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Confused03
(@confused03)
Posted by: Leeslies

Hiya,

yes same in this house I stupidly trusted again and again over the years although he has never gave me access to anything to do with his finances… I’m really starting to get upset again tonight.. i thought I was doing ok. He’s came in tonight and got in the bath got dressed up and went out. He’s done this a few times in the last couple of weeks…it’s stressing me out … I’m heartbroken that he can just get on with day to day life and not give a backward glance at the carnage he’s caused! How can he just sweep it all under the carpet and get on with it knowing he’s lost his family life?? 
although  he probably thinks he hasn’t because he’s refusing to move out but still wants to carry on without thinking about his family? He was even singing to himself the other day like he’s happy!!?!?  I wonder if anyone else on here thinks this is strange behaviour and does it look like he’s bothered at what he’s done? Is he ready to give up gambling for good? I’m so down tonight.. 20 Years of my life wasted on him. It’s just so painful to watch him not give a d**n.  

Is it possible that he is pretending to make you take back what you said? 

If he is seriously enjoying his life now then he honestly is not worth it...I know it's hard not to feel hurt and upset as 20 years is a long time. Can you not speak to his parents about it & ask them to have a word with him about his gambling? x

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Posted : 8th September 2021 6:44 pm
Leeslies
(@leeslies)

Hi confused, 

In the past. When he’s been found out he has pretty much done the same thing so it could be he’s purposely trying to get a reaction but he doesn’t really have a circle of mates at all.. only a couple of people he works with .. and he never liked socialising or went out much at all. 
His later father knew about his gambling and hinted he had bailed him out on more than one occasion. But it wasn’t talked about .. his mother isn’t bothered about him and maybe that’s why he has issues.. he’s actually very boring and never wanted to meet with friends we never went out and enjoy nights with couples because he didn’t want to .. sad cos I’m very sociable..  I think I just need to stop caring as much … it’s so hard though. Do you honestly think he sounds serious about quitting this horrible addiction? 

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Posted : 8th September 2021 6:55 pm
Confused03
(@confused03)
Posted by: Leeslies

Hi confused, 

In the past. When he’s been found out he has pretty much done the same thing so it could be he’s purposely trying to get a reaction but he doesn’t really have a circle of mates at all.. only a couple of people he works with .. and he never liked socialising or went out much at all. 
His later father knew about his gambling and hinted he had bailed him out on more than one occasion. But it wasn’t talked about .. his mother isn’t bothered about him and maybe that’s why he has issues.. he’s actually very boring and never wanted to meet with friends we never went out and enjoy nights with couples because he didn’t want to .. sad cos I’m very sociable..  I think I just need to stop caring as much … it’s so hard though. Do you honestly think he sounds serious about quitting this horrible addiction? 

My husband is the same & doesn't meet with friends much. But when his addiction wasn't as bad as it is now, he did used to meet up with friends. Now he seems content to stay at home. He even blames me when we argue and says he stays at home all the time..it's so stupid because I never stopped him from going out. And when he is home, he may as well not be because he is in his own little world and none of us exist it feels like.

I reckon your other half is like this because of the gambling. Probably before all this he was totally different. My husband was different before when his gambling was less and probably before we even met, he was even more different then I'm guessing. 

Yeah there must be a reason why he started gambling in the first place. With my husband I think it was the pressures of paying for his fees to study & also supporting his family back home. Someone must have shown him betting as an easy way out & it's obviously spiralled out of control.

Since he doesn't go out much, you should get him to babysit the kids and go out meet with friends. It honestly does help to get out and not think about all this for a while. I met up with my best friend the other week and it helped so much. For a while I felt relaxed & my normal self.

Have you suggested he goes to meetings? I sent my husband a list of the nearest ones to us but I don't know if he will bother to go...they all seem to be in the late evenings for some reason. I don't know why anyone would want to live with a constant worry about how to pay off debts if they could get help to stop their gambling addiction.

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Posted : 8th September 2021 9:26 pm
Leeslies
(@leeslies)

Hi confused… 

He has always struggled in social settings and needs a drink to start and relax I’ve always thought he was autistic.

Today he says he’s going to work away!! 
he will never get better if he does that so I think the deal is done and it’s over . How can he give up his family like that?? Without ever trying ? He makes me sick! 

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Posted : 9th September 2021 2:54 pm
Confused03
(@confused03)
Posted by: Leeslies

Hi confused… 

He has always struggled in social settings and needs a drink to start and relax I’ve always thought he was autistic.

Today he says he’s going to work away!! 
he will never get better if he does that so I think the deal is done and it’s over . How can he give up his family like that?? Without ever trying ? He makes me sick! 

Well that is just weird...how does he think that will help?? 

I hope he realises everything he is risking with this behaviour of his...the thing with gambling is I read on this site that it's an addiction similar to drug addiction. He is clearly not thinking straight. 

Have you tried sitting down & speaking to him? Asking him what his plans are? And where do you and the kids fit in?

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Posted : 9th September 2021 9:10 pm
Leeslies
(@leeslies)

Hi confused, 

Thankyou for the reply .. he’s still acting like a child who’s been found out.. his whole attitude is one of… yeah well I’ve been caught but I was going to stop anyway and I’ve done all I can . (self exclude)  so what do you want me to do?? You are the one that’s called it a day?? What am I supposed to do? I’m can do anything can I??  That’s basically what comes out of his mouth… he’s almost thinks he’s in the right and what a pat on the back for self excluding!!! To me that’s just one of a hundred things he can do to help himself . On reflection I don’t think he would go away to work unless I psychically kicked him out!! He’s been in the same job since he was 18 … no pay rises in ages … but it’s the easy simple life he has .. god I’m so bitter. I hate feeling such resentment but it bloody hurts!! 
How’s things with you and your husband? 
We’ve just got to keep putting one foot into front of the other and hope for the best .

I hope you and the kids are doing ok Thanks again for listening 😌

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Posted : 10th September 2021 4:26 pm
Confused03
(@confused03)
Posted by: Leeslies

Hi confused, 

Thankyou for the reply .. he’s still acting like a child who’s been found out.. his whole attitude is one of… yeah well I’ve been caught but I was going to stop anyway and I’ve done all I can . (self exclude)  so what do you want me to do?? You are the one that’s called it a day?? What am I supposed to do? I’m can do anything can I??  That’s basically what comes out of his mouth… he’s almost thinks he’s in the right and what a pat on the back for self excluding!!! To me that’s just one of a hundred things he can do to help himself . On reflection I don’t think he would go away to work unless I psychically kicked him out!! He’s been in the same job since he was 18 … no pay rises in ages … but it’s the easy simple life he has .. god I’m so bitter. I hate feeling such resentment but it bloody hurts!! 
How’s things with you and your husband? 
We’ve just got to keep putting one foot into front of the other and hope for the best .

I hope you and the kids are doing ok Thanks again for listening 😌

It's so frustrating isn't it? I feel constantly stressed by the whole situation I'm in & I can imagine you feel the same about your situation.

Things are still the same unfortunately. He is still giving off the vibe that I did something wrong when really he caused this friction between us by saying some nasty things to me. His gambling addiction has reached the stage that it has made him say awful things to me when he is stressed about his money worries. I don't know how things can improve unless he seeks professional help & blocks all these gambling websites . I can only see his mood becoming worse as the debts get higher 😔

 

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Posted : 10th September 2021 5:07 pm
Leeslies
(@leeslies)

Evening confused,

yeah I get the horrible nasty comments too! ..anything to shift the blame or push it all onto someone else..  he’s just oozing  arrogance and a heartbreaking ‘don’t care’ attitude… it makes me sick because he has caused all of this!! I’m now starting to think of all the nasty things hes said and done over the years … and the more I think about it the more I realise he had this addiction pretty much from the start!

I’m still utterly shocked that hes still making excuses for his behaviour.. when he gave up betting last time I supported him and he was very black n white about it , saying because he has closed the online stuff he would be fine! …countless times I said to him ‘how are you feeling’? let me know if you get the urge to bet and talk to me but he played it down over n over saying he feel good and didn’t miss it at all.

He kept agreeing to the counsellor he was seeing on the zoom calls that he could see why it was wrong and he now knew it was indeed a “mugs game”?!?!? . So he even convinced the bloody woman helping him!!! 

He lies and tells everyone what he thinks they want to here! And I’m done listening to it. 
And still living with him is draining the life out of me… he is acting like we are still a couple! I was sleeping from nightshift the other day and he came into my bedroom!( I moved all his clothes and stuff into my youngest sons room and he now sleeps in Theresa has no business to even come into my room! ) and started to close the curtains … I sed what are you doing in here!!!!???? He says people will see you in bed !! 
I flipped and sed “and??? What the hell has that got to do with you now?? Why do you care?? Get out !!! X 

I honestly cringe at my behaviour sometimes but he’s making me lose the plot!!! And I still can’t look at him. .. why doesn’t he bloody care that he has lost his family!! ??? Xx 

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Posted : 11th September 2021 8:39 pm
Confused03
(@confused03)
Posted by: Leeslies

Evening confused,

yeah I get the horrible nasty comments too! ..anything to shift the blame or push it all onto someone else..  he’s just oozing  arrogance and a heartbreaking ‘don’t care’ attitude… it makes me sick because he has caused all of this!! I’m now starting to think of all the nasty things hes said and done over the years … and the more I think about it the more I realise he had this addiction pretty much from the start!

I’m still utterly shocked that hes still making excuses for his behaviour.. when he gave up betting last time I supported him and he was very black n white about it , saying because he has closed the online stuff he would be fine! …countless times I said to him ‘how are you feeling’? let me know if you get the urge to bet and talk to me but he played it down over n over saying he feel good and didn’t miss it at all.

He kept agreeing to the counsellor he was seeing on the zoom calls that he could see why it was wrong and he now knew it was indeed a “mugs game”?!?!? . So he even convinced the bloody woman helping him!!! 

He lies and tells everyone what he thinks they want to here! And I’m done listening to it. 
And still living with him is draining the life out of me… he is acting like we are still a couple! I was sleeping from nightshift the other day and he came into my bedroom!( I moved all his clothes and stuff into my youngest sons room and he now sleeps in Theresa has no business to even come into my room! ) and started to close the curtains … I sed what are you doing in here!!!!???? He says people will see you in bed !! 
I flipped and sed “and??? What the hell has that got to do with you now?? Why do you care?? Get out !!! X 

I honestly cringe at my behaviour sometimes but he’s making me lose the plot!!! And I still can’t look at him. .. why doesn’t he bloody care that he has lost his family!! ??? Xx 

It sounds like he is waiting for you to cave in and just be ok with him again & accept what has happened 😒 My husband is doing the same thing but is giving me the same behaviour I am giving him...like as if he is waiting for me to give in. I normally do but this time he overstepped the mark & made an awful comment about my parents. And in my head I keep thinking what an ungrateful sod he is because my family have bent over backwards to help him and me.

We are currently living in my brother's house but we will need to move out next year (when my brother and his family are ready to move in). We have been living here for 4 years paying low rent & my husband is so bloody ungrateful. If our relationship manages to make it through to next year, we'll just see if he realises how good my family have been to him. I checked normal rent prices and they are extremely high..we'll see how he spends money like water on his stupid betting and manages to pay rent..in hindsight I realise that the last 5 to 6 years my family allowing us to live low rent in their properties has not helped things. It left my husband with more money to himself to spend on his betting. This needs to stop though.

He didn't even used to tell me his salary 😒 the last couple of years I managed to see his tax thing (the one that shows tax paid in the year & salary) but he flat out denied it until I showed him a pic I had taken of it...can't believe he even tried to convince me his salary is lower. He blew at least £13k of his salary last year on gambling..that doesn't include any overdrafts. I calculated that based on what he has been putting in to our joint account and what he would have had left for himself.

The lies drive me mental...honestly it's like lying has become as natural as breathing..don't you think? It's crazy..

I sometimes felt tempted to hire a private detective just so I could know for sure what is going on.

You know recently I checked with the bank about a joint mortgage because he kept pestering me about it. The mortgage advisor accidentally let it slip that my husband has a different address on file to me...honestly what do you think that means?? He said he has 2 addresses listed & one is the same as me but the other one is different. He told me the postcode and it's not anywhere we have ever lived before. When I questioned him about it, he said that he changed his address because he made me pretend to buy an item from Shpock from him and if we both have the same address it will look suspicious...to me that sounds like complete bull$%t because how would Shpock be able to tell what our address is put down as with the bank? Doesn't even make sense...

xxx

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Posted : 11th September 2021 9:27 pm
Leeslies
(@leeslies)

Oh confused! 
He sounds just as selfish and devious as mine!!. I’ve came to the conclusion that they actually believe the c**P that they make up in their heads!!!! 
I’m like you ..he has really overstepped the mark with my mum too!  My dad died last year and my poor mum is still very sad and lost without him ..my  parents have also done a lot to help us out over the years! But getting me to ask my mum for money was disgustingly low! He told me it was for the car and all along it was to get him out of yet another mess!!!  
 Your husband sounds like he’s hiding more I’m afraid… they are so sneaky and why do they get all narky when we don’t believe a word that comes out!!! I think we’ve probably both got to prepare for more shocks… there a lot more coming here I’m sure of it..cos I still have that uneasy feeling in my tummy!! Although I’ve had that 20 yrs with him now! I’m just still soooo angry!!!  He’s going out nearly every night now … I hope he has found himself another woman cos then as least I will have total closure and I could start to move on with my life. ..although quite who else would have him is ..honestly beyond me! I’m just so sick of lies! I also worry if he’s out at a pub or watching football there’s going to be others talking about bets and then there’s the fruit machines which are another big problem of his!!! Not the best for any recovery! 
 Stay strong I’m thinking of you! We can get thru this and deserve a hell of a lot better! This is no way to live! Xx 

This post was modified 2 weeks ago by Leeslies
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Posted : 13th September 2021 7:56 pm
Confused03
(@confused03)

Things have gotten worse here & we had a full blown argument yesterday. During the argument he had the nerve to say its his money, it's not like he used my money! That really P****s me off when he says that because funny how when I spend my money on our family, he doesn't refer to that as my money...but when he spends on his betting, it becomes his money. What a bloody joke.

He is adamant he hasn't got a problem. He says I have a problem & I'm not mentally right because I'm always doubting him. i said can you blame me when you are always acting suspicious & lying to me? He said he doesn't need professional help as he hasn't got any debt or problem with gambling. Honestly I can't see that he will get help & at the rate he is going, he will end up losing more than just money. He will lose me and the kids at the rate he is going. Every day I lose more respect for him. I can't imagine things ever improving. If he can't even take the first step and admit he has a problem then how can we resolve things?? I was hoping he would attend some meetings and see a counsellor. 

I think you're right and a lot more shocks are in store for us. I just wish I knew what was going on and what he is hiding.

I really feel exactly how you feel. I just want closure and to move on with my life. I don't want this to be my life. I said to him yesterday everyone else is moving forward in their lives and he is still where he was 8 years ago. Honestly he has nothing to show for it...and I can't imagine he will ever be able to buy a house..actually forget house..he won't even be able to buy a flat anytime soon!! He spent over £1k in one day on bets but I brought our car for £1k which he couldn't even afford to buy...honestly it makes me feel so mad. Like honestly how on earth can someone be so stupid & have so little pride in themselves? This is what he wants from life..just to worry constantly how he will pay for his betting addiction..wow what a life..

How are your kids doing? I really hope things get better for you guys.xxx

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Posted : 13th September 2021 10:25 pm
Leeslies
(@leeslies)

Oh they really aren’t living in the real world! You’ll be furious are you? .. it’s like banging your head against a brick wall!!I understand it’s an addiction but I’m sure my partner also has a personality disorder … he’s like a stroppy child with issues!  Mine has admitted to having a problem but it’s all very matter of fact… yes I have a problem so I will barred myself from the betting shops and that’s the problem sorted! Grrrrrr it’s not that simple you little lying creep !!! Otherwise surely you would of stopped years ago and we could of been living a completely different life!!!! And why are we the only ones in this that seem to be on the verge of breaking down ?.. when he goes to bed i hear him snoring after 10 mins and there’s me tossing and turning worrying myself stupid!!? Does your husband see your upset? And how are your kids coping with it all?  I haven’t broke down in front of him this time but I have in the past and it’s then he sometimes started to show a bit of remorse .. not much mind… he will go on to blame me for stuff to try and deflect from him … it’s like he wants to feel like it’s not all him!! 
It bloody well is!! Gambling is to blame every single time! 
..do you know as well as not buying so much as a new pan in about 15yrs he doesn’t pay for any shower gels or deodorant!!! We take turns paying for the weekly shop and it’s ALWAYS me that buys the extras!!!!  On his week to pay he picks up the 49p shower gel! And other cheap stuff…( don’t get me wrong I like some cheap things but some stuff is worth a bit more)  And its fine if he wants to use the no frills one But I like nicer ones ( dove radox or whatever is £1 ish ) … however the tight pig doesn’t use them! He actually takes and uses the better ones that I get!! … it just really infuriates me that he waits till I’m not in and then takes all the nicer products to use for himself that he wouldnt dream of paying for!!!! It’s just sneaky and sly!! 
so on the back of this I hid the deodorants and the kids ones too the other night because I’m so sick of paying for everything… anyway I caught him on the hive camera in the house opening the cupboard and laughing to himself because he found it!!! So when I told him I knew he was using our stuff  yday he looked me in the eye and sed…” what are you talking about”? “Your nuts I didn’t”!!! But then started sniggering !!! Honestly I wanted to smack him so hard!!! Taking the P**s out of us is nothing but one big joke to him… I hate more every day!! 
sorry I’m rambling again! I hope your husband can at least accept he has a problem! But you sound like me and the wounds are just growing bigger and more painful everyday!! 
kids are doing ok but think our  youngest is hurting more than he makes out x  it’s devastating the mess and heartache this has caused! X

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Posted : 14th September 2021 8:28 pm
Leeslies
(@leeslies)

Oh and I forgot add yup mines been stuck in the same dead end job since he was 18!!! You would think he’d want to better himself for his family but as long as he had money to bet then he’s happy!! 
Must be lovely to have such a carefree and simple life!! 

 He has no idea about house maintenance, household bills ,working while sorting the kids .. and I look after my mum and now the worry and stress of gambling and debt hanging over us! 
but it’s ok cos he STILL sleeps well at night!! Wow! Just wow! 🥺🤬

 

 

 

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Posted : 14th September 2021 8:34 pm
Confused03
(@confused03)

We honestly both sound like we are in the same boat 😔

My husband is snoring in less than 10 minutes as well whereas I stress every day & night about our kids futures. Some of the stuff you have written, I honestly could have written the same as I feel exactly like you do!

My husband has just been trying to keep himself busy so that he doesn't bet. In the house I haven't seen him looking at anything suspicious but what he does out of the house, I'll never know. I mean this will just be like all the previous times where he acts like he is fine again but is secretly betting on the sly. It's just like you said..it's not that easy to give up. Mine hasn't even blocked himself from the sites..I mean he could have put blocks on his bank accounts so he couldn't place bets using those accounts but he hasn't even done that basic thing. He clearly doesn't want to give up his precious gambling..clearly gambling is more important to keep in his life than his wife and kids 😒 Honestly it makes me so mad. It's like how can anyone be sooooo stupid??? 

My daughter seems to have picked up on the tension and she has said a few times "Mummy, daddy is naughty. He shouted at you. He doesn't play with you anymore". She's only little. My son is a baby so he doesn't have a clue what's going on & is oblivious.

The being a cheapskate thing I can totally relate to. My husband has never brought clothes for himself since we got married and it's been 8 years! I am always buying clothes for him. I hate the thought that he has been wearing the same clothes and hasn't updated his wardrobe so I tend to buy things that I think will look good on him. But has he ever done the same for me? No. The odd occasion he has brought me an outfit for a special occasion but usually cos I have nagged him.

And up until last year I paid for all our holidays (apart from the couple of times we went back home to our country). He never once said oh you don't need to do that, I'll pay 😒 But Mr millionaire thinks he has money coming out of his a**e since that's how he thinks he can afford £1000 in a day on betting 🤦‍♀️ He didn't even seem remotely embarrassed that he spent such a huge amount on gambling. He could have brought a car with that money (he also spent £700+ the following day) as our one is always having issues & looks so cheap and old now.

You know the last couple of days he has refused to let me make him tea like as if he is in a huff with me. Bloody cheek of it. My parents are staying with us at the moment so I'm having to be civil in front of them. But can you believe the audacity??

Honestly I don't even get why he seems to act like he is God's gift or something..its like hello you bring nothing to this relationship. I spend every minute of every day doing what I can for our family & all he does is goes to work, bets & sleeps...wow what an amazing life he has 😒😒 I don't even get him to do chores round the house. I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping etc. He watchs the kids when I have to do cooking or something but that seems more like a he has to, not he wants to if you know what I mean.

I don't know why it's so hard to just go to a meeting or call up the helpline..anything really to show he wants to change.

Every day I've been looking at flats to rent and the rent prices are like £1200 for 2 bedroom flats..he can afford to pay that but it seems so high compared to the £850 including bills we currently pay. But maybe this might be the wake up call he needs. He needs to see what the real world is like when you don't have someone to help you.

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Posted : 14th September 2021 10:03 pm
Leeslies
(@leeslies)

Sorry for the late reply confused..

Had a bad day yesterday..I think everything just got on top on me! He goes out most nights and treats the house like a hotel! So made the decision to stop doing his washing and ironing! I’m not prepared to make sure he’s got clean clothes to go out to god knows where!! I’ve got so much more going on with the kids and they are my priority  …my youngest didn’t get into the school we wanted and so ive took the hard choice and decided to home school him until I find a school which he likes… poor kid has enough to deal with without been shoved in a school where he doesn’t know anyone! 
He dad continues to act like I’m the one in the wrong here and I’ve been the unreasonable one calling him out on his stupid betting problems!! Do you what ? If he had came to me at the start and sed look im so sorry ..I know I’ve hurt you yet again but I really do understand now that I have a bad addiction and Im going to get as much help to beat it as I can and  also I will  be a proper man and go and apologise to your Mam about the money I lied about! It was a horrible thing to do!!
…But I’ve had nothing but nasty stroppy behaviour like I’ve  caused the whole thing!!! Im absolutely worn out I just wish he would leave. .. How’s things with you ?? It must be so hard when you have your parents visiting .. trying to put on an act is exhausting too!! X It’s disgusting the amount of money they have wasted! … I know you sed yours hasn’t even self excluded yet but mine has and I still think it’s all another act to shut me up! I just don’t think he’s coming across as serious and he’s totally in remorseful! .. I don’t think he will change now..😞

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Posted : 16th September 2021 7:27 pm
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