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maggiemay
(@maggiemay)

I so wish someone could tell me what to do. I feel like my life is in ruins around me. Less than 2 years ago i found out that my then fiancee had taken my credit card and taken cash out of it - 3 grands worth. He said he was in arrears with his mortgage (house he bought with ex, bought her out, remortgages, now massively in negative arrears). Then 2 days later, the jeweller where he bought my engagement ring rang my mother to say he still owed money on the ring. I had to go in and pay it back. Then turned out he also spent the 3 grand gift his dad gave us towards the wedding. He argued it was all down to pressure from high mortgage payments and that he was in a vicious circle or arrears. I stayed with him, i was so worried about him and he was so gutted. Then maybe a month later i got the courage to go rooting around and i found a bank statment with online gambling literally all over it. Once again i stayed witrh him. o*g i fought my family, i defended him from everyone and we went ahead and married only 3 months later. I had to get a loan out to pay for it as he couldn't. his parents also helped with the mortgage arrears. I got pregnant literally straight away but i had a dificult pregnancy and we grew apart. he worked 2 jobs 7 days a week (but we were still skint). and he was off playing sport 2 nights a week til after 10 and working every friday til 11 and all weekend too was taken up between split shift second job and sports. when my baby was born on valentine's day i did not even receive a valentines card from my oh. I threw myself into baby and i suppose i pushed my hisband away/. we lived separate lives under the same roof. I think i was still angry with him and he just didn't seem interested in spending time with us, it was like i was nagging at him and he just wanted to be left alone. he used give out to me for not leaving baby and not going out without him but we had v little spare funds plus i was breastfeeding baby and 40 kms away from family to babysit. anyway i don't know if i was lying to myself but i finally got the courage to dig into his finances (which he kept completely seperate from mine) and he had taken the same amount out of my credit card in cash again. I was on unpaid maternity leave at the time. He was livid and so angy with me and actually called me every name under the sun. i left with out 8 month baby. it is over a month on now. I also suspect he had a one night stand in a house i own and which i purchased before we ever met. He was painting the house while they were on holidays and tenant claims the bed in the spare room was remade and that there was fake tan on the sheets. they are now taking me to court but luckily enough also moved out and i moved in. So nw i am a single mother with a 9 month old baby living alone and totaly broken hearted. If i did not have the support of y family over the past few months i would not have been able to feed my baby. it took a week for him to apologise, a month for him to admit to gambling. we are attending marriage counselling and it was only there that he said he has been gambling for 5 years. he never stopped. I feel so betrayed he married me while lying through his teeth. i also don't believe a word he says anymore. since i have moved to my own house, i am sooooo sooooo lonely. i cry every time i see a small baby, all i ever wanted in the world was a happy family and a few babies. He says we were badly prepared for my unpaid maternity leave and i have accept a portion of the responsibility. i sense he wants me to just forget about it all and never speak of it again and take half the blame. i have agreed to help him meet the bills left in our marital home. i owe money all over the place thanks to him and i have no savings. but its only money. if i thought it would never happen again i would go back to him, if i thought he was genuinely sorry bit i don't think he is. can i ever trust him again. what do i do - do i clear our marital home of all my things and set up home alone on a permanent basis? My family will never accept him again and he hasn't a good word to say about them, i don't know why. His family are ignoring me. i have to go back to work now and i don't even know where to put my son in creche - near our marital home, near teh home we are living in now. i just want the clock to go back and for it to never have happened. yes i do care about my husband but i think i hate him too. please give me some advice on where to go next. i am dreding christmas, i am dreading going back to work, i am dreading my baby's first birthday. i just cannot trust him and i am v angry with him. and he is really not begging for me to come back to me, he is nearly relieved i am gone i swear it.

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Posted : 1st December 2011 11:06 pm
penpal
(@penpal)

Oh maggiemay.... where to start. I am so so sad for you. I am the wife of a gambler with 4 small babies and 9 years of lies, debt and mistrust behind me so I can totally understand. If we didnt love them it would be easy to go but we know it is also possible to love and hate at the same time. It is not that maybe you hate him but you hate what he is done.

What I have learnt recently is it doesnt matter what I do, I can never control his recovery. I can only control my recovery. I have also learnt that if an addict does not really want to recovery then they wont. I have had years of my husband telling me his going to GA and I have then found out he hasnt gone at all.

You have done the hard bit. You have left him. Now only you can decided if you want to get back together. Only you know what your boundries are. I think it would be so important to protect yourself in the future. Insist on total financial control.... insist he blocks all of the online gambling sites and he needs help. I have found that in the past when my hubby wasnt ready he would get cross about the things I wanted to impose. Of course he got cross, he didnt want to recover. Now he is doing and willingly doing everything I insist on.

Oh Maggiemay big big hugs to you. You are so so strong. And instead of looking at your baby with sadness, look at him and ask yourself the question.... would you like your son to be like his father and treat your daughter in law like you are being treated? If no then surely it is not good enough for you? There may well be a time when your husband becomes the most wonderful role model for your son.

Keep coming on here and try and get on the chat rooms....

big big hugs..xxx

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Posted : 1st December 2011 11:48 pm
elizabeth40
(@elizabeth40)

Hi maggie

Im so sorry you find your self in this situation.

But you have done the right thing by leaving you must protect you and your baby.

I am an addict and havent gambled for 33 days now the trouble is there is nothing you can do if he wont admit theres a problem or if he is not serious about stopping as youve gathered we as gamblers are very good liars who will say just about anything to get what we want.

Until he can prove to you that he is serious about recovery i feel you need to keep him at arms length.

Im sure if you seperated your husband from the gambling idiot he has become he is a great guy he must be you fell in love and married him.

Im sorry if im waffling but this is a along and hard journey for both partner and addict and no one can tell you what to do only you can make those decisions please remember you are important and you have a small child to look after do you need a grown one as well?

By the way none of this is your fault and you should not have to take responsibility for any of it this is the gamblers way of shifting blame its his fault and no one else.

I hope you get through this and get the life you so richly deserve good luck and keep posting let us know how things are going.

Take Care and big hugs.x

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Posted : 2nd December 2011 12:45 am
JamesP
(@jamesp)

Hi Maggie, well done for finding this website & for finding the courage to post on here.

I always say that you have to separate the Man from the addiction; without gambling, is he generally dishonest, unkind and deceiptful? He has clearly made some serious errors of judgement which has understandably taken it's toll on you but, is some of it as a result of the fact that, as you can't trust him to be honest about his gambling, you can't trust him to be honest about anything? Did he really have a one night stand? If so, then I think you are doing exactly the right thing and better off building a life on your own. If not, then I would try and help him make inroads into conquering this affliction - you clearly love him a great deal and I'm sure that he would be a good, responsible Father without this.

On the other hand, you have a child now and the child comes first, full stop. This is a situation that cannot continue and he needs to make serious inroads into conquering this affliction - he also needs to take some responsibility for his actions and focus on his baby; regardless of gambling, he appears to need to mature somewhat, not only for himself but to be a role model for your child. It is very hard for anyone to admit they have a problem we can't control; we become defensive, defensive to the point of lying to ourselves. But, he is now a crossroads in his life; he can either try and give everything he can to beating this disease and becoming a better person for you and your child's sake, or he can lose everything. It's one way or the other.

These things are much easier said than done Maggie, I very much appreciate but you must try and be strong my friend. If you accept him back into your life then he has to make an extremely serious commitment to tackling this problem; tell him that, if he has problems coping, you will take control of the finances until he feels stronger; believe me, one day, he will be on his hands and knees thanking you, even though he is a long way away from that now. Don't be afraid to be strong, don't be afraid to put serious groundrules in place - you are doing it for the benefit of your child, not just now but long-term as well.

Try and work with him as a team on this. Recommend this website; don't brand him an addict, tell him to look at it with an open mind. Both of you will have a lifelong association because you have created a life together so if you can help him on this, whether you stay together or not, you are helping your child's Father, someone he/she can look up to and respect.

If he conquers this and makes a serious effort to be a good Father, you will find that virtually everything else will fall into place; both your families & friends are caught in the crossfire at the moment but it is unlikely to be that way forever, particulary if he makes serious headway into creating a better life for you both. If not, you have made an enormous effort, you really have; you come across as a kind person with a good heart and generosity of spirit; you shouldn't take an ounce of blame because you have tried so very hard and the fact that you are on this site now, positing as you are, says a lot about you as a human being.

Be positive my friend, I know it's very hard but there's no harm in trying. I know it's a hard time of year and the wrong time to be on your own but you are a good person and it won't always be like this, whether you stay together or not. Try and look forward to a better time and make some long-term plans, even if they seem really unrealistic at the moment - having something to focus on gives you strength of resolve and a reason to get up each morning. I genuinely, sincerely hope that things improve for you Maggie - the people here will guide and help you and your partner as much as possible, use it as much as you need to.

JamesP

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Posted : 2nd December 2011 2:07 pm
maggiemay
(@maggiemay)

Thanks so much for your repllies, it is great to talk to people who understand and have lived through the same things i am going through at the moment. I think my judgement is too foggy to see what is best what to do at the moment. But I see now from the replies that my husband is still not ready to admit to the extent of the consequences of his gambling and that all i can do for now is what i am doing, which is trying to get through christmas and starting back to work and taking care of my baby. I still get in a panic when i think too far ahead and think of all my things in our marital home and whether i should move them or not. I know his would greatly hurt my husband but i do miss my nice bits i have collected over the years. Most of all though i am in a state of panic over losing my marriage and our future. We have another marriage counselling session on Monday and I will ask him at that did he have a one-night stand at that. Problem is i don't know if i can believe his answer.... And i know that none of my close friends and family will, what a mess!

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Posted : 2nd December 2011 9:08 pm
penpal
(@penpal)

Keep doing what you are doing which is taking control of your recovery. Stay on here, go into the chat room, get some counselling either through here or Gamanon and look after you.

Like I said in my first post, you have done the hard bit by leaving. Don't go back until he is in recovery.

As someone else has mention, dont take responsibility for his gambling or his debts caused by gambling. If you felt the need you could look into reporting him for fraud for using your bank cards.

Stay strong and keep getting help and support.

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Posted : 2nd December 2011 9:36 pm
ted21
(@ted21)

We have tried so hard to support him. We realised he was a gambling when he was 17..and stupidly thought he'd 'got over it'! He just got deeper and deeper. He's 21 now and will never beat 'this addiction'...until he really wants to. He's the lovliest son..and everyone else loves him...but they don't know him. He loves rugby, played for his county...but he lies,steals and is making me so sad for him..and me and his Dad. He is on his last strike...we can't help anymore....it has to be

and it kills us

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Posted : 3rd December 2011 9:56 pm
elizabeth40
(@elizabeth40)

Hi ted21

Im so sorry for you that you have to be going through this heartache but sometimes you have to let people hit rock bottom before you can help it must be heartbreaking to watch your son do this to himself.

The best advice i can give is dont bail him out as this leads to him being able to gamble again.

Once he has hit bottom you can help rebuild the lovley son and person im sure he is.

Gambling turns us into people we wouldnt want to know but when your in the grip of this addiction you will say and do anything to get your next fix.

Good Luck and please dont blame yourselfs.x

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Posted : 3rd December 2011 10:30 pm
nwn
 nwn
(@nwn)

Hi Maggie,

I feel like an imposter posting in here because I am a compulsive gambler and not a partner. I just had to reply because I felt really moved by your story. I wish I could give you the right answers.

It sounds to me like you want to make it work with your husband. I guess it's just so hard that you only just got married and now you have a baby you wouldn't even want to entertain the possibility of giving up in the early days. I don't think any one female or male, would want to. I can see that you do love your husband.

But I think you know deep down he has wronged you. Obviously you know the story far better than I ...were you're old tenants vindictive or malicious? I can't see someone making something like this up but I guess it's possible if they thought they could profit out of it.

And then you have the gambling problem. I am in no position to say that he shouldn't have treated you like that, given that I am a cg and have myself done things I have regret and more recently started to tell lies to my loves ones. I am ridden with guilt over it and I knew on one level it was wrong when I was doing it but I did it anyway. What sort of person does that make me? ....In saying that I still think that your husband already seriously wronged you the first time before the wedding. But one time is forgivable. We all make mistakes right.

But he did it again?! And What's worse is that he hid it from you and then called YOU names when for having the audacity to ''snoop'' in his things. Well you're married! I don't think there should be any secrets in marriage but I guess its not that unusual for people to have separate accounts when married these days. Regardless of that, you obviously sensed something was up with him. That's why you started to snoop in the first place. If everything was all good I'm sure you wouldn't have done that. But something was off right?

It seems that your husband just wants to blame you for everything ...you weren't prepared for the pregnancy/unpaid leave? wth! he got pregnant too not just you! if he thought he really couldn't handle a baby he should have been ensuring he was taking ''precautions'' so that one didn't come about! Or at least been unfront and honest and frank with you about not feeling financially stable enough for you both to have a baby in that time. It is also not your fault he is facing severe mortgage stress ...if he couldn't afford his other house, he never should have bought his ex-partner out. In saying that I don't want to judge him too harshly we all have problems cg or not, but if he'd just spoken to you about it, again, you could have eased some of his stress (being his wife) and worked out the problem together! I think you are getting unduly burdened with blame and guilt by him when you never asked for any of this and it seems to me you have already tolerated a lot.

I think if your husband completley surrenders and admits he has a full blown problem there is a small possibility you can get through this and work it out.

But even the way you write Maggie, it seems to me you're a worn out woman. I noticed in the first post you reffered to your baby as yours not ''ours''. That seems sad to me but I think it reflects that you moved away from your husband emotionally some time ago. But again I know you do love him and I understand that you don't want to throw away everything you've invested in this relationship so far.

I guess my heart just goes out to you because my best friend got married last year, after 10 years, only to have her husband cheat on her 6 mths later. IT was hugley traumatic for her and at first she couldn't deal at all. Later she got stronger but she still wanted him back despite me, her family, and everyone in her life telling her he's no good. I do understand how hard for her it's been to let go of her marriage but at the same time he was no good for her and he was never going to change! After he got caught cheating he blamed her and called her every name under the sun and made it seem like it was all her fault!

Eventually they did try to 'work things out' but her heart just wasn't in it - she couldn't trust him at all and everytime she tried to talk to him about it he would get mad at her! And then tell her she was digging up the past for no good reason! He wasn't even trying 🙁 She was able to move away from him in her own way and time.

I hope you and the baby are doing well and you find some courage and help to get through this situation, whatever you decide 🙂

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Posted : 4th December 2011 9:18 am
nwn
 nwn
(@nwn)

BTW my best friends ex husband did the same thing with the wedding! she and her family paid for the entire thing including the honeymoon. He was only meant to arrange the suits and ring and he wore the same suit he'd worn to his brothers wedding a year earlier.

He had to sell something to get the ring too.

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Posted : 4th December 2011 9:30 am
maggiemay
(@maggiemay)

hi nvm, thanks for your lovely message, its nice to have someone on your side. i honestly don't know how much of my husband is the gambler and how much is the real him, whether he really loves me or has just given up because he sees no future or just doesn't care full stop. we had a second marriage counselling session today and i nearly ran out on it because he was going over all the things i did wrong to him such as not liking his mother etc and i couldn't take it anymore. Ufortunately i cannot say it helped as i still don't know what to do next...

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Posted : 5th December 2011 9:09 pm
elizabeth40
(@elizabeth40)

Hi Maggiemay

Sorry things arnt going to well.

Make sure your next session is about everything he has done to you see how he likes it.

Im surprized the counselar allowed him to do that maybe you need to have a word and ask him/her to step in when it gets to much.

Im sorry im no expert just suggestions.

Head Up high and remember youve done nothing wrong he is still trying to shift blame to make himself feel better.

Stay Strong.x

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Posted : 5th December 2011 9:25 pm
Ex Doormat
(@ex-doormat)

maggiemay....what can i say ?...nothing i can say can take the pain away from what you are going through....hats off to ted for contributing to this site....real family healing. Always remember you are not alone. xxx

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Posted : 5th December 2011 10:20 pm
maggiemay
(@maggiemay)

Hi its me again. I wanted to provide an update to my post as reading through other posts i often wonder what happens next. I got through christmas and am back to work and my son has started creche and its going ok. myself and my partner are still separated. however, we have attended 4 marriage counselling sessions and he says he is attending GA once a week. things got v bad between us christmass eve and he accused me of having post natal depression, which i do not. it got as bad as it could and i asked for a divorce. the next day i got an apologgy and thigs have been getting beter since then. he now calls over at weekends and evenongs and we hang out as a family. he has promised to sort out his finances. but he hasn't yet and will only ever do anything if i ask him. things are nice and peaceful between us if i just leave it and we hang out as if nothing happened. however, if i bring the subject up or if i ask him to do something for me i am immediately given the cold shoulder, he cuts me out, he hangs up, he walks out, he accuses me of all sorts. all will be fine if i turn a blind eye but not if i bring it up. to this day he has still not made an unreserved apology and in fact i am going to counselling tomorrow alone because of all my issues. i am getting increasingly worried about this and fear i am about to make another collosal mistake. can someone advise me on how to approach this? Also my husband and i had decided to go on 'dates' with eachother. however i get a kiss on the cheek when he comes into the house and when he leaves and nothing in between. should i leave him make the first move, is there something wrong with him? Is he ***? Is this a side to a gambler??????

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Posted : 15th January 2012 3:21 pm
JamesP
(@jamesp)

Hi Maggiemay, good to see you posting on here again.

In some ways, it is a side to a gambler. Generally, most feel emotionally numb and a lack of closeness stems from a great deal of internal turmoil.

The most simple things in life can become exhausting because you are so wraught with angst and fear; this is often why when people win, they are so unbelievably happy and euphoric because it is some, albeit very temporary, relief from feeling this way. Once this has gone, we are back to the constant churning of emotions.

I found it difficult at the time to apologise to my partner, not because I didn't care - I loved her with my heart but I didn't want to admit to myself or anyone that I had little or no control. We become fantastic liars, spin amazing tales through desperation but the people we lie to most is ourselves, hence we live in this world of self-denial.

Since giving up four years ago, all i've done is apologise. The thing is, it is important but talk is cheap - the people I love and care for don't want apologies, they want action and i've kept to that. One day, he may well be in the same position to do this but the important thing is that he works hard on conquering on this afflcition.

You have made a lot of headway my friend, things don't seem to you to have got very far but you are trying enormously hard at the moment and it's to your great credit.

JamesP

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Posted : 16th January 2012 11:42 am
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