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It's the trust...not the gambling....  

 
lexieK
(@lexiek)

So this might be long one....get a cuppa and thank you if you get to the end! 

I'll try to summarise and before you say it, yes I am very stupid and should never had carried on with him but i did and I love him!

Met my partner in March 2017, he explained to me he "had" been a Gambling addict but been good for about a year, had done steps programme and had a sponsor.  He had been declared bankrupt due to the debt and lost his parter and daughter as a result - he does see her now so all good there, but lost the life he thought he was going to have.

We had a super rocky start to our relationship with me finding out he had been "virtually" messing around on me for about a year on and off. Chatting to girls and watching, paying for, and using inappropriate material for a man in a loving stable relationship. Anyway, lots of hard words and lots of promises and we moved in, had a baby (!) and got married in March this year 2019. I love him. Love the absolute bones of him. Never loved like this.  I also have a failed marriage of 15 years and 2 other kids, so 4 kids altogether! (13,8,7,1)

In August this year we went to Ascot on free tickets.  I asked and questioned him if this was a good idea, said we wouldn't go etc etc, I did all the right things as far as I am concerned but you guess it, the days bets of £2 here and there then lead to a £6.5k relapse on the credit card! Very luckily for him he's won back around £5k so the financial damage is repairable, just about.  I found out about it on Saturday when we did our monthly budget and I wanted to look in his credit card app to check the balance. He got shirty with me and so I thought he was paying for girls online again.....but no it was the bets.

He's distraught at what hes done again, after so long. Was his longest break after gambling from 18-33....... he went to a GA meeting yesterday and is seeing his sponsor tonight.  I 100% believe he will kick this again and I will support that.  He's taken action quickly and is very positive about his way forward.  He's going to another meeting tomorrow as well and might be too keen to do this....maybe a little too OTT about how he will do well. Very positive from him.

I've taken all financial control away from him again, which is hard to do it alone and have all the stress and worry for the bills, but we both have good jobs and it will be ok.  

BUT and this is my problem. He lied to me.  He didn't need to. He could have relapsed and not lied. We have spoken at great lengths about how is ex partners responded and he knows how different I am. I don't scream and shout or kick him out. I said i would also love and support and he knows this. He didn't need to lie. Really didnt. He made out I was mad a few weeks ago when I found random paypal payments - again I though girls - but now I know it was bets but he made me feel so bad for questioning him again and not trusting him still.

I've contacted Relate to try to get some relationship support for the trust issues. 

How can I ever trust him? First MAJOR issues around him and cheating online and now this......I'm beyond upset. I thought our wedding vows would mean he would lose the ability to lie to me, but I was very wrong. Seems the guy has no conscience when it comes to his ability to lie to me. 

Very confused, hurt and scared. 

thanks xx

Quote
Posted : 23rd September 2019 12:49 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi LexieK and welcome to the forum.

Now deep breaths becuase you will gain strength through learning, knowledge and support.

You need to ensure you are protected financially and you need your eyes wide open. There is no room for complacency and you cant be 100% sure about anything until you see the signs that he feels a serenity and relief to be entering a full recovery.

A gambling addiction is a drug addiction. It destroys relationships for breakfast. You have no relationship if he is an gambling addict because the devastating truth is the addiction is more powerful than love.

Im not saying he is a bad person. Im saying he has urges and an illness that will totally destroy him and take you and the kids along for the hellride.

I cant cover everything now but you need to tell him again that gambling is NOT acceptable to you and it will have consequences for your staying together....Tough yes but this is no time to shrink away.

Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with one.

Now all compulsive gamblers lie to get their fix. I was effectively defrauding my parents into bailing me out time and time again. When I told them the truth it was part of a born again moment.

The question is are you ready because he needs cold turkey and you will be providing him with a petrol and shirt allowance with all receipts back to you. The trust issue is nothing compared to an addiction which kills people.

You will need to  regularly control and see his credit report to ensure he isnt getting loans or has secret loans.

As I said protect yourself ,gain strength and then you can help him if he is ready for help.

The sad fact is that if he isnt ready to recover properly and fights it, you will have to walk away for your own peace of mind and the security of the children.

It can be beaten into history but he will need the serenity to realise that he can never be complacent and will be monitored to some degree for the rest of his life. A small price to pay to get control of his life back and have a quality of life

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 4 weeks ago by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th September 2019 11:42 am
lexieK
(@lexiek)

Thank you @joydivider for your response.

Super helpful words to me.

He's very positive and almost too up for beating it again, he's seen his sponsor and made 2 GA classes in 4 days. I am now the official monitor of everything...its hard and it hurts that I don't have his support any longer with a lot of things but needs must it seems. 

Who knows if our relationship can survive right now, I just want to help him first and then see. But it's hard to help and support when I feel so broken, its not the gambling that really hurts but the lies, he truly didn't need to lie about it and he does know that. Who knows right now what a day will bring. 

 

thanks x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th September 2019 12:05 pm
Cliffords-had-enough
(@cliffords-had-enough)

Hi Lexie,

 

You REALLY need to read the story of the frog and the scorpion... (if you can't find it, let me know...)

It is about basic nature, and all gamblers can and will lie when the addiction is on them... Nothing can stop it...

Don't be hurt and angry, be positive and plan and prepare for life with a gambling addict, whether they are gambling currently or not...

 

Good luck...

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th September 2019 3:00 pm
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