I cam check, i didnt cause I feel guilty for checking but honestly I don't think I believe him about it now. He offered to transfer the rest of the money into our joint account so I can check it.. again, I feel guilty for taking up the offer but should I be foing it?
Any help is appreciated
Thanks
A gambling problem can't be controlled and they'll always make it anyone's fault but their own. The bills might be being paid for now but that can and does change overnight. The anger and defensiveness aren't good signs and however much you want to support you can't until he decides he wants to stop.
Until he gives up (this year, next year sometime, never) you will be in a constant whirl of second guessing what's going on. If he does give up you will have to be on top of everything financial permanently. No 100% trust where money's concerned and no guilt for not trusting.
Switch the focus from him and concentrate on what you want, how you want to live.
Hi Mumma 529.
This is about your pride and mental health. You must protect yourself because its no fun living with a gambler.
The tragic situation is that you cant trust him but if he is willing to recover he wont want your trust as its a small price to pay compared to the devastating ruin of a gambling addiction.
You will need advice and help to build a support network. He needs to be ready for help or you cant help him
ALL the money needs to come to you. He needs the reality check that you will be off to seek peace of mind if he doesnt sort himself out.
Im so sorry to have to say this but you are dealing with a gambling addiction which is extremely powerful. It is you or the addiction. If he enters a full recovery he may realise you are the best thing he ever had.
Its a nasty addiction though which wont let him go easily.
Joint accounts are not the option....Do you Understand??!
You have an account in your name and he has an account in his name...you give him a sandwich, petrol or shirt allowance with full receipts provided.
Confused... scared? The fog will clear when you get help and support. This is no game about a silly flutter...it ruins people and it shreds relationships for breakfast. a gambling addiction will take you on the train ride to pure hell
There is hope if you love him and he loves you. The addiction will be made history but you can both never be complacent for the rest of your lives.
Im sounding tough because you need to be tough. This is about tough love now and not being a shrinking violet.
You have no guilt whatever your decision...its not your fault
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi Mumma529,
I'm sorry to hear that you are facing this very difficult situation.
The part of your post that is most concerning for me is that you have been treated badly with domestic abuse and that you have mental health issues. Have you had psychologically support to help you recover your sense of self from the trauma you have been through? The reason why I ask this is because if you have a unhealthy sense of self then you could end up being taken advantage of with unhealthy relationships that are detrimental to yourself and family.
I think it's very easy to get caught in the goal of changing the gambler but unfortunately the desire and actions have to come from them.
I really hope that he does wake up and smell the coffee for the sake of you and your family but I believe most of your focus should be on yourself so that you and your children are protected from more financial and psychological harm.
Kind regards
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