I'm 25 years old. I've been with my partner since the age of 19. I was just a little girl who didn't know any better and fell in love instantly not knowing what I was in for. The thing about him, he's extremely charismatic but also very, very good at manipulation. He's ten years older than me so I looked up to him he was my role model. It wasn't long until I realized about his addictions....
I wasn't old enough to get into casino's being 19. So he would have me wait in the car until he finished.. Sometimes for 30 minutes.. Then it got longer.. 2 hours..3.. I've spent 7 hours alone in cars as he gambled everything away.. Dusk to dawn. And this would be all.the.time. Not to mention, he had a drug addiction as well. but luckily, that slowed down over the years and got reduced to just Suboxone and Adderall right now..
Skip ahead, we know have two beautiful children. One is still a newborn. He still hasn't stopped. It's always an excuse. I hate to say it but besides the psychological abuse I have been physically abused mostly before the children were born and then it stopped. I still live in fear sometimes but I push it down because I know the kind, and loving person he is when he isn't consumed by his addictions.
Recently, we got a beautiful condo and I got an amazing job and things looked like they were finally going to turn around. Then one weekend he says he needs a break and disappears for two days gambling again.. He's always done it before every home we get it goes good and then for days he's gone comes back, repeat. This time I packed every single belonging I had, my kids, and all their things. He got home calling me in tears, devastated. It's not the first time I've ran from him like this. I just never know what to expect to walk in the door..Rage or devastation or craziness because he's been up for days on pills.
Am I wrong for leaving him? He says its horrible and that I am tearing the family apart by doing this but my family and even his are telling me to stay put and stop going back. His family is very well off with a lot of money and they are constantly getting us into apartments and helping us.. He says don't listen to them and that his family hates him and would rather see him dead but that's not the case. They are tired of being constantly used and verbally abused by him. My heart is breaking and I keep telling myself this is for the kids and he has always been a great dad to them no doubt. He just gets so overly selfish at times. I have lost everything over and over again. He's destroyed my cars and when I was pregnant last I stayed with family in Florida while he spent months living in the streets in Biloxi, MS where all the casinos are. I want to support him but he says he needs me and the kids with him to have something to fight for. I just can't handle watching all my hardworking earned money go into a slot machine.
He's been to countless rehabs and the one that seemed to stick the best was one in Utah called legacy. It was extremely expensive to send him there but he finally went.. For months.. And he seemed to really change and I fell back in love even more.. But it didn't take long for him to relapse 4 months later..
Anyways, I just really want to be confident in my decision to not go back to him until he takes the steps to change for us. Enough is enough and I just want to know if anyone here agrees with me or disagrees because there is children involved especially. How do I remain supportive? Thanks for those who took the time to read this and will leave a comment. I just feel like its my fault that I will lose the love of my life.
Hello Sinclair13
Welcome to the Forum where I sincerely hope that you find understanding and connections. I am so pleased that you found us here as it certainly sounds like you have and are having a difficult and painful time.
Problem gambling is cunning, powerful and baffling and causes devastation not only to the problem gambler but also to families and friends.
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Amanda
Forum Admin
This is a really tough one especially as there are children involved and I feel for you. How about you give him one Final chance and give me him a serious ultimatum, its you and the kids or gambling and if he fails again he loses everything, alot more than just money. Then if he does again then hes just not worth it and time then to let go unfortunately.
You just say if he takes you anywhere near any gambling establishment ever again thats it, he has to change his behaviour. Maybe give him one final chance and ultimatum.
All the best.
Your comment about him needing you and the kids as something to fight for when gambling is really concerning, why cant he just be content with what he has, you and the kids? Gamling is a battle that he will never win unfortunately so hes fighting a losing battle, I speak from experience and I fear that he may lose alot more than just money, you and the kids as well. Maybe one FINAL chance and ultimatum but you will need to be very strict on it and make sure hes aware of whats on the line.
I really appreciate your intake. After thinking it over the last two days I realized that I have given him this ultimatum before and meant it. A couple times sadly... After speaking with his family on the matter that has dealt with this so much longer than me they told me the same thing that he needs to see the consequences to his actions and I need to really not give in in going back until he shows some real progression that he's willing to fix this. I want to do so badly what you say about giving him one more final chance but maybe this way counts too.. I'm not God I'm not doing it to punish him for actions but I'm hoping he does get a taste of what it's like to not have us living there with him, and use it as a wake up call. Your post does help me feel more confident in this decision.
Be pre-pared for the fact that he may never take the steps to stop himself gambling and to stay stopped. You will never know for sure whether he is gambling or not. Slots are like the crack C*****e of gambling. I should know, its been my vice for many years.
I will be honest with you. From the outside looking in it does look like your living in an abusive relationship. Your kinda of making excuses for his behaviour in some of what you say and also hinting that youl leave him for a bit and then go back. There is a real possibilty that you could get stuck in an endless destructive cycle. Sometime you can love somebody but you have to set them free.
All the best with whatever you decide to do
Hi Sinclair,
From what i have read, you are in a vicious cycle at the moment. The biggest isue that you have is that you have told him in the past you will leave if X does not change, but then have not followed through when the change has not come (this is not a dig, just my view). Once a person knows that you will not follow through, then unfortunatley it puts them in a position of power as they know that they can carry on with the same actions as there is no real consequence.
Your situation is further complicated with children being involved, but you have to do what is right for you and your kids. The comments that he has made regarding you tearing the family apart is another controlling measure by making you stay by feeling guilty.
Realistically you have two options available to you; stay as you are but accept that nothing will change. Leave and stick with your decision until significant changes in your partners behaviour show through; don't make any rash decisions as whichever you choose will set out the rules for the forseeable future.
Good luck with what ever option you choose, but i will say that phsycial abuse towards any parntner is not acceptable and is not something you should have to endure, or bring up your children in that environment
Hi Sinclair,
From what i have read, you are in a vicious cycle at the moment. The biggest isue that you have is that you have told him in the past you will leave if X does not change, but then have not followed through when the change has not come (this is not a dig, just my view). Once a person knows that you will not follow through, then unfortunatley it puts them in a position of power as they know that they can carry on with the same actions as there is no real consequence.
Your situation is further complicated with children being involved, but you have to do what is right for you and your kids. The comments that he has made regarding you tearing the family apart is another controlling measure by making you stay by feeling guilty.
Realistically you have two options available to you; stay as you are but accept that nothing will change. Leave and stick with your decision until significant changes in your partners behaviour show through; don't make any rash decisions as whichever you choose will set out the rules for the forseeable future.
Good luck with what ever option you choose, but i will say that phsycial abuse towards any parntner is not acceptable and is not something you should have to endure, or bring up your children in that environment
Spot on Andy
Thanks guys, you all have been so incredibly helpful to me at this time. And all of your words have hit me hard and I hold onto it whenever he tries to guilt trip me and make me seem like the crazy one. I still have stuck to my decision and I'm not going back until something changes. He thinks I need to be with him but I'm sticking to my guns and I'm not caving. And unfortunately if it means I lose him at the end of the day then I'll just have to accept it..
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