I’m so tired

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(@witsend91)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

A bit of background ... I’ve been with my partner for 8 years, I always knew he gambled but I never thought anything more than the odd bet on the football, a trip to the races or ending up at a casino with his friends at the end of a night out. 

After about 2 years we moved into a rented flat together and opened a joint account to pay bills and start saving for a deposit to eventually buy somewhere. I didn’t have the internet banking for this account and he was in charge of paying the bills. 
One day I used the card at an atm and found it to be empty. It would’ve only had maybe a little over £1000 in it. I’d also lent him a considerable amount of money for other things like fixing his car (all of which I now realise was because he couldn’t manage it himself) but it’s not the money that’s important. This is when I found out about his gambling addiction. We ended up separating for about a year because having been treated badly in a previous relationship I couldn’t stand the break of trust. 

He got help and we got back on track, though I would never again trust him with paying the bills etc. I have a good job and don’t rely on him for financial stability so I guess that helps. 

Yesterday I found out he’d relapsed and had sunk even lower by stealing money from his place of work. He realised there was no way out so had to ask me for help to replace the money.

Would he have told me about this relapse had he not needed me to bail him out? I don’t think so. 

I want to be supportive but I don’t think I can go through all this again. Am I just enabling his behaviour by always being there? Is he just with me to be his get out of jail card? Do I really want to continue my life with this Jekyll/Hyde character? How could I ever bring a child into this environment? 

I feel so isolated as I don’t feel I can confide in friends/family anymore as I know their response would be to leave.

Sorry for the super long post. I don’t know what I’m hoping to gain, maybe just to speak to others who understand. 

This topic was modified 4 years ago by witsend91
 
Posted : 6th January 2020 9:30 pm
KS2
 KS2
(@ks2)
Posts: 498
 

Sorry to hear your story.

In terms of help, please try and find your nearest Gam-anon meeting for partners of gamblers.

You can’t cure him, you can’t change him. You are in danger of wasting your life with him.

Do not bail him out. Ever.

“I couldn’t risk him losing his job or getting into trouble with the police etc. “

He is an adult and a thief. He is not your child. He needs to face the consequences of his actions. What happens when he steals more or commits fraud. Will you bail him out again?

sorry for the brutal advice but you need to put yourself first. And keep putting yourself first.

 
Posted : 6th January 2020 10:29 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5944
Admin
 

Dear @witsend91,

Thank you for sharing your post, I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult at the moment and that you feel so isolated.

We would always encourage you to open up to your support network when possible, I know this isn't always easy and you may not always like what they have to say despite it coming from a good place because they care about you. It is important that you're not alone with this and that you have people supporting you, especially your Family and Friends.

It would be good to speak to your GP too if you feel any detrimental changes to your health, mental health, sleep pattern or appetite so that they can offer you their support and guidance.

You can also access an online meeting every Sunday evening from 8pm until 9pm by visiting http://gamanon.org.uk/ This is for the Family and Friends of problem gamblers.

It sounds as though the problem gambling has become very problematic and is having a serious negative impact on both you and your partner. Would you feel safe and able to ask your partner to call us for support and advice please? 

Problem gambling is a challenge, many people do go on to overcome their problem gambling and there is so much help and support available once your partner is ready to reach out, make the change and accept it. It's good to hear that he asked for help in the past, this shows he can do it again. We can talk through strategies and blocks that may help when he calls us.

I'm concerned to hear your partner has stolen from you in the past and has now stolen from work. It may be beneficial for him to contact the Citizens Advice to get further help and legal advice with his current situation of theft which is a serious offence. 

I understand you felt you had no option other than to help your partner, we would always advise against lending money as this does not help tackle the problem gambling although I fully appreciate why you wanted to help him with this.

Please also be cautious when helping your partner after he has committed a crime, again it may help to speak to the Citizens Advice to get further support and help with this.

Please remember that it is ok to put firm boundaries in place and to make it clear that you support the recovery, not the gambling.

Please also remember that you are never alone in this and that we're here for you and so is our supportive forum community and live chat room users should you wish to access that too? It opens from 1pm until 2pm and then from 8pm until 9pm.

You can call our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or access our Netline via our GamCare website for further support, advice and help. We can also make a free referral to one of our Treatment Partners to get you some support sessions if you feel this would help?

Be kind to yourself and remember that your own wellbeing, health, mental health, happiness and support network is just as important as your partners and that we're here for you both.

Kindest Regards

Joanne

Forum Admin

 

 

 

This post was modified 4 years ago 2 times by Forum admin
 
Posted : 6th January 2020 11:55 pm
(@witsend91)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

Thank you for your response @ks2 - I need the brutal advice so no need to apologise. 

I guess that is what I struggle with - the balance between protecting myself and getting on with my own life whilst still trying to be a good partner and support him. I know that low self esteem is such a trigger for gamblers so I don’t want my actions or attitude to cause him to spiral more. How do you do both? 

This post was modified 4 years ago by witsend91
 
Posted : 7th January 2020 7:35 am
(@witsend91)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

@forum-admin thanks for your response. I have only just found this site so still finding my way around - will definitely make use of the resources you have suggested. 

Since the last incident I have taken control of any joint finances - paying rent, bills etc and I would be able to manage these on my own wage should the need arise so I am comfortable with that. I have put some strict boundaries in place regarding his own money management and he seems willing to relinquish control of that to me as I think he has realised he cannot manage it himself, though the proof is in the pudding (or whatever that saying is). Similarly he has outlined what help he Is going to access, I will encourage him to call your team as this is not something he has mentioned. Only time will tell. 

Since the last incident I learnt not to be so reliant on him for my own happiness - I go out with friends/family, trips away etc. But I think this is one of the things I still struggle with as I said in my reply to another member. I wish we could do more of those things together and so does he ... I don’t want to make him feel worse and trigger a further downward spiral. 

Anyway I’m rambling. I would appreciate the referral - thank you. 

 
Posted : 7th January 2020 7:51 am
KS2
 KS2
(@ks2)
Posts: 498
 

Hi witsend91,

"How do you do both?"

Ponder on this.

You can be as loving and supportive of him as anyone could imagine. However, it might not make a blind bit of difference. You say its a relapse but he could have been gambling for months again (or years).

Gamblers are master of deception (and self deception). It's a hell of step from a brief relapse to theft from an employer.

Excellent advice from Forum-admin and I'd suggest using the free referral to one of their Treatment Partners to get you some support sessions - after all what harm can that do ?

I'd re-iterate the advice to contact Gamanon. 

Other partners will provide a wealth of advice - certainly far better than I could.

I hope you can work your way through this and find some peace and serenity in your own life.

Ken

 
Posted : 7th January 2020 8:02 am
AndyJ
(@andyj)
Posts: 58
 

Hi Witsend91,

Thank you for sharing your post. Although GF for 523 days, I've never had a significant other whilst in the throws of this demon so this is a very eyeopening read and one that's really made me think and ponder the evilness of this illness. Although additional contribution to what's already been said is minimal, I wanted to thank you for your tremendous strength to share the story and seek some understanding. He's truly one lucky individual.

Love is apparent here without question, but how far does one go to protect oneself? It appears through recent times, you've been seeking your own happiness, this is good and may be allowing you to further grow and strengthen. These natural memories and experiences will happen without question the further away this illness gets away from us.. We become more wealthy and self secure. We, as compulsive gamblers are powerless to this demon, vindictive liars that will do almost anything for another hit (and inevitably another loss). To me, your significant other needs to understand where you two stand and to me, you walking away is not anything that should reflect on you. These are his actions and only he can ultimately take the reflection time and make the necessary amendments. I commend your support in all areas, he should be very blessed. Has he hit, rock bottom? Is he really ready to quit? These are all questions only he can answer. Seek all the support possible both offline through friends and family, Gam-anon sessions and also online here in the forum.

I wish you all the best and will be routing for you.

AndyJ 

 

 
Posted : 7th January 2020 9:26 am
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)
Posts: 858
 

Hi witsend91,

Get all the support you can through Gam-anon. The best defence you can have to protect yourself is knowledge & understanding of this vile addiction and until your man reaches rock bottom & is so broken he becomes desperate for help nothing will change.

If someone shows kindness to a CG they see it as weakness, like KS2 says masters of disguise, unpredictable and knowing no bounds what they would to to finance the next bet. As a compulsive gambler many years ago i also stole from my employer. When i was caught no-one bailed me out & i had to face the courts & the consequences. In hindsight that was a blessing, although i continued with my addiction, i'm glad to say my career as a criminal was a very short lived one as i never re-offended.

CGs must be made to understand that their behaviour is unacceptable, that it is THEIR problem & not their partners or a JOINT problem. Recovery is a lifetime commitment, accepting that we can never gamble again , acceptance that most if not all will always have a toxic relationship with money and the complete handing over of financial control is the only way forward.

If he gambles online self exclusion is a must, he can also get himself from casinos & betting shops. Even if he agrees to do it, NEVER take his word you need to see written proof, like photograph & ID uploaded. Never take a CG at face value. My wife even knows the passwords for both my online banking & email address. Please also fully understand loans & bail outs will only enable a CG to continue. Gambling is a drug & in the same way a drug addict needs heroin a CG needs gambling.

First and foremost protect your self financially at all times, get all the support you can and remember YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT DRINK, so if you're man isn't at rock bottom & at the stage where he's absolutely desperate for help then nothing you say or do will change his mind. If he tells you he's gonna attend a GA meeting take him there if you can, if he tells you he's attending counselling ask for his counsellors number if need be & check up. Ask for receipts for any money spent so there's never any doubt it ain't gone in the bookmakers till. Does this seem extreme ?, Well gambling addiction is extreme and knows no bounds on the destruction it causes not only to the CG but to family and friends too.

 

Best Wishes

 

AL

 
Posted : 7th January 2020 1:12 pm
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)
Posts: 858
 

Sorry about my terrible grammar.

 
Posted : 7th January 2020 1:46 pm
(@witsend91)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

@andyj thanks for your response. It really does help to hear from people from both sides/at different stages of dealing with this illness. 

It’s hard for me to separate the illness from him and vice versa. If that makes sense. Like you say the person has to want that change and how long does the other wait around hoping the good will win through. Only time will tell. 

523 days is a great achievement. Thanks again. 

 
Posted : 7th January 2020 5:19 pm
(@witsend91)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

Hi @slowlearner

Thanks for your reply. It really does help to hear your thoughts, from the ‘other side’. Having never suffered with addiction myself I just don’t understand the mindset - to me it’s so black and white, but I’m like that about most things in life. Finding this site really useful and I will make use of all the options open to me to educate myself further about this terrible illness. 

I guess my main struggle is how to support him whilst not showing kindness and being seen as weak. I’d be interested to know how you/your wife managed this. 

He has signed up to the online course this site offers, he has suggested he relinquish control of his wages to me and has looked up the closest GA meetings which he plans to attend. But until I see this commitment coming to fruition I just can’t trust it will actually happen. 

Thanks again for your reply  

 

 
Posted : 7th January 2020 5:28 pm
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)
Posts: 858
 

Hi witsend91,

This is how me & my wife manage financially & strategically to manage my addiction. First of all as soon as i'm paid a standing order is in place to pay the vast majority of my income into my wife's account. I get paid & it's gone in an instant apart from my basic needs ( around £35 per month ). I'm retired and my wife who's almost 10 years younger than me works, she does a professional job in education.

You may well think she's come kind of wicked witch who manipulates & controls me, but let me be clear she isn't. She's someone who's listened to the old story " I'm Gonna Stop " once too often and now understands fully the power of addiction. Right now i'm sitting in a secure home, the bills are paid and the fridge & freezer are packed with food. But gone are the days when she works hard, at the same time worrying herself silly wondering what i'm up to & how much more damage my addiction's doing.

I'm 514 days clean, i don't have everything in life i want but for sure i have everything i need. If i don't have the money for something as simple as a haircut i ask & i'm given. Each year on my birthday she pays a £220 gym membership. Make no mistake she wouldn't dream of giving me £220 in cash, she pays it online. She does this 1/ Because it improves my health ( i got COPD & chronic asthma ) 2/ Because if i get urges to gamble ( they become less every day ) i've no excuse for not fulfilling my time with something less harmful. 

Some days i'm given a shopping list for 5 or 6 small items & on every single occasion i provide receipts. Some days i get text messages saying " Are You Ok & What You Up To" x . That's cool of course i know she worries about me going back to my old ways. Who wouldn't given i was an addict for more than 4 decades ( the clues in my username ).

When i came here for help & they suggested self exclusion did she leave it to chance i'd follow it through ?. Hell no she took my photograph whilst holding my driving license & uploaded it and was keen to read the email confirming i'd signed up for it. Then she read posts about installing blocking software too. Not on my laptop or phone can i even access gambling sites let alone log in.

The next step was counselling, on my first visit the counsellor insisted i did shop exclusion too. When i said i hadn't been in a betting shop in years & most of my gambling was done online her answer was simple, IF YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU, YOU NEED TO LISTEN & ACT ON MY ADVICE. Obviously my wife wanted to know all about my first session & what was said. I rang the number given that night & got my self excluded.

So what followed,well being honest resentment, a feeling of being controlled, the realisation of not only the damage & hurt my addiction had caused others. Severe depression, self hatred, often thoughts of giving up & telling myself it's too late to change, trying to convince myself i'd never be any good and though i didn't realise it at the time looking for excuses to going back to being enslaved to a vile addiction that controlled me for so many years.

So 17 months on, i'll probably never gain my wife's trust again ( that's my fault not hers ) so all i can do is be honest, provide receipts & simply be better than the man i was in the past. What's in this for me ?.

I don't wake up every morning thinking OH MY GOD WHAT DID I DO YESTERDAY

Gambling & Deceit go hand in hand I can look her in the eye each day, say & mean NO I AIN'T GAMBLING

Recognising my weaknesses & toxic relationship with money help me starve the addiction of the oxygen it needs. NO MONEY NO GAMBLE

i'm lucky to have my wife & children's support, telling my kids was the hardest part of all. WHAT'S BETTER TO KEEP THEM IN THE DARK OR REMAIN IN DENIAL OR COMPLETE HONESTY NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL.

It's in a gamblers nature to chase losses, we simply can't stop. ACCEPTANCE THAT WHAT'S GONE IS GONE & IT AIN'T NEVER COMING BACK. 

 When i look at my life now i think not what i've lost but what i have. A fantastic wife & children who've stood by & supported me despite the pain my addiction has caused them for so long. I couldn't even begin to describe ( not even to a CG ) the feeling of peace ,liberation at last i'm beginning to see rays of sunlight shining through the pit of despair i've been buried in for so long. I won't ever get complacent & fully realise that i'm one bet from sliding back into that hell hole.

I hope this has perhaps given you some insight into the destructive & most powerful force this addiction is. Again i say first and foremost protect yourself. Whilst living with a CG always read the label, read the small print, leave nothing to chance & if it sounds too good to be true IT IS. 

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

 

 

 
Posted : 8th January 2020 12:13 am
(@witsend91)
Posts: 8
Topic starter
 

Hi @slowlearner

Thank you for such a comprehensive, in depth response. It’s so helpful. I really hope this is the point my partner and I can reach. 

Best wishes to you and your wife.

 

 
Posted : 12th January 2020 4:54 pm

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