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I'm back and nervous...  

 
bluerose
(@bluerose)

Hi, I posted a while ago about my CG husband, he was supposedly seeking help, had handed over all cards and finances and I have access to his credit file. A couple of months ago, he asked me how I felt about him having a bet on his birthday. I said absolutely not. Hes been adamant he can do this without any support (which I 100% disagree with) and so I said, if he was free of his addiction as he thinks he is, there is absolutely no reason on earth for him to place a bet on his birthday. He says he didnt bet but I'm not so sure. He still refuses any kind of support and I still spend my days completely suspicious of what hes doing. I've discovered today on his Clearscore that you can see soft searches. I've only ever checked hard searches before.  There are a few soft searches from various lenders over the last few months for credit but nothing anywhere to say hes been accepted and actually taken anything out. Is there any other way to check?! Am I missing something? If I ask him, I suspect he will come up with some story as to why it's there. Is this really my life now? Spending every day trawling through credit reports and watching a grown man like a hawk in case he gambles away more money that we don't have while I work my b**t off to keep our kids f*d and happy? I'm feeling on edge, I have that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that he's been gambling (even though he says he hasn't since June) and discovering these soft credit searches today has just made me fret that he is still looking for credit, even though he has racked up well over £30k of debt already. Any advice or anything at all would be amazing. I'm struggling with all this. Thanks for listening if you got this far!

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Posted : 21st October 2019 1:45 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi blue rose. Have you sought any help for yourself? No you shouldn't have to live like this. If he was seeking help and attending GA he would be more understanding of how you feel. The reality is if he does want to gamble there are many ways to do this without you knowing. You cannot control whether he does or doesn't gamble. 

There are more than one credit checking agencies. Clearscore, Experian, karma (used to be noddle). 

The most important thing is you get some support. Call gamcare or find a gamanon meeting. Having  control of finances and him not gambling is only half the problem.

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Posted : 21st October 2019 4:45 pm
Compulsive Gambler
(@compulsive-gambler)

I'm sorry you are facing this.

I'm a twenty year plus addicted gambler. I've had several attempts at stopping but I never fully committed.  I am trying really hard this time including full accountability and openness with those around me, all access codes and account details are in a safe that only my wife can access, the deal is that I'll answer any question but also my words are not enough and sadly nor are printed statements - I'm not a computer expert but am able to forge documents like that if needed ( well enough to fool a partner) so it has to be complete openness and transparency.  Knowing what I know, I probably wouldn't stay with a CG but IF I did then I would also know that nothing can be secret

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Posted : 21st October 2019 9:49 pm
bluerose
(@bluerose)
Posted by: Merry go round

Hi blue rose. Have you sought any help for yourself? No you shouldn't have to live like this. If he was seeking help and attending GA he would be more understanding of how you feel. The reality is if he does want to gamble there are many ways to do this without you knowing. You cannot control whether he does or doesn't gamble. 

There are more than one credit checking agencies. Clearscore, Experian, karma (used to be noddle). 

The most important thing is you get some support. Call gamcare or find a gamanon meeting. Having  control of finances and him not gambling is only half the problem.

Thank you. I will check those other agencies out too, he willingly gave me access to his Clearscore information, perhaps he knows the others show something he doesn't want me to see. I've referred myself through GamCare for counselling but I've only had the initial sessions so far and have been on the waiting list for ages for my next session. I'll chase them up but I the wait was quite a while. Just feel like I'm in limbo at the moment, just waiting for the next crisis to happen. I've ignored it for a few months but the gnawing uncertainty is back with a vengeance and it's taking over my thoughts again. Thanks for your reply X

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Posted : 22nd October 2019 2:23 pm
bluerose
(@bluerose)
Posted by: Compulsive Gambler

I'm sorry you are facing this.

I'm a twenty year plus addicted gambler. I've had several attempts at stopping but I never fully committed.  I am trying really hard this time including full accountability and openness with those around me, all access codes and account details are in a safe that only my wife can access, the deal is that I'll answer any question but also my words are not enough and sadly nor are printed statements - I'm not a computer expert but am able to forge documents like that if needed ( well enough to fool a partner) so it has to be complete openness and transparency.  Knowing what I know, I probably wouldn't stay with a CG but IF I did then I would also know that nothing can be secret

Thank you for replying. He really doesnt seem to care at all how I feel about all this to be honest. I'm in a bit of a vicious circle, when I ignore it I can go through life's motions fine but when its constantly in my mind, I just can't switch off from it and I'm back at the stage where I think if I make one more discovery, that's it, I'm done. I know there's only so much I can to help someone who refuses to be helped, but it's just so sad that if he just got some help and support, he wouldn't be risking losing literally everything. But I'm not willing to be lied to anymore, so I guess this is last chance saloon really, and it's all on him. At least I know I've tried everything in my power to help him I guess. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

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Posted : 22nd October 2019 2:28 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Bluerose.

Yes it is extremely sad and yes there is only so much you can take.

Firstly he needs to be made aware of this including your stress levels. He needs to know that this devastating addiction has consequences some of which he is not clear about yet.

You will have developed a sixth sense whether he has been ready to surrender to help and seek serenity. Im not a relationship counsellor but in your heart of hearts you will know whether its working or not

Im not saying he is inherently bad. I am saying that gambling is a drug addiction and the worst form of mind control I know about.

one exercise is to try and get him to explain an urge. With all those debts he wants a gamble does he? Its a winning game is it to him? A little cheeky flutter that has in the past almost ruined him if it wasnt for your help.

Recovery should be less of a battle as he sees the light. If you feel its a constant worry something isnt working and something isnt right.

You may well need counselling and you may well need distance. You can never be complacent again but he should be doing a lot of the work of recovery....Therefore alarm bells ring with me.

In a way you have to keep doing a mind refresh. You tell him again that gambling is not acceptable to you and that will have serious consequences for your continued relationship. He needs reality checks like this and his reaction to it will speak volumes.

You set about protecting yourself and the roof over your head. Its an addiction that doesnt care about wives and children...it doesnt care about the gambler so obviously everyone else is in for the hellride.

Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with one unless they were in full recovery and every penny was controlled by me. Even then many factors could end it fast because if the security isnt there who wants a lifetime of worry?

Its an addiction which kills people. He should actually be seeking a born again moment and be grateful you are there....seems to me he doesnt understand what this addiction is even though the trail of destruction should be obvious to him.

Your decision...your call....there is help for you and knowledge is strength. You can ask why those soft searches have been performed...if they will tell you.

With a support network you can make a decision thats right for you

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

This post was modified 3 weeks ago by Joydivider
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Posted : 22nd October 2019 6:19 pm
Minnie1
(@minnie1)

Hi Bluerose,

I have just ended my 8 year relationship with a gambler....

He was attending GA meetings

He had consolidated his debt into one loan 

He had improved his credit score (I regularly checked this)

He had blocked himself out of online gambling websites following advice from Gamcare

We had applied for a mortgage which he had been accepted for (luckily it went no further!)

I was looking after his credit card for him so he couldn't spend on it (he wouldn't cancel it)

I was checking every statement

He wouldn't let me take full control of finances and I wasn't getting receipts/proof for any cash he spent but things were  going in the right direction and I thought he was finally accepting he had a problem...

Then a letter arrived confirming redirection of his mail to another address from a credit card company (the one I'm looking after) his face was a picture! 

I guess what I'm trying to say is there were signs all along that my CG was not fully accepting he has a problem. The fact your husband has asked if he can have a bet on his birthday makes me think he hasn't accepted it either! Special occasion... celebrate doing something he loves... A little flutter! 

It is absolute hell living with a CG and the letter for me was the final straw I just couldn't take any more of his s**t! 

It has only been a few weeks but I am feeling so much stronger and can honestly say it was the right thing for me to do! He's a nice bloke, a good father, I even miss him at times but I do not kiss how he made me feel when it came to money matters, all the lies etc. It really was getting me down I feel he's changed me as a person. I want to find me again. 

I wish I had acted sooner. I'm lucky because I kept all my finances separate and my home belongs to me so i have kept a roof over our child's head. Some are not so lucky just make sure you're looking after YOU!  Best advice. 

Good luck with everything

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted : 6th November 2019 10:36 pm
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